So what did you do over the summer?

IT’S that perennial classroom question; please write 500 words on what you did over the summer. Normally MLAs would struggle with beyond “bit of constituency work, and a break in the sun”.

Not so our intrepid, nay our dynamic duo of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness. The First Minister and Deputy First Minister have been busy wee beavers.

Shed off the burden of fellow Executive Ministers and the noose of nagging Assembly members, the Peter and Martin show cranked up the revs and put the boot to the floor.

In a single press release, the pair managed to cover 10 issues. Yep – where normally a press release issued by any arm of government struggles to exceed 10 paragraphs, this ode to decision-making rattled off decisions galore. Mind you, given that the last decision announced in the release was a review of the Executive Information Service this might just be a weird efficiency drive…

First up was the news that the Maze/Long Kesh former jail site was to be – well work was to finally start on the site. Well not actually any more work because they need to appoint a chair and a board to develop the development board’s work.

On the topic of the post-conflict something or another, there will now only be one Victims’ Commissioner. Where once there were four, now there are three and soon there will be one.

Anyone with a sense of irony may remember the toll taken by debates, court shenanigans and time wasted around the appointment of the four victims commissioners may pause to reflect that if the MLAs and Ministers concerned at the time had an ounce of wit then a lot of money could have been saved. But maybe all it took was a summer when we didn’t let the First Minister and deputy First Minister away with their bucket and spade.

Also flagged in the release was the appointment of a chair for the ILEX Board, which if you’re not from Derry/Londonderry then you will not understand what this is. And if you do, you get bonus points for your next political essay.

Still with us here – because there was a lot more to the succinct release, but we assure you that Ministers must be shuddering with horror at the agenda of the Norn Iron Executive’s first meeting after the summer holidays on September 3. Because Peter and Marty will be turning in one hell of an agenda based around what they’ve been up to.

One the agenda will be – based on this release – the Education and Skills Authority Bill. A bill designed to wind five education and library boards up, together with the Catholic Council for Maintained Education along with a host of other services. This stalled piece of the Review of Public Administration has, with no sense of saving any money been costing taxpayers millions, but may eventually save us all a total of £2.50 over coming millennia.

[Pausing for breath…] We also read with the delight that the Social Investment Funds are to finally to dive into action sometime soon, with some eejits volunteering to spend government money and then be accountable as to why they tried to spend it but government red tape wouldn’t allow them to spend the money.

There was also a non-announcement in the release around the Welfare Reform Bill. Social Development Minister, Nelson McCausland, has been at pains to say he’s trying to soften the blade of the Tory cuts axe in welfare reform after a series of rather public criticisms. But just in case anyone hadn’t listened to the many questions he has answered and the many public interviews on it.

Peter and Marty reassured us that the Executive is hard at work to “ameliorate the harsher elements of the Westminster Legislation”.  Now, as fans of Plain English we quickly clicked on “ameliorate” in our Word processor synonym function. It said that synonyms of “ameliorate” included “improve, restructure, revolutionise, reorganise, modernise, rearrange, upgrade…” We then checked our Collins English Dictionary, which said “ameliorate” could be defined as “to make, or become, better”.

Now take that sentence from the press release:  “ameliorate the harsher elements of the Westminster Legislation” and instead of “ameliorate” insert any of the words in the paragraph above. Are the Ministers suggesting we are to improve those harsher elements to make them harsher still? Are they going to make sure they are going to be better at being harsher? Will they be re-arranging the harsher elements into little bundles of harshness? Or is there a plan to modernise these harsh elements so as they have new little shiny suits of harshieness.

You may think that we are belabouring the point [Editor – you are belabouring it!], but, where normally the Executive is purposefully vague this seems to be picking a word at random in the hope it means what you think it means. When dealing with a benefits system affecting thousands of households one would have thought a wee bit of thought would have went into the language.

One would have also thought that Peter and Marty would have been rather pleased with themselves that while locked in a darkened room with only cold pizza and orange juice and lime juice (see what we did there…) they had cracked the thorny issue of the Cohesion, Sharing and Integration Strategy.

You remember that one about all being cuddly and nice to each other, not offending anyone which pissed off the Alliance Party? Yeah the CSI strategy (Cuddly, Sugary, Icky Strategy) has now managed to annoy Ulster Unionists. Now if CSI can also infuriate the SDLP, TUV, Green Party and David McNarry then it will be neither Cohesive, Sharing nor Integrated. Peter and Marty can shrug their shoulders and congratulate themselves as being more direct rule than direct rulers.

The final announcement in the list of announcements was re-structuring government with fewer ministers and less MLAs. That’s a row that has already started with speculation over DEL’s demise and one ripe for hissy fits and nervous MLAs. To be frank we can’t wait!

