DEAR Basil,

Thank you for your support despite losing to me, your glorious leader, at the recent election for Ulster Unionists Top Dog. However, recently I have been reflecting as to whether you would actually like the job as leader.

You see, of late people seem out to really, really annoy me. I mean there was that whole thing over GAA with Trevor. I’m a farmer for goodness sake and sport, well it’s nice, but GAA? I thought it was a cross between basketball, football and a fight. How was I to know people actually like that sort of thing. So Trevor left in a huff.

And then there’s Queen. No, not Her Majesty, the rock band! Your hip with the young dudes, so maybe you could talk Harry Hamilton into coming back; perhaps he’d even do a wee turn as Freddy Mercury to raise some funds.
And, then, as if that wasn’t enough, there
’s this whole selection rigmarole. After Harry left, we then had Paula not getting selected and leaving.

Just as I hoped the New Year would be ready to launch us into the election mode, David McClarty leaves in a huff. I was going to say bad loser, but that would be unkind (if he comes back as a deputy speaker in the Assembly this month, he may not let me talk in the chamber!).

So, in short – if you want the job, give me a call!

Yours

Tom

EDITOR’S NOTE: Of course, Mr Elliott has never drafted such a letter, but we have to wonder what he is thinking after the whole selection process for the Assembly elections…Or is it all part of a grand scheme to get back to some sort of romanticised past that will see absentee voters flock back to the UUP fold.