Eye on the Hill

Too many carbons

AS that esteemed political analyst and Top Gear presenter has said there are too many carbons, or as the more scientifically minded might say the rise in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere may result in doom for the species.

Hyperbole aside, it is reassuring to know that Norn Iron is doing its bit to save the world; or as the green movement of the 80s might have said, thinking globally, acting locally.

This week the Assembly agreed to pass the draft Carbon Reduction Commitment Energy Efficiency Order 2013, a step to making Norn Iron more energy efficient.

The scheme will involve energy gobbling coming at a cost with the onus on government especially to stop its buildings bleeding energy, as if it were an infinite resource.

However, we do wonder will the energy efficiency tests be applied to the hotels ministers and officials use as they jet set around the world… or will that just be a carbons check too far?

But on a positive note, our environment Minister Alex Attwood has announced that solar panels for businesses, farms and schools no longer need planning permission…here comes the sun everyone!

The youth gone wild

THIS week the Minister for Employment and Learning, Dr Stephen Farry was doing much to trumpet his schemes designed to address youth unemployment.

However, no matter how much Dr Farry had hoped to address the issue of youth unemployment it remains the highest in the UK.

But more baffling is the assertion by the Minister that we invest more in youth unemployment – and the best solution so far is the ‘public sector’.

Dr Farry said in the Assembly: “…the private sector is not yet big enough to sustain this by itself and offer all the required work experience opportunities. Therefore, we need buy-in from the public sector and the community and voluntary sector.”

So, despite calls to reduce the size of the public sector from various parts of the Assembly, including Dr Farry’s ministerial colleagues, a Northern Ireland Executve Minister publicly admits that the public sector can get unemployed youths work experience.

Have we gone mad, or is it just that our Executive has more sides than a dodecahedron and twice as many opinions on any given matter...on reflection we’re not mad...

Just G8 Gr8

ISN’T it great that the G8 is coming to our wee country! Obama, Putin, and all their cronies will be dandering round the highways and byways of Co. Fermanagh, with their press entourages, plus a few protestors to boot.

Already the PSNI are drafting in extra help and warning of traffic disruption around airports and most of the region.

In the Assembly, Justice Minister David Ford sought to reassure members that all will be well; and that the £30m tab to police the event was being picked up by David Cameron; although not personally out of his bank account.

He did warn of mass protests, but the PSNI would seek to “facilitate” such protests.

That is a sight we can’t wait to behold. A crowd of PSNI officers and a crowd of protesters  “You go first!” “No, you go first!”

Learning the lessons from the flag protests and the summer rioting, we expect much more civilized protests. Facilitating rioting will mean that only approved riots will take place, and PSNI will ensure that the rioters are in place and ready with petrol bombs and assorted missiles, before the global media arrives for a few stylish shots.

Then a quick cut in the news reporting to one of the G8 ministers condemning the rioting but reminding us all that these global titans have solved all the world’s problems…apart from Norn Iron’s that is!

Eye on the Hill

Gizza some money...please!

WE'D like some money, saieth the men of the Norn Iron Executive to their paymasters at Her Majesty's Treasury, and some of that control of corporation tax also please.

Nay, saieth the venerable Secretary of State, Ms Villiers - you need to be nice boys and girls and learn to share.

Share? Saieth the Norn Iron Executive, we already share and are nice boys and girls. We have a nice table we sit around and we share all the nice things that our wee executive have control of.

Ahh, but have you a plan to share, saieth the Secretary of State?

Err, no saieth the boys and girls, we just sort of play this thing by ear and pretty much share that power thing.

Well, if you are not nice boys and girls, no extra money to help you along...

And thus the saga of aid to Norn Iron continued, with no happy ending in sight; where endless positions are shuffled and strange things happen.

In a nutshell our fairy story is about how Norn Iron hasn't agreed a shared future strategy, and Ms Villiers says you need to be 'nice' to each other.

But, our heroes in the Executive remain dogged saying they don't need a piece of paper to get along.

So the tale goes on, and once more no-one hears a happily ever after and life goes on its merry way for the rest of us.

Bye Bye Lady Thatcher...

 NO-ONE can deny the presence that Baroness Thatcher cast over the political landscape (she preferred Lady Thatcher to Baroness Thatcher according to ‘reputable’ right wing newspapers).

  

Lady Thatcher certainly was a figure of hate for both sides of Norn Iron’s political divide during the 80s proving that she wasn’t as divisive as people say; her stand over Hunger Strikers led to riots on the streets in republican and nationalist areas, while her signing of the Anglo-Irish Agreement led to riots on the streets in loyalist and unionist areas.

