Polls apart

WE want a border poll says Sinn Féin. We don’t want a border poll says the DUP, but then does a volte face and says we’ll hold a border poll to call Sinn Féin’s ‘bluff’.

Then the Secretary of State, Teresa Villers says she has no plans to hold a border poll.Following us so far? If you are can you please help us, because we’re not sure if we’re following any of these to and fro debates on the border poll at all!

And, to add confusion to the chaos that the ordinary fleg protestor may be feeling about any future border poll, we ask you all to consider asking our cousins in the south of Ireland if they want a say.
As one correspondent put it: “Bejayssus and begorrah do ye not tink we have enough feckin’ problems without you lot!” Okay, our correspondent was Mrs Brown after she conducted a poll of her ‘boys’, but leaving stupid cultural stereotypes aside the debate over a border poll is rather one-dimensional.

It is almost like the headlines for Prime Minister Cameron’s pledge to hold a referendum on the EU, saying it would be an in/out poll, which frankly made it sound like a big version of the hokey cokey…”You put your europhiles in, you put your sceptics out, in, out, in out and you shake it all about.”

Therefore we believe that the border issue should not be settled by a poll, but by a series of playground games, with younger voters contesting it on Xbox.

That way the participants are not likely to ever be troubled by the deep meaningful issues about consequences, constitution, currency or economics.I know I put that money somewhere…


I know I put that money somewhere…
MINISTER for Finance, Counting and Personality…sorry we meant Minister for Finance and Personnel, Sammy Wilson, this week found himself dispensing largesse, but he was not too happy about it. In fact he was rather miffed.

You see the Minister found that has pockets were bulging in December, unlike city centre traders. This was all because departments throughout the Executive had not spent as much as they said they would.

In a rational world this would be a cause for celebration – money has been saved, let’s all party because Sammy has been telling us to save money and we did it!

But this is not the rational world of government accounting. Nope – we enter a parallel world.

In twilight zone occupied by Whitehall Treasury mandarins and the bean counters at Stormont, when you are going to spend a billion you damn well spend a billion! Spend a penny less and the centre wants it back.

Now there may be many reasons why a department may or may not be able to spend their allocated budget. Perhaps a new development has been running behind schedule. Perhaps people have not been as sick as you had planned. Perhaps there is a judicial review on your road plans.
No matter the cause, you are handing back the unspent dosh in what is rather ominously called a ‘monitoring round’.

And then, like this week, Sammy finds himself with his cupeth overfloweth and needing to get rid of it quick before the men in the pinstripe suits from the Treasury come knocking.

So Sammy was able to hand the Department of Regional Development almost £18m for a new set of 42 buses and road maintenance, which translates in plain English, as a lot of roads being dug up in March.

And if you’re sick, fear not for £10m is going towards accident and emergency services.  But who was named and shamed by Sammy Wilson for not spending enough. Well it just so happened to be the Housing Executive and Social Security Agency, who are parts of the Department of Social Development…


We need Bob the Builder! Stat!
RIGHT Bob the Builder, John O’Dowd has a few wee jobs for you and you need to get to it right away.

Yes, magic mathematician, Education Minister O’Dowd has been once again proclaiming the pressures on his educational budget and announcing £220m worth of building projects for schools across Norn Iron, with an offer of £40m for schools that missed out on the current bonanza.

We should explain that day-to-day running of schools, teaching sums and speaking proper English and Gaeilge comes from a different budget than the budget for building – known as a capital budget.

Which is why the magic mathematicians around O’Dowd can put the contracts out for Bob the Builder and all his talking machinery friends to start talking to planning, environmental and other consultants  about building new schools? Whether there will be enough money to actually build or run the schools…well that’s another story.

Mr O’Dowd said it was “good news for the construction industry”. Hooray! Especially in a week when the number of benefit seekers has not seen any real reduction over the past 12 months and may indeed be creeping up.

The conundrum therefore is, despite the potential impact of welfare reform, there is likely to be a steady creep in the number of claimants leading to further financial spending squeeze on capital projects such as school building.

But hopefully Bob the Builder can get to work, once the Chancellor’s announced what Norn Iron’s going to get in the next spending period!


Salvation is at hand!
FORGET all our woes, the end is in sight!

Yes, there may be more than 500m barrels of oil in the sea floor near Rathlin Island, so we can expect Ballycastle to become a boom port and Portrush and Portstewart to become residential centres for oil barons.

US forces will parachute in to keep warring factions apart, and the Union Jack and Tricolour will be flown at interfaces by fur coated wearing women and Armani suited men.

The Assembly will vote to let Norn Iron to become the next state in the United States of America, and we will become members of OPEC and enjoy regular visits to the Arab gulf states on private jets, before nipping off to see our oil rich overlords in Texas.

The fact that the exploration company bears the same name ‘Polaris’, as a nuclear armed missile system is surely only a coincidence and nothing to do with any armed takeover of Norn Iron…well we hope it’s not, but recently there have been a lot of American accents to be heard around our tourist attractions on the north coast.  Again, surely only a coincidence…

Eye on the Hill

All aboard the Nolan boat!

