Snow joke

OKAY – we are officially and totally fed up and cheesed off with another pratt ringing into radio shows or commenting at the bar that the country grinds to a halt with a “wee bit of snow”.

Equally irritating are those that claim that they seem to cope in Finland, Sweden, Russia, etc etc, etc.

Let us state the bleeding obvious: Northern Ireland rarely faces extreme weather. Thus it would be wasteful and irresponsible for the country to have large numbers of snow ploughs and other assorted specialist equipment at hand throughout the year.

And, there are also those that hop into their car, cheerfully ignoring the police advice to avoid all but essential journeys, before skidding off the road; panicking and generally unable to cope with the weather conditions.

Let’s not forget the eejit who snorts: “So much for global warming!”

The actual phrase should be “climate change” and it’s all pretty complicates and to do with the diversion of the Gulf Stream, amongst other factors.

Surely our scientists must be able to come up with a satisfactory solution for treating snow and ice bound pavements and roads before the politicians drive themselves to apoplexy blaming each other!

Bye, bye baby

WHERE does an MLA go when they decide to pack up their Stormont office, put belongings and desk tops into cardboard boxes and head off into a setting sun?

Facing life on the fringes of political life – a lonely barely recognised figure at party conferences – what consolation does an MLA draw from life.

Of course, there is a pension. And, this week it emerged that MLAs get a ‘winding up allowance’.

This is, supposedly, a cash pay-out to help with paying off constituency staff, paying outstanding stationery costs, rent etc.

We, however, wonder whether the costs are actually as high. Of the 12 MLAs who over the last two years have handed in their letters of resignation, how many have physically closed their offices, for new incumbents to open brand new offices. And, when one thinks about stationery, does the Assembly not provide the MLAs with smart headed paper?

But aside from these niggles the Ulster Unionists have got their knickers in a knot over the whole issue. Why? UUP leader Tom Elliott claims that some DUP members who resigned may be standing for the Assembly again.

Never mind the costs – some of the most vocal DUP advocates and able politicos will once again stalk the carpeted and marble corridors.

We suggest that Mr Elliott takes a wee break and watches the first Terminator movie. In that movie the android played by the current Governor of California promises: “I’ll be back!” He does indeed come back to wreak havoc. But at the end of the film the android has his rear end kicked.

So, Mr Elliott can hope that some of his DUP rivals will return to face a similar – if metaphorical – ending. But then again, as John Lennon once said, Mr Elliott may be forced to sing the Late Mr Lennon line: “You may say, I’m a dreamer”.

Errr - have we not decided it already?

IT may be the cynics who lurk amongst us that inspire a tiny smidgeon of doubt about proposed capital projects announced in last week’s draft budget, but we think that the money was there already...

When the Executive’s man with the purse strings, Minister Wilson, rose to deliver his budget statement, he said that infrastructure projects, such as the new police (and fire service) training academy would be built, Altnagelvin Hospital would get a new radiotherapy centre and sports stadia would be upgraded.

We may, or may not, be completely and utterly stupid (such has been suggested by constant readers, but they still read this – so who’s the stupid one?) but these projects have been on the table for more than a couple of years.

Indeed, we and many others have been fed up to the back teeth listening to wrangles about them. It may, or may not, be the case that these projects have been budgeted for. It may, or may not, be the case that decisions were fudged and dodged to avoid offending one side or other.

But, if the money had been set aside for the sports stadia upgrades, for example, where was it when the rows about location (Maze/Long Kesh prison site anyone?) and wrangles within the Irish Football Association were taking place. Was it languishing in a Swiss bank account accumulating interest? Was it hidden underneath Sammy’s mattress? Was it tucked safely away with the banks? Or, was it somewhere within the corporate governance maze of drawdowns and money requests to Treasury that dominate all public sector relationships?

For, if it is the case that the cash has already been allocated it could be that instead of Executive largesse, the infrastructure budget seems more than a wee bit suspicious. Or maybe it is that infectious cynicism that seems to be afflicting us all post-budget statement...

Plastic fantastic

GEE, ain’t it great that the Minister for Finance and Personnel has gone all green?! No, he has not donned a Leprechaun outfit and volunteered to lead the St Patrick’s Day Parade in New York. Instead Sammy has declared for the environment, with his draft Budget announcement.

Yep, the man who is a climate change denier and tried to bar ads that called for carbon efficient practices has announced that he is minded to introduce a plastic bag tax.

Green activists paused before celebrating – for it is clear that Mr Wilson was not really interested in turtles swallowing plastic bags or hedgerows clogged with shopping detritus.
His motivation was to raise some extra revenue for the cash strapped DOE.