As her £10m plus funeral arrangements are put in place and Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson glad hands the former Apartheid South African Premier, FW De Klerk, one notes that the BBC is forced into a quandary over the charts.

In an attempt by those who rejected Lady Thatcher’s tough love to the economy and even the union, the sing from that playful allegorical movie ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ is being touted as a potential Chart topper. The song is, “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead”.

Just as people have been getting their knickers in a knot by either solemn remembrance or because of parties, it seems a relative storm in a teacup and one suspects Lady Thatcher at her prime would have enjoyed the joke rather than the posturing by both sides.

Bagged and tagged

 HAVE you got your five pennies ready? If not when you approach your local retail outlet remember to have your re-useable bag to hand.

In the same way that you have your recycled bag, the Norn Iron Executive has recycled policies from elsewhere – like those from our cousins south of the border.

We hope that this trend continues; where something sensible is proposed we can then adopt it. However, this isn’t always the case. The widespread abuse of libel laws to challenge scientific publications has been addressed in England and Wales. Not the case here, where it has been rejected by Finance Minister, Mr Wilson.

As a former Economics teacher, Mr Wilson should be aware that economics has various trends and opinions, with other people’s views often challenged by academics with differing views. With Norn Iron not offering the same protection will an academic journal or paper now be open to challenge in our courts?

But at least we can be content that the plague of carrier bags will be addressed – we hope!

Journal of a (senior) Civil Servant

 MONDAY: Minister irritating everyone, but got him a nice warm mug of Horlicks and his favourite biccies and he’s calmed down

TUESDAY: Minister needs all sorts of stuff for questions in the Assembly – the intern can do that as I need to write a business case for something….what was it, oh yes that ‘trip’ the minister and I discussed

WEDNESDAY: New York here we come – Minister gives me and the other bod I work with the nod to join him on a ‘fact-finding’ trip. As the plebs would say ‘aye right’ but they don’t realize how tough a job we have

THURSDAY: Swimming trunks and sun tan lotion packed for our trip at the weekend to a lovely Mediterranean resort

FRIDAY: So much for that planned golf afternoon – Minister wants a trip to some city in the US arranged, but would settle for a jaunt to Canada. Must get the secretary to book that.. I might manage to get nine holes in before that black tie dinner with the fee wine.

Of course, we don’t believe this leaked journal, suspecting it to be a false trail laid by a disgruntled journalist, or plain fiction of a diseased mind (not ours – honestly!).

However, while some visits may be justified and essential we wonder just why there is a need for two or more civil servants to accompany a minister – just how many bags are they carrying?

Eye on the Hill

Missile Crisis

AS military forces line up in and around the Korean Peninsula, the US General in charge of the armies has been inspecting the troops.

After checking out the tanks and artillery of the South Koreans he declared himself impressed.

He walked beside the might of the US air force, chatting to the airmen and was delighted at their combat readiness.

Sailors from the South Korean and US Navies were lined up and he was assured by their poise and preparedness.

As he came to the end of the line there was a flatbed trailer, loaded with planks, concrete, a mixer and a clatter of bricks.

In front of it were five men, all wearing leather box jackets, with dodgy moustaches and broad Belfast accents.

Non-plussed by this sight the General asked them what they were going to bring to the battle.

“Battle mate? Nah we’re not here for a battle we’re opening an Irish Bar and a social club.”

Whatever happened to…

IT used to be a regular staple of newspaper columns; dig up some old fading star or starlet, find them working in a chippy and then run a ‘whatever happened to’ story.

In that fine tradition the Assembly will, in this coming week, have a debate on whatever happened to the Civic Forum.

Proposed by the SDLP triumvirate of Colum Eastwood, John Dallat and Dolores Kelly the motion calls for the return of the Civic Forum to help sort this benighted region…

Which is a task that even the esteemed minds of MLAs have found virtually impossible, so if anyone can, maybe the Civic Forum can?

Of course this motion will not succeed, simply because vested party interests don’t want anyone undermining their authority. What’s more it might show some people up.

With the great and good of civic society – and a few others too – sure to be disappointed by the prospect that the Civic Forum has no prospects, they are struggling to get their voices heard, especially on the media.

So, we have a suggestion – start your own TV reality show. The premise is simple: crowd of people crammed into a house with tasks to complete. First on the agenda will be economic recovery. If they manage that they’ll be let out of the house and sent to solve that wee problem in the Korean Peninsula.