HE is a man with broad shoulders and a man who makes a work ethic look like a lifetime of idleness (he works seven days a week on BBC Radio Ulster and Radio Five Live as well as his TV appearances), but this week it was a rocky road rather than a rocky biscuit in the Nolan studio

As the ‘fleg’ protests wended their merry way to destroying Belfast’s economy, the Nolan show teetered on the edge of farce as haranguing and harrying voices expounded ‘views’ on the flags.

Meanwhile the costs mounted up and traders were faced with a road works nightmare on top of the ‘fleg’ protests.

We wholeheartedly support the democratic right of anyone to stage a legal protest and express their opinion, but we have been wrestling with any ways that we can cut through this Gordian Knot.

And, we have come up with one solution. The real or imaginary discovery of oil underneath City Hall requiring its complete and urgent demolition and re-location to somewhere where nobody will be able to see whether it has a flag flying or not. Perhaps beside Parliament Buildings…

The woes of Mike

LIKE A tragedy actor in a Greek play, or a mournful character in a Shakespearian melodrama, Mike Nesbitt must feel like he is presiding over the collapse of a kingdom as intrigue boils around him.

Indeed whether he is King Lear or Gloucester from the same play, remains to be seen.

Not only is one of his most media savvy spokespeople, Basil McCrea, readying himself for a disciplinary hearing, but he felt the dagger of distrust thrust further into his leadership when former north Belfast MLA Fred Cobain jumped ship to the DUP.

Mr Cobain may have lost his UUP seat in north Belfast, but this defection means the UUP is effectively side-lined in a swathe of the city, leaving it with no profile in this divided constituency.

How much of this can be laid at the door of Nesbitt is a matter of proportionality. Is his leadership style to blame? Is the ambiguity over relationships with the DUP to blame? Or was the party in terminal decline before he took up the reins.

Mr Nesbitt may feel that the time is right to make his “shrink to grow” aim more solid while he still has some elected representatives to rally round the banner.

Lifetime use for recycled statements

Minister for the Environment, Alex Attwood has been able to pass through the Assembly the ‘Bag Tax” meaning that each carrier bag will cost you five pence when dispensed to you by your friendly supplier of beef and horse burgers.

Mr Attwood said this would clean up the hedgerows from unsightly mess and project the image of Norn Iron as “clean and green”. Of course the protestors will no doubt see the description of Norn Iron as ‘green’ an affront requiring more demonstrations.

And as to Norn Iron being clean…council and road service staff will be out in the early hours in case anyone notices the broken bricks, scorched tarmac and carpet of broken glass post-riots.

But we also hope Mr Attwood will place a levy on recycled statements from MLAs, MPs and councillors.

Eye on the Hill

New riot college announced

THE Police Service and Fire and Rescue Service are to have one big college, as planning permission to have it built on a massive site somewhere well away from Belfast has now been given.

We got to thinking (too much caffeine!) that this could solve all our problems.

No doubt there will be riot training for officers, with mock streets. After all, police and fire service personnel need to ensure that they are up-to-speed on how to deal with civil disorder.

And, just today a leading East Belfast cleric told the Belfast Telegraph that “kids” enjoy rioting.

So, why not a couple of times a year bring the “kids” to the new police college and they can throw bricks, bottles, fireworks and petrol bombs at police who can then charge them, arrest them, deploy water cannon etc.

Some officers and rioters might get hurt but outside the walls of the college we can all go along with our normal business, go to work, generate employment and revenue, and partake in democracy.

Now all we need to figure out is when the flag on the new college is to fly…

Breadth of the broad

ULSTER Unionist leader Mike Nesbitt came up with a rather unique turn of phrase when commenting after the Unionist Forum’s inaugural meeting at Parliament Buildings.

He said he welcomed: “The breadth of the representation of the broad unionist family”.

So, something that was really broad had breadth…a point emphasised by Peter Robinson as he claimed it to be the “most representative group in the unionist community to meet in half a century”.

Half a century ago: that would be 1963. That was the year that Viscount Brookeborough stepped down after 20 years in political office after failing to halt economic decline. His place was taken by Terence O’Neill, who met the then Toaiseach, Sean Lemass. Two years after taking office the first embers or turmoil stirred and the Troubles followed quickly after.

We wonder about that reference by the unionist leaders. The protests that followed the meetings with Lemass saw street agitation from the Rev Dr Ian Paisley, the predecessor of Mr Robinson. It’s a curious sort of parallel to make….

Cold house for the Housing Executive

BEFORE the awkwardness of a confrontation on the floor of the Assembly, Social Development Nelson McCausland has announced the axe is to fall on the Housing Executive with as much as haste as possible when he has figured out the detail…

Generally everyone agrees that there is a need for social housing. How is this is delivered is where Mr McCausland has identified a potential for change.

In a nutshell, policy is to be delivered by a strategic oversight public body and the Housing Executive’s landlord function will transfer out of the public sector.

This is supposed to be completed by 2015…

Young people get hammered again

AS children, the older folk among us used to enjoy nothing more than putting a shilling into a one armed bandit slot machine and pulling the big handle down to see if we won a half crown.

Later as young people we had the new slot machines aligned with space invaders games where we could throw the new-fangled decimal coins into to see if we won a pound.

