Thon MP didnae cowp

THON MP from round about thon Ards bit didnaa cowp wi’afear in yon Big House when he did spake for the faesrt time...

Okay, that’s probably not Ulster-Scots grammatically correct...but the best we could come up with following a thorough search on Google (30 seconds of thorough searching) but grammar and syntax aside the Boord o Ulstér Scotch members must have had their wee eyes watering with pride when the new MP for Strangford, Jim Shannon, made his maiden speech in the House of Commons.

Having asked permission to use Ulster-Scots in the House, Jim took to the performance like the proverbial duck to water...or at least not one of the ducks Jim enjoys seeing at the end of his shotgun.

But we think that Jim is on to something...the average US or European visitor struggles to understand what passes for English here, let alone the vagaries of Ulster-Scots and Gaelic. If every tour group who lands on these shores had to be accompanied by an Ulster-Scots speaker and a Gaelic speaker there are two extra jobs per trip created.

However, the flaw is of course, the lack of need for either Ulster-Scots or Gaelic interpreters given that said tourists are not likely to encounter native speakers of either tongue. A much better plan is to employ someone fluent in Belfast-ese.

Tourist: Hi, where do you suggest we visit?

Native Belfast speaker: Ach Bout Ye love! Ya gotta wee bit of time on yer hands love? Well ya cud take a wee dander round to the City Hall. Big place, all sorta white like. Or ya cud catch a bus an see where the made yon Titanic boat; I’m sure ya’ve heard about it yer man Lawrence D’Capris sank it. Hope that helps ya. Aye nay bother, hanx!

Tourist: What did you just say?

Native Belfast speaker: Gizza tenner and I’ll show ya where to go...

Job creation and a bewildered American...just like bringing any given American President over to Norn Iron...

Council saga: Part 315

WE are delighted to announce that there has been a resolution to the ongoing debate about the reduction of Northern Ireland’s councils from the present level of 26 councils to a much more manageable 11.

Said resolution is that both sides have agreed that it is the other side’s fault.

A ministerial announcement is expected to the effect of “wasn’t me”; while a NI Local Government Association spokesperson is expected to agree with a statement reading: “I agree, it wasn’t me either”.

Hot air powers Assembly

OKAY it’s a cheap gag when the Assembly starts talking about renewable energy but the Assembly sometimes does something remarkable amidst the carbon dioxide emissions from the lungs of irate MLAs.

Those of you with lengthy memories may remember that former Environment Minister, Sammy Wilson, ‘banned’ the broadcast of an advertisement calling upon us mere mortals to ‘do our bit’ to reduce climate change.

The current Environment Minister, Edwin Poots – himself a self-confessed creationist when it comes to the 4.7billion year old planet Earth – says Northern Ireland must do more to reduce its carbon footprint.

So, to take things forward the Minister has, in that unique government way, set-up a working group…

Could it be that he is acknowledging what his predecessor Sammy Wilson denied: that the actions of people can impact on our climate.

So 'our wee country' will, according to the DUP Minister, have to go green!

Careful with your care

NORTHERN Ireland has long had a health and social care system envied by many in the rest of the UK and the Republic.

Hospital care integrated with personal social services and care in the community; and hospitals dotted throughout the country.

But even before the economic downturn there were ‘rationalisations’ such as the merger of the Fermanagh and Tyrone hospitals’ acute care services.

Now it seems we’re all going to have to get real about what we can expect. The A&E departments of Mid-Ulster and Whiteabbey Hospitals are to be axed and it is likely that one of Belfast’s major hospitals – the Mater – is to be downgraded.

At the same time, the Minister for Health has managed to find a potential wee corner of the Royal Victoria Hospital site for a new maternity unit. By 2013, mothers may be able to deliver babies at the top of the new Critical Care building, rather than amidst the crumbling edifice that is the Jubilee Maternity Hospital…but the full development of a Woman and Children’s facility ain’t happening anytime soon.

One has to suppose that as the bigger spender of all government monies, health would take a hit, but come on people, it’s your fault!

You are too fat, smoke and drink too much and let’s not even mention your fast food eating habits.

