CARRICK councillor Stewart Dickson said of councillor Ian Parsley’s defection to the Conservatives: “All the night in the rain for that [expletive deleted].”
Other Alliance members have been a little more temperate in their language in public, but privately…!
Strangely Parsley seems to have disappeared off Councillor Dickson’s Facebook friends list…
Friday, 18 September 2009
Other news…
Devolved policing no nearer despite the obvious need…DUP and Sinn Féin fighting over who’s a victim and who isn’t…UUP and SDLP publish policy documents and no-one notices…majority of population continues to despair at our politicians.
White van riot
THE idiots want to take over the asylum. More pointless wrecking and rioting have once again taken place in Lurgan. White vans burnt out, drivers left in terror, masked gunmen compensating for a lack in the trouser department by waving phallic weapons in the air and acting all macho.
Revolutionaries? Republican freedom fighters? Dedicated guerrilla soldiers? Or just plain idiots?
After careful consideration of the options…yep plain, stupid, ignorant idiots. And that’s a more sophisticated political analysis than they will ever come up with.
Revolutionaries? Republican freedom fighters? Dedicated guerrilla soldiers? Or just plain idiots?
After careful consideration of the options…yep plain, stupid, ignorant idiots. And that’s a more sophisticated political analysis than they will ever come up with.
The harshest cut of all
IN case you haven’t noticed, times are tight. And it looks like they are about to get tougher. The Conservative Party and Labour say there will be cuts in public spending. The Ulster Unionists and SDLP say there is hole in finances of NI plc. The DUP warns the block grant that the Treasury hands over may also be cut.
El Presidente…sorry First Minister Peter Robinson, says that this a golden chance to cut down bureaucracy.
His party’s plans to cut back on Government departments will never receive cross-community backing in the lifetime of this Assembly, which leaves him – and all in the Executive in a bit of a quandary. When, rather than if, the block grant is cut where to make the cuts?
The Review of Public Administration has already cut away some unnecessary layers of public service. Cutting or merging any more so-called quangos would at best save a couple of million pounds a year, and demands on the public purse are not likely to ease.
That leaves…front line public services. Across Northern Ireland most are already subject to three per cent cuts year on year. So what’s left? Health and social services: it’s the biggest, but as the population lives longer thanks to the doctors and nurses costs can only be cut by cutting services. And making doctors, nurses work ever harder…
Education: A rare phenomenon in western Europe here is that statistically births are increasing. This means that the planned cull of schools may be a little premature. The option open to the government here is therefore bigger class sizes and fewer teachers.
Without labouring the point the only realistic cuts in these straightened times will be among front line services.
Somehow Northern Ireland’s political classes believe that the Orange Green axis of voters will ignore all this and just keep voting them in.
But, they can perhaps make, at least a gesture towards showing that they care; a display of empathy even.
Every politician could agree to take a 10% pay cut. Equally, every public or civil servant earning more than 50k a year could take a 10% pay cut. Every politician, public or civil servant earning more than 100k could take a 20k pay cut. It wouldn’t stave off economic meltdown but it would show that they care.
The likelihood of said people ever taking such a pay cut? As likely as a resolution of the post primary school transfer mess happening before hell freezes over.
Libya and irony…important lessons
PARIAH states sometimes become good mates. This is a fact of international diplomacy that seems to fly in the face of logic, reason or even the ability of a reporter to understand.
Libya is likely to be a case study for future studies of the paranormal in politics.
To recap: Libya once was a ‘bad country’; Libya stood accused of being behind the Lockerbie plane bombing; Libya pays compensation to victims of Lockerbie; Libyan man convicted of said bombing released from jail in Scotland because he was dying; Prime Minister accused of dodgy deals on release of bomber; victims groups in Northern Ireland want compensation over Libya arming IRA in the 80s; and UK and US oil companies vying for contracts in the north African state.
And now, to complete the ever winding moral maze of relationships it emerges that PSNI officers have been helping training Libyan police officers in the UK and Libya.
Cue unionist politicians’ outrage and disbelief…which underscores the irony of not having policing and justice devolved. Had these powers been devolved, a Northern Ireland Executive Minister would, at the very least, have been informed of the location of deployed officers seconded to the National Police Improvement Agency.
Irony point number one: Libya which used to back paramilitaries who killed Northern Ireland police officers now has its police force being trained by Northern Ireland police officers.
Irony point number two: Sinn Féin, who used to care about such things don’t even raise an eyebrow at these conundrums.
Irony point number three: Nobody outside Northern Ireland cares about any of this, and no-one in the United Nations will notice.
School marm Linda chides the children
SOMETIMES there is a moment on radio that is simply too priceless to ignore. Linda MaCauley, sitting in for Nolan on Thursday of this week, had the task of mediating between the DUP’s Jeffrey Donaldson and Sinn Féin’s Martina Anderson.
Repeatedly she told them to ‘stop’ mid-rant, compared them to children and berated their refusal to let the other ‘child’ have their say.