Now those spoil sports at social development are stopping young people gambling on gaming machines! Bah, humbug indeed!

It’s part of a general reform of gambling laws, and while we fear that the coming generations will never get the thrill of losing tuppence on a gaming machine, it is generally a long overdue and welcome piece of tidying up, with issues such as making a ‘bet’ at a bookmaker a legally binding contract.

Eye on the Hill

Merry Protests and a happy redundancy notice

So here it is merry Xmas,
Everybody's burning cars,
Look to the future, and
Unemployment in our bars...
(Sung to the tune of Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody")

So in Christmas 2012 and while the Mayan prediction for the end of the world has yet to come to pass, the prospect of economic growth, once the 'flegship' policy of the Northern Ireland Executive, lies limp on the flagpole of unfettered protests.

And after seven hours of talks, our political leaders managed a few short paragraphs of the strictly bland variety. No doubt Messers Robinson and McGuinness worked marvels on their trips abroad but can one see foreign direct investors rushing to set up shop here as protests paralyse our ‘wee country’.

Tonight, more protests are planned with the intention of bringing much of the country to a standstill. For the thousands flying home for the festive season, there must be a temptation to hop right back on to the return flight.

For those of us who remember the worst of the dark days, we know that this is but an inconvenience, compared to the 70's, 80's and early 90's. But in a connected, social media world of 2012 it is a sure thing that the image of masked protestors has been seen in every far flung corner.

The leaders of the mainstream unionist parties may wring their hands but for more than a dozen days of protests they have not been able to put the genie back in the bottle.

At a time when polling showed significant support for the status quo, all that has been achieved has been confusion amongst our political leaders and despair from the business man and woman. At a time when bars, restaurants and shops should be counting profits during the economic downturn they are counting cancellations and over-stocked shelves.

Protesters have talked about an erosion of British identity as if it was a rock to worn down by the attrition of nationalist wind and rain.

The irony of course is that the educational under-achievement in many 'working class' areas of Northern Ireland, particularly Belfast, means that the very protestors, and their neighbours on the other side of the interface, are ill-equipped to ride out the maelstrom of economic maladies.

Maybe there is a silent wish from some of our leaders that the Mayan prophecy would have saved them a lot of hassle in 2013...

And a very happy holiday to you all

ALL of us at Chambré Public Affairs wish you a very Merry Christmas, festive good wishes and a happy New Year.

So long as the Mayans are wrong, we'll see you all in 2013, when we will once again be at your service for professional public affairs and communications support. And, remember, as the song says, ‘things can only get better’.

No virus found in this message.

Eye on the Hill

Frack aff!

WELL the UK Government has decided that sustainability in gas supply has over-ridden environmental concerns, and the hydraulic fracturing of gas shale (otherwise known as ‘fracking’) should be permitted in several areas of the UK.
Gasps of horror from environmentalists, gasps of delight from the fracking companies ensued.

Here in Norn Iron we do pay over the odds for gas (or so it seems when the bill lands with a thud on the doormat) but we also have some green and pleasant land of our own.
So green and so pleasant that the G8 is de-camping to the lush county of Fermanagh next year – and you can bet any drill rigs will not be put up before then.

Whether they are ever erected to suck the gas from deep in the bowels of the earth remains, according to our very own Minister for the Environment, Alex Attwood, a decision for the Assembly.
Mr Attwood insists that the permission to frack will depend on a lot of planning processes and may end with a public inquiry. Green Party MLA, Steven Agnew will no doubt be pushing that all the way.

Who in the end will have the greenest credentials? And who will claim the credit should lots of new jobs be created in Fermanagh (and Leitrim).

For sale – job lot of Government
“ORDER, Order!”
I’ll take two cars and a dishwasher please!”

This could be the conversation in some government departments as lots of state property deemed surplus to requirements come under the auctioneers hammer. The aforementioned cars and dishwasher are joined by chainsaws, property in Co. Down and a variety of other assorted items.

The auctions have netted public finances around £3m so far, and David McNarry is now asking other departments to tell how they disposed of assets to see if anymore can be auctioned off. We can think of a few MLAs who might be considered as being surplus to requirements (no names).

But what is a more urgent requirement is for Government to tell us when the next auction is taking place! Mr McNarry’s questions have revealed that there are some very tasty bargains to be had, and one of those chainsaws would be perfect under the Christmas Tree for ‘er indoors’ to carve the turkey with.

Fly the Flag

BEEN on a protest? Been in a traffic jam? Received a death threat? Did you do your Christmas shopping online rather than risk the city centre? Then you too have been part of the unfolding of the flag debacle.

On and on it goes and nobody knows where it will end.
Even the DUP are getting a wee bit fed up, as trader after trader complains about lost revenue and more angry motorists clog up the airwaves. Admittedly the protests seem to be causing slightly less mayhem over the past two days, but we’re not holding our breaths for them diminishing.

The first political casualty (metaphorical, thankfully not literal) of the ongoing dispute is the removal of the UUP whip from Lagan Valley MLA Basil McCrea. If leader Mike Nesbitt continues along these lines there will be nobody to whip into shape and self-flagellation will be the only course of action open to him.