But, as humble commentators on the political winds that emerge from the collective superannuated rear ends of our politicians, we looked at the practice behind the theory.

Mr Wilson – and in turn the Executive on which he sits – thinks that the 15p tax per plastic bag will raise loads of cash. And, we as shoppers will hardly notice the pennies added to the bill; thus generating the money.

But to a certain extent this assumes that we will passively accept a new item on the shopping bill.

We think not!

Shoppers will suddenly remember all the ‘bags for life’ and hessian shopping bags that clutter up car boots and dusty cupboards under the stairs.

And plastic bags will become the minority holder for provisions, groceries and assorted essentials of life. This, of course, means that the projected revenue from the scheme will be reduced.

But, we suspect that there is an alternative explanation. Minister Wilson needs to appease some people. Not the environmental lobby, nor Tidy Northern Ireland. Instead it is his NI Executive colleagues in Sinn Féin. For it is clear that no sensible person here would agree to taxing texts from the ever-present mobile phones (have you ever seen a politician without a Blackberry or iPhone within quick draw range?). Thus Sammy needed to show the Shinners that he could do something that was all about raising money rather than just imposing cuts.

Who cares about the exact figures – it is the show that counts.

Do they know it’s Christmas...

THERE is a rather cruel joke that was doing the rounds a couple of weeks ago about Ethiopian fundraising...it suggested that Ethiopians were now fundraising for the poor of the Republic of Ireland.

Of course the bail-out of the Irish economy was a source of national embarrassment, whether or not this was truly justified.

But amid the snow and ice Northern Ireland has also had to face up to the harsh realities of the tough financial climate: the chill Arctic winds of recent days are echoed in the palpable sense that we’re in for a long hard economic equivalent of a nuclear winter.

Not that you would have thought so when the DUP/Sinn Féin ministers smiled and nodded as Minister for Finance and Personnel Sammy Wilson delivered his budget statement last week (by the way, can we not all chip in a couple of quid to buy Sammy a nice red box to hold aloft when he arrives at Parliament Buildings?)

There was a sense that we’d all dodged the proverbial bullet with the draft Budget: the argument was along the lines that it will be a hard few years, but thanks to the wily skills of the negotiating team it was nowhere near as bad as it could have been.

Which also answers the question as to why ministers need so many spin doctors: because it surely only spin to try to sell that line. The question is whether we – to extend the metaphor tortuously – will seize it hook, line and sinker.

The consultation period on the Executive’s draft Budget is designed to draw us further to the shore of DUP/Sinn Féin party lines before the May election.

Look closely at the draft budget and there will be really, really tough times ahead. Come the time to cast (Editor’s note: please, no more fishing references!) your vote, the full impact of budgetary decisions may not have been felt.

Which will be of no comfort to those public and civil servants heading to the dole office after ‘efficiency savings’, also known to those that detest euphemisms as ‘cuts’.

It fair gladdens the heart

WHETHER you are an unreconstructed Tory or an unreconstructed anarchist, the protests over increased student fees must gladden the heart.

As a Tory, you get to claim that the violent forces of malcontents, anarchists and bad ‘uns have run rampant, with only a thin blue line averting the breakdown of society. As an anarchist, you get to claim that the people are on the streets, brutalised by the police, and that only violent protest stopped the Poll Tax.

Meanwhile those of us who benefitted from halcyon days when fees were paid and grants offered to most must be a little confused. After all free higher education was a good thing in our day, we know someone needs to pay for it, but exactly who should and how much?

In addition, such confusion has been evident in the Northern Ireland Executive. It is apparent that NI plc would be delighted to be able to claim that it could subsidise higher education so that fees could be minimised, if not eliminated, but that ain’t going to happen; and if it does Sammy will be doing a lot of explaining to HM Treasury!

Instead, we have a complex financial conundrum being played out in simplistic terms on TV and radio.

Nevertheless, we must commend the inspiration of modern history students. Surely it must have been they who were behind the protest in Belfast. Sit down blocking a road...that would be the history of Ardoyne protests course. Causing traffic chaos at rush hour...that would be how a provo held up rush hour traffic with a bag of 10ps and a code word to claim devices were ‘planted’ throughout the city.

Alternatively it could have been a combination of art and drama students who made Belfast city centre into an extravagant avant garde performance art piece with the tableau captured for posterity by the hovering PSNI helicopter.

It certainly wasn’t the earth and environmental science students – all the pollutants pouring out of idling vehicle engines simply horrified the tree huggers. Whichever student group orchestrated the protest in Belfast should not be shunned by Minister of (un)Employment and Learning, Danny Kennedy.

Mr Kennedy should forthwith seek out the protest organisers, wrench them from the dead hand of law and order, bring them into a darkened room – and get them to explain how people from such a diverse range of backgrounds can organise themselves.

