Ford fines the boozers

THE ongoing war against booze has seen another executive minister enter into the fray to make sure the Northern Ireland government combats any sense of fun. The days of stumbling, jolly-faced from your local boozer, or having a cheerful can of cheap beer from a blue carrier bag in your local park, are now numbered.

With bans on boozing spreading everywhere, minister of just us, sorry we meant Justice, David Ford has announced that the PSNI are to have the power to fine you £40, if your deemed to be drunk. If you’re disorderly too, the fine is doubled…

 

Of course we have yet to see the definition of ‘drunk’. Is it going be enforced without fear or favour? Will the gates of Ulster Rugby’s Ravenhill have police officers waiting with pads of fine notices as the rugby drunks emerge, and will ‘half cut’ GAA and soccer fans be targeted by overzealous offers as they emerge from Casement Park and Windsor Park.

 

Will we see the Odyssey targeted, night clubs stalked and Belfast’s Golden Mile targeted?

 

Of course, Mr Ford’s rationale is that it costs a lot to take a first offender to court, so slapping him or her with a quick fixed penalty is an easy way to address this.

 

However, there may be difficulties. Will someone at a certain level of drunkenness be able to recall their name, let alone their address? Will the police officer be trained to determine whether the apparently inebriated person have an illness that makes the person appear drunk. Will David Ford claim environment minister Alex Attwood’s crown as ‘minister of no fun’, or is social development minister Nelson McCausland gunning for that role.

 

What is apparent is that political parties who are not known for their policies of abstinence and temperance are those talking about alcohol restrictions.

 

With the supposed consensual coalition that is the Northern Ireland executive, have SDLP and Alliance morphed into mini-DUPers? Are they now implementing a policy that would have been associated with the famous Paisley description of alcohol being the ‘devil’s buttermilk’?

 

Are these populists moves in reaction to calls for alcohol restriction? It all depends what question is being posed. “Do you oppose public drunkenness?” The answer is invariably “Yes” thus gaining a few extra votes along the way. “Do you enjoy an occasional drink” “Yes” being the sensible answer…IT’s all about the question behind the rhetoric.

 

Alcohol is a scourge on our health services, as Edwin Poots in his Health Minister frequently reminds us, and booze companies are always telling us to “enjoy [insert name of tipple here] responsibly” And, therein lies the rub dear reader. After a week listening to the tortuous ‘me too’ games of our executive ministers there is no chance of any sane individual drinking responsibly!

ROAD TRIP!

WE’RE on the road this weekend as the grandees of Sinn Féin and the party faithful gather in Killarney to discuss…well to discuss what is wrong with the world and what they plan to do to put it right.

As (southern) Ireland thinks about whether to vote yes to a treaty or no to a treaty, as Fianna Fáil gets their knickers in a knot about not being anywhere like an effective opposition, all should seem rosy for Sinn Féin at their Ard Fheis.

But, there is the wee thing about being a partitionist party…what! Says you! Shinners as partitionists? Well sort of, they have to deal with the reality of the border as it is, and get on with things, but it’s the economic policy that is causing the confusion.

With Fianna Fáil floundering, Sinn Féin is perceived to be the effective opposition in the Dáil. Just off Merrion Street SF deputies have the opportunity to slam, lambast and tut loudly about cutbacks. In Northern Ireland/Ulster/the Occupied Six Counties they are one of (the many) parties in “Government” and on occasion have to lay the cold dead hand of cuts and closures on public services.

So, how to deal with this dichotomy…well for a start (and we would not wish to put words into their mouths) they could say that Norn Iron’s economy does not require the drastic slash and burn required, because of the failed banks south of the border. Or they could say that they are statesman-like and deal with the political realities, whether they are in Ballymena, Ballyronan or Brussels.

They could also hope that with barely prayers to stave off despair that the Euro doesn’t go belly up over in Greece. Not because of the perilous state that would leave the south’s economy in, but because the British Government might lose billions resulting in more cuts in Norn Iron.

But while they ponder the problems and debate a way forward the chattering masses in Norn Iron want to know…yes want to know who will be the new Junior Minister in the Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister.

With Martina Anderson heading off to assume MEP duties, who will be the new sidekick and/or partner to Jonathan Bell of the DUP…

In the meantime, we’re packing the sandwiches, revising the briefs our clients have given, pouring cool orange juice into flasks and turning the ignition to head off to Killarney!

Dear John,

I hope you are well, and may I be the first to congratulate you on finding the extra £72m for education and all that you are responsible for. This is especially encouraging given that it was a just a few short months ago that you managed to find an extra £100m+ for education.