We predict a riot...

To paraphrase the Kaiser Chiefs, we predict a riot this week coming. Okay in Norn Iron that’s a pretty safe prediction as 20 weeks of the year you are guaranteed some form of civil disorder.

What we are predicting is a riot when the week’s Committee business of the Assembly gets underway.

In the Education Committee there will fun and games when the Minister, John O’Dowd, comes before the members to explain Area Planning: which given all the controversy surrounding closures will mean the point scoring exercise will be well underway.

Oh, and they’ll be discussing school uniforms too…

Meanwhile this week will see the Public Accounts Committee discuss its Inquiry into the PSNI employing agency staff and its inquiry into the Organisational Review of Department Oversight at the Fire Service.

Both of which are potential tinderboxes.

During this week’s plenary session we will also see the First Minister and Deputy First Minister answering questions on the cost of their recent jaunt to the US and exactly what is going on in terms of yon Corporate Tax debacle.

And from that list there is sure to be an issue or two to provoke a media riot for rentaquotes from all the parties.

Worryingly for citizens in the Korean Peninsula the Assembly All Party Group on International Development is not scheduled to meet this week.

Eye on the Hill

Taxing times

IT'S all Alex Salmond's fault - him and those crazy Cypriot bankers! If it wasn't for them Norn Iron would have control over its own Corporation Tax rates with the prospect of multi-national businesses throwing their cash into 'our wee country'.

Instead, Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness trooped disconsolately away from Downing Street, heads bowed, saying they were disappointed that Davey Boy Cameron had thrown in the towel and said, "away ye go lads!".

There is a rational reason for not giving the folks on the Hill the power to strike our own corporation tax rate; the  small matter of Scotland voting on whether to reduce the United Kingdom to three component parts (what the UK will then be called is another matter altogether!).

In the run up to next September’s vote, the PM won’t want Norn Iron demands for devolving corporation tax to muddy the waters. Giving the Scots the same powers as us would prove a lot more costly to the bean counters in Whitehall.

Winter's deathly grip

ONE would be a hard-hearted not to have total sympathy for those stranded by the recent snow storms leaving so many individuals cut off and hundreds of sheep and livestock dead or dying. 

Northern Ireland's fast response MLAs have covered themselves in nothing short of ignominy. Thursday night of last week the snow started and by Friday evening it was clear that this was more than the usual spring flurries so often encountered here.

As it was then the weekend and ministers and MLAs alike were ready for their Easter recess, our politicians were not at hand, other than to build snowmen and chuckle at all the cute kids sledding down the hill at Stormont.

Where was the emergency Executive meeting? Where was the urgent response to this agri-crisis? Equivocation began on Tuesday, to be quickly replaced by waffle, photo-opportunities and general hand washing. Decisions were in short supply, as talk of compensation was batted back and forth across the air waves.

By Tuesday night/Wednesday morning it was agreed that the RAF  Chinooks were needed and by Thursday Irish Air Corp helicopters them.

When did the emergency meeting of the Committee for Agriculture take place? Thursday. Mind you, this was a meeting of MLAs that could not compel action, but could only scrutinise such action and generate a lot of hot air.

To summarise - a week after the snow began MLAs at last sat down to talk.

Surely in this 21st Century communications era those charged with ministerial responsibility could have connected through those amazing devices called telephones and had some sort of Executive meeting, even if their laneways had more than a dusting of snow flakes.

Surely by Saturday, when the plight of farmers and stranded communities became clear someone would have displayed leadership and acted with some sense of urgency.

There was none forthcoming, with one prominent member of our Assembly blaming "the weather".

We live in a temperate part of the world, where hurricanes and virtually unknown, ice-storms never take place and temperatures are generally like Goldilocks porridge - not too warm and not too cold. We experience no volcanic eruptions and earthquakes are so mild none but the most sensitive detectors even note they happen at all.

But as all forecasters outside the loony fringe of climate-change deniers acknowledge, the weather cycles are more and more likely to be subject to change and alteration, requiring better response from all agencies to floods etc.

And it is no use blaming the Met Office. Weather is a dynamic, chaotic system that requires an understanding of probability for anything beyond a few days reliable predictions. But should our elected representative try to blame the Met Office, they could do well to remember that last week's snow was well forecast.

Was it beyond the bounds of likelihood for one member of the Executive or an official to pick up the phone and ask whether they should make some contingency for the weather? Obviously it was.