If you were to get healthy we would not need all these damned expensive acute services…but hold on a moment! That means you’d live longer, and eat up a disproportionate amount of health and social care spending with hip replacements and nice wee comfy chairs in the nursing home.

But, scanning around the members of our legislative assembly we should be gratified that they seem determined not to be a burden on the health care system in later years: bulging bellies, swollen jowls are the order of the day amongst several members. Other members get themselves so worked up about the health budget that one fears that soon Assembly staff will need to have CPR skills to hand in case a red faced rant turns into a coronary.

Such rants do all seem to be brought on by cuts in health services…sorry we said cuts when we meant efficiency savings. Euphemisms are us!

As bad as the 1970s

IT will be as bad as the 1970s says Finance Minister Sammy Wilson…and no, he isn’t referring to either dodgy fashion sense or the dark days of the Troubles! Instead it’s more a case of the cuts that are on the way.

Government departments, next step agencies, soft target quangos and even MLAs have all been identified by the former chief ‘A’ level economics examiner as being potentially in line for cuts.

Oh, and we’re all going to be taxed on H2O usage…water charges are on their way.
But we detect a double game at work here.

Sammy and his Executive chums are walking around talking up the prospect of a slashed budget and subsequent cuts. There is an inevitability about the whole thing in their rhetoric.
But, come next March/April – when an Assembly poll is around the corner – suddenly it won’t be as bad as everyone thought. Are we being cynical?

Of course there will be a few token scalps; maybe a quango here and a hospital there will face the axe; there will be a series of reviews (some more work for those hard-pressed management consultants…) and maybe a ‘big’ decision to make the grey suits seem like dynamic men and women.

Hey, we may see some action to reduce the number of departments from 12 to 11 – the figure it was at before the devolution of justice. Rending asunder the Department of Employment and Learning with the spoils divided between Education and Enterprise the result.

The DUP and Shinners may force through a reduction in MLAs from 6 to 5 per constituency; conveniently getting rid of some of those troublesome representatives from the smaller parties.
Leaving aside the political machinations, pre-election big changes such as this take a long time before savings emerge…and MLAs aren’t going to vote themselves out of post!

So where are the soft targets that Sammy and co can cut to make immediate savings? Answers on a postcard c/o Department of Finance…

Gizza job!

THE remarkable work of Alan Bleasdale created a catchphrase for the 80s with the Yosser Hughes cry of “Gizza Job!”

Now MLAs are always keen on jobs. They think they’re an excellent idea and even try to make work.

This week’s opportunity to make work is with the Assembly’s debate on the Gaza/Israeli crisis.

All MLAs agree – as do most rational people – that there needs to be a resolution before there is any further loss of life towards those trying to bring aid.

But let’s be honest, how much do our MLAs know about the complexities of the Middle East? Generations of diplomats, world leaders and every humanitarian of every shade have tried to solve this. What effect, therefore will this have in the Middle East?

Err, nothing.

What’s more, we have a sovereign Parliament at Westminster to deal with foreign policy. And for those that don’t subscribe to it, there’s another in Dublin.

So far this is the fifth emergency sitting of the Assembly in 10 years.

One on flowers (Easter lilies) at Parliament Buildings, one on the exclusion of Sinn Féin, one on 9/11 and one on public expenditure.

And they wonder why people can’t understand that they actually do real work up on the Hill.
Everyone hopes and prays for a resolution to the current crisis in the Middle East and peaceful resolution in the long term for the residents of Gaza and their Israeli neighbours. But our MLAs will not make a button of difference.

Money, money, money

THE grim reaper of economics is preparing to swing his scythe throughout the public sector. Libraries, A&E departments, capital projects, school buildings, and a whole lot more are being axed, or being put on the (very) long finger.

There seems to be a uniquely Northern Ireland approach to this whole financial mess. Like it or not, cuts will be made.

First off, we need to see if there is a sectarian element. If we can’t find one, then (a) one needs to be identified or (b) a common enemy needs to be found or (c) if all else fails, attacks are to be directed towards any given Minister of any party.

If options (a), (b), or (c) are not available then the default option is for those opposed to cuts to whinge and those who have to make the cuts to hunt the thesaurus for euphemisms.

The fact that NI plc has already signed up to hundreds of millions of efficiency savings (euphemism for cuts), bluntly means that the extra cuts will come as a shock to an already worried public sector workforce.