While we all note that you have warned us that there are tough times ahead for education, this extra money will be a boost to the poor teachers, over-stretched youth workers, early years staff and classroom assistants who all will be assuredly tugging their forelock in grateful appreciation at receiving your largesse.

That you were able to determine the level of need so quickly, once the money became available, demonstrates your immense grasp of complex problems, such as you have shown with your contribution to discussions on the vexatious issue of post-primary transfer.

May I also say that your efforts to prise open the notoriously tight wallet of Finance Minister Mr Sammy Wilson is worthy of a scene in the sequel to Oceans 13 – Stormont 15 – which Northern Ireland Screen should be commissioning shortly if you find your way to securing some more money.

I would also like to commend your sterling efforts in ‘efficiency savings’. Most efficient! To be able to squeeze such efficiencies when you still have five education and library boards and no education and skills authority in place is truly remarkable; especially given your statement in March on how many schools weren’t really viable and that you haven’t been able to close that many as of yet.

So, in congratulating you on being able to secure this extra £72m, can I ask is there any money to spare? Perhaps now that your pockets seem to be brimming with £50 and £20 pound notes you could see your way to…well you know where I am.

Yours sincerely,
Edwin Poots
Minister for Health, Social Services and Public Safety

P.S. Do you have some ‘story’ on Sammy that the rest of the Executive doesn’t know yet?
P.P.S. Remember our wee chat? When are we going to see creationism on the curriculum?
P.P.P.S. Can you send some of your finance people my way, as I need to close a few more hospitals and A&E services, but want to make it sound good.

I, wanna rock ‘n’ roll all night, and party every day

WELL, would you Adam and Eve it but the DUP is getting into the headlines in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways of late…

First we had the first minister at a GAA match and now junior minister Jonathan Bell has uttered the word. Yes that word. Begins with an ‘s’, has a ‘y’ at the end and an ‘orr’ in the middle.

Yes, Mr Bell has apologised for having the sheer temerity of saying that golf clubs may be bastions of middle class bigotry. Next thing he’ll be partying with the kids at a rave and heading to a dark rock club…

But the apology stands to the golf world.

“Hold on,” said one long standing golf club member from the nicer part of Belfast, “Our son Charles has loads of catholic friends – they are amongst the best bar staff the club has ever employed. We’re very forward thinking, you know. Only last year we let a woman in as well!"

Now we’re sure that the vast, vast, majority of people who go to golf clubs are not bigots and members’ rooms are not sectarian hideaways. No, honestly that’s our view.

But Mr Bell has had the good grace to say that he was…”sorry” for the golf club metaphor. He did point to the glaring, bleedin’ obvious fact that this is a divided society, and not just in the parts of Belfast that list rioting as a summer pastime.

We may go to work together, even walk past each other in town, but come nightfall we turn our cars towards the area where we know the people are, largely, of the same religion.

We send our children to schools; the large majority operate as de facto segregated systems.

Employers over a certain size still have to send in lists of their staff’s religious make-up.

Subsequently Sinn Féin junior minister Martina Anderson bite the golf club bullet too and apologised for any misunderstanding. Now each and every golf club can take away the elephant in (the room) the bunker of the fifth hole.

The reality is that our political system, for all the fine words of the people at the ‘top’, remains one that is divided. And whilst we may bemoan this fact, we must face up to that it is we, the electorate, who are to blame. We elect them after all. Now if the middle classes weren’t such a bunch of bigoted bast**ards and a shower of sectarian s**ts then maybe they’d come out to vote and change all that? Nah, not likely to happen.

Executive Swingers

WELL who’d have thunk it that Norn Iron's political elite like a wee bit of swinging, in fact so much that they're sponsoring a festival of swinging on the north coast?

Yes, Peter, Martin and their special friends are putting their money beside the putting green and looking to drive down without a hook or a slice to birdie the last hole...

The Norn Iron Executive has agreed to sponsor the Irish Open Golf Tournament - and to be the title sponsor no less!

So, with Rory 'World's #1' McIlroy and Graham 'Gmac’ McDowell leading the local charge they can be confident that Peter and Marty, plus economy minister Arlene of course, have got their back and are ready with a choice of 105 caddies...

At this point it would be too obvious to ask what their handicaps are, apart from being members of the Norn Iron Executive. But we do believe that collectively they and their executive colleagues would struggle as to whether to choose a wood or an iron; not without a working policy paper, a sub-committee, a consultation and bringing it in front of the relevant committee.

On the other hand, this does seem to be a positive intervention. The tournament was struggling to find a main sponsor, so given the previous track record of the Irish Open being sponsored by the Irish tourist board Fáilte Ireland, it seemed only logical for the Norn Iron Executive to help the European Tour organisers out of the awkward sponsorship bunker.