The “Biggest Show in the Country” was generating the biggest laugh in the country as the hapless politicos tried to make out that the ‘other side’ was telling porkie pies.
The subject of the row…well it was about how everyone in Northern Ireland should work together.
To keep it simple (for any politicians who may be reading) Sinn Féin published their proposals on a way forward for a better, happier Northern Ireland. The DUP said that this wasn’t the way forward for the better, happier Northern Ireland that they wanted.
What is not in dispute is the fact that if the DUP and Sinn Féin ever agree their ‘Cohesion, Integration and Sharing Strategy’, it is unlikely to have much of an impact on Jeffrey and Martina.
Testing times
THESE are testing times for Northern Ireland…especially for the 12,000+ P7 children about to sit ‘unregulated’ tests for 8,000 grammar school places.
Against a backdrop of bickering politicians, burning vans on the front pages of newspapers, a recession, and the prospect of harsh cuts in public spending, anxious children and their families are occupying their times in the final push of revision and associated nerves.
Applied mathematicians are currently calculating the probability of common sense breaking out in the post primary transfer debate.
They are basing their calculations on the number of years the fiasco has been going on, the number of pointless statements being made by both sides, the acreage of Scandinavian forests cut down to meet newsprint demand for pointless re-treaded arguments and the capacity of a Northern Ireland politician to make sense in two consecutive sentences.
It is anticipated that the mathematician who cracks this puzzle will be in line for a Nobel Maths prize…and a well-earned break.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Philosophy students wanted for new course on ‘whataboutery’
AN entire department at Queen’s University, Belfast is to be dedicated to the philosophical examination of what the hell Northern Ireland politicians are on about when they open their mouths to change over their feet.
Such core modules include: “Defining a row and not a row”; “Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet quandary”; and “Housing – Is that my job?”
Module 1: Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet Quandry
IN this part of the course students are to explain the context of a minister’s speaking roles. Their dissertation will be expected to concentrate on explaining when a minister decides when he is to be a party representative and when he is not to be a party representative (i.e. a minister).
Each of the clauses in the above sentence is to be analysed. [Course tutors reserve the right to plagiarise the answers, send them to constitutional lawyers and claim credit when senior civil servants seek legal opinion.]
Students may examine recent speeches from the First Minister, including this week’s controversial Ulster Hall address on how can devolved government deliver for citizens: what was expected of Mr Robinson; what script was he given; did he re-write the script; and was what he said party political or just plain old-fashioned double speak.
As a conclusion, students shall be expected to design a series or jaunty hats that ministers are to wear. This is to let audiences and media instantly tell when they are being a minister, party spokesman or the usual over-opinionated politician given too much air-time. A separate series of hats may be designed to assist MLAs in the same way.
Module 2: Defining a row
STUDENTS shall be required to define the difference between the verbal spats in the media and the seeming lack of fireworks at Executive meetings.
Students will be required to analyse the transcripts of Good Morning Ulster ‘exclusive’ interviews and the call-ins to ‘The Biggest Show the Country!’ (a.k.a. slimmer extraordinaire Mr Stephen Nolan).
Extra marks will be awarded for students that manage to stay awake.
The core of this module will be determining when the First Minister sways between referring to Sinn Féin as his ‘partner in government’ and referring to removing individual party vetoes on policy. Students will also be expected to extrapolate the ‘Disneyland or sunstroke’ metaphor used by the deputy First Minister reacting to the First Minister’s Ulster Hall speech.
Students will also be required to explain the phenomenon of public political spats outside the Executive room are quickly replaced by awkward silences, nervous whistling and eyes furtively examining the décor inside the Executive room. Points will be deducted from any student who mentions anywhere in their discourse the phrase ‘elephant in the room’ as this cliché has now been banned under human rights law under the designation ‘cruel and unusual punishment for readers’.
In addition, students will be expected to explain whether the target date of 2015 to ‘re-write the rules’ is a target or is it the exact date when the rules must be revised. [And if they understand that, and/or explain that they can expect a 1.1]
Module 3: Housing – Is that my job?
The core part of this module relies on defining when a Minister has a legislative obligation and when said obligation can be waived because of financial restraints.
Key to students’ responses will be explaining who has fiscal responsibility? And when that fiscal responsibility ends?
Additional course credits will be awarded for students who outline when a minister should inform the rest of the Executive when they’ve blown their budget, for example as soon as the budget is gone or wait till the media points it out; and what happens when the Executive doesn’t provide additional funds during monitoring rounds.
As a conclusion to their course (combination marks awarded across all three modules) students will have to explain why nothing gets done for those in need (intimidated PSNI officers, flood victims, Roma families) except when it is featured on the media.
Such core modules include: “Defining a row and not a row”; “Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet quandary”; and “Housing – Is that my job?”
