Bejaysus, Begorrah, where did all the politicians go?

SURE when it comes to the day celebrating the patron saint of Ireland the best place to celebrate it is in either the Holy Lands (near Queen’s Uni not Jerusalem!) or in…the good ole US of A.

Pilgrimage to Slemish? Picnic in Downpatrick? Trek to Armagh? Not a bit of it!

When it comes to St Patrick’s Day, the best place for party leaders and assorted MLAs to have a row is in America.

There, they can share a smile, glad-hand investors or even soak up what real politics is all about.

And, away from critical eyes they can even (whisper it softly) be seen to be getting along!

Well, apart from the sociable Social Development Minister, and SDLP leader, Margaret Ritchie.

Ms Ritchie felt slighted that she wasn’t scheduled to press the flesh with President Obama.

Cue media storm in an eggcup and Barack finally meeting her with a delegation from the Republic, who were also not in Ireland on the day, celebrating the patron saint of Ireland.

Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuiness said that Ms Ritchie was being a bit ‘silly’.

Hold the front pages! A Northern Ireland politician being ‘silly’ shocker! Well it beats the usual benchmark of being stubborn, obstinate and darn right confrontational.

Addressing our politicians and others assembled in the White House for St Patrick’s Day, Obama saluted the “outstanding leadership” of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness…

Perhaps the President has missed the past year’s BBC news reports of the fun and games at Stormont…surely you remember the ill-tempered exchanges; the failure to find agreement until a fudge could be worked out that wasn’t too sickly sweet for either side; long nights sampling Shaun Woodward’s hospitality at Hillsborough; and generally accusing each other of being prats…

Perhaps Mr Obama believes a leprechaun made up all the nonsense, because these two party leaders appeared to be on their best behaviour, almost friendly towards each other.

Shown the door

ONE has to admire the courage, tenacity and downright heroic acts of the Ulster Unionist Party.

Faced with a vote on policing and justice, the Ulster Unionist Party decided to argue on making the Executive work well, and education.

No matter the pleas of their Tory bedfellows; faced with pressure from the US administration; faced with criticism from the Secretary of State; faced with every other party and almost every other MLA voting in favour of devolution of policing and justice, the UUP resolutely stood their ground.

Except when deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness allegedly told them to ‘get out’ of his office…

Their courage must have faltered otherwise there should have been a sit-down protest, an unauthorised parade round Martin’s office and a poster campaign reminding the deputy First Minister of their Britishness.

Finally, to rub salt into their wounds the UUP were told by the last local politician that held the powers of policing and justice that they were wrong. He was, of course, the Ulster Unionist peer Lord Kilclooney.

While the ministrations and machinations went on…

WHILE the ministrations and machinations over policing and justice went on, the US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton touched down with much fanfare.

With the singular failure of DUP and Sinn Féin to have an agreement in place Hillary had nothing to announce or endorse, so was left to gently say, keep going, you’re all doing well…

The hints about economic investment and task forces and forums were made…but then that seems to be a regular theme when the US is involved.

This visit also saw the first live blogging of the event, Twitter updates, live coverage of the Assembly on the tele, and more comments online than for any other political event other than elections.

So, those stuck in the office were able to follow events under the catch all of ‘doing research.’ Those privileged to receive an invitation to the appearance of Hillary at City Hall were just stuck.

Yep, the schedule of the visit had been completely knocked off track by the meeting with the ministers first thing.

Now, as there was no agreement, no final cash settlement, no answers to pertinent questions, it begs the further question: what were they actually talking about?

“Was your flight okay Hillary?”

“Very fine, thank you!”

“The hotel room nice?”

“I’ve stayed there before, so yes, thank you”

“Want a coffee?”

“Yes, please – now are you boys going to play nice?”

“Certainly!”

“Yes, certainly Hillary…at least till you get on yer plane, we’ll be the very picture of statesmen!”

Peelers, politicians and the Treasury

IT is with a complete sense of boredom that we report on another week without agreement on the devolution of policing and justice.

With thousands of air miles clocked up, the not-so dynamic duo of First Minister Robinson and deputy First Minister McGuinness continued their shuttling back and forth between Stormont and Downing Street.

It has now become impossible to count the times that devolution of the said powers has been close…Queen’s University, Belfast are opening a Masters Degree in Maths based around the probability theory on just how many times two people can talk about the same bloody thing. This will complement their advanced probability on the Executive ever agreeing on education…

Meanwhile Robinson and McGuinness were taking the deal to their parties. The former was consulting with ‘Executive colleagues’, demanding clarification and the wonderfully titled ‘Tory-proofing’. The latter’s party colleagues have all said no problem to the cash deal and plan.