Whatever happens from now on, allying the party with the DUP and street protestors could be a move that may damage the UUP at the polls next time out. Meanwhile, with the whip removed Mr McCrea is taking the Christmas period to reflect on his position in the party. While Basil shops around his position on the Committee for Employment and Learning will be up for grabs in the January sales.

It’s the magic number…
IS seven the magic number for Stormont? While the temper tantrums of both ‘sides’ vent on the streets, and police officers begin to recover from injuries and trauma, the reform of government departments has taken a step forward.

A report from the Assembly and Executive Review Committee came up with the number seven.

In simple terms the departments of health, education and justice stay, as does OFMDFM with some reform of its function.
The other three departments are a hilarious shoe-horning of functions that in a Faustian pact of expediency one day may make sense.

We have a proposed Department of the Economy. Sounds like a good idea, but this department may be subject to global forces beyond its control, and experience negative growth while the triple dip recession has run out of Taramasolata.

We have the Department of Agriculture, Environment and Rural Development: which no doubt will be running up and down the A5 fighting legal battles, while revolt from farmers and the entire population west of the Bann threatens the environment with a surplus of banners and placards.

We then have indecision. For the committee suggested a Department for Urban and Social Development or a new Department of Communities/Communities and Social Welfare/Community, Housing and Local Government.

We don’t even know where to start with that bonfire of the vanities. Pistols at dawn between the Permanent Secretaries, loser gets one of those two monstrosities. MLAs will be seen fleeing from the Stormont Estate lest they end up on the committee scrutinising that lot…

One way or another it seems that the current 12 departments will be down to seven. It is now only a matter of time. There will be viability studies, consultations, reports as officials are “seen to be doing something” and the two larger parties attempt to cut a deal.

Eye on the Hill...

Politicians falling over themselves…

WHILE political leaders have been wrong-footed before, it seems that this week someone tied their laces together. All hues of the spectrum have been tripping over themselves like a Premier League striker trying to win a penalty.

While it is always difficult to imagine scenarios in advance, especially on issues such as flags and symbolism, upon which emotions run deep in this tiny part of planet earth, the ensuing violence and intimidation is depressing.

This lack of political leadership, co-operation and courage is lamentable and in stark contrast to the majority of the long suffering citizens who got up on Friday morning and went to work as normal.

While the folks on the hill have been so intent on falling out, whilst Belfast City Council got its knickers knotted, and east Belfast foments with 'outrage' over the union flag, in general the good people of our wee country got into their cars, boarded buses, took the train and got on with their lives.

While a dangerous game of one-up-manship takes place, death threats issued and social media abuzz with sectarian vitriol, hundreds of ordinary workers from engineering firms and other businesses are facing redundancy and concerned with how to continue to provide for their families.

Trade missions that promised so much will have those same foreign investors thinking twice about Northern Ireland, and wondering if it is all worth it after all?

It makes us question - what is at the nub of it?

Is it the fact that the Alliance Party has gained a foothold in east Belfast prompted a reaction from unionist parties?

Is it the fact that the Alliance Party is flexing its muscles too much?

 

Is it the fact that Belfast City Council no longer has an overall unionist majority?

Is it the fact that symbols mean so much that they have become sacred cows, never to be touched?

Is it really that a flag flown atop of Belfast City Council 365 days a year, has been taken down on all but a few designated days?

We could look at all these questions and never get the same answer from two people.

We also don’t want to ascribe blame, but we must note the fact that the economy in Northern Ireland does not need scenes of a political party’s constituency offices burnt out. It does not need scenes of police being assaulted on one side of the City Hall while fearful shoppers abandon the continental christmas market because of the disturbances on the other side.

And as we look forward with a certain amount of trepidation to Monday's debates at Stormont, we can only hope that our politicians refocus on the issues of the economy they repeatedly claim to be focused on. We hope things now moves to a period of talk, talk, not war, war.

Budgets in fall?

AUTUMNAL statements from the government are somewhat of a curate's egg, bits are good and bits are bad. The ever influential 'markets' barely reacted to Mr Osbourne's statement and while newspaper headlines variously warned of or acclaimed the impact nothing much else happened on the wider stage.

Even our finance minister, Sammy Wilson was somewhat muted in his response, but then he has bigger fish to fry. While the money pledged to the Executive for capital investment is no doubt welcome, the ongoing consequences of rows over public sector pensions and getting the welfare reform ducks in a row with Westminster's timetable, is perhaps why Wilson was so guarded in his comments… unless you count the chancellor letting the NI electricity generators of the hook when it comes to the carbon cost floor [Editor’s note: ????].

Yes, we understand it, but we have neither the time nor inclination to spend our time writing out an explanation that would ultimately bore you (hey we are genuinely interested in this type of issue, but even we grow a little heavy eyed when the explanation comes around!)

However, the basic issue is that energy bills will not rise by the heading spinning 10-20% had not Mr Wilson won this concession on the carbon cost floor.

Other good news, and one that must have the number crunchers at the Department of Finance and Personnel and the economists at Invest NI frothing over their calculators, is the reduction in corporation tax. Unfortunately the reduction is not exclusively for NI, but across the UK, but still it is a step in the direction the Executive must want.