Happy Easter/Ishtar

AS we mark Easter, or for those who worship ancient Babylonian Gods, Ishtar, we would like to wish all our readers and clients the greetings of the season and with the clock's about to change hope that spring will see re-birth for the political process.

While we may despair at the ongoing violence of minute terror gangs on both sides of the divide, or the horrors of the ongoing strife in Syria, we would ask you to remember the work of evolutionary psychologist Stephen Pinker, who notes that there is no safer time in recorded history to be alive.

Enjoy your eggs and see you next week! 

Eye on the Hill

A lot more work to be done…
PRESIDENT Barack Obama – that’s the guy in charge of the US of A for those not paying attention – has declared more work needs to be done here in Norn Iron.

As he hosted the globe-trotting First Minister and Deputy First Minister Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness on the latest stop in their world tour, Obama greeted them in the Oval Office for St Patrick’s Day.

The dynamic duo will be returning to Norn Iron in sufficient time for the Easter Assembly Recess…the two weeks MLAs enjoy following their hard work since Christmas and after their own day off for St Patrick’s Day.

Then our elected representatives have that long slog until they reach the May Day Bank Holidays, which should tide them over until their several summer weeks off.

Even teachers are looking on enviously…

However, with unemployment figures rising again, one Stormont Minister was at least able to announce one growth sector.

Employment and Learning Minister, Dr Stephen Farry this week opened the new Job Centre Offices in Cookstown.

The new centre offers a “spacious, welcoming and professional environment for customers” who are known as the unemployed in less politically correct circles.

See the Assembly at its busiest
STUCK for something to do over the Easter Holidays? Fear not, you can take friends, family and distant relatives on a free tour of Parliament Buildings at its busiest…during recess when most MLAs are ensconced safely back in their constituencies.

Yes, the iconic big white house at the top of the hill is running free hourly tours Monday to Friday between 10am and 3pm.

You can now head up to the big house without any fear of bumping into an MLA trying to do you a favour to earn an extra vote.

You’ll get to see the chamber where MLAs sometimes turn up to make laws, or slag off the other side in a pointless debate that one side or another has tried really hard to be offended by.

Great G8
THIS week we learned that the G8 will be Gr8 for Norn Iron.

In written answers to MLAs’ questions the dynamic duo of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuiness emailed from their latest stop on their worldwide tour to tell the Assembly that Invest NI and the Norn Iron Tourist Board will be pulling out all the stops to bring long term economic benefits to Fermanagh Council and the rest of the wee country.

Short term benefits will include those for event management companies, catering companies and transport firms.

It was also revealed that around 2,000 members of the media are expected to be present.

We hope that at least half of them will be reporting on the G8 summit and not looking for a recreational riot to beam worldwide. Even if they don’t find one at least we can expect it to be one hell of a bar bill!

Irish language and the tale of the chip shop
IS there something deeply ingrained in the national psyche of Irish Language speakers that attracts them to deep fried food.

Of course the entire population of Norn Iron likes a feed of food fried in lard, but details emerged this week of a specific penchant amongst Irish speakers for the food that beckons a cardiac arrest.

In a written Assembly Answer it was revealed that help has been given by Foras na Gaeilge to erect Irish language signage at: Brown’s Chippy, The Village Chippy, and Barnes Fish and Chip Shop.

At least those in search of a battered sausage need never worry about finding the right place if they only speak Irish.

Previously only the smell of freshly frying fish had helped direct their quest.

But fear not Ulster Scots speakers, because money is being spent on your fair tongue too!

Tourism iApps are being developed and a scoping study is being held to establish a baseline of present pipes and drums to establish if tourists can be attracted to the skirl of the pipes. We wonder about this as we’re pretty sure we sent bagpipes to Scotland as a joke and the Scots haven’t got the joke yet…

Eye on the Hill

Maze of transformation

CONFLICTS leave an aftermath, whether it is of aggrieved victims, groups who refuse to accept the ‘war’ is over, or landmarks to the conflict, there is always a legacy.

And, in our nasty little conflict with no clear ‘winner’ it is those landmarks that have long been in contention, whether it is a disused army barracks, or a former police station they have aroused all sorts of weird feelings.

None more so than the Maze/Long Kesh Prison site. Here were the infamous ‘H’ blocks; the site of a mass prison break, hunger strikes and the incarceration of prisoners from both republican and loyalist groups.

For years the future of the site has been negotiated over, debated over and held false promise.

First it was to be an international sports stadium… but that fell by the wayside. Then it was to be the site of a conflict resolution centre…but that fell at the first hurdle on the nearby racecourse.

