According to my script...

THERE are times when our esteemed political figures in the Northern Ireland Assembly bat around clichés and trot out party lines that it all becomes a wee bit embarrassing for even the most jaded political hack.

Perhaps they would benefit from the advice of Red Ed Milliband’s advisors who suggested that in Prime Minister’s Question Time there should be “cheer lines” for points made.

But then take a serious look around the Assembly chamber when in session: apart from the occasional rant-a-long around budgets there aren’t enough members on the benches to even raise a cheer, let alone a celebratory Mexican wave at having collected another week’s wages.

Milliband’s advisers could have had slightly red faces when their advice was leaked, but such is the chaos of PMQ’s that Ed managed to crack off enough attacks that the BBC led several news bulletins with his jibes on housing benefit.

The collective witticisms in the Assembly on the other hand this week were left to Sammy Wilson, who obviously remembers his days as a teacher in trying to calm down unruly classes.

And let’s face the unsavoury fact here, at the best of times our MLAs are glum looking lot; as the UUP fortunes have declined in recent years it seems that the rest of the parties have taken on the mantle of dour bunch of so-and-so’s. The future isn’t exactly bright, but as Monty Python advised us all, we can always look on the bright side of life.

Shuffling the deck chairs

IT is cruel to say it, but we’re going to say it anyway...Danny Kennedy has about six months to make his mark as a Minister.

Handed the sacred chalice of Minister for Employment and Learning by new party supremo Tom Elliott, he now must deal with the university funding crisis, lengthening dole queues of ex-public sector employees and burgeoning NEETS.

Now NEETs are an unfortunate term for those Not in Employment, Education or Training; which at around certain times of the day seems like half of Belfast and Derry.

So, with Danny a Minister and Tom now chairing the committee that keeps a beady eye on the First Minister and deputy First Minister it’s all change for the UUP.

But in a gesture towards erstwhile rivals, John McCallister has been given the deputy leader mantle, even though he was a fervent backer of Basil McCrea for the leadership of the party.

There is a slightly edgy feeling about the party – yes the leadership uncertainty is over, but with various selections and de-selections, can the new look leadership from the man from the west of the Bann (Tom Elliott) really take hold or is it shuffling the proverbial deckchairs as the ships slowly slides beneath the cold waves of political obscurity.

Half-term hi-jinks

TO listen to some radio reports one would have thought that Northern Ireland had once descended into a Latin American state of civil war.

Yes, cars and buses were burnt, and a bus driver suffered serious injuries, but Rathcoole and Cloughfern rioters were hardly on a scale that rivals Beirut or even Belfast in the 70s and 80s.

And it is half term and the teachers obviously didn’t set enough homework so the youngsters need something to fill their evenings with.

Step forward the brave men of the UVF; men who cite the balaclava as their favourite fashion item, to cajole their young charges to take assertive action.

One can only suspect that they have one or two main reasons for this: either to head off embarrassing PSNI enquiries that the Historical Enquiries Team thought were relevant; or to try and hide drug dealing.

Either way it was slightly amazing that the PSNI ended up being criticised.

First radio talk shows had a go, then amid accusations that the PSNI were heavy handed the DUP announced they were to meet senior officers.

We are slightly amazed – it is the sort of thing that Sinn Féin used to recite parrot like after every riot. Short summary: rioters take to the street; property destroyed; petrol bombs hurled, guns waved by masked cowards...the illogical conclusion is that it was all the police’s fault all along.

Now here’s the obvious solution. After each and every riot – sorry civil disturbance – a PSNI volunteer officer should take the blame and a suspension on full pay while an investigation is carried out to say that he or she should receive a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile thousands upon thousands of pounds are to be poured from the public purse to clean up the damage caused by the rioters with a ‘fair’ proportion of the cash going to the ‘community representatives’ who will make sure that there is restorative justice for those young people who break wind near a pensioner while ignoring said ‘justice’ when the young people are doing their riot work.

Such has it been in the past, so it shall be now. Verily we say to thee: Norn Iron’s a weird wee place.

And, by the way, while 200 people rioted 1,699,800 did not: that last statistic is just in case any foreign direct investors are reading (and if they are we have a few wee projects that could do with a cash boost!)

(Credit for photo - www.bbc.co.uk)

Electric politics

THE Ministers of Environment and Regional Development have come up with a cunning wheeze to stave off global warming and save thousands of pounds of motorist’s fuel bills with a bid to have electric car fuelling points (that is plugs!) across Northern Ireland.

We say yes to this innovative approach...errr well we sort of do! The Minister of the Environment is hardly known as a massive mate of the green movement, nor are his party colleagues such as the Finance Minister. And did the Minister for Regional Development sign up just because he saw the word “green” in the press release?