If they can manage to bring Belfast to a standstill with a few Facebook posts and text messages, solving the budget problem would be a doddle. Failing that, the English Literature students could at least help him cobble together a press release.

Taxes are so ‘unattractive’

THIS week it has emerged that former chief ‘A’ level examiner and current Minister for Finance and Personnel, Sammy Wilson finds tax cuts ‘unattractive’ – well one in particular.

There has been much lobbying for a reduction in Corporation Tax to align ourselves with our Southern cousins. Now it has emerged that if we do it HM Treasury want some money back. You just cannot win!

If the Corporation Tax was reduced then it is imagined that a tide of FDI (that means Foreign Direct Investors to those who are not privileged to stalk the multi-storey Invest NI Bedford Street mega office) will sweep into Northern Ireland. It is also imagined that if the NI Executive can just capture that leprechaun and his pot of gold then all will be well for the Budget.

Let’s face it – the idea that lowering Corporation Tax is a panacea is fanciful if not ridiculous at best. Along with – if we slash the public sector then everything will work out despite the fact that our economy is dependent on the sector.

So what have Gerry and Robin ever done to the SDLP?

YOU could ask what have the Junior Ministers, Gerry Kelly and Robin Newton ever done to the SDLP, who announced in their budget proposals that the Junior Minister posts should be scrapped in these tight financial times.

Of course, you could argue that there is only a slight chance that the SDLP will occupy these posts so it is easy to call for them to be scrapped… but that is only the sort of comment the most cynical of us would make…

And, if we are to be accused of cynicism let’s be a wee bit cynical about the party’s call to tax holes in the wall. No, not the Hole in the Wall gang, but ATMs; those ubiquitous Automated Telling Machines; or cash machines as known colloquially.

To stretch the analogy a wee bit, let us suppose that those in the lowest socio-demographic quartile (see we can do smart talk too, like!) have not got access to fancy, dancy credit cards and debit cards. Instead they have their post office card and a wee card savings account. Then the logic is that the tax will impact those with the least; making it a regressive tax.

You may recall from GCSE Economics – or for older readers ‘O’ level economics – that regressive taxes are generally those that affect the poorest. And as you may recall from GCSE/O level politics, social democratic parties – even those with centrist leanings are pretty much against hitting the poorest hardest.

On a brighter note, under the SDLP’s proposals, any public servants earning over £80,000 per annum will have their pay cut by five per cent…

Tories confused by coalition confusion

IT used to be the old Conservative and Unionist party. But to be a Tory in this part of the union can be a little confusing.

Rewind a couple of years and the UUP/Tory project was seen to be building a wee bit of steam ahead of the European election. Then came the general election debacle.

Then came the recriminations, and then came the discussion over Assembly candidates and just who is standing for whom?

With the UUP shedding and suspending members, and the Tories here suddenly finding themselves seemingly cut adrift from a Conservative HQ that sometimes misses the nuanced paranoia of Northern Ireland politics.

The local Conservative Party chairman, Irwin Armstrong has resigned – no doubt in exasperation.

We recommend that every time David Cameron doubts the wisdom of coalition with the Liberal Democrats he can cast a wistful eye across to Norn Iron and sigh gladly that even the students are easier to handle than the Norn Iron political classes.

Grit your teeth

THERE is a seemingly stupid level of bureaucratic insanity that abounds in Norn Iron; at times it reaches levels of Kafkaesque surrealism.

Now that temperatures have reached heady heights of single figures in what can be described as a thaw the issue of gritting footpaths will fade from radio talkshows for now.

But let’s recap. The snow and ice left a wake of icy roads and footpaths. The Roads Service gritted as much as possible in damned cold weather. They said simply they could not afford to grit the footpaths. Some councils decided they could, others said they couldn’t.

For several days footpaths across Norn Iron were dangerous to those venturing out.
There was much disagreement over who would be liable over claims and a lot of confusing comments from local council spokespeople and Department of Regional Development.

As they were waffling on the airwaves and penning comment pieces in newspapers a simple fact existed – most footpaths were still treacherous to pedestrians, with no doubt the resultant increase in trips to A&E with fractures.

Over 12 days many footpaths were left ungritted. We restate that because there is obviously some form of sheer lunacy that renders grown ups incapable of picking up the phone, arranging a quick meeting.

And the agenda of that meeting should be very simple and clear – let’s agree a way to get the gritting done.

These grown ups prefer to look for an imagined claim for injuries that may or may not happen as a way of avoiding making a collective decision.

The only joined up government is the joint repairs of a pensioner waiting in a hospital ward for an operation after toppling on an icy pavement.