Monday, 10 May 2010
A NEW macroeconomic source for global downturn has been found - the cost of recounts in Fermanagh and South Tyrone. In fact, a new School of Economics has been founded in the University of Ulster's Big Sums Faculty.
An example of their work to date: the largest known number at present is a 'yotta'. That is a 1 followed by 24 zeroes. Following research at the university, this is to be revised upwards as mathematicians now know the permutations on votes in Fermanagh and South Tyrone are innumerable.
The new largest number will be dubbed a 'Gildernew', which is a 1 followed by as many zeroes as you can feasibly think of while watching another TV report of a recount of votes from Ballygobackwards.
The drain on global resources from these recounts has now been calculated as causing a shortage in worldwide supplies of calculators, logarithm books and abacuses.
Meanwhile, David Cameron reckons that an early election must be avoided at all costs as another poll in Fermanagh and South Tyrone will utterly destroy any hopes of cutting public spending - it may in fact cost another trillion.
The Liberal Democrats have rejected a Tory compromise of nuking Fermanagh and South Tyrone, but only because the Lib Dems promised that Trident just had to go. "Even if we wanted to, if we use one of these big bombs we'd have to buy another one....still it might be worth it to save the world's electoral resources," said one source close to Clegg. In the meantime, they are threatening to send Lembit Opik as this may cause local farmers to lock up all daughters of voting age and he has nothing to do with his vastly increased spare time.