Welcome to the crazy world of Norn Iron politics

IT has occurred to us that some readers are not the political anoraks that we fiercely deny we are...and that a beginner’s guide to Norn Iron politics might be useful.

On reflection even a beginner’s guide would fill more pages than we can really be bothered writing, what with all the excitement (not!) over the forthcoming raft of elections.

So we just decided to give those of you who have a life a wee glimpse at what the mighty law-dispensing body that is the Assembly has in store this week.

Well, there are a number of vitally important decisions that must, no really must be faced within the (teddy) bear pit - that is the fierce debates in the Northern Ireland Assembly chamber. Okay, they’re not that fierce, more like restrained distaste across the expanse of blue carpet.

After the statutory prayers today (Monday) there are such vital items for discussion as the Dogs (Amendment Bill) and the Second Stage of the Cyclists (Protective Headgear) Bill. Both worthy and necessary pieces of legislation; but if you were to look round the chamber you’d likely find a paltry show of MLAs.

There is also the wonderfully obtuse section of Assembly jargon with an item proposed that “this Assembly takes note of the Draft Budget announced on 15 December” by the venerable Finance Minister Sammy Wilson.

Take note – or randomly disagrees about everything that the DUP and Sinn Féin will agree on before deciding to pick on UU Health Minister Michael McGimpsey again.
On Tuesday things really hot-up with the Welfare Animals Bill, and the Consideration and Further Consideration, respectively of the Licensing and Registration of Clubs (Amendment) Bill and the Transport Bill.

But wait a minute! It’s easy to poke fun at our MLAs engaging in such debates; no honestly it’s really easy! But behind the veneer of idiocy there is some proper ‘work’ going on up at the Big House, such as the Safeguarding Bill to protect children and the Wildlife and Natural Environment Bill protecting what’s left of our eco-system.

So why do our MLAs, even when it is not election season, seem determined to obscure the solid pieces of legislation that they and their officials undertake with shows of obdurate daftness when a microphone is waved before them? No party is blameless, so we suspect that it is a conspiracy. We’re not normally conspiracy theorists, but this one has the stench of implausible plausibility.

If we the great unwashed were to ever suspect that they were actually doing something meaningful we would have to consider voting on ISSUES. Rather than engaging in the sectarian headcount that passes for polls we would have to discuss ISSUES. And if we were to do that even Alliance might get a shout at an Executive seat...oops they already got that because the Assembly’s internal sectarian headcount couldn’t agree who was to get the poisoned justice chalice.

Budget – oh please give us a break

WHEN it comes to the NI Executive budget there is a general theme emerging as we draw closer to the end of the consultation. We basically know that we’re all doomed, but one has to keep a watchful eye on the goings on at the Assembly.

On Tuesday (25 January) the Committee for Employment and Learning discussed the review of the Education Maintenance Allowance. Good deal, one thinks – as it is a topic that has exercised much discussion, not least amongst students.

But here’s the rub: they debated it in closed session according to the information published on the Assembly website.

One wonders what will be said behind firmly shut doors; and how this is a demonstration of open accountable democracy in action.

Quick, do a UUP headcount

MUCH as we’ve all been overtaken by events in the Republic of Ireland, it must come as a relief to Tom Elliott as he watches more departures from his party.

The latest departures are on Larne Council, and news that David McClarty is to run as an Independent, all would seem to add to the woes of Mr Elliott. At the Alliance Party conference two Westminster UUP candidates – Paul Bradshaw and Harry Hamilton – were visible and obviously afforded a warm welcome.

With such a background there has been much talk about electoral meltdown for the UUP. We, however, suspect that they will surprise a few doubters (no, we are not insane!).

