“We just hate everyone” – a statement from the masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex society

THE politics of condemnation is one that all politicians and almost all commentators have become all too familiar with over the period of the Troubles and in more recent weeks.

But sometimes there is sheer bewilderment at the stupidity, arrogance and hate-filled spite that spews from some.

If it was not bad enough that some of the so-called dissident groups murdered, in cold blood, Constable Ronan Kerr, or that morons targeted a football manager, we had to listen to a litany of targets and collaborators from a masked idiot.

The police were targets, with Roman Catholic officers being prime targets, and anyone else they might come up with on a Saturday night. But, they also slammed Church men, constitutional politicians, the GAA and no doubt were adding anyone in the rest of the population of Ireland, north and south, to their potential legitimate targets, along with the entire nations of Scotland, England and Wales, with the EU to follow shortly afterwards.

They are the worst sort of masked idiots; ones with no real agenda other than hatred and violence. Whatever agenda they may pretend to have is so out of touch with the reality experienced by the majority of Northern Ireland’s 1.8m residents. Sure we rarely agree on anything, but the days of sectarian murder, town centres crippled and pulverised, lives and limbs torn apart are behind us. What sort of twisted nostalgia wants that all to happen again.

We have a theory: masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex. It’s a personality disorder that feels that the sufferer’s life is not complete unless a notional state entity, is wedded with conspirators in churches and politics, working with every civilian to punish illegally the sufferer’s ‘cause’.

The sufferers of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex are easy to spot by their actions, such as wittering on to a few dozen halfwits, murdering people and trying to destroy the economy.

Unfortunately they are harder to identify as their idea of fashion is a balaclava and they prefer to skulk about in the dead of night committing their foul deeds against humanity.

We’d like to offer a final message to sufferers’ of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex from a Republican background: we slag off anyone and everyone in a form of humour sometimes called satire. We’re not always good at it, but we are even-handed, so sufferers from a Loyalist background have been our legitimate targets too. But we target with words. Perhaps you’d be so kind to seek psychiatric help in the meantime.

Colour coding Norn Iron

WE’RE a thoughtful bunch here in Norn Iron – we colour code areas of staunch sectarian attitudes. We can safely lay claim to being the first, if not the only country to colour code sectarianism.

No, not something straightforward as flags or bunting: no, we go one step further and colour code our pavements’ kerbing.

Although the practice is dying out as quickly as traditional industries and support for paramiltarism, there are still parts of Belfast were you will know by way of a green, white and gold kerb, or a red, white and blue kerb, just what the general affiliation of the inhabitants is.

But with the passing of the majority of pavement artistes there has emerged another reliable sign of when you move from one demographic affiliation to another; that is the election poster.

If you see a large amount of DUP and UUP posters then in all likelihood you’ll know you are in a Loyalist/Unionist ward. Similarly, a large amount of Sinn Féin and SDLP posters and you are in a Republican/Nationalist ward.

And, if the net value of the houses in the ward is well above the average then you might see Alliance posters.

[In terms of balance we’d like to say there are other parties contesting the election, check them out on reliable media; or failing that try the local papers, BBC and UTV].

With such sectarian colour coding, it reveals a deep flaw in Northern Ireland politics. The four largest parties do not aspire to gain votes from, wait for it, “the Other Side”.

Much as a token member or voter will appear when politically opportune, or for media purposes, the parties have not the confidence in their message to have any ambition of winning voters by argument. If they did, the arguments on so-called bread and butter issues would justify campaigning in every ward.

Instead we have what we have: the old saying that we get the politicians we deserve may well be true after all.

Aren’t bank holidays inconvenient?

THERE has been much moaning about the Royal Wedding by those fed up with the wall-to-wall media love-in, and privately even the staunchest Royalist unionist politician must be fed up with the whole affair...err not that we’re suggesting a Royal Affair!

First there was Easter and the Assembly election campaign on the stumps stumbled as banks were closed Good Friday and Easter Monday, while some other employers offered staff Easter Monday and Tuesday. Canvassers didn’t know what the score was at all.

Then there was the big yellow ball in the sky...sunshine in Norn Iron at Easter? It’s practically unheard of. Voters were seen in cars actually preparing to go the beach! And, they weren’t wearing seven layers of thermals and a knitted sweater.

A late Easter and then the nuptials of Prince William and Katherine Middleton... With the beneficence of a medieval Lord, Prime Minister Cameron granted us another public holiday.

At the time even nationalists raised a brief huzzah at the thought of another day away from the sweatshop. But now political parties are muttering.

Four days when you can’t guarantee if the punters will be in to harass with good weather, and Champions League semi-finals to boot...

But while they have been bemoaning the wedding, weather and days off voters beware! With all that time off we believe that they will be all marshalling their energies, gathering the canvassing troops and heading to doorsteps and media studios across the land.

Baton down the hatches, get the dog ready to bark the loudest, or simply tell them that you’ve made up your mind, so please, go away. If only it was that easy.