We believe that on hearing this news the entire Executive went on to Google, checked out where the nearest Starbucks was and ordered some Christmas presents on Amazon. Oh, hold on it seems those companies have a somewhat controversial record in terms of paying their corporation tax into the UK exchequer’s coffers.

Hi Ya Hilary!

BOUT ye Hilary! How ya doin? Big Bill okay? Sorry about the mess, but listen could you do us a wee favour? You're sure? Great! What is it? Yeah, can you please clear off while we have a wee local difficulty to sort out!

No offence madam secretary of state, but having all those media types here when we've a few uncivil, civil disturbances isn't doing anybody any favours.

You see we can normally have these spats cleared up in a day or so, without it being covered globally.  We just had the media over for the traditional summer rioting pageants to offer them some little local colour stories.

But coming so close to Christmas, when the lights have already been switched on, it’s not such a good move.

Think about it! Would it not have been better to come over when you knew for certain that there would have been no riots, civil disturbances, ugly rows and general huffiness? It would have been a much smarter move.

That way you could still have trumpeted about how you and yer hubbie played such a big role in delivering peace to Norn Iron and announced you were running for President....oh did we let that secret out! Damn!

Eye on the Hill

Gr8 to have G8
THE world is a big place. You may think it is a long drive from Belfast to Portrush, or from Bangor to Newry but that does not even give you a sense of scale compared to the world. The journey from Omagh to Lisburn may seem tortuous but it is but a small jaunt on the global scale.

And in this great big world there are a lot of people – really there are billions of them. And there are hundreds and thousands of reporters wanting to cover the great and the good. And frankly, we can’t see them all fitting into Fermanagh.

Fields will be rented for a tented village of reporters; and the reporters will want to rent the next-door field for protesters ready to burn a village in protest at something or another.

Yes, Prime Minister David Cameron announced last week that the G8 is coming to the land of lakes and mists, the mystical land of Fermanagh…

With the Big Cats of the world economies coming prowling there will be thousands of support staff, thousands of security personnel and thousands of reporters. In the course of research (we looked up Wikipedia) we discovered that the county of Fermanagh covers 715 square miles. Taking away the watery bits of Lough Erne, that leaves insufficient dry land for all the prime ministers, presidents and global brokers.

We have two concerns. One, can all the dissident ‘terrorist’ numpties and riot addicts please go away and not try to represent Norn Iron up as something it is not.

The second is that Fermanagh translates as ‘men of the monks’. We hope that the global leaders keep the spirit of faith, hope and charity to the fore as they make their moves on the economic chessboard.

We also hope that our stall selling exclusive G8 World tour t-shirts, the GR8 Ulster Breakfast Fry-up and bags of Tayto Cheese ‘n’ Onion crisps will attract the appropriate passing trade.

Knock, knock…
“KNOCK, Knock!” “Who’s there?” “Joe.” “Joe who?” “Joe Public.”

“Sorry, but you can’t come in.”

“Why not?” “You just can’t.” “Why?” “Just because we said so.”

We dream of a time of total accountability, when transparent government is transparently delivered, for all to muse over the findings, decisions and progress.

Then we woke up and the dream was gone, replaced by the closed doors of committee meetings in Parliament Buildings.
This week just past had five meetings of committees which were all or in part closed to members of the public. While one, a briefing on legal advice, was legitimately closed to avoid prejudicing any future action, others varied from the sublime to the ridiculous.

On the ridiculous side the Ad Hoc Committee on Conformity with Equality Requirements: Welfare Reform was listed as: Closed from 2.34pm (2 mins), suspended from 2.36pm (1 mins), closed from 2.37pm (4 mins), and public from 2.41pm (31 mins). Look it up on the Assembly website and that is exactly what is says!

The Business Committee was also closed for three minutes, but the Justice Committee was closed in total, for the entire evidence session with Attorney General John Larkin QC on the criminal law on abortion, while the Committee for Education was closed for a 25 minute session with the Assembly Bill Office.

The week before there were three closed committee sessions, and the week before that there were a further three closed sessions.

Now, apart from commercial confidentiality, protecting individual’s identity in relation to personnel matters and ongoing legal matters there should be no circumstances when any part of Assembly proceedings are closed to voters and taxpayers.

When a session is closed it only piques the curiosity! An open session is more likely to be disregarded unless it is something that affects you, or in our case, our clients. But close the doors and the very nature of our beings mean we feel the urge to know more. And in the wake of Leveson and the BBC scandals there will be too few willing to ask the searching questions…

On a sickie
OH dear, oh dear, oh dear, we’re sorry to hear that you are sick, and please get well soon.

That must be the sentiment resounding round the corridors of the civil service, as once again we learn that it has missed its target of an average of 10 days sickness. It may be down from previous years, but it still is over that mythical target of 10 days average.

You will be pleased to know that the Department of Health has the lowest average days off sick, which is sort of to be expected.

The Department of Justice is the worst offender, with an average 12.6 days off on a sickie.

But we now ask the ladies to put down the cudgels, set aside the dirty looks and forgive us. We are duty bound to point out that women take more sickies than men. This is not us saying this, so you can stop throwing hairbrushes now! It is the NI Statistics and Research Agency!