Schools out!

Schools out!
SCHOOLS may be closed for the summer hols, but the Education Minister has published plans by the education boards to close some schools permanently.

But, and we suggest you all do this, have a go at reading the boards’ area plans. Somewhere within these voluminous documents you will find details of closures and mergers. If you are very patient.

However, what we really, really cannot wait for is the return of the Assembly in September. Then we are likley to see a spectacular outbreak of NIMBYism as MLAs suddenly decide that the Executive’s budget be damned they want to be seen to support their own neighbourhood’s failing school...

The God (P)article
LET’S make sure they do this right. At Cern, Switzerland, we have discovery of the elusive Higgs Boson particle, helping to complete the standard model of particle physics. Sometimes it is called, erroneously, The God Particle. Here in Norn Iron we have THE GOD ARTICLE.

Yes, it has to be all in capital letters, and it is an article of faith that any given news story will seek firstly an angle to do with religious divide. Helpfully, a few dozen idiots on both sides provide a summer of occasional recreational rioting along traditional parade routes/sectarian flashpoints.

Then we have The ‘Health’ God Article where doctrines of faith, belief, theology and biblical quotations rain down on issues such as abortion and blood donation from gays. Here any debate is couched with secularists accusing the Minister of pursuing a religious angle (we’ve looked but there is scant reference to blood donation in the bible…) and of an (un)holy alliance of Roman Catholics and Calvinists against any change in the abortion laws.

In education, The God Article applies to our wonderfully diverse educational system that can have four different types of schooling systems running – supposedly – the same curriculum.  While there are moves to ‘shared education’, they have been developing very slowly and veer well away from integrated education.  The churches seem somewhat averse to having their young congregation members hear what the other side of The God Article believes.

And then we have the creationist side of The God Article. One must have supposed that after the furore caused by the National Trust’s judicial review of the proposed golf resort near the Giant’s Causeway that the DUP and some of its associated churches would be appeased the Trust’s reference to the creationist interpretation of how the basalt columns at the Causeway were formed.

What a miscalculation…

Social media exploded with multiple Tweets slamming the inclusion of the Creationist interpretation. Luminaries of the science world visited a Moses-like wrath using social media.  The man the religious love to hate, Richard Dawkins, is quoted in today (Friday’s) Belfast Telegraph alongside the media darling of physics, Professor Brian Cox. This may be one foe even the Caleb Foundation (who worked with the National Trust to have creationism mentioned in the new Causeway Centre) cannot hope to defeat.

Good looks, and multiple BBC TV series against stunning scenery and epic musical accompaniment. Prof Cox could be the tipping point to the final confirmed discovery of The God Article in Norn Iron, an elusive Article that requires the media to find a controversy whether there is one or not and a minister (religious or political) can be found to go on the radio.

70-up club
NEVER mind 7-up, we have amongst our MLAs the wonderful 70-up; not a carbonated soft drink, but a club of 40 MLAs who have expenses of more than £70,000 last year.

Of these 10 are in the exclusive £80,000+ club of expenses claims.

These expenses are for establishing and running offices in their constituencies, including staffing and travelling. Is this the price of democracy more than £1m in expenses plus salaries and the cost of running Stormont’s Big House on the Hill? With a minimum salary of £43,101 per MLA it brings into focus the value for money provided by the Northern Ireland Assembly. And this week the MLAs delivered big time on that value for money.

Five pieces of legislation were debated on Tuesday (3 July) and two pieces of legislation on Monday (2 July). Some of these concerned minor amendments to existing legislation.  But rather than take a cheap shot (as if we would!) at the Norn Iron Executive (cramming its work into the last days of term like a recalcitrant schoolchild), we should acknowledge that weeks and months of torturous negotiation and horse trading were doubtless required to get the legislation across the line and on to the floor of the Assembly. A remarkable feat when you consider five very different parties are involved in this painful process.

Here Comes the Summer!

YOU may not have noticed it with the torrential downpours and grey skies, but the summer's here and, to paraphrase those Derry punk scamps, The Undertones, it’s time for our MLAs to get out and find out what fun is about!

This is the last week when the Assembly sits, the last week when they plenary session gets to debate stuff they can't really change or do anything about, the last week when committee chairs can frown in indignation about some ministerial cock up or another.

There are but two plenary sessions and a clatter of committee meetings before the Assembly summer recess. Travel agents are circling like vultures ready to seize the wary MLA who has to yet make a booking to get the hell out of here before the recreational rioting season kicks in...