And, given there is only one Irish Open there should be no problem hunting around for several other competitive quotations.

We're almost as intrigued by what main sponsors receive. According to the European Tour, title sponsors will get global exposure, and a comprehensive benefits package. Does this mean we can tap our MLAs for free tickets? Will this package have to be included in member's register of interest, and finally don't tell social development minister Nelson McCausland about the benefits in case he wants to cut those benefits...!

Consult, consult and then consult again – this time with management consultants

THE health service is in a bit of a mess. We’ve all sort of noticed this if we’ve been near an Accident and Emergency department in recent weeks.

All the good work, all the specialist care, all the dedicated care in the community has been dissipated amidst the mess at the doors of hospital.

The Compton Review has produced a way forward, emphasising the need to have more people receiving care in the community, closing front line hospitals, more minor injury units etc etc.

All sounds well and good…but how would a Health Minister implement such reviews? Bring the best minds in Norn Iron Health Service management together? Bring on board the nurses, doctors, porters, paramedics at the front line to input?

No – bring in management consultants and pay them millions.

And according to Edwin Poots it will be value for money!

The role of the management consultants will be, according to the BBC report on this, to: “provide information such as the number of adults, children and admissions to local hospitals.”

So, to be clear, the management consultants will need the information that bed managers, planning teams, ward teams and other health service staff currently hold, then do some sums as analysis.

Now we respect the roles and talents of management consultants; they perform many valuable services to the public sector. But, in this instance, they may be superfluous.

Surely the millions being spent on the management consultants could be avoided by using the talents of those working in the health service; a health service that we are repeatedly told has too many managers…

We, of course, have a solution – consult on it! After all, if the minister is determined to spend, spend, spend then he might as well spend it on asking the people who use the health service their views!

No way to run a health service?

WELL it seems that all is not well at the good ship that is the health service! First this week came the (not so breaking) news that waiting times in A&E departments were now measured in days rather than minutes – well it feels that way!

Then came the claim that if it wasn’t for us all buying lottery tickets then social care would grind to a halt.

While the mandarins and managers wander the carpeted corridors of Stormont’s Castle Buildings and pace the board rooms of the the health and social care board and various trusts, it seems that the voluntary and community sector has been patching up the system.

The Big Lottery Fund has so far contributed £21m to 200 projects - which any way you care to slice it, is a huge slice of scratch card, EuroMillions and Lottery tickets.

Whilst ideologically the DUP Health Minister Edwin Poots may be against gambling (except when gambling on the effect of closing A&E departments), it seems that he may be quite prepared to profit in his health and social services dealings from the act of gambling…

One has to wonder at the mathematics of this whole thing (and don’t worry there are no differential equations!). You (or your representative) buy a ticket from a licensed vendor of gambling products associated with the lottery. You buy £1 to gamble on a scratch card or a lotto ticket. The lucky winners get a cool 50% slice of your £1 with 5-6% going to the vendor. (Supporting small businesses if you buy from your corner shop…) A further slice (4%) goes to the company that won the tender to run the lottery. We’re not up to speed on the whole payments and tax of it all but we think HMRC gets a 12% cut of your £1 (and a cut from the small business too). That leaves a percentage (say 30% for the sake of argument) that goes to ‘good causes’.

Some of those good causes that benefit provide services in Northern Ireland. Some of those services are in social services. One commentator from the sector worried that more and more the community and voluntary sector were asked to plug the gaps where the state should be providing the service.

So when you take your lottery gamble you can do so in all reassurance that you’re helping to not only provide a service but make sure that Minister Poots is closely aligned to gambling.

Who funds who…

THE row over disclosing donors to Norn Iron’s political parties rose to the heady heights of parody this week.

While Naomi Long pledged to publish the Alliance Party’s donors, Prime Minister David Cameron, said he was willing to publish details of donors to the Conservative Party of Northern Ireland. Both them agreed willingly…

This is a long standing dispute in terms of open democracy. The argument goes: “Of course we’re willing to publish details of donors.” This is then countered by: “If it wasn’t for the security risk”.

Taking a long hard look at things we sort of tried to figure out what the security risk would be. Is it that the dissident movements will scour the lists looking for targets to attack?

This is, of course, a real and present danger for many party funders – the Monster Raving Looney Party are said to be particularly concerned.

However, it is realistic to assume that cowards will seek the softest target who is perhaps not as security conscious as police and army.

But – is this a realistic way to run a country?

Democracy should be based on transparency (something we should all remind MLAs about now and again) and therefore party donations should be made public.

Party donors should not be able to expect influence through donations rather their financial backing should be seen as support for that party’s policies.