But with a sense of bold foresight the Royal Ulster Agricultural Society decided to upsticks from its King’s Hall venue in Belfast and move its showgrounds to the Maze.

After all it is a big site for animals…

Now the DUP has taken a corporate decision to let the conflict resolution centre go ahead, as an international centre for addressing how to get over all that bickering and fighting over pieces of land and methods of government.

Sinn Féin have magnanimously said any such centre would be about all involved in the Maze during the prison’s former life…prisoners, guards, soldiers and police.

So that’s all right then – we can have the landmark architect appointed and get on with it.

We have no comment to add, other than to say we are just glad somebody has finally made a decision…

April Fool’s Day…

YOU’D have to be a fool to turn down a pay rise – wouldn’t you?

Well that’s exactly what some members of our esteemed and respected Assembly are going to do, according to a poll in today’s (Friday) Belfast Telegraph.

The unappreciative members of the SDLP and UUP MLA are to turn down pay rises that will see the hard-working, resolute and determined members of the Assembly receive just rewards of £48,000 per year, committee chairs and Junior Ministers to receive a total of £60,000 per year, ministers to receive £86,000 per year and First Minister and Deputy First Minister to receive £120,000 each.

It would surely take a fool to turn down the extra wonga…

Except for the fact that they will lose some money as a result of cuts in expenditure they are allowed to claim for.

Various MLAs of differing hue and cry were quick to rush forward and say that the extra cash would go to office staff salaries to make up for this cut. And, the bean counters also said that this would result in a net saving of over £3.16m.

All well and good, except that some MLAs pay less than £5,000 in staff costs – it’s on the Assembly website, if you don’t believe us.

And then there are some MLAs saying that they may have had to make staff redundant or cut services, if they don’t take the pay rise, given the cut in their office allowances.

The UKIP MLA, David McNarry, argued that MLAs are ‘hard-working’ and that there was a need to attract “cleverer people than me…”.

As it is the first pay rise in 10 years, maybe they deserve a few extra quid, but it really is a downright silly decision. To put it in plain language, the money MLAs get to pay low wage support staff is to be reduced, while the MLAs will get a pay hike, which some will have to re-direct to make sure those support staff can stay in a job or not see their pay cut.

And the pay rise is being introduced on April 1st…no more fitting day than that can be imagined.

Theology aside…

THE DUP have had long ideological differences with the Vatican and its Head of State, the Pope.

However, there may have been a few who raised a glass of non-alcoholic beverage to their lips when Pope Francis was announced.

After all this promises to be no liberal reformer papcy…Frankie is clear that same sex marriage is bad, and abortion is very bad.

Strange bedfellows can be found in religion, as in politics.

In other election news, the new President of China Xi Jinping was confirmed, as well as new premier Li Keqiang. Out of a poll of 3,000 legislators Mr Li only three voted against his premiership, with six abstentions. Messers Robinson and McGuinnes can only dream of such voting, but are hurriedly on the phone from Brazil to arrange their next visit to China.

What you say? The leaders of Norn Iron are in Brazil? Try to keep up there! It’s a trade mission.

Brazil, is a member of the BRIC nations – Brazil, Russia, India and China. While developed world languishes in the ‘bankster’ fuelled recession, the BRIC nations are where the economic action really is. It only makes sense for the First Minister and deputy First Minister to go on tour there. Really, it does. Sadly as the Vatican is not one of the BRIC nations, Pope Francis will have to come here, rather than Peter and Martin going to meet him.

Heated debate

APPARENTLY there was a heated debate in the Assembly this week.

Given the stormy passions aroused by this debate we are going to say nothing about it other than to say it went according to form.

Next week another sham fight is planned in the Assembly will be staged about something or another while unreported and unacknowledged some MLAs and civil servants are getting on with running the country.

Eye on The Hill

Anoraks on!

WE have today (Friday) donned our political anoraks and are have cast the electoral runes in a feeble-minded attempt to do what every other political pundit is doing – casting about the goat entrails to find out what exactly the Mid-Ulster by-election results mean.

The only thing we can say for certain is that Francie Molloy is the new Member of Parliament for Mid-Ulster, even if he will not sit his bottom on the plush benches of the House of Commons.

Sinn Féin saw their vote and share of the vote down from 15,363 at the General Election to 4,681, something the party was quick to blame on voter apathy and SDLP tactics around the abortion issue – and with the turn-out down, as one would expect in a by-election, one can over-analyse it - although Mr Molloy blamed the media for saying all along that it was a Sinn Féin’s seat, leading to voter complacency.