“No compulsory redundancies” – translated to mean we’ll not force you out just yet; also a synonym for ‘when someone leaves we’re not filling the post.’

“New services will have to be delayed for a time” – translated to mean ‘you are dreaming if you think we’re doing it this side of never.’

“We will be reviewing its function” – translated to mean ‘we’re closing it as soon as we think we can get away with it.’

“The cuts seem not be as bad as feared” – translated to mean ‘they’re actually a lot worse than feared!’

A trim here and a cut here won’t always be noticed by the story hungry media, but the danger in this ‘salami slice’ approach is that it stores up a well of discontent against the Assembly and it’s Executive. It leads to MLAs being perceived as weak-willed individuals hiding in sectarian bunkers, unable to take decisive action…or is that the perception most people have already?

26 divided by 11 with the square root of another 2 weeks

MATHEMATICS can be such fun…especially in local government. Emptying the leisure centres, burying the bins and opening the dead…or something like that…

The 26 local councils have been performing a sterling service for so many years; doing the work that central Government cannot or will not.

But, let’s be honest 26 is a heck of a lot of councils and a heck of a lot of councillors.

So, many moons ago, when rivers ran deeper and mountains rose higher, there arrived a brain wave to reduce the bureaucracy, cut down the (number of) councillors, and centralise the two dozen plus human resource, IT and other ‘back office’ functions.

The much heralded Review of Public Administration raised the flag of efficiency, and lo it came to pass that proposals were made to…hang on a minute…that really was years ago: several years ago!

In that time the decision makers, the movers and shakers have not made a real decision, have barely moved a bit and have implemented no shake-up.

It is too easy to say that this is a damning indictment of the political classes, so we will say it: it is a damning indictment of the political classes that they cannot come to a decision.

Which, of course, leads to the conclusion that politicians in Northern Ireland cannot make a decision: no great surprise there! However, it is quite remarkable that in this tough financial climate (© David Cameron) no-one has had the vision and the foresight to make up their minds!

Edwin Poots – he that holds the Environment portfolio - has said that on Thursday week there will be a reckoning. We reckon that the blame will be passed round like the proverbial hot potato as councils cry foul, Sinn Féin and the DUP argue about boundaries and DoE officials will be saying that somebody will have to pay…

Created: a controversy

ANNOYED the BBC? Check! Annoyed the Republicans? Check! Annoyed the scientists? Check!

This week was mission achieved for Nelson McCausland – our esteemed and thoughtful Minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure. He succeeded in annoying almost everybody outside the DUP (apart from a few mission halls where politics is never discussed but who think that it all went downhill for religion when Galileo first peaked through a telescope.)

To be fair to Nelson – and that is a phrase not always heard in any reasonable conversation - he made two good points. The first: The Orange Order; like it or loathe it, the Order and other ‘fraternal’ organisations played a role for better or worse in Northern Ireland’s history. The second point he made over Ulster-Scots part in history is also well made as the Plantation did indeed happen.

However, ‘alternative views of the origin of the universe’ comes under the Nelson and his DUP mates (plus a few wide eyed and staring types) are of the opinion that 99% of archaeologists, 99% of biologists, 99% of physicists, 99% of cosmologists, 99% of palaeontologists and 99% of all reputable scientists of other disciplines who have studied long and hard, published peer-reviewed papers and conducted painstaking experiments and postulated complex matters that require years of study are wrong.

Einstein was wrong according to Nelson and co, Darwin was wrong, and so on and so on. The role of science is outwith the remit of any Minister, and while he may have a view he has a duty; that duty is not to refute scientific evidence.

But then again Nelson is only doing what every Northern Ireland politician has done in recent years – ignore the facts and press on, preferably to the sound of a marching band.

Fawlty Towers

OH dear Basil…the UUP is beginning to resemble the infamous hotel presided over by Basil Fawlty. Instead we have Basil McCrea being told off not by an exasperated wife, but by a party supremo in the shape of David Campbell.

The row over whether Sir Reg should wait to go or slip off the leadership mantle immediately is symptomatic of the position in which the party currently finds itself. It is too busy warring with itself to wage war with its political opponents!