We oppose!

THE Ulster Unionist leader Tom Elliott last week floated the idea that mandatory coalition government is perhaps not the best way forward.

In a speech to business leaders he floated the idea of a formal opposition in the Assembly chamber and other assorted ideas such as reduced numbers of constituencies.

We, have to wonder, has Mr Elliott thought this through.

First of all – under the current system and most people’s guesstimates over the May election results this would mean no seat in Government for the UUP or SDLP.

Second – the whole committee system would need to be over-hauled.

And then we – the public – would have to cough up for the ‘opposition’ parties. That’s not even to mention the confusion this would create for the Alliance Party.

But, as a party with no MPs, it may have escaped the notice of the UUP that at Westminster – even with the new fangled Conservative and Lib Dem Government, opposition parties rarely, if at all change policy, law or practice of governments. They do get soundbites on the news headlines, but we wonder if that will be sufficient comfort at passing on ministerial and committee chair salaries.

And that’s not to mention the changes to election boundaries – a tricky issue, which can lead to accusations on all parts of gerrymandering; and look where that has landed us!

Excuse me, but it is our money!

NOW we may be ignorant as to the mystical and mythical ways that bean counters, treasury officials, auditors, management consultants, actuary managers and others with spreadsheets work, but even they must despair at the labyrinth that passes for budget discussions in Northern Ireland.

C’mon politicians it is the budget for all of Northern Ireland, for all of Northern Ireland’s population, for every man, woman and child, for each and every one of our services.
It is not your budget, apart from the fact that you too – hopefully – pay taxes on your earnings.

So while you are bickering, wrangling, fighting and waffling here’s a brief guide to understanding the budget…

First we pay taxes. The taxes go across the water to people in England. Those people agree how much of that tax money can come back to Northern Ireland.

Then you, as responsible, mature, thoughtful politicians agree how to those taxes can be used to provide services to we, the public.

Okay that last sentence may have contained a fib or two – like the adjectives ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, and ‘thoughtful’ when applied to the mass of MLAs. We are, of course, not suggesting that there are not some who are responsible, thoughtful or mature, but then again….

When it comes to putting a semblance of decision-making behind the whole budget business (and we’re not even going to mention the regional rate!) one would have expected at least our Executive, our committee members and other assorted MLAs to have some common purpose.

Then again, we are generally hopeful that Utopia will eventually be created somewhere outside Belfast (given our luck it will be somewhere in north Down…) and all will be well with the world.

Instead, we have the Finance Committee telling, in effect, their party colleagues, that the budget was delivered too late, and that some departments weren’t engaging with scrutiny committees.

So, it is a mess, the Executive will do what it wants, and in many cases civil servants will have prepared all the programmes for ticking off by their political masters (who, we hope have given appropriate political direction).

And with an election coming down the track all too rapidly, we can at least expect everyone to disagree with everyone else. As they do that, we hope that they remember that it is all our money they are talking about, and it is us who will be queuing at the ballot box.

Dear Columnist

I note with alarm that Minister for Justice, Mr David Ford MLA, is suggesting that solicitors be allowed to appear in the High Court or the Court of Appeal.

As a practicing barrister, I believe that while this may coincide with some superannuated civil service review, it breaches my inalienable, long established right to cream off as much legal aid as one humanly can within one’s lifetime.

I am sure that Mr Ford is working to ensure that criminals, sorry I meant clients, will be able to access a range of legal services. For goodness sake, how can a solicitor, who can earn money ‘conveyancing’ as well as doing ‘proper’ legal work hope to provide a better and more robust case than us who need to recoup the cost of a silly cape and wig.

We barristers have very little steady income to rely on, and if Mr Ford has his way there will be even less for the high court to contend with in the event of reduced criminality and better community justice. If it keeps going this way, then I shall have to sell the second holiday home and renege on my membership of the yacht club and reduce my golfing to just three times a week.

Yours,

Ex-millionaire Barrister

PS – I know that the Government in London has said there will be no more ‘Saville-type’ inquiries, but can we please, please have at least one big one to keep the pension pot alive?

Hey Jedward

WELL it’s the time of the year when all eyes focus on the key poll, when we are preoccupied with the thought of who will gain most votes, when we sit up late glued to the box to see who has won – yep it’s Eurovision time.

