It fair gladdens the heart

WHETHER you are an unreconstructed Tory or an unreconstructed anarchist, the protests over increased student fees must gladden the heart.

As a Tory, you get to claim that the violent forces of malcontents, anarchists and bad ‘uns have run rampant, with only a thin blue line averting the breakdown of society. As an anarchist, you get to claim that the people are on the streets, brutalised by the police, and that only violent protest stopped the Poll Tax.

Meanwhile those of us who benefitted from halcyon days when fees were paid and grants offered to most must be a little confused. After all free higher education was a good thing in our day, we know someone needs to pay for it, but exactly who should and how much?

In addition, such confusion has been evident in the Northern Ireland Executive. It is apparent that NI plc would be delighted to be able to claim that it could subsidise higher education so that fees could be minimised, if not eliminated, but that ain’t going to happen; and if it does Sammy will be doing a lot of explaining to HM Treasury!

Instead, we have a complex financial conundrum being played out in simplistic terms on TV and radio.

Nevertheless, we must commend the inspiration of modern history students. Surely it must have been they who were behind the protest in Belfast. Sit down blocking a road...that would be the history of Ardoyne protests course. Causing traffic chaos at rush hour...that would be how a provo held up rush hour traffic with a bag of 10ps and a code word to claim devices were ‘planted’ throughout the city.

Alternatively it could have been a combination of art and drama students who made Belfast city centre into an extravagant avant garde performance art piece with the tableau captured for posterity by the hovering PSNI helicopter.

It certainly wasn’t the earth and environmental science students – all the pollutants pouring out of idling vehicle engines simply horrified the tree huggers. Whichever student group orchestrated the protest in Belfast should not be shunned by Minister of (un)Employment and Learning, Danny Kennedy.

Mr Kennedy should forthwith seek out the protest organisers, wrench them from the dead hand of law and order, bring them into a darkened room – and get them to explain how people from such a diverse range of backgrounds can organise themselves.

If they can manage to bring Belfast to a standstill with a few Facebook posts and text messages, solving the budget problem would be a doddle. Failing that, the English Literature students could at least help him cobble together a press release.

Taxes are so ‘unattractive’

THIS week it has emerged that former chief ‘A’ level examiner and current Minister for Finance and Personnel, Sammy Wilson finds tax cuts ‘unattractive’ – well one in particular.

There has been much lobbying for a reduction in Corporation Tax to align ourselves with our Southern cousins. Now it has emerged that if we do it HM Treasury want some money back. You just cannot win!

If the Corporation Tax was reduced then it is imagined that a tide of FDI (that means Foreign Direct Investors to those who are not privileged to stalk the multi-storey Invest NI Bedford Street mega office) will sweep into Northern Ireland. It is also imagined that if the NI Executive can just capture that leprechaun and his pot of gold then all will be well for the Budget.

Let’s face it – the idea that lowering Corporation Tax is a panacea is fanciful if not ridiculous at best. Along with – if we slash the public sector then everything will work out despite the fact that our economy is dependent on the sector.

So what have Gerry and Robin ever done to the SDLP?

YOU could ask what have the Junior Ministers, Gerry Kelly and Robin Newton ever done to the SDLP, who announced in their budget proposals that the Junior Minister posts should be scrapped in these tight financial times.

Of course, you could argue that there is only a slight chance that the SDLP will occupy these posts so it is easy to call for them to be scrapped… but that is only the sort of comment the most cynical of us would make…

And, if we are to be accused of cynicism let’s be a wee bit cynical about the party’s call to tax holes in the wall. No, not the Hole in the Wall gang, but ATMs; those ubiquitous Automated Telling Machines; or cash machines as known colloquially.

To stretch the analogy a wee bit, let us suppose that those in the lowest socio-demographic quartile (see we can do smart talk too, like!) have not got access to fancy, dancy credit cards and debit cards. Instead they have their post office card and a wee card savings account. Then the logic is that the tax will impact those with the least; making it a regressive tax.