While most of the population are thoroughly bored with this, it must be a matter of vexation for the First Minister. If he holds out a wee while longer, he can present himself as a tough negotiator…albeit one who takes a very long time to negotiate!

He wants to be able to fend off TUV attacks on the devolution of policing and justice…the old unionist ‘we’re harder than you are’ argument.

But therein lies the rub. Should Sinn Féin feel that they are being given the runaround, the temptation for them will be to collapse the Assembly and hold an election coinciding with the Westminster poll.

With the unionist vote split (at least) three ways in most constituencies, McGuinness must fancy his chances of gaining the First Minister monicker and ditching the deputy tag.

Meanwhile boredom strikes even the political hacks…

He said this, he said that…

MARRIAGE counselling can be a tricky moment in any relationship. Before the rowing partners accept that the other has a point, they must vent their spleen. Before they hug and make up each must air their differences. Each must honestly say where they think their other half has gone wrong.

At least most couples have the decency to air their squabbles in private.

Not so the likely lads that make up the wonderful First and deputy First Minister partnership.
Their private spats make public headlines. First Peter moans at an event in September. Then Martin moans after their US trip. (The old marriage counselling trick of getting the couple away from the scene of disagreement seems to have only briefly caused a kiss and make up scenario.)

And, now, with the spectre of Gordon coming across to cast his beady eye on the situation, will the rowing partners finally see that divorce is a step too far? Will they look each other in the eye and agree to try and work through their issues?

Stay tuned for more tension in the soap opera that is currently passing for politics.

Philosophy students wanted for new course on ‘whataboutery’

AN entire department at Queen’s University, Belfast is to be dedicated to the philosophical examination of what the hell Northern Ireland politicians are on about when they open their mouths to change over their feet.

Such core modules include: “Defining a row and not a row”; “Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet quandary”; and “Housing – Is that my job?”

Module 1: Minister or not a minister – the Hamlet Quandry
IN this part of the course students are to explain the context of a minister’s speaking roles. Their dissertation will be expected to concentrate on explaining when a minister decides when he is to be a party representative and when he is not to be a party representative (i.e. a minister).

Each of the clauses in the above sentence is to be analysed. [Course tutors reserve the right to plagiarise the answers, send them to constitutional lawyers and claim credit when senior civil servants seek legal opinion.]

Students may examine recent speeches from the First Minister, including this week’s controversial Ulster Hall address on how can devolved government deliver for citizens: what was expected of Mr Robinson; what script was he given; did he re-write the script; and was what he said party political or just plain old-fashioned double speak.

As a conclusion, students shall be expected to design a series or jaunty hats that ministers are to wear. This is to let audiences and media instantly tell when they are being a minister, party spokesman or the usual over-opinionated politician given too much air-time. A separate series of hats may be designed to assist MLAs in the same way.

Module 2: Defining a row
STUDENTS shall be required to define the difference between the verbal spats in the media and the seeming lack of fireworks at Executive meetings.

Students will be required to analyse the transcripts of Good Morning Ulster ‘exclusive’ interviews and the call-ins to ‘The Biggest Show the Country!’ (a.k.a. slimmer extraordinaire Mr Stephen Nolan).

Extra marks will be awarded for students that manage to stay awake.

The core of this module will be determining when the First Minister sways between referring to Sinn Féin as his ‘partner in government’ and referring to removing individual party vetoes on policy. Students will also be expected to extrapolate the ‘Disneyland or sunstroke’ metaphor used by the deputy First Minister reacting to the First Minister’s Ulster Hall speech.

Students will also be required to explain the phenomenon of public political spats outside the Executive room are quickly replaced by awkward silences, nervous whistling and eyes furtively examining the décor inside the Executive room. Points will be deducted from any student who mentions anywhere in their discourse the phrase ‘elephant in the room’ as this cliché has now been banned under human rights law under the designation ‘cruel and unusual punishment for readers’.

In addition, students will be expected to explain whether the target date of 2015 to ‘re-write the rules’ is a target or is it the exact date when the rules must be revised. [And if they understand that, and/or explain that they can expect a 1.1]

Module 3: Housing – Is that my job?
The core part of this module relies on defining when a Minister has a legislative obligation and when said obligation can be waived because of financial restraints.

Key to students’ responses will be explaining who has fiscal responsibility? And when that fiscal responsibility ends?

Additional course credits will be awarded for students who outline when a minister should inform the rest of the Executive when they’ve blown their budget, for example as soon as the budget is gone or wait till the media points it out; and what happens when the Executive doesn’t provide additional funds during monitoring rounds.

As a conclusion to their course (combination marks awarded across all three modules) students will have to explain why nothing gets done for those in need (intimidated PSNI officers, flood victims, Roma families) except when it is featured on the media.