Chow down folks while you still can

STORMONT has a real problem. There are no Chinese restaurants, chip shops or decent pizza parlours on the premises. For MLAs this makes ordering in some chow when you’re peckish.

This means that reluctantly MLAs must take their weary and care-worn bodies along to the restaurant, where well-cooked, well-prepared meals can be obtained at very reasonable prices: very reasonable subsidised prices.

Who pays this subsidy that enables MLAs, their guests and random visitors to eat cheap food? Well that would be us.

Taxpayers. Stormont is run with money that we cough up.

All of which means that one would have thought that a proposal to end the £500k subsidy would have received a ringing endorsement. But, then again it was Peter Robinson who proposed it.

Even though he claimed he was not speaking as First Minister, it is hardly the case that the other parties would just nod their heads and say yes.

Instead there was a pointless debate in the Assembly chamber and even more pointless debates on the air. The BBC even, helpfully, published what grub MLAs and other Assembly workers could order and how much it costs.

We must confess that, as well as whetting the taste buds, the large soup of the day (96p) the lasagne, garlic bread and spinach (£2.50) and mint chocolate cheesecake (90p) sounds rather tasty in price for a three course meal.

We, however, having salivated over the offerings and prices, have come up with a solution.

First ordinary workers (not party officers or MLAs) should still receive subsidised meals; after all they have to put up with the MLAs. Those subsidised meals will not be subsidised by taxpayers. They should instead be subsidised by MLAs. A ‘Lunch Club Savings Account’ should be created, which each of the 108 MLAs shall contribute a tenner per week (ministers and committee chairs should pay an even fifty per week). This will help keep costs down for porters, ushers, cleaners, security and administrative staff.

Having coughed that up, MLAs will be entitled to eat in the canteen, but pay full price for each meal. If they feel that they cannot then they can bring in a packed lunch.

Unfortunately many appear not to know how to butter bread, place a tasty morsel of meat in between a couple of rounds and put in a lunchbox along with a scrummy snack and something fizzy to wash it all down with.

That would seem a little too much like hard work for our pampered, cosseted and election feverish political representatives.

But at least it would appear that they have something useful in their brief cases.

While we’re at it perhaps MLAs should also pay car parking fees rather than enjoy the perk of a free space; and each and every MLA should be fined when they propose a meaningless and pointless debate in the chamber.

Hey, join in – together we can penalise the MLAs, and come together to solve all the economic woes of our ‘wee country’.

Should I stay or should I go?

AS The Clash sang: “if I leave there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double”… Such may have been the thoughts of Paula Bradshaw as she took the plunge to move from the Ulster Unionist Party to the Alliance Party.

Ms Bradshaw stood as a Westminster candidate on the UUP/Tory ticket, and while she scored credibly did not make a major impact. And, to add insult to electoral injury she was not selected as a candidate by the Ulster Unionists for the forthcoming Assembly election.

Now she claims that the Alliance Party is the party that is really working towards a ‘Shared Future’.

This, at least, will make for fun conversations over the breakfast cereal with partner, former Alliance member, and current Tory Ian Parsley…

Musical Chairs

AS we approach the Assembly elections, the candidacy for each party has become something of a mini-plot before the election kicks fully into gear with all the back-biting and outrageous statements that fill this and every other column from January.

At the very least we will see a new crop of MLAs with many standing aside, such as former SDLP and current Sinn Féin member Billy Leonard.

The Ulster Unionist party has seen several standing MLAs and potential new blood candidates pushed aside. Sitting MLAs George Savage and David McClarty are in jeopardy, new faces such as Harry Hamilton are likely not to appear on the UUP ticket. This leads some to question whether there party will ever seek to reduce the average age of its MLAs below 50+.

And, the SDLP has seen shifts in their Derry powerbase structure with wrangling over who will fill Mark Durkan’s shoes.

Helen Quigley has left ‘public life’ with the BBC claiming there was a disagreement over Mark Durkan’s replacement. Donegal native Pól Callaghan has taken Durkan’s spot in the Assembly until May, with Derry city councillor Mark H. Durkan saying he wants to win a seat rather than be co-opted.

Add into the equation the fact that the DUP has already inserted several new MLAs, who no doubt will be seeking election and there is a very real prospect that the 108 MLAs returned in May will have many new faces – will party officers be able to corral them all, or will there be fresh thinking? We’ll leave you to decide.