You may recall from GCSE Economics – or for older readers ‘O’ level economics – that regressive taxes are generally those that affect the poorest. And as you may recall from GCSE/O level politics, social democratic parties – even those with centrist leanings are pretty much against hitting the poorest hardest.

On a brighter note, under the SDLP’s proposals, any public servants earning over £80,000 per annum will have their pay cut by five per cent…

Tories confused by coalition confusion

IT used to be the old Conservative and Unionist party. But to be a Tory in this part of the union can be a little confusing.

Rewind a couple of years and the UUP/Tory project was seen to be building a wee bit of steam ahead of the European election. Then came the general election debacle.

Then came the recriminations, and then came the discussion over Assembly candidates and just who is standing for whom?

With the UUP shedding and suspending members, and the Tories here suddenly finding themselves seemingly cut adrift from a Conservative HQ that sometimes misses the nuanced paranoia of Northern Ireland politics.

The local Conservative Party chairman, Irwin Armstrong has resigned – no doubt in exasperation.

We recommend that every time David Cameron doubts the wisdom of coalition with the Liberal Democrats he can cast a wistful eye across to Norn Iron and sigh gladly that even the students are easier to handle than the Norn Iron political classes.

Grit your teeth

THERE is a seemingly stupid level of bureaucratic insanity that abounds in Norn Iron; at times it reaches levels of Kafkaesque surrealism.

Now that temperatures have reached heady heights of single figures in what can be described as a thaw the issue of gritting footpaths will fade from radio talkshows for now.

But let’s recap. The snow and ice left a wake of icy roads and footpaths. The Roads Service gritted as much as possible in damned cold weather. They said simply they could not afford to grit the footpaths. Some councils decided they could, others said they couldn’t.

For several days footpaths across Norn Iron were dangerous to those venturing out.
There was much disagreement over who would be liable over claims and a lot of confusing comments from local council spokespeople and Department of Regional Development.

As they were waffling on the airwaves and penning comment pieces in newspapers a simple fact existed – most footpaths were still treacherous to pedestrians, with no doubt the resultant increase in trips to A&E with fractures.

Over 12 days many footpaths were left ungritted. We restate that because there is obviously some form of sheer lunacy that renders grown ups incapable of picking up the phone, arranging a quick meeting.

And the agenda of that meeting should be very simple and clear – let’s agree a way to get the gritting done.

These grown ups prefer to look for an imagined claim for injuries that may or may not happen as a way of avoiding making a collective decision.

The only joined up government is the joint repairs of a pensioner waiting in a hospital ward for an operation after toppling on an icy pavement.

A sporting chance

HEAD of Sports NI Eamonn McCartan made a comment or two about why no 2012 Olympic teams have as yet booked their training camp in Norn Iron – citing the poor image of shootings and bombings.

This provoked more than a little ire from Ministers, who rushed to defend Norn Iron from such comments.

But we wanted to contribute to the push to get teams booking their flights to Belfast ahead of London 2012.

First off Afghanistan – the Royal Irish Regiment currently on duty could encourage the Afghan national shooting team to lay off attacks and come practice on our streets instead.

Next – we undertook extensive research (two minutes on Wikipedia) to check on the country with the highest murder rates. El Salvador claimed that dubious prize, so we could suggest their team comes to Norn Iron for some relative tranquility.

Then there is, of course, Russia. After them sparing us the gloating of English sports journalists for the next eight years by taking the World Cup away, we should offer them free facilities as well as plentiful supplies Buckfast and Poteen in exchange for some of their fine vodka. After all last week saw the first ever shipment of potatoes from here to Russia, and as they say one good turn deserves another...

I want to break free

HARRY ‘Mercury’ Hamilton has said goodbye to the Ulster Unionist party. Despite being the party’s Westminster candidate and grabbing 10,000+ votes the Upper Bann association chose not to offer him the Assembly poll ticket.

The renowned Freddie Mercury tribute singer this week announced he had resigned from the party, no doubt singing to himself:
“I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You’re so self-satisfied I don't need you
I’ve got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free...”