We also could not help but note that the largest number of people who are off sick are those who are absent because of anxiety, stress, depression or other psychiatric illnesses.

While we would all like to see a bigger private sector in Northern Ireland, the constant stream of criticism about the public sector may be having a real tangible impact in the era of austerity.

In simple terms if you cut staff in an office, less people are doing the same amount of work. It is inevitable that the workload will create a more stressful environment, leading to higher levels of sickness. And then the civil servants are told their wages are too high and their pensions are inflated, making the stressed more stressed  by implied guilt.

Rather than dwell on the rights and wrongs is it more appropriate to ask how this is being managed at senior level. If reductions are being made, how is this being compensated for in productivity and how are Executive ministers communicating this?

The answer…nobody knows!
 

We’re all a little bit more cautious in 2012
THERE used to be a certain gay abandon that Northern Ireland’s populace frolicked through their lives, never fearing that a trip, sporting accident or paper cut would lead them to pain and agony.

We had our world famed health service, with trauma specialists, kindly junior doctors and skilled nurses on hand to apply a sticking plaster, weave a few cunning stitches and bring the recently dead back to life with a few hundred volts.

The days when we could turn up with an ailing child or ill grandparent and be greeted with a concerned gaze and ushered into a cubicle now seem to be something from bygone halcyon days of idyllic pastures when all the summers were sunny and snow came every Christmas.

Now turn up at an A&E department it is like you have turned up at military field hospital; trolleys filled with the merely very ill, cubicles filled with the really, really ill, ambulances backed up outside and if you are lucky and you’re only just seriously injured you might get seen the next day.

Reports that circulated last week showed that not one of Northern Ireland’s A&E departments was meeting the four hour target to treat patients.

Many reasons have been espoused as to why this had happened. The closure of the Belfast City Hospital A&E department; the lack of junior consultants, registrars and other staff wanting to pursue a career in emergency medicine being among some of the reasons.

Health minister, Edwin Poots, has been among those in the firing line; although to be fair one retired consultant told the BBC that every time Mr Poots or other officials were due to appear, a purge was undertaken and fresh bleach was sprinkled over the place, so maybe the minister didn’t see the true picture.

But really we were staggered when the report acclaimed that there were less people waiting 12 hours or more for treatment. Surely they are kidding! Surely this is a joke!

What reason can there be for remarking about anyone having to wait in an A&E department for more than 12 hours?

We can only presume that managers at health trusts are trying to pre-empt any privatisation scheme by charging patients waiting more than 12 hours hotel rates.

Why else can anyone with any managerial nouse really allow this to continue? MLAs and ministers may rant, but ultimately the management of the system must be improved. We already have out-of-hours GP’s services, we have a plethora of information on the internet from trusted sites like NHS direct, but none of this will stop sportsmen and women being injured. None of this will stop older people needing emergency admission because of respiratory failure.  None of this will stop fractures because of slips on icy ground. None of this will stop industrial accidents or road traffic crashes.

So Northern Ireland’s health trusts need a plan to reduce this. Shiny new buildings and calling a few beds an ‘admissions ward’ are not enough.

We suggest that Minister Poots with colleagues on the Stormont health committee arrive at Northern Ireland’s A&E departments unannounced a couple of evenings, then call the managers to join them on the frontline. However, we won’t be there as we really cannot stand the sight of blood.

Four packets of fags
FOUR packets of 20 cigarettes, six pints or a half decent two-course meal in a city centre snazzy eaterie. That’s the cost to all of us for legal aid cases.

Yep – Minister for Justice David Ford has his beady eye on the legal community and the costs of legal aid once again.
According to recent reports, legal aid costs every person in Norn Iron £29.28 compared to a cost per person of £11.26 in bonny Scotland.

And it is in civil cases that legal aid also seems to be costing us a small fortune. For those of us with a memory span greater than an MLAs, last year solicitors and barristers went on strike when Minister Ford cut legal aid in criminal cases. Will we see a similar lefty response from the bewigged and besuited?

They’ve already told news outlets that as barristers are so smart and intelligent it is only they who can represent the most vulnerable in society and that they are the guardians or truth, justice and nice homes in North Down.

In a head to head, who do we fancy in this fight? Minister Ford gets the popular vote; the legal eagles get the grudging support of unions backed by the Law Society and Bar Council, and it seems like a stand-off.

But which brave barrister and stout solicitor will stand firm in the face of the rage from a resident of the Falls or Shankill Road who is told that they are on strike. Which, legal firm will have the courage to say to the claimant that they’re withholding services  in a wages row to an unemployed worker owed back wages. If they do, we salute you Mr and Ms Legal Eagle (and any strike should last about a week and two Nolan shows….).

Eye on the Hill

Paddles will be provided…

IN an attempt to reduce soaring losses on the Portaferry to Strangford ferry the Department for Regional Development has announced that in future all travellers will be issued with long oars, sit on benches and help row part of the way as the Minister for Regional Development, Danny Kennedy, beats out the rhythm on a drum made from the cold dead bones and the flesh of officials.

Well it worked in Ancient Greece?