We may (or may not) paint an unfair picture of the fact that the MLAs are getting an eight-week break to run alongside the Easter, Christmas and other assorted leave days in their school-term-time only schedule. What passes for reality is that some MLAs will man their constituency offices ready to help their constituents and calculate the loss of mileage claims while not going to Stormont.

The business of government will also continue with a duty roster of Ministers and their spokespeople on hand to deny any knowledge of any problem to avoid an on-air spat with Stephen Nolan.

While we too will be offering this column a break over the summer, we will be monitoring the machinations in the monsoon-like conditions, keeping a weather eye on MLA pronouncements and making sure no consultation goes unconsulted on for our clients new and old.

The boss will keep driving us on like slaves constructing public affairs pyramids to achieve real change...

Glad that's all over!

WON'T it be nice to get down to some normal Norn Iron rowing and fighting for a while! Last week was extraordinary by any standards.

Floods, royals, golf and banking meltdowns - you get one in a few dozen years and then four come along at once...

Peter and Marty - our statesman-like dynamic duo of First Minister and deputy First Minister had the hands shaken off them by Her Maj and a squad of golfers, while Sammy Wilson opened the Department of Finance and Personnel's wallet for flood victims’ emergency relief and nobody could do anything about the Ulster Bank's lack of money for its customers.

But fear not! There was still some slagging to be done. Under fire were Danny Kennedy and his Department of Regional Development trying to excuse away the poor phone response to unseasonal downpours and backed up drains and sewers, and at the same time there was criticism of the golf. Yes, have you not heard? MLAs are demanding an investigation into the failure of golf training standards across Norn Iron. Apparently being one of the top golfing destinations in the world, having a trio of US Open and Open winners plus a clatter of other top flight stars from Norn Iron is not good enough. If an MLA cannot get their picture taken with a home town winner at the home town event then something's going wrong. We expect the First Minister and deputy First Minister to face questions in the house about this failure!

[Credit to Belfast Telegraph for picture]

Hush now baby don’t you cry…

JOURNALISTS were today seen openly weeping over their keyboards, news editors punched walls and headline writers were losing sleep – all because the Assembly is considering a secrecy law.

Yep, the Assembly is considering a proposal to make it a duty of MLAs to respect confidentiality, otherwise known as a ‘shut the hell up’ duty.

Prompted by the leaks over NI Water and other reports also ending up on desks of journalists, MLAs could be asked to sign – in blood hopefully – a confidentiality clause. This would mean that the days of journos carousing around newsrooms after seeing the latest leaked document will be over.

No more will MLAs struck by their conscience at seeing another cock-up, hand the dirty files of corruption and mismanagement over to be exposed in the cruel gaze of the general public.

Instead the executive departments will be able to sanitise the reports, redact the key points and protect ministers, party colleagues, civil servants, public servants and others from the spiteful spotlight of public disapproval.

There, is of course, an upside to all this. It might dry up the shock jockeys prompting the great unwashed to ring their radio shows with ignorant rants about them folks up on the hill.

Ministers will able to carry out their business in quiet discussion, while committee meetings will increasingly be in private. MLAs will able to do their deals and their horse trading in the safe knowledge that wrongdoing, mismanagement and poor administration can dealt with on the quiet, before stepping into the public and enjoining in the usual tribal slagging matches.

Eye On The Hill

Fracking golfers!

OH for frack sake there is a time and a place for over-reaction: it’s when your football team crashes out of the European championships because they’re awful or because the referee hadn’t gone to Specsavers.

For more than 40 years over-reaction has been the stock in trade of Norn Iron’s political classes, but we all thought they’d have left that behind. Think again suckers because over-reaction is back and it is kicking up a fine storm.

First we had the aul’ will ‘e or won’t ‘e palaver about whether or not deputy first minister Martin McGuinness would shake the hand of Her Maj (nobody seems to have asked Her Maj whether she wants to shake Marty’s hand) which caused collective Sinn Féin apoplexy and unionist reciprocal fury.

Next up we had fracking – to those who still think this is a swear word, it is a bastardised word for hydraulic fracturing; the means by which the “unconventional” gas industry a extract shale gas from the ground.

This week the Co-Op showed a film questioning whether fracking was a good thing or not. Cue for minister for enterprise, trade and investment Arlene Foster – normally a sure footed politician – to pen off a missive which was not complimentary at all about the Co-Op and the film called ‘Gasland’.

In terms of over-reaction questioning the ethics of an institution that is an ethically investor scores high on the over-reaction scale, perhaps higher than the richter scale than last year’s earth tremors near Blackpool, allegedly caused by fracking.