Patsy McGlone will take some satisfaction from an increase in the SDLP vote and Alliance – for whom Mid-Ulster has never been a happy hunting ground - increased their share of the vote by 23%....which represents about 90 extra votes.

However, all the attention has been on the Agreed Unionist candidate, Nigel Lutton, whose increased share of the vote will, on the surface, have pleased those who backed this tactic – even if the number of votes themselves equivalent to all three unionist parties last time out was down by almost 600.

Peter Robinson will be happy enough, given that this was a Westminster seat that a unionist candidate was never going to gain anytime soon. For the DUP it was a no-risk tactic.

However, for Mike Nesbitt it had all the hallmarks of a risk that has already cost him two MLAs.

If the Agreed Unionist candidate had not increased the share of the vote the UUP would have been castigated. But as Mr Lutton did not top the combined figure of DUP, UUP and TUV last time it could be interpreted as a pyrrhic victory. Will it really prevent DUP tacticians smelling blood, as we roll towards the European election? Will it mean more rumblings within the party group come Monday and the Assembly group meeting. And, what will it mean come next year’s council elections?

Mr Nesbitt can only hope that he can use the coming months to rally his dwindling troops – and he should take comfort in the fact that no-one expected King Leonidis to hold Thermopyle for so long…oh hold on! Leonidis died and Thermopyle was sacked by the Persians after the Spartans king’s famous last stand.

We oppose that!

THERE is nothing in the Good Friday Agreement to create a constitutional opposition at Stormot. Such has been the mantra of many for so long.

But Secretary of State Theressa Villiers this week said there’s no reason not to have an opposition.

Mind you, she said that the Assembly would have to cough up the cash, and she would not be proposing any changed legislation as there was “no broad consensus” for an opposition.

Giving evidence to the Northern Ireland Affairs Select Committee, Ms Villiers also said she saw no reason to outlaw double-jobbing.

Change could only be made if the Committee could demonstrate a “groundswell” for altering the status quo. With DUP and Sinn Féin pretty much representing any groundswell, what the Secretary of State seemed to be saying was that nothing was going to change any time soon.

Well that was a waste of our time typing this out – we should have just said Villiers says no! Wouldn’t that have been easier!

Breaking News

NEWS alert – archaeologists in Fermanagh have been allowed an extra week to complete excavations at a Crannog in the county.

Already priceless artefacts of ancient Ulster life have been uncovered.

One lead archaeologist told us that as the dig is peering into the past, as it was some 1,300 years ago, they are hopeful that they are close to unearthing the most recent unionist and nationalist policy papers.

“This remains the most recent evidence we have of the status quo being just in existence for so bloody long that if we dig any more we are liable to find mammoths divided into those with a green pelt and those with an orange pelt,” he revealed.

Way, way down south

SO Norn Iron threw away a golden opportunity to have a say way down south, and by that we don’t mean Cork.

No, in case you missed it, some legislative dunderhead managed to give the Assembly some control over the vast polar continent, Antarctica.

The Assembly rather tamely handed this legislative responsibility back to Westminster. How could they be so short sighted!

A world of new opportunities could have opened up for a divided society near the South Pole. Unionists could have opened up a new Orange Lodge amongst Emperor Penguins, seeing as some still think the British Empire is alive and kicking.

Nationalists could have shown how the Orcas are taking over the lesser species, just as Sinn Féin has over-taken its nationalist revival SDLP.

Meanwhile, the Alliance Party could adopt, as their mascot, the plucky Rockhopper Penguins, those little flightless bird that just keep trying and trying to gain a foothold.

Oh, there would have been scientific reasons for keeping control of part of Antarctica – controlled experiments to determine just how much you can freeze out an electorate before they all decide not to bother voting again…

Eye on the Hill

Begorrah! It’s a Washington brouhaha!

 WELL for a moment last week we thought UUP leader Mike Nesbitt was taking a principled stand. Nope, not because he was forging ahead with closer links with the DUP. Instead he was pledging not to drown the Shamrock in Washington DC and staying at home.

At a meeting of the Committee for the Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister (try saying that after you’ve drowned the Shamrock!) Mr Nesbitt, in chairing the meeting, said that there was a plethora of places up for grabs on the annual junket to the US of A.

While we understand Mr Nesbitt’s objections (and the possible refusal of MLAs to go) we are concerned.

For a couple of days every year we can mark St Patrick’s Day by getting our MLAs out of Northern Ireland where they can do no more damage.