In response Party Leader Tom Elliott was heard to murmur: “Easy come, easy go...” and rhyming off Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics.

In Mr Hamilton’s public announcement of his resignation he said that would not reject a call from the Alliance Party, but as “Hanging on the Telephone” is a Blondie song he didn’t know the lyrics...

Sinn Féin’s poll rises

NOT only have Sinn Féin got another TD, but it appears that their poll ratings in the south of Ireland are rising.

We have thought long and hard over this – well three minutes, but we were waiting on the tea lady to deliver some char. And we’ve got it all figured out. And it goes like this.

Sometime ago a secret deal was struck. A cabal of senior politicos in Dublin agreed that they’d transfer Caitriona Ruane ‘up north’. In return we would transfer Gerry Adams to Louth. They accepted the difficulties attached to having the Sinn Féin leader in their patch, but it was a small price to pay for watching all the giggles and fun as Minister Ruane teased those ghastly grammar schools.

All we ask you to note is that with the onslaught on grammar school education, Ulster rugby has been eclipsed by its southern counterparts. Surely no coincidence!

Why we need wikileaks in Northern Ireland...

THERE is a culture in Northern Ireland that is both oppressively secretive and obsessively built on gossip.

Spend five minutes at any given political party’s annual conference and it all begins to resemble a Monty Python ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink’ sketch...

Not that we are implying that there is a tendency for badly dressed men to wander around conferences seeking sexual favours from glamorous wives of stout Ulsterfolk (and if you’ve ever been to any of the party conferences you’ll see that glamorous wives and stout Ulsterfolk are very much in the minority!)

Instead we are merely pointing out that politics – especially in Northern Ireland – is a trade shrouded in the hints and half-truths that can disembowel (figuratively of course) political opponents, and even those within one’s own party.

What we need is a wide-ranging exposé of the secret communiqués between political allies and foes alike. Except that is that too few of them actually have anything genuinely interesting to say.

Seriously when was the last time when a politician in Norn Iron said something truly new and exciting (okay, we won’t mention the Robinsons if you won’t!).

Look or listen to any given debate, news appearance, radio call show, phone-in debate and you will not be able to say with your hand on your heart that you could not predict the robotic diatribe that is about to come out of their mouths.

Therefore, for those that are genuinely interesting – of which given the laws of probability there must be two or three – we need a wikileaks exposé of what their inner most secrets are. Heck, we’d even settle for a few of the MLAs slagging each off in colourful language!

Relax – it’s only tax after all

THERE’S been much talk about taxes this week that is just about to pass into last week. Much talk has been over the tax implications of the bail-out of the Republic of Ireland and the tax and cut budget.

Equally, Norn Iron has had tax on its political mind. First Minister Peter Robinson has said that he eagerly awaits the HM Treasury paper on rebalancing the local economy as he urged a reduction in corporation tax “up here”.

Before the mirth, here are the facts, as we selectively choose them much in the way that a management consultant may, or may not select such facts to suit their client’s needs.

First off, the rate of corporation tax in the UK (which, despite protestations from some, Norn Iron is currently part of) is set at 28%. Second, the rate of corporation tax in the Republic of Ireland is 12.5%. Thirdly, large companies, and even small ones employ accountants. Figure the relationship out for yourself.

The next fact is that Foreign Direct Investment – that Golden Goose Government so eagerly prostrates itself before – is dependent on more than the tax regime. After all it is also down to what Invest Norn Iron can con, sorry can do, to convince investors to make their way to our fair shores, laden with promises of jobs and hands out for handouts.

So why all the fuss about Corporation Tax? Said allegedly high UK rate has not as yet deterred the financial world building modern towers of Babel in London. If you were to believe bankers, it is only the threat of curbing bonuses that may threaten London’s pre-eminence in financial shenanigans.

We think there is a wee sneaky voice in most politicians advocating lower corporation tax in Norn Iron that occasionally whispers in the darkened night, when conscience creeps towards realisation that the wee voice is uttering just two words: “gesture politics”.