Whatever the reasoning, we do wonder whether they bothered to ask the brains in the country (those in our universities not doing media or politics degrees) whether this was really the best way forward, or whether hydrogen cell cars were more environmentally friendly?

But we suspect that the real solution to solving the carbon crisis is to find a way to tap the hot air generated by MLAs. Once that is achieved we can even sell-off said hot air and be a net exporter of hot air, as opposed to direct rule days when we were a net importer of hot air.

Tapping the collective carbon dioxide deposits generated by MLAs and culling the dozens of ministerial press release writers will probably save planet earth, by offsetting the entire CO2 production of China and India combined!

However, in the interests of being a ‘right on’, animal friendly, anti-cruelty column we urge that the culling of press officers is done in a humane manner, without the use of clubs or big sticks of any kind. And the journalists unable to cope without a daily fix from Government press releases should have state-sponsored counselling to help them cope!

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

IT’S true - the world as we know it has come to an end. We’re doomed.

There are howls of indignation from those proposing the Spending Review: howls of “it ain’t our fault that we have to sort out the mess”.

Those facing them across the Commons chamber are howling that it’s too much, too fast.

Meanwhile, in Northern Ireland, the parties of our own unique coalition are glum faced with creased foreheads.

Finance Minister, Sammy Wilson, has the look of a latter day money prophet with the words of “I told you so” all but coming out of his mouth.

Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness looked shocked and stunned and began blaming those dastardly Treasury types and slung verbal brickbats at Secretary of State Owen Paterson.

Mr Paterson in turn said he has done what he said he was going to do and Northern Ireland has done really rather well out of the Spending Review.

In the face of such head-turning range of views it is any wonder that listeners and viewers of the mainstream media and readers of newspapers may well be ruminating as to who exactly is right.

In the words of that stalwart of BBC Radio Ulster, Wendy Austin, we’re having to sort out a “snow storm of figures”.

The message is clear though. The days when Norn Iron could rely on a fine wee deal from Westminster are long gone. So, it’s time to knuckle down, sit tight, and plan out how we’re going to have to listen to whinging and whining ahead of next year’s elections: after all many politicians raisin d’étre is to get back into power, not necessarily to sort out the mess.

Weeping and gnashing of teeth

THERE has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth in the office of the Minister for Employment and Learning.

Sir Reg Empey is not angst ridden at the thought of DEL being merged out of existence. He is not rent with doubts over a UUP ministerial reshuffle. Nor is he gazing inward as he comes to terms with not being party leader.

No, Sir Reg is looking at a lost opportunity. For in the face of the budget cuts proposing that there will be thousands upon thousands of redundancies, the only aspect of public service that is set to rise is in the dole offices.

More dole staff to help sign on the redundant public sector workers; even a capital programme to expand dole offices…

So why then should Sir Reg be weeping and gnashing his teeth? Simple: come May some other MLA is going to grab hold of the expanding DEL remit. But hush, Sir Reg! They’ll be left with sorting out the university fees mess, so it’s not all bad!

Integrate, integrate, integrate…

AS Tony Blair said, it is all about education, education, education. And as Peter Robinson said, it’s about a “benign form of apartheid”.

And as the Catholic Church said, we’re all about parental choice. And the media across the board rubbed their hands together.

For, with the vacuum of speculation ahead of the Spending Review, the media had a nice wee juicy story partly grounded in finances and partly grounded in party politics and with barely restrained hints and allegations of below-the-line sectarianism.

Let’s be honest, the administration of education in Northern Ireland is a mess. There are empty desks in some areas, and over-subscribed schools in others. There are several education and library boards for our wee population. There is a population time bomb with rising birth rates. There is a school estate that has parts of it crumbling. Oh, and we have at least four types of schooling.

So, what can our MLAs do about it?

In truth, apart from wittering on and calling in to every radio talk show, there is no sign of any MLA being able to do anything ahead of never.

To show how pointless this all may be one should cast your eyes over the history books.

In 1923, Education Minister Lord Londonderry proposed that religious education should not be part of the curriculum in the newly formed Northern Ireland, but optional after the school day. That way it would have been possible to have fully integrated education, and he thought ‘Twould be a fine thing to have a populace that learned together to seek higher knowledge and all that.

But he reckoned not on the combined forces of the Catholic Church and cassocked campaigners, the massed bible thumping Protestant preachers and the bowler-hatted Orange Order, plus the high and low church Anglicans.