In fact what Mr Nesbitt regards as a waste of taxpayer’s money should be regarded as a welcome break for the taxpayer!

If all 108 of them were to agree to sod off to America for a week or so, on top of the dozens of week’s we give them off already we would have taxpayer’s reaching into their pockets to help fund the fares.

Then for another wee period the MLAs would not be bothering anyone except some Yanks who may give us investment if we take the MLAs back!

Tortuous logic? Sure, but hang with that idea – mark our words next year you’ll be wanting shot of them after another year of them troubling the airwaves…

  

It’s all Michael’s fault

SWANSEA City won their first ever cup trophy last weekend, guaranteeing them European football. And now manager Michael Laudrup seems intent upon the Welsh city gathering up everything else they can to increase the pool of local talent.

After all, what other reason could there be for the imminent decision to locate hundreds of driver and vehicle licensing jobs from Coleraine to Swansea?

Environment Minister Alex Attwood has made an impassioned plea to keep the jobs here in Northern Ireland, claiming that he has been given a pledge from Westminster to be consulted over any cuts.

Is this another attempt by Mr Attwood to take over the airwaves, after a week or so with headlines around golf courses and other sundry items?

It appears not, because we have had the DUP East Londonderry MP, Gregory Campbell, as well as Sinn Féin et al backing Mr Attwood in the drive to keep the jobs in Coleraine.

And whether there can really be savings made shifting the jobs to Wales remains open to debate, as several politicians pointed out that there is the opportunity to shift back office jobs to Coleraine to protect employment.

Which leads us to the conclusion that this really is a conspiracy by Swansea City to grab as many prizes as they can after their Capital One League Cup victory…

Into the void

IT has become something of a vogue these days to talk about opposition. What with Basil McCrea and John McAllister setting off to create their own wee club - sorry party – there are a burgeoning number of independents and sole operators crowding the benches at the back of the chamber.

And now, SDLP stalwart and former Agriculture Minister, Bríd Rodgers reckons her party should crowd in with this motley lot…

We hope she hasn’t told Alex Attwood that lest he fear losing another opportunity to get on the ministerial media merry-go-round.

And given the fact that there would also be consequences in terms of committee places and the loss of party infrastructure in terms of a special adviser and access to Executive papers, it would be a brave gamble.

At Westminster Her Majesty’s opposition is accorded certain benefits. Could similar ‘benefits’ be passed on to an opposition in Parliament Building, Stormont?

Just the four…or two

NEXT week there is a by-election in Mid-Ulster, which will give the pundits a chance to gauge the political temperature.

But while Eastleigh’s by-election on Thursday saw 14 candidates enter the fray, in Mid-Ulster there are only four vying for Martin McGuinness’ old seat.

And even then only two could make their way to the BBC to be interviewed…

One cited being busy canvassing (Agreed Unionist candidate, Nigel Lutton) and the other  (Sinn Féin candidate, Francie Molloy) he wasn’t playing either unless all four candidates were interviewed.

Which left the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone and Alliance’s Eric Bullick fervently hoping that a lot of voters from Mid-Ulster were tuning in.

It is, however, a by-election which political anoraks will be watching closely (okay we confess, we watch them all closely!).

Should the agreed unionist candidate win, it will be vindication for UUP leader Mike Nesbitt whose decision to back a unionist unity candidate resulted in two of his MLAs, John McCallister and Basil McCrea, quitting the party.  Should the agreed unionist candidate fail to gain more than 30% of the vote, Nesbitt will be deep trouble and the ‘John and Basil Party’ (we’re struggling to help them name their party!) will feel they were right to jump from the UUP ship.

If Francie Molloy should hold the seat, which is highly likely, and increase his party’s share of the nationalist vote in Mid Ulster, it could prompt much internal debate within the SDLP about tactics within the party, and murmurings about the leadership direction.

For Alliance the key will be to equal the share of the vote last time, after so much vitriol being poured their way from various quarters – although whether that translates outside of Belfast remains to be seen.

Juggling the money

EDUCATION Minister, John O’Dowd seems to have become very adept at juggling the money.

Just a few short weeks ago he was able to announce a windfall for new schools, and this week he is raiding the teacher redundancy fund to help cash strapped schools and youth service.

This financial roundabout is, of course, necessary as we have in Norn Iron a bloated school estate, thanks to the multiple types of schools – small rural hole in the hedge schools, Catholic maintained schools, (Protestant) controlled schools, grammar schools, integrated schools etc.

Of course we’re not supposed to call them Protestant or Catholic schools, we have euphemisms for them, but look at the statistics and one type has mainly Protestants and the other type  has mainly Catholics.

