Dear Columnist

I note with alarm that Minister for Justice, Mr David Ford MLA, is suggesting that solicitors be allowed to appear in the High Court or the Court of Appeal.

As a practicing barrister, I believe that while this may coincide with some superannuated civil service review, it breaches my inalienable, long established right to cream off as much legal aid as one humanly can within one’s lifetime.

I am sure that Mr Ford is working to ensure that criminals, sorry I meant clients, will be able to access a range of legal services. For goodness sake, how can a solicitor, who can earn money ‘conveyancing’ as well as doing ‘proper’ legal work hope to provide a better and more robust case than us who need to recoup the cost of a silly cape and wig.

We barristers have very little steady income to rely on, and if Mr Ford has his way there will be even less for the high court to contend with in the event of reduced criminality and better community justice. If it keeps going this way, then I shall have to sell the second holiday home and renege on my membership of the yacht club and reduce my golfing to just three times a week.

Yours,

Ex-millionaire Barrister

PS – I know that the Government in London has said there will be no more ‘Saville-type’ inquiries, but can we please, please have at least one big one to keep the pension pot alive?

Hey Jedward

WELL it’s the time of the year when all eyes focus on the key poll, when we are preoccupied with the thought of who will gain most votes, when we sit up late glued to the box to see who has won – yep it’s Eurovision time.

Jedward may have once claimed to be Under Pressure on X-Factor as they covered/massacred [delete according to whether you have no taste or prefer actual music] the Queen and David Bowie song, but now the real pressure mounts.

Will they be Ireland’s 21st Century Johnny Logan (for younger readers he was the last ‘proper’ Eurovision winner) or just a turkey novelty act.

We have high hopes for the bequiffed twins. They already have come close to winning X-Factor, have secured advertising deals and are about to get a 75-date European tour underway.

Should they succeed in winning Eurovision we reckon that Jedward should lead the new Government of the Republic of Ireland.

After all, with Northern Ireland politics only occasionally rising above the level of laughing stock, having a near neighbour who has a joke Government should put everything into perspective.

And Jedward, despite their lack of musical ability or talent, would at least bring out the popular vote – alas it would be votes from people who are either too young to vote, or people so stupid they shouldn’t be allowed to vote.