Jedward may have once claimed to be Under Pressure on X-Factor as they covered/massacred [delete according to whether you have no taste or prefer actual music] the Queen and David Bowie song, but now the real pressure mounts.

Will they be Ireland’s 21st Century Johnny Logan (for younger readers he was the last ‘proper’ Eurovision winner) or just a turkey novelty act.

We have high hopes for the bequiffed twins. They already have come close to winning X-Factor, have secured advertising deals and are about to get a 75-date European tour underway.

Should they succeed in winning Eurovision we reckon that Jedward should lead the new Government of the Republic of Ireland.

After all, with Northern Ireland politics only occasionally rising above the level of laughing stock, having a near neighbour who has a joke Government should put everything into perspective.

And Jedward, despite their lack of musical ability or talent, would at least bring out the popular vote – alas it would be votes from people who are either too young to vote, or people so stupid they shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Departments are getting all connected

THE wonders of technology are being pushed forth as the Norn Iron executive is embracing the world of social media. Not only are they ‘tweeting’ links to their news releases, but the Executive ad several of its departments have launched their own Youtube channels.

Some of the videos are looking quite well, and we await the Assembly questions about cost, but we have other concerns.

A cynic might say that the use of social media to directly connect with the citizenry is a conspiracy to cut out media interpretation. Having scanned the newspapers on a regular basis, the press releases are usually put in the papers with few attempts at critical analysis. Journalists have obviously better things to do…

But we believe that the Executive should take the next step. On each press release on their website there should be the ability to comment on said press release. That way the citizenry can comment on exactly what they think of the releases contents – or with their views on the Executive in general.

We suspect that this may be a step too far in engaging, transparently with the populace. To do so may mean that there will have to be a Ministerial Sub-Committee on the issue.

In the meantime congratulations to the NI Executive’s Twitterers for having the Executive’s Twitter feed reaching almost 700 followers. It’s just surprising how many of their followers are journalists and politicians – do they not get the press releases already?

Woe is Tory me!

IT’S unfair. Seriously they used to be mates, but now it has all gone to hell in a handbasket: that is the Tory UUP link that was people!

Secretary of State Owen Paterson declared that Martin McGuiness being elected as First Minister would be an endorsement of political progress, and the local Conservatives are opening their own campaign office with the blessing of the Tory leadership.

Tom Elliott is genuinely a decent sort of bloke – or so we are told – but c’mon no-one deserves to be kicked when they are down. Party members leaving, Tories now seemingly running away, general comments about the death of the UUP, we can only see one hope: a petition to the courts by the UUP seeking to declare every other political party illegal.

Scanning down through history’s pages isn’t that what they used to do? Or are we being too literal about the ‘old Stormont’?

Oh no not more Nolan!

CONGRATULATIONS to the ever ebullient Mr Stephen Nolan. With the latest RAJAR (radio listening statistics) published his Radio Ulster phone-in is once more confirmed as the “Biggest Show In The Country”.

No doubt there are many who find the BBC broadcaster annoying. No doubt there are public servants who feel he unfairly lambasts those hard at work.

We often raise a silent toast to Mr Nolan as he lays into politicians; or through his baiting makes them seem even more preposterous than they are usually.

But now he has once again secured the ratings to justify his claims, we are in silent despair, having switched the radio off. No longer will we be able to justify a mug of hot chocolate at 9am lasting to 10.30 as we titter at the titillations and political trivia booming from our radio.

For between now and May each and every prospective Assembly candidate from each and every party will be sitting with the Nolan Show’s number on speed dial – ready to pop off a missive or demand an appearance to show how they are right and every other party is wrong.

We may be forced to retreat to the safer environs of Wendy Austin’s afternoon phone-in; that is until she starts having party leaders on her show.

In case you’ve forgotten…

JUST in case you have forgotten, the education post-primary school transfer debacle has yet to be resolved.

As thousands of pupils ponder their results, and others wonder whether they should have done the test, or are relived that they have not had to go through it, a resolution to the transfer conundrum has not been reached.

We still have an Education Minister entrenched in her position. Caitriona Ruane issued a press release on Thursday, which on the one hand offered her best wishes to pupils who went through the tests and on the other hand said children should be able to choose their school without “any process of selection/rejection”.

On the other side, we have the equally entrenched positions of the unionists, who are of the school of thought, much like Ms Ruane that they shall not be moved.