Yes, this week it emerged that the essential ferry across Strangford Lough has lost £4m over the last three years, and while the DRD says the ferry will still make its merry way across the lough they were looking at making savings.

While we still reckon issuing passengers with oars is a viable option, we may need to consider a few wee matters first of all. Like why did no-one notice for three years that it was making a loss? Or, if they did, did they not think to let anyone know?

Cutting down the number of sailings has already been rejected by local representatives, so various other options have to be considered. Narrowing the lough would upset the green lobby so we thought that the minister should take off his cap and use the same approach in getting funding for the recently opened bridge over Carlingford Lough - go with his cap  in hand to Europe. If that is not an option, we know a place that can sell you a job lot of oars.

Busy times

IT’S all go at the Assembly next week with all manner of fun and games – sometimes we wonder why we ever complained about the boring nature of business there.

With our First Minister and deputy First Minister on a trade mission in China, it seems the MLAs took turn to line up some rows, fights and general disagreements.

The beaming duo has said there are dozens of leads for local companies – an achievement in itself, given the competition across the globe for the burgeoning Chinese market.

With so much gloomy news on the job front, any lead is worthwhile, especially as our MLAs warm up for the week ahead.

One person defiant is Jim Wells, veteran DUP MLA, who is facing a vote of censure after making some allegedly un-parliamentary remarks to a former special adviser to culture minister Carál Ní Chuilín.

The motion of censure is being brought not by Sinn Féin. Nor is it being tabled and brandished by the SDLP… No those renowned hardliners the Alliance Party will see their colleague and deputy chair of the Committee on Standards and Privileges, Kieran McCarthy table the motion.

Leaving this matter aside (well until Monday when we can watch it on car crash television, or as we prefer to call it Assembly live) we cannot but wonder where any such future votes will come from.

Will the DUP censure the UUP for being, well, being the UUP? Will the SDLP sanction Sinn Féin for overtly being sanctimonious? Will Steven Agnew of the Green Party censure the entire Assembly for making him sit next to TUV leader Jim Allister?

Or will the electorate censure the lot of them at the next Assembly election.

Happy Mondays

THE start of the week always sees a run of Assembly business with the first of two weekly plenary sessions, when members seek to make a point to the wider chamber in the often vain attempt to get an executive minister to agree with their position.

Last week we had boxing, building and diabetes amongst the private members debates, while on Monday child poverty, cross-border education and employment law were considered in the chamber.

How we wait with bated breath for the outstanding delivery of MLAs, their use of rhetorical devices and the magnificence of lingual dexterity.

So we decided to seek some gems from our elected representatives during recent debates. To paraphrase the old TV show only the names have been changed…but of course you can always check the official report. Here’s a couple of samples:

“To be honest, I do not fully understand VAT” – well in that case why refer to it?

“We have not seen the worst of it yet”   - happy thoughts!

“They bring it on themselves. They eat too much, they drink too much and they do not take enough exercise” – Ministerial comment on people with Type 2 Diabetes or about his fellow MLAs?

Each and every plenary session is filmed and recorded and transcribed into the official report.  You can therefore easily set yourself to enjoy next weeks’ gems from our elected representatives! What? You say you can’t because you “have a life”.  Ahh well that means once more your faithful servants at Chambré PA will be on hand to scrutinise the debates for our clients and review those issues of concerns up in yon big house at the top of the hill.

Commendable but unrealistic

ONE has to commend Dr William McCrea MP for bringing a debate on suicide to the floor of the Commons – it is an awful scourge on Northern Ireland. However, we do wonder how realistic is his proposal to ask internet service providers (ISPs) to block access to suicide websites.

It takes no great skill for anyone with rudimentary web skills to get round web blocks and use a variety of methods to access sites – whether they be gambling sites, illegally downloaded music, pornography or social media – that are supposed to be blocked by ISPs and work place firewalls.

Indeed this isn’t the first time that proposals to block suicide websites has been brought up – former health minister Michael McGimpsey also sought the same block.

However, as commendable as this proposal is, perhaps it is looking at the symptom not the cause.

Mental health services have been struggling with the issue of suicide and depression for many years. With unemployment and the consequences of the downturn – not to mention welfare reform – biting ever harder experts in psychiatry and psychology are warning of more people suffering stress, dealing with severe depression and all the ingredients potentially leading to attempting to take their own lives.

 In this context, Dr McCrea should be lobbying our own health and social care minister, pressing our education minister to ensure that good mental health policies are in place in our schools, and urging the Executive to ensure the full implementation of the Bamford recommendations on mental health.

Eye on the Hill

Well it was all in the back of the cupboard…

LYING around, somewhere, in the coffers of the Northern Ireland Executive is a stash of cash, from which the Executive pulled £200m this week.

The money is being ploughed into an economic and jobs package. For this the Executive should be applauded.

Any initiative that sees jobs and training boosted, while helping the hard pressed construction sector gets a wee hand by speeding up school building and road projects is to be welcomed.

But where does one find £200m in these cash-straitened times? It not exactly new money and in subsequent media, there was a suggestion that it will come from some of the monies that departments weren’t going to spend. Rather than handing it back to the Treasury, better to invest it.

As Gordon Brown would say, this is prudence at the heart of government.