Chubby-sized flak jackets needed

IT is honourable – even desirable – for politicians who support military action [we’re talking about Afghanistan here – please feel free to add your political prejudice in this space] to visit the troops at the front.

So Lord Ken Maginnis and David Simpson MP were determined to be able jet out to see the Royal Irish Regiment in Helmend Province to offer support and a few words of wisdom.

But, alas the visit was postponed. The reason? Messers Maginnis and Simpson needed size 54 flak jackets, which the army didn’t have to hand. No one apparently thought that stitching two size 27 flak jackets together might have kept the portly politicians protected, nor did anyone think to mention to the two politicians that the bigger you are, the bigger a target you are.

But, it seems that the Army is scrabbling around to find the XL body armour for the pair to be able to visit the front line before the RIR’s tour of duty is completed.

Which, of course, will be a great relief for the men and women on duty; as they face the daily threat of ambushes, insurgent attacks, grenade and mortar fire, roadside IEDs and booby trapped buildings.

According to my script...

THERE are times when our esteemed political figures in the Northern Ireland Assembly bat around clichés and trot out party lines that it all becomes a wee bit embarrassing for even the most jaded political hack.

Perhaps they would benefit from the advice of Red Ed Milliband’s advisors who suggested that in Prime Minister’s Question Time there should be “cheer lines” for points made.

But then take a serious look around the Assembly chamber when in session: apart from the occasional rant-a-long around budgets there aren’t enough members on the benches to even raise a cheer, let alone a celebratory Mexican wave at having collected another week’s wages.

Milliband’s advisers could have had slightly red faces when their advice was leaked, but such is the chaos of PMQ’s that Ed managed to crack off enough attacks that the BBC led several news bulletins with his jibes on housing benefit.

The collective witticisms in the Assembly on the other hand this week were left to Sammy Wilson, who obviously remembers his days as a teacher in trying to calm down unruly classes.

And let’s face the unsavoury fact here, at the best of times our MLAs are glum looking lot; as the UUP fortunes have declined in recent years it seems that the rest of the parties have taken on the mantle of dour bunch of so-and-so’s. The future isn’t exactly bright, but as Monty Python advised us all, we can always look on the bright side of life.

Shuffling the deck chairs

IT is cruel to say it, but we’re going to say it anyway...Danny Kennedy has about six months to make his mark as a Minister.

Handed the sacred chalice of Minister for Employment and Learning by new party supremo Tom Elliott, he now must deal with the university funding crisis, lengthening dole queues of ex-public sector employees and burgeoning NEETS.

Now NEETs are an unfortunate term for those Not in Employment, Education or Training; which at around certain times of the day seems like half of Belfast and Derry.

So, with Danny a Minister and Tom now chairing the committee that keeps a beady eye on the First Minister and deputy First Minister it’s all change for the UUP.

But in a gesture towards erstwhile rivals, John McCallister has been given the deputy leader mantle, even though he was a fervent backer of Basil McCrea for the leadership of the party.

There is a slightly edgy feeling about the party – yes the leadership uncertainty is over, but with various selections and de-selections, can the new look leadership from the man from the west of the Bann (Tom Elliott) really take hold or is it shuffling the proverbial deckchairs as the ships slowly slides beneath the cold waves of political obscurity.

Half-term hi-jinks

TO listen to some radio reports one would have thought that Northern Ireland had once descended into a Latin American state of civil war.

Yes, cars and buses were burnt, and a bus driver suffered serious injuries, but Rathcoole and Cloughfern rioters were hardly on a scale that rivals Beirut or even Belfast in the 70s and 80s.

And it is half term and the teachers obviously didn’t set enough homework so the youngsters need something to fill their evenings with.

Step forward the brave men of the UVF; men who cite the balaclava as their favourite fashion item, to cajole their young charges to take assertive action.

One can only suspect that they have one or two main reasons for this: either to head off embarrassing PSNI enquiries that the Historical Enquiries Team thought were relevant; or to try and hide drug dealing.

Either way it was slightly amazing that the PSNI ended up being criticised.

First radio talk shows had a go, then amid accusations that the PSNI were heavy handed the DUP announced they were to meet senior officers.

We are slightly amazed – it is the sort of thing that Sinn Féin used to recite parrot like after every riot. Short summary: rioters take to the street; property destroyed; petrol bombs hurled, guns waved by masked cowards...the illogical conclusion is that it was all the police’s fault all along.