Which, of course, leaves the children stuck in the middle…

As if this wasn’t enough, trade unions waded into the education debate this week, but not about transfer tests. Instead the issue was the teacher redundancies. There were charges about scaremongering and debate on the air, and then who should row into the phone-in debate?

Of course, it was Sinn Féin’s John O’Dowd and from the DUP’s Mervyn Storey.
Was that absolutely predictable or are we becoming increasingly cynical that everything to do with education will see a Punch and Judy knockabout verging on the ridiculous.

It is perhaps an idiotic dream, but come May, when election fever and general stupidity dies down there will be calm, sober reflection. Maybe all the political parties will sit down and come to some consensus on transfer tests, the Education Skills Authority, the funding crisis, segregated education and the crumbling school estate – but then we wake up and realise that it will be the same entrenched sides…

Oh for goodness sake just go!

PARLIAMENTARIANS must have wished that Gerry Adams would just go, leave the tag of elected representative for the West Belfast Westminster seat behind (in practice, the SF President wasn’t an MP as he never took his seat in Parliament).

Instead the world (well those darned political anoraks...) marvelled at the 17th Century history of the Chiltern Hundreds, it’s use during the mass unionist Anglo-Irish agreement huff in the 80s, and how it was an ‘office of the crown’.

The whole giggle of Gerry packing it in but having difficulty getting his P45 for potentially handing into the Dail must have passed by those half aware MPs.

Some like to refer to Westminster as the Mother of Parliaments. This anachronistic chaos proved that in this case, the Mother was not wedded to the Father of Parliaments as it raised a bastard set of rules not fit for its 21st Century inheritors.

C’Mon, why not just everyone don cloaks and wigs, smoke corn pipes and murmur knowingly about cotton prices. That would make at least some sense.

Welcome to the crazy world of Norn Iron politics

IT has occurred to us that some readers are not the political anoraks that we fiercely deny we are...and that a beginner’s guide to Norn Iron politics might be useful.

On reflection even a beginner’s guide would fill more pages than we can really be bothered writing, what with all the excitement (not!) over the forthcoming raft of elections.

So we just decided to give those of you who have a life a wee glimpse at what the mighty law-dispensing body that is the Assembly has in store this week.

Well, there are a number of vitally important decisions that must, no really must be faced within the (teddy) bear pit - that is the fierce debates in the Northern Ireland Assembly chamber. Okay, they’re not that fierce, more like restrained distaste across the expanse of blue carpet.

After the statutory prayers today (Monday) there are such vital items for discussion as the Dogs (Amendment Bill) and the Second Stage of the Cyclists (Protective Headgear) Bill. Both worthy and necessary pieces of legislation; but if you were to look round the chamber you’d likely find a paltry show of MLAs.

There is also the wonderfully obtuse section of Assembly jargon with an item proposed that “this Assembly takes note of the Draft Budget announced on 15 December” by the venerable Finance Minister Sammy Wilson.

Take note – or randomly disagrees about everything that the DUP and Sinn Féin will agree on before deciding to pick on UU Health Minister Michael McGimpsey again.
On Tuesday things really hot-up with the Welfare Animals Bill, and the Consideration and Further Consideration, respectively of the Licensing and Registration of Clubs (Amendment) Bill and the Transport Bill.

But wait a minute! It’s easy to poke fun at our MLAs engaging in such debates; no honestly it’s really easy! But behind the veneer of idiocy there is some proper ‘work’ going on up at the Big House, such as the Safeguarding Bill to protect children and the Wildlife and Natural Environment Bill protecting what’s left of our eco-system.

So why do our MLAs, even when it is not election season, seem determined to obscure the solid pieces of legislation that they and their officials undertake with shows of obdurate daftness when a microphone is waved before them? No party is blameless, so we suspect that it is a conspiracy. We’re not normally conspiracy theorists, but this one has the stench of implausible plausibility.

If we the great unwashed were to ever suspect that they were actually doing something meaningful we would have to consider voting on ISSUES. Rather than engaging in the sectarian headcount that passes for polls we would have to discuss ISSUES. And if we were to do that even Alliance might get a shout at an Executive seat...oops they already got that because the Assembly’s internal sectarian headcount couldn’t agree who was to get the poisoned justice chalice.