And the more open L’il ole Norn Iron is then the less of a foothold the halfwits who take up weapons will have. We’re now away to play John Lennon’s Imagine and throw peace signs and love to our neighbours.

Rolling down the hill

WELL, we’ve gorged on chocolate, hunted the eggs, painted the eggs and wondered what to do with the wrappers, and now it‘s back to business.

MLAs, like teachers, appear to enjoy an extended leave period over the holidays.

However, we all know – or should know – that our elected members do run constituency surgeries, and they and their staff are usually on hand to help members of the public.

There are times when it is appropriate to dig behind the clichéd headlines to find out what really is going on.

It takes little effort for a satirist to poke fun at our MLAs, but in reality we take some effort…

But our folks residing up on the hill do more than enjoy subsidised meals, claim expenses and travel off to foreign parts.

In reality they also hang about committees and once in a while wander into the chamber to vote – even on important matters.

We, however, worry that flags and emblems take up so much time. Yes, they are totems that establish cultural identity for individuals with esteem problems, but they are not the be-all and end-all.

Without constitutional change the border is still there and the Independent Statelet of Norn Iron is not yet on the agenda.

Just recently there was a proposal to run the tricolour up Stormont’s flagpole in an equal pole height with the Union Flag (please note radio callers it is only referred to as the Union Jack on special occasions).

Our health service is crumbling under the weight of its own success of keeping us living longer; the education system has duplication ringing through empty corridors thanks to religious division; we have huge infrastructure projects that have been languishing for years; and, we have an economic vision that is gradually translating into dividends in creative arts and tourism.

Which flag flies in the damp air as rain sweeps across Stormont matters not a whit to these issues, unless you really, really are not paying attention to the global economic conditions and the need to invest…

We’re proposing, right here and right now, a radical approach. When an MLA decides to run such a proposal up the….well up the flagpole…they should have their wages docked.

Yes, create a citizen’s online jury, picked at random, who will decide whether debates on issues not relevant to the real lives outside the lush green lawns of Stormont.

If such a citizen’s jury decides that a particular debate or no-named day motion is daft, a £500 should be taken off the proposer pay packet. That should stay the waffling for a while.

What it makes it more ironic in the debates like this is that MLAs actually are doing some crucial work.

This coming week the Assembly will debate the public ownership potential of Lough Neagh, kinship care, and counselling services in East Belfast amongst other things.

Assembly committees will be discussing legislation on roads, planning changes around the George Best City Airport, dog licensing, a Marine Bill, air passenger duty, issues on road infrastructure and parking, the new Mental Health Capacity Bill, child protection issues and health promotion.

So, in other words, there is work being done that does not require members to drape themselves in one flag or another.

All fun and games at the UUP

WELL the lengths the Ulster Unionist Party go to get more media coverage know no bounds after their poor showing at the last elections!

First off, hold a leadership election. That way you get all the political correspondents' knickers in a knot with speculation apparently “rife” as to who will win out between John McCallister and Mike Nesbitt.

So desperate are the party to gain media coverage that Mr McCallister decided to deliver his own baby…mother and child are both safe and well after the leadership candidate was talked through the procedure by paramedics on their way to his South Down home. One can only imagine the conversation:

Paramedic: “Now Mr McCallister, please make sure your wife is safe and comfortable and that you have warm water, towels and a press release to hand.”

Mr McCallister: “Hurry up, the contractions are close together…”

Paramedic: “When you tell her to push, you’ll see the baby…as soon as its born I’ll let the BBC know.”

Of course, that’s not right, Mr McCallister’s baby was due next week and no parent wishes to be in that situation.

Mr Nesbitt’s plan to deliver a speech didn’t quite come up to his rival’s performance, but whether it will influence the result remains a moot point. Polling suggests that the votes will be close, but one man who will not be casting a vote is Strangord MLA David McNarry.

Mr McNarry, who got into a wee bit of a spat with outgoing leader Tom Elliott has been kicked out of the UUP for nine months…we have to wonder who he would have been voting for.

Then to compound matters an ex-UU member and former deputy leader crawled out of the woodwork to talk up how bad the party is. Lord Kilclooney delivered his devastating verdict on the party in an interview to the BBC on the eve of the leadership election.

We, being natural cynics, reckon this was a very clever wee plan. You see if the new leader doesn’t manage to halt the decline, then he can point to Lord Kilclooney’s verdict and say “no-one could have stopped it!”

On the other hand, should the party stage a Lazarus-like resurrection, then he can claim to have listened.

How likely that is, well, having cast the stones and read the runes, we aren’t about to become hostages to fortune other than to say that stabilising the UU ship is their best hope for the moment.