Now here’s the obvious solution. After each and every riot – sorry civil disturbance – a PSNI volunteer officer should take the blame and a suspension on full pay while an investigation is carried out to say that he or she should receive a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile thousands upon thousands of pounds are to be poured from the public purse to clean up the damage caused by the rioters with a ‘fair’ proportion of the cash going to the ‘community representatives’ who will make sure that there is restorative justice for those young people who break wind near a pensioner while ignoring said ‘justice’ when the young people are doing their riot work.

Such has it been in the past, so it shall be now. Verily we say to thee: Norn Iron’s a weird wee place.

And, by the way, while 200 people rioted 1,699,800 did not: that last statistic is just in case any foreign direct investors are reading (and if they are we have a few wee projects that could do with a cash boost!)

(Credit for photo - www.bbc.co.uk)

Electric politics

THE Ministers of Environment and Regional Development have come up with a cunning wheeze to stave off global warming and save thousands of pounds of motorist’s fuel bills with a bid to have electric car fuelling points (that is plugs!) across Northern Ireland.

We say yes to this innovative approach...errr well we sort of do! The Minister of the Environment is hardly known as a massive mate of the green movement, nor are his party colleagues such as the Finance Minister. And did the Minister for Regional Development sign up just because he saw the word “green” in the press release?

Whatever the reasoning, we do wonder whether they bothered to ask the brains in the country (those in our universities not doing media or politics degrees) whether this was really the best way forward, or whether hydrogen cell cars were more environmentally friendly?

But we suspect that the real solution to solving the carbon crisis is to find a way to tap the hot air generated by MLAs. Once that is achieved we can even sell-off said hot air and be a net exporter of hot air, as opposed to direct rule days when we were a net importer of hot air.

Tapping the collective carbon dioxide deposits generated by MLAs and culling the dozens of ministerial press release writers will probably save planet earth, by offsetting the entire CO2 production of China and India combined!

However, in the interests of being a ‘right on’, animal friendly, anti-cruelty column we urge that the culling of press officers is done in a humane manner, without the use of clubs or big sticks of any kind. And the journalists unable to cope without a daily fix from Government press releases should have state-sponsored counselling to help them cope!

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

IT’S true - the world as we know it has come to an end. We’re doomed.

There are howls of indignation from those proposing the Spending Review: howls of “it ain’t our fault that we have to sort out the mess”.

Those facing them across the Commons chamber are howling that it’s too much, too fast.

Meanwhile, in Northern Ireland, the parties of our own unique coalition are glum faced with creased foreheads.

Finance Minister, Sammy Wilson, has the look of a latter day money prophet with the words of “I told you so” all but coming out of his mouth.

Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness looked shocked and stunned and began blaming those dastardly Treasury types and slung verbal brickbats at Secretary of State Owen Paterson.

Mr Paterson in turn said he has done what he said he was going to do and Northern Ireland has done really rather well out of the Spending Review.

In the face of such head-turning range of views it is any wonder that listeners and viewers of the mainstream media and readers of newspapers may well be ruminating as to who exactly is right.

In the words of that stalwart of BBC Radio Ulster, Wendy Austin, we’re having to sort out a “snow storm of figures”.

The message is clear though. The days when Norn Iron could rely on a fine wee deal from Westminster are long gone. So, it’s time to knuckle down, sit tight, and plan out how we’re going to have to listen to whinging and whining ahead of next year’s elections: after all many politicians raisin d’étre is to get back into power, not necessarily to sort out the mess.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth

THERE has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth in the office of the Minister for Employment and Learning.

Sir Reg Empey is not angst ridden at the thought of DEL being merged out of existence. He is not rent with doubts over a UUP ministerial reshuffle. Nor is he gazing inward as he comes to terms with not being party leader.

No, Sir Reg is looking at a lost opportunity. For in the face of the budget cuts proposing that there will be thousands upon thousands of redundancies, the only aspect of public service that is set to rise is in the dole offices.

More dole staff to help sign on the redundant public sector workers; even a capital programme to expand dole offices…

So why then should Sir Reg be weeping and gnashing his teeth? Simple: come May some other MLA is going to grab hold of the expanding DEL remit. But hush, Sir Reg! They’ll be left with sorting out the university fees mess, so it’s not all bad!