Hear us out here: after they do a headcount of who is left in the UUP there is one obvious tactic guaranteed to have recalcitrant Ulster Unionist voters rushing to vote. It is the sympathy vote. Mr Elliott needs to go on air at every possible opportunities and gurns his wee lamps out (to coin a Belfast colloquialism). Claim that the political playground bullies are picking on him and every bleeding heart liberal will be backing him. That is, if they put aside his earlier gaffes on gays and the GAA…

Omens and portents

THERE has been a much-hyped fictional rubbish being peddled that 2012 will mark the end of the world, based on some obscure calendar. As with all these prophesies they generally fall short of evidence based on the fact that so far they have proved to be rubbish.

But, we are feeling a little nervous about 2012. Yes, omens and portents of strangeness are bounding about the world.

Think about it for a moment: the Alliance Party leader David Ford declared his party as the truly ‘radical’ party at his party conference at the weekend and no-one – inside or outside the conference hall – guffawed. A few sniggers yes, but had that been uttered by any Alliance leader before this, there would have been one of those laugh-out-loud moments much beloved by the LOL texters.

To add to the omens and portents there was the sight of Fine Gael leader (and Taoiseach in waiting?) Enda Kenny addressing the Alliance conference. Fine Gael do not strike many people as being the natural bedfellows of Alliance (one glance at party policies is enough to confirm that) but Enda was adamant about being mates with Alliance.

What with Brian quitting as chief blame taker in the Republic as the conference was still ongoing, we do fear that this congruence of coincidences may not be a mere statistical anomaly and is the first of the sets of omens and portents that will afflict politics before the world ends in 2012.

[Editor’s note: we do not in fact believe that the world will end in 2012 being rational human beings, but we fear that there may be mature political debate breaking out, thus leaving satirists and comedians struggling for material.]

Election ennui even before the election is called

WE have tried to diligently keep track of the comings and goings, and twists and turns of politics here in Northern Ireland and in the Republic of Ireland, but frankly even political anoraks must be getting a wee bit bored now.

There are some who are whipping themselves into a frenzy over the whole state of affairs.

And we are reluctant to make any comment on the debacle that passes for politics in the Republic of Ireland as by the time we finish writing this paragraph things will have changed again.

So, we are already wondering how many others are becoming just a teeny bit bored by the electioneering in the undeclared electoral war in Northern Ireland – even if polling hostilities haven’t been officially declared.

If, as we suspect, the Assembly is dissolved on March 25th for the poll, then full-scale conflagration shall erupt across our airwaves.

We, therefore, suggest that you keep a track of the media electioneering you come across on the airwaves before that date; for no other purpose than to amuse yourself and shout at the TV in indignation, then slope away to your ‘tinterweb connection and vent some invective.

We do not condone electioneering and rants on comment sites, but we do condone you going online with the results of any informal survey you have made of electioneering.

We might try it ourselves but frankly we’re getting bored by all the tripe being put about already: if it was not for the fact that Assembly might actually get some real work done, such as passing the Budget, before it packs it in for full-on airwave rants then we might struggle to stay awake.

Mind your tongue

WHILE doom and gloom pervades each and every economic corner of Northern Ireland, it is re-assuring that the Department of Regional Development has a weather eye on the language needs of Northern Ireland.

Conor Murphy has announced a consultation on whether we need bi-lingual road signage: with either Irish or Ulster-Scots translations.

Let’s rejoice in this forward-thinking policy!

For this is not just cunning lingual plans, this is an economic proposal. For if we get bi-lingual – or even tri-lingual – signs then we’ll need a lot of signs designed (work for graphic designers), lots of language checking (work for translators) and erection of the signs (work for DRD staff).

If only there was a few quid spare to pay for it all.

For goodness sake get healthy!

RIGHT everyone, never mind the New Year Resolutions to get fit, it is now imperative, urgent and damn near crucial to get fit, rid yourself of fat and cut out the booze and ciggies.

Health Minister Michael McGimpsey has painted a picture of a health service on its knees, with waiting lists growing, services being cut and so on and so on.

So if you have an elderly relative waiting for domiciliary care, or a place in a nursing home you need to take action to make sure you don’t need to be a drain on the budget…

And if you end up injured or ill, bring a good book – maybe several – as you wait for any help whatsoever.