But the over-reaction scale went through the rant-ometer rating when the National Trust, that radical left-wing Trotsky-ite revolutionary garden club, had the temerity to launch a legal challenge about a golf resort on the north coast, less than one-mile away from the entrance to the Giant’s Causeway.

Finn MacCool must be threatening a comeback at the prospect of more golf courses on the north coast…well we think that was the basis of the National Trust’s legal challenge, but we may be mistaken.

That the National Trust challenged this development, which has been the subject of planning controversy for 12 years or so, provoked a stereotypical backlash.  These included dark murmurings about the fact that the Trust had gotten Government grants towards a new visitor centre and development of facilities at the Giant’s Causeway, mutterings about biting the hand that feeds and the need for golf to relieve the stress rich businessmen and well healed tourists during the worst recession in living memory. We beg to differ on that last point, we know a great granny whose living memory extends to the Great Depression of the 30s, the current recession hasn’t even been given capital letters yet.

We do wonder at this over-reaction by the DUP in particular to this lawful challenge by the National Trust to a decision made by an SDLP minister. Let’s face it, the Giant’s Causeway will be here long after Rory McIlroy retires from the Senior Golf Tour.

Postie Dodds off on his rounds

If your post is late in North Belfast blame your MP! Well for one day anyway, Nigel Dodds is accompanying one lucky postman on his rounds to get a taste of what it is like for the delivery people who are out in all weathers to deliver bills, birthday cards and credit card statements.

We hope that the dog owners in North Belfast are not aiming for their pooches to get a taste for Mr Dodds.  This experience will be an eye-opener for all the MPs taking part across the UK in something many will not have experienced before - a hard day's work.

But it also gave us an idea...what other occupations could our elected representatives do for a day to show them what this weird thing called work could be.

Rather than run down the full list of jobs the 108 MLAs could do, we thought we'd start with some members of the Norn Iron Executive and you can add more as you see fit.

First up there is Minister of Environment Alex Attwood. As the environmentalists main concern is global warming, Mr Attwood could operate a fan across the Assembly chamber to cool down the hot air that normally blows out from it, quickly followed by a shift at the power plants generating some renewable energy resources by talking endlessly.

Then we could have the Minister of Enterprise, Trade and Investment, Arlene Foster spending the day at a call centre answering stupid questions, but then again that's what she does during ministerial question time. Minister of Culture, Arts and Leisure, Caral Ni Chuilin could get some crayons and colouring in paper to make some pretty pictures followed by a day standing around as an extra for Game of Thrones.

Minister for Regional Development, Danny Kennedy could be digging up roads for a day, facing the ire of motorists, while Minister for Social Development, Nelson McCausland should perhaps spend a day manning the dole office to hear what it is like on the front line. Minister for Agriculture and Rural Development Michelle O'Neill could herd cattle all day, just like dealing with an Assembly committee, and Minister for Health, Edwin Poots could put in a day as a porter at an A&E department.

Minister for Employment and Learning, Stephen Farry...well he has our sympathy as he'll soon be out of a ministerial job, so he can spend a day visiting Nelson McCausland at the dole offices and get some help filling in endless forms only to find out that if he doesn't attend three interviews he's losing his benefits.

Ford fines the boozers

THE ongoing war against booze has seen another executive minister enter into the fray to make sure the Northern Ireland government combats any sense of fun. The days of stumbling, jolly-faced from your local boozer, or having a cheerful can of cheap beer from a blue carrier bag in your local park, are now numbered.

With bans on boozing spreading everywhere, minister of just us, sorry we meant Justice, David Ford has announced that the PSNI are to have the power to fine you £40, if your deemed to be drunk. If you’re disorderly too, the fine is doubled…

 

Of course we have yet to see the definition of ‘drunk’. Is it going be enforced without fear or favour? Will the gates of Ulster Rugby’s Ravenhill have police officers waiting with pads of fine notices as the rugby drunks emerge, and will ‘half cut’ GAA and soccer fans be targeted by overzealous offers as they emerge from Casement Park and Windsor Park.

 

Will we see the Odyssey targeted, night clubs stalked and Belfast’s Golden Mile targeted?

 

Of course, Mr Ford’s rationale is that it costs a lot to take a first offender to court, so slapping him or her with a quick fixed penalty is an easy way to address this.

 

However, there may be difficulties. Will someone at a certain level of drunkenness be able to recall their name, let alone their address? Will the police officer be trained to determine whether the apparently inebriated person have an illness that makes the person appear drunk. Will David Ford claim environment minister Alex Attwood’s crown as ‘minister of no fun’, or is social development minister Nelson McCausland gunning for that role.

 

What is apparent is that political parties who are not known for their policies of abstinence and temperance are those talking about alcohol restrictions.