Although he was unable to set an integrated education system in place, he did succeed in uniting almost the entire population behind one cause; preventing it. There are few that have been able to achieve such a unifying effect then or since.

Polling day fun

ON 5 May 2011, Northern Ireland will go to the polls – three polls to be precise!

We will get a chance to put our 1-2-3 beside the names of hopeful MLAs, our 1-2-3 beside names of hopeful councillors and a yes or no for the Alternative Voting system.

Of course, we’re now voting for 26 councils, as opposed to the 11 that there was meant to be under the Review of Public Administration here.

This started the Environment Minister, Edwin Poots thinking... You see each council nominated to a Transition Committee to ease the path to reducing the number of local government bodies.

There were 11 such committees, costing about £150,000 each.

By the stroke of a pen they have now been abolished, saving a healthy £1.65m. And, of course with no prospect of there being a reduction in council numbers over the next four or so years, there’s really no need for the committees anyway.

But, we hope that the Minister makes sure his officials keep all the work of the committees on file, so that in a couple of years time they won’t need to start all over again…

In the meantime the councils say that it is the minister’s fault that the reforms haven’t happened and the Minister is saying that the Executive remains committed to reform of local government.

Sure it’s not like the Assembly to have a row…

BACK in the mists of time – well about a year or so ago - there was a media furore about double-jobbing; that practice whereby a politician can be an MLA and an MP. Some even treble jobbed, as councillors, MLAs and MPs.

The mood of the electorate was crystal clear as evidenced by almost unanimous polling, irate callers to radio shows and countless letters to various editors - not to mention volumes of comment in the blogosphere.

So, one would have hoped, that after the temperature of the electorate was gauged to be red hot over this issue, the politicians in the Big House would have rushed to step down from posts. Some have…and some have not.

And so it came to pass that Independent Unionist MLA, Dawn Purvis, brought a Private Member’s Bill to be debated in the chamber that would bar MLAs from being councillors.

An eminently sensible piece of legislation, one would have thought. It did not strike at the parties that held both Westminster and Stormont seats, and could potentially lead to some new blood beginning their political ascent through the electoral ranks.

While the Bill passed with a minor amendment, it resulted in a heated and, at times acrimonious debate in the chamber.

Such was the mud-slinging in the chamber there is now serious consideration by the Department of Culture, Arts and Leisure that it should nominate the 100-yard political acrimony as a future Commonwealth Games event. As well as our boxers bringing back gold medals, the Northern Ireland MLAs would sweep the boards, catapulting us to the top of the medal league table.

The Bill itself now passes to the Further Consideration Stage when MLA can table more changes, if they wish. And we sincerely hope that as MLAs continue to consider the Bill, they will consider asking their constituents the following question:

“In this time of economic hardship do you consider it right and proper that I have two jobs and you have no job at all?”

Shuffling the deck chairs gets everyone in a spin

YOU can shuffle the deck chairs as the ship lists hard, but ultimately there comes a time when such shuffling only serves to emphasise that all the mixed messages are getting everyone in a spin…and that’s without the spin doctors stepping into the fray!




To review so far:

“The economy is doomed.”

“Oh, no it isn’t!”

“We must fight the cuts.”

“We must take action now to stave off….”

This week saw a media flurry of waffle about a decision that hasn’t been taken yet and no-one will know about until October 20th.

We have the First Minister and deputy First Minister clocking up more air miles to convince the Government that ‘Norn Iron’ is a special case.

We have Peter saying that we need money on capital projects, Martin saying the Brits made a promise to cough up extra cash and the Tories and Lib Dems reneging on that promise.

We have the three devolved administrations issuing a statement that is akin to holding out a begging bowl while turning their tear streaked faces towards the cold Dickensian demeanour of Treasury accountants.

And then we have Nick “Hi, I’m the deputy” Clegg dropping in to hear our politicians’ concerns and promise that the rug will not be pulled out from the Northern Ireland’s economy.

Better still we got a lecture – well seeing as he is a now a mongrel Tory, Lib Dem man, it was more a gentle chiding – that our economy must diversify (sounds suspiciously like what the industry bodies have been saying, but in nicer language).

All this is beginning to get wearisome ahead of what will no doubt be blanket BBC coverage of the Chancellor’s October 20th Spending Review announcement.

But, do not despair! We’ve seen through the motivations! The Sinners want to publicly fight the cuts while privately agreeing them. The DUP want to paint a picture of Northern Ireland driven to the brink, before saying their powerful lobbying saved the day. The Tory and Lib Dem coalition want to say that they have been kinder than they might have been, and then we’ll all realise that whatever way you shuffle the deckchairs we’re all screwed anyway – man the lifeboats!