In the meantime don’t get too stressed, your mental health is vital: so don’t listen to the waffle and point scoring of politicians - just stay well.

THE former Chief Examiner of ‘A’ level economics and current Minister for Finance and Personnel, Sammy Wilson was in a war of numbers this week, as opposed to the usual war of words.

It appears that someone got their numbers crossed and confused when comparing health budgets in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

Tortuously eyes were cast over a briefing note to the Finance Committee highlighting the fact that Minister Wilson had got his figures wrong in statement before Christmas. According to the Assembly research department, the Scots reduced their health spend by .303% - not 3.03% as suggested by the Minister…oh we don’t really care anymore. No-one with something approximating a life will be bothered by the nuances of such comparison.

Crude politicking lies behind all comparisons and use of statistics.

What really needs to happen is some cool heads to look at what way we can organise the figures, shift the money about and get central government to loosen up a wee bit.

We have an idea for co-option to the Executive’s bean counter cadre. Eric Daniels.

Eric is the Lloyds Banking boss who presided over the rather unfortunate purchase of debt ridden HBOS (Halifax Bank of Scotland), which led to Government taking a share in the Lloyds Group (currently at 41%). He’s quitting in March with an alleged bonus of £2m coming his way.

But look at his record – he was in charge when the money train ground to a halt, he got the bank back in profit and got government to cough up.

So, while his services might be costly, we could always ask Eric to spend a couple of weeks playing with the books of NI plc and getting HM Treasury to loosen the purse strings.

Ultimately Eric could help privatise the entire region as the first FTSE listed region…

DIY SOS NI

GOOD evening and welcome to DIY SOS NI – the country where doing it ourselves has taken on a new meaning – and we don’t even have Nick Knowles and his happy band of helpers to lend a hand.

Yes, with the cutbacks we’re all going to have to pitch in and help save the world around us.

First order of the day - schools! You see those dratted mandarins at the Treasury have changed the rules and, if NI plc hasn’t spent the money, the Treasury want it back. So out goes about £87m of funding carried over to build new schools and replace dilapidated and unsafe classrooms.

In line with PM David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’, if we all chip in we can sort the whole mess out. If you have a school near you needing rebuilding you can do something about it! Donate a brick, chip in for the cement and if you don’t have any building or construction skills get along to your local further education college and enrol for a course.

And if you really, really believe that the north-west needs a new cancer unit, and the minister says he can build it but not resource it, then people step up to the mark. Get along to university and do a crash course in radiotherapy and radiography – then you can volunteer to get along. And we’re pretty sure that you can chip in for the cost of any equipment.

Really, come on, if we all put our shoulder to the wheel everything will be all right.

Errrr, except it won’t: the list of cuts is mind-boggling. Education, further education, higher education, health, social services, housing; wherever you look the departmental draft budgets make for bleak reading.

But if you really want to have your say, apart from spouting off on the radio, the Northern Ireland Executive has extended the consultation by one week from the 9th to the 16th February – so that’s okay then.

And look out over coming weeks for each and every member of the Executive and each and every MLA pleading poverty to their colleagues and doing the ‘sad face’ in front of the cameras.

ESA please!

IN a stunning New Year’s resolution Northern Ireland Executive ministers are to resolve to make actual real proper decisions this year.

Yes, they will come up with an answer to the post-primary school transfer quandary, they will agree the best way forward on water charging, they will solve the issue of mental health needs and they will finally complete the education element of the Review of Public Administration by establishing the Education and Skills Authority.

After reading that ESA has cost £10m without closing the education and library boards, Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness told the Executive: “Let’s get our act together!”

With sober contemplation the ministers sat, late on New Year’s Eve, looking at the embers of their fires, contemplating 2010 and decided that their collective resolution was that they would not look after selfish political interests, nor personal promotion, but would act collectively for the common good.

Unfortunately, like all New Year’s Resolutions they are broken quickly and the bickering and back-biting so far in 2011 is but a mere warm-up for the election campaign.

HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!