 

With the supposed consensual coalition that is the Northern Ireland executive, have SDLP and Alliance morphed into mini-DUPers? Are they now implementing a policy that would have been associated with the famous Paisley description of alcohol being the ‘devil’s buttermilk’?

 

Are these populists moves in reaction to calls for alcohol restriction? It all depends what question is being posed. “Do you oppose public drunkenness?” The answer is invariably “Yes” thus gaining a few extra votes along the way. “Do you enjoy an occasional drink” “Yes” being the sensible answer…IT’s all about the question behind the rhetoric.

 

Alcohol is a scourge on our health services, as Edwin Poots in his Health Minister frequently reminds us, and booze companies are always telling us to “enjoy [insert name of tipple here] responsibly” And, therein lies the rub dear reader. After a week listening to the tortuous ‘me too’ games of our executive ministers there is no chance of any sane individual drinking responsibly!

ROAD TRIP!

WE’RE on the road this weekend as the grandees of Sinn Féin and the party faithful gather in Killarney to discuss…well to discuss what is wrong with the world and what they plan to do to put it right.

As (southern) Ireland thinks about whether to vote yes to a treaty or no to a treaty, as Fianna Fáil gets their knickers in a knot about not being anywhere like an effective opposition, all should seem rosy for Sinn Féin at their Ard Fheis.

But, there is the wee thing about being a partitionist party…what! Says you! Shinners as partitionists? Well sort of, they have to deal with the reality of the border as it is, and get on with things, but it’s the economic policy that is causing the confusion.

With Fianna Fáil floundering, Sinn Féin is perceived to be the effective opposition in the Dáil. Just off Merrion Street SF deputies have the opportunity to slam, lambast and tut loudly about cutbacks. In Northern Ireland/Ulster/the Occupied Six Counties they are one of (the many) parties in “Government” and on occasion have to lay the cold dead hand of cuts and closures on public services.

So, how to deal with this dichotomy…well for a start (and we would not wish to put words into their mouths) they could say that Norn Iron’s economy does not require the drastic slash and burn required, because of the failed banks south of the border. Or they could say that they are statesman-like and deal with the political realities, whether they are in Ballymena, Ballyronan or Brussels.

They could also hope that with barely prayers to stave off despair that the Euro doesn’t go belly up over in Greece. Not because of the perilous state that would leave the south’s economy in, but because the British Government might lose billions resulting in more cuts in Norn Iron.

But while they ponder the problems and debate a way forward the chattering masses in Norn Iron want to know…yes want to know who will be the new Junior Minister in the Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister.

With Martina Anderson heading off to assume MEP duties, who will be the new sidekick and/or partner to Jonathan Bell of the DUP…

In the meantime, we’re packing the sandwiches, revising the briefs our clients have given, pouring cool orange juice into flasks and turning the ignition to head off to Killarney!

Dear John,

I hope you are well, and may I be the first to congratulate you on finding the extra £72m for education and all that you are responsible for. This is especially encouraging given that it was a just a few short months ago that you managed to find an extra £100m+ for education.

While we all note that you have warned us that there are tough times ahead for education, this extra money will be a boost to the poor teachers, over-stretched youth workers, early years staff and classroom assistants who all will be assuredly tugging their forelock in grateful appreciation at receiving your largesse.

That you were able to determine the level of need so quickly, once the money became available, demonstrates your immense grasp of complex problems, such as you have shown with your contribution to discussions on the vexatious issue of post-primary transfer.

May I also say that your efforts to prise open the notoriously tight wallet of Finance Minister Mr Sammy Wilson is worthy of a scene in the sequel to Oceans 13 – Stormont 15 – which Northern Ireland Screen should be commissioning shortly if you find your way to securing some more money.

I would also like to commend your sterling efforts in ‘efficiency savings’. Most efficient! To be able to squeeze such efficiencies when you still have five education and library boards and no education and skills authority in place is truly remarkable; especially given your statement in March on how many schools weren’t really viable and that you haven’t been able to close that many as of yet.

So, in congratulating you on being able to secure this extra £72m, can I ask is there any money to spare? Perhaps now that your pockets seem to be brimming with £50 and £20 pound notes you could see your way to…well you know where I am.

Yours sincerely,
Edwin Poots
Minister for Health, Social Services and Public Safety

P.S. Do you have some ‘story’ on Sammy that the rest of the Executive doesn’t know yet?
P.P.S. Remember our wee chat? When are we going to see creationism on the curriculum?
P.P.P.S. Can you send some of your finance people my way, as I need to close a few more hospitals and A&E services, but want to make it sound good.