And when a rural school is threatened with closure as it has only 30 pupils in P1-P7 and one of them is the school cat, then MLA’s will rise up in indignation, in the same way they do when their expenses cheques are late.

Of course, having a single system, of schooling would solve all that, but don’t be holding your breath. After all he still has to get the Education Bill through the chamber and that’s only about integrating the education boards into one, rather than schooling.

Mr Hay, you have our sympathy

WE have had an office whip round and we’re going to send Assembly Speaker, William Hay a packet of throat lozenges.

The reason? Mr Hay presided over the doomed debate over whether to set up a committee about flegs, speakin’ pictures and badges (flags, language, emblems and symbols for non-Norn Irish speakers).

Rarely has a speaker had to ask for order so many times without telling them all to sit down and shut up. Rarely has a speaker had to remind members not to debate across the floor.

And as to a member speaking for a minute without an intervention – there was little chance of that.

Which really goes to show that on the opposing sides of the house there is still a refusal to emerge from the trenches of the past.

We all already knew that – but it is nice to have your theories confirmed by hard evidence.

Given that MLAs can happily work together on most issues, whether they agree or not, we have to ask why they get so roused about flegs and that type of ‘thing’?

Or we could just flood the chamber with tranquiliser gas everytime they threaten to have one of these debates….

Eye on the Hill

Siberia ‘meat’ locker shocker

DIANE Dodds, the DUP MEP has opened up a new front in the “I can’t believe it’s not beef” scandal.

With worries soaring over horse meat being labelled as beef, Mrs Dodds said she feared a “mammoth problem”. Now that stopped us in our tracks!

We knew Russian scientists had been experimenting in sourcing the DNA of the ancient woolly creature, but are their experiments at such a scale that they are breeding woolly mammoths for export to western Europe?

Or worse, have they been digging up ancient corpses from the Siberian Permafrost? Given the last evidence of a woolly mammoth is from around 10,000 years ago then that is surely meat well past its sell-by date.

But then we remembered that the ‘Young Earth’ creationists amongst the DUP believe the earth was created in October, 4000BC so it’s not that much past its sell-by date…

                                                                                    

Disintegration not integration

WITH Education Minister, John O’Dowd, plugging away on his ‘shared future’ vision of education, Ulster Unionist Party leader, Mike Nesbitt, must find those two words haunting him.

Is it a shared future with his DUP new best buddy Peter Robinson? Or is it a shared future without any MLAs?

Jumping ship this week are John McCallister and Basil McCrea.

The announcement that the DUP and UUP were agreed on fielding an Unionist unity candidate in next month’s Mid-Ulster by-election appears to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

But it is not that the departures were not anticipated.

And they call into question the whole Nesbitt project, with the rancour of these splits now lingering like a bad smell about the party.

To look at it from the other side, a unionist unity candidate was the only expedient option for Mr Nesbitt. Had he ran a UUP candidate, in all likelihood they would have been squeezed and the embarrassment of coming trailing behind the pack would have done as much to credibility as leader as any other option he is facing.

But perhaps what will really stung Mr Nesbitt in John McCallister’s resignation letter was the accusation of being Peter Robinson’s “junior partner”.

The resignations also lead to an intriguing situation, which see the three Independent Unionists (John and Basil with David McClarty) making up an increasingly large group with the TUV and UKIP. And perhaps that is why Basil is dropping less than subtle hints about a new party.

All of which further fragments the non-DUP unionist vote. Whether this can be sustained is, of course, another matter.

And under D’Hondt, at what point does the UUP lose a seat at the Executive table.

Sneaking under the radar

WHILE we have all become pre-occupied by the various disputes and inconveniences around party shenanigans and horse meat scandals there are developments happening in the Assembly that could have wide ramifications.

Not that we’re saying these developments are being deliberately ‘flown under the radar’…

Next Tuesday, the Assembly and Executive Review Committee is discussing, behind closed doors the following: “Review of D'Hondt, Community Designation and Provisions for Opposition”.

Big stuff as any change in D’Hondt will massively effect the position of various parties holding ministerial portfolios.

Also, with the fault lines ever clearer in the Ulster Unionist ranks, will the newly independents be able to form an opposition?

While a plenary debate on health inequalities may seem innocuous enough, the reference in the motion to “restructuring of Government departments” should raise a red flag, given that it is coming close to the point when any re-structuring needs to begin, if it is to be achieved before the next election…and the running of D’Hondt again.