Module 1: Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet Quandry
IN this part of the course students are to explain the context of a minister’s speaking roles. Their dissertation will be expected to concentrate on explaining when a minister decides when he is to be a party representative and when he is not to be a party representative (i.e. a minister).
Each of the clauses in the above sentence is to be analysed. [Course tutors reserve the right to plagiarise the answers, send them to constitutional lawyers and claim credit when senior civil servants seek legal opinion.]
Students may examine recent speeches from the First Minister, including this week’s controversial Ulster Hall address on how can devolved government deliver for citizens: what was expected of Mr Robinson; what script was he given; did he re-write the script; and was what he said party political or just plain old-fashioned double speak.
As a conclusion, students shall be expected to design a series or jaunty hats that ministers are to wear. This is to let audiences and media instantly tell when they are being a minister, party spokesman or the usual over-opinionated politician given too much air-time. A separate series of hats may be designed to assist MLAs in the same way.
Module 2: Defining a row
STUDENTS shall be required to define the difference between the verbal spats in the media and the seeming lack of fireworks at Executive meetings.
Students will be required to analyse the transcripts of Good Morning Ulster ‘exclusive’ interviews and the call-ins to ‘The Biggest Show the Country!’ (a.k.a. slimmer extraordinaire Mr Stephen Nolan).
Extra marks will be awarded for students that manage to stay awake.
The core of this module will be determining when the First Minister sways between referring to Sinn Féin as his ‘partner in government’ and referring to removing individual party vetoes on policy. Students will also be expected to extrapolate the ‘Disneyland or sunstroke’ metaphor used by the deputy First Minister reacting to the First Minister’s Ulster Hall speech.
Students will also be required to explain the phenomenon of public political spats outside the Executive room are quickly replaced by awkward silences, nervous whistling and eyes furtively examining the décor inside the Executive room. Points will be deducted from any student who mentions anywhere in their discourse the phrase ‘elephant in the room’ as this cliché has now been banned under human rights law under the designation ‘cruel and unusual punishment for readers’.
In addition, students will be expected to explain whether the target date of 2015 to ‘re-write the rules’ is a target or is it the exact date when the rules must be revised. [And if they understand that, and/or explain that they can expect a 1.1]
Module 3: Housing – Is that my job?
The core part of this module relies on defining when a Minister has a legislative obligation and when said obligation can be waived because of financial restraints.
Key to students’ responses will be explaining who has fiscal responsibility? And when that fiscal responsibility ends?
Additional course credits will be awarded for students who outline when a minister should inform the rest of the Executive when they’ve blown their budget, for example as soon as the budget is gone or wait till the media points it out; and what happens when the Executive doesn’t provide additional funds during monitoring rounds.
As a conclusion to their course (combination marks awarded across all three modules) students will have to explain why nothing gets done for those in need (intimidated PSNI officers, flood victims, Roma families) except when it is featured on the media.
U-Turns, handbrake turns and general changes in direction
LIBYA – former pariah state, backer of terrorism and all round nasty guys. Well that was the view until a wee while ago.
Then global oil prices went up…
Compensation for Lockerbie victims – done
Oil deals with British companies – done
Convicted bomber released – done
Compensation for victims of terror….errrr no, definitely not done.
That compensation debate has gone from no chance, to we’ll set up a special unit, to the Libyans saying that the matter is closed and go to courts if you think you have a chance…
Gordon Brown’s flip-flopping backwards and forwards now means he is eligible to go on Top Gear and test drive cars ability to change direction quickly.
Then global oil prices went up…
Compensation for Lockerbie victims – done
Oil deals with British companies – done
Convicted bomber released – done
Compensation for victims of terror….errrr no, definitely not done.
That compensation debate has gone from no chance, to we’ll set up a special unit, to the Libyans saying that the matter is closed and go to courts if you think you have a chance…
Gordon Brown’s flip-flopping backwards and forwards now means he is eligible to go on Top Gear and test drive cars ability to change direction quickly.
Wilson told to stay out of the Republic of Ireland
NO, our esteemed Finance Minister, Sammy Wilson, has not been refused entry to the Republic of Ireland as a result of his new haircut.
Instead Sammy wants to be involved in the Republic of Ireland’s National Asset Management Agency (NAMA) discussions. NAMA is tasked with managing the bad debt resulting from the collapse of the property market, including debts the Irish banks might seek to recover in Northern Ireland.
Sammy believes that the Executive should have a formal role in any discussions relating to debts affecting Northern Ireland properties.
NAMA’s response…err no thanks Sammy.
But they have talked, and that’s nice!
Instead Sammy wants to be involved in the Republic of Ireland’s National Asset Management Agency (NAMA) discussions. NAMA is tasked with managing the bad debt resulting from the collapse of the property market, including debts the Irish banks might seek to recover in Northern Ireland.
Sammy believes that the Executive should have a formal role in any discussions relating to debts affecting Northern Ireland properties.
NAMA’s response…err no thanks Sammy.
But they have talked, and that’s nice!
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