A larger mystery, however, has emerged in the wake of the announcement…on any given day in any given country this type of investment would have been trumpeted and analysed in the media for a week.

Here in Norn Iron, rather than celebrate this, the focus has been on doom facing sector ‘a’, while sector ‘b’ is in free-fall or some such cliché.

It seems that in the absence of a good old political feud the newsrooms are rather pre-occupied with a determined race to the lowest common denominator.

Wants it all before he’s 17…

THERE is a line in a song from the 1970s, which goes: “just a kid with a crazy dream, wants it all before he’s 17”. Now while that may be a yearning for success, it is not clear that the “kid” wanted to be a participant in democracy.

However, in these less decadent days, the urge to rock ‘n’ roll excess has been tempered by the lure of fifteen minutes of fame on the Simon Cowell production line of talentless media whores and…the desire to vote from the age of 16.

This week, a majority of MLAs voted to lower the voting age from 18 to 16. Not that this will happen any time soon without Westminster’s say so. The lowering of the voting age for the Scottish referendum seems to have been part of negotiations between Salmond and Cameron. And the Tories have not been the party of progressive extension of the franchise in past times.

There is, however, a compelling argument to lower the voting age. (Well we think it’s compelling!)

By the time the average teenager has emerged from the exuberance of 13, they have become a wonderfully sullen bulk of a proto-adult, occasionally capable of conversation and normally engrossed in ‘gaming’, unfulfilled desires and the urgent need to do everything that they’re not allowed to do until they are 18, like buy booze…and vote.

The one thing that we did note during the fascinating debate in the Assembly was the failure to deploy any scientific, psychological evidence, or seek evidence from the wonderful world of neuroscience. We didn’t either, but you get our point.

Much was said about maturity, and much was said about the issues on the age when a teen can legally buy a lager, watch an 18 certificate movie, or play an 18-rated computer game. We hate to break it to the members of the assembly but observing the real world only briefly we know that a significant proportion of 16-year-olds have downed an alcopop, watched an 18-rated DVD or played a gore-riddled computer game…they have also probably watched some really dodgy material on the internet.

The facts of this show that regulation in these areas does not work effectively; that speaks more about the regularity framework, parental supervision and what a 16 or 17-year-old is capable of absorbing and digesting and acting upon. Despite the birth of violent computer games we have yet to see the streets of our wee country ripped asunder with teenagers on crime sprees á la Grand Theft Auto.

Thus, it seems the average teen can distinguish between reality and fiction. Therefore, we judge that the average teenager will be able to tell the difference between an MLA’s reality and the reality of life as a 16-year-old, which makes them almost the perfect voter.

Educmakhasion

APPARENTLY we’re putting pupils first; that is according to the latest educational initiative from the Department of Education.

Far be it from us to criticise this, no doubt, well intended vision of our ‘learning’ system, delivered at a timely juncture with the Education Bill being considered. But we have a major problem with the title of this plan.

‘Putting Pupils First’ - who else would you put first? The entire education system is designed to provide education for the pupils! If we are now putting pupils first, who was first before the Minister made his Assembly announcement?

And, if we are putting pupils first we wonder will pupils be asked about these wonderful proposals? Dangerous radical times we are in, should we ever ask the people who are being put first to have first say.

We fully anticipate the day when the pupils queue up to give evidence to the Education Committee, rather than the teachers, the officials, the churches, the unions, the department, some bloke from round the corner and a lecturer or two.

Next thing they’ll be talking about shared education…ohh wait a minute! That’s next year’s opportunity to confuse us all about education.

Eye on the Hill

Just go away

REGULAR readers of these articles know that their purpose is to take a light-hearted look at some of the issues on the local political scene, while informing readers of some of the stories they may have missed.

The general tone is that of a wry, not cynical, observer; watching both the successful, and sometimes less than successful, endeavours of our elected representatives and officials to keep the machinations of our “boring politics” ticking along.

This week we were planning on some commentary about the motion on reducing the voting age, the cut in airport tax and how a rich man is debating about child poverty.

That changed on Thursday.

On Thursday gunmen shot and killed prison officer David Black. On Thursday gunmen carried out a planned exercise in barbarity.

With two men arrested, we cannot say much more about the actual crime. But what we can say is that such acts are the product of a mindset that offers nothing in the 21st century.

Whatever way their mindset rationalises their terror campaign, what do they hope to achieve? Better hospital services? An improved education system? More jobs? A united Ireland?

They have become so obsessed with achieving their political aims by the gun; committing atrocities that they hope will de-stabilise devolution, bring back direct rule and provoke a disproportionate response. They want to return to the dark era of the Troubles.

What else are they seeking to achieve? They have not articulated their wants and desires. They have not declared their stance on the voting age. They have not outlined their approach to combating child poverty. In fact, they say very little other than to claim responsibility for their actions; speaking through the barrel of a gun or expressing their views with explosives.

Whatever your politics, such people deserve no place in our society other than to be behind bars.

As policy wonks, we may at times, and in jest, mock those on the Hill, but we join them in condemning the actions of those that would seek to destroy the stability and peace that many have worked hard to achieve.

As has been said before, “boring is good for Northern Ireland”.