A word for the idiots

THIS week saw another piece of idiocy on the streets of Belfast. Taking the place of the idiotic rioters was the discovery of a viable mortar in a residential part of north Belfast.

We cannot, nor can any other sane person, think what sort of political statement can be achieved through such actions; and those responsible cannot possibly think that they can bring about a united Ireland, socialist utopia through such actions.

In the – vain – hope that one of the idiots responsible reads this, we have a word of advice for them: take a holiday.

Go, sun yourselves, get a few cheap beers down yer neck and forget about killing people for some long forgotten cause.

Or, better still, head off to the horn of Africa and carry out some aid work – then if a Somalian fighter kills your sorry rear end, you’ll have done some good before leaving the rest of us in peace.

Thar she blows that great white myth – a decision!

IT looks like there is a distinct possibility that the rarest of beasts has been spotted in Norn Iron – a real, honest to goodness political decision.

For years, the Captain Ahab’s of the chattering classes and the commentariat have been ploughing through the waters of Hansard and the waves of newsprint in search of a decision.

Finally with Moby Dick like suddenness a decision has crested at the most unlikely of times...

Health Minister Edwin Poots has revealed that one of Belfast’s many accident and emergency departments is to close its doors, and the likely candidate is the Belfast City Hospital’s A&E department.

Belfast currently has more hospitals than you can shake a bandage at, with the Royal, the City and the Mater, not to mention the nearby Ulster Hospital.

In days of yore such a luxury was feasible for a number of reasons. In medical terms the care of emergency patients was not as advanced as it is now, where teams of highly trained nurses, anaesthetists, radiographers and doctors need to be on hand.

Then there was of course the political decision to open the Belfast City Hospital to please some people, not least unionists who claimed that the mile or so to the Royal in west Belfast was to venture into uncharted territories. The Mater was seen as a ‘Roman Catholic’ hospital by some, but that never stopped the injured from the Shankill visiting there when needs arose.

Finally there was the situation of political ennui – there has seemed, for the past decade or so, a political boredom with the idea of health as something that was difficult to make a decision on.

This week Edwin Poots was before the health committee at Stormont – a committee called back from recess, unusually, to discuss real politics rather than spouting off in general.

Minister Poots admitted that there was work needing done, and with staff shortages, and a lack of junior doctors such work involved closing something.

His predecessor, Michael McGimpsey had warned that health was under-funded, but a lack of executive willingness to back a UUP minister made sure it was held in abeyance.

Of course, hot on the heels of Minister Poots’ announcement came the ritual of south Belfast politicians whining on about how they would fight to keep the City Hospital A&E Department and denouncing the decision.

Just like the campaigners for about a dozen small hospitals across the region, they are large on rhetoric and short on solutions. And how many people noticed those closures a year or two down the line? And how many remember that those hospitals once provided A&E services.

What Minister Poots needs to do now is to make the closure fact in order to trim the fat away from other hospitals, the Mater being surely next in the firing line, and to invest any savings into making the Royal Hospital’s A&E departments (for there is also the regional children’s A&E unit on the same site) truly world beaters where patient’s care is the best that it can be.

After that he just has his own constituents' complaints about shorter A&E hours at Lagan Valley Hospital to worry about!

FOOTNOTE: Yes, you could argue that Minister Poots’ announcements that Altnagelvin Radiotherapy unit would go ahead was a decision, but for the sake of an extended metaphor we prefer to see it as keeping an election promise that the First and Deputy First Minister made...

We’re (NOT) leaving on a jet plane

“SOMETIMES you couldn’t make it up”. Or so goes the old cliché. And certainly it would be a stretch to find a passage of fiction to match the alleged facts behind the Air Passenger Duty (APD) debacle.

It has been claimed that the Norn Iron Executive didn’t respond to the consultation over APD. Meanwhile Finance Minister Sammy Wilson did submit a response.

Now, for those who think that APD only really matters when you find out you’re budget airline fare isn’t as budget as you think, then please think again.

First, let’s rewind ourselves back to all the comments around the budget at the end of last year. We were told, to paraphrase an American President, “It’s the economy stupid.”

And one of the things that we have always been led to believe is that an air bridge – that is an air route – helps enormously in getting American investment into Norn Iron’s wee economy.

So, when our near neighbours in Dublin charge only a few Euro in tax for a transatlantic flight, here the only transatlantic flight has tax of £120 for a return flight.

Now, hold up your hands in despair! Our economy must be on the verge of collapse if Continental Airlines ends its Belfast to Newark route.

Well, no it won’t.

Dublin Airport is less than two hours drive from Belfast.

Try flying into a major hub airport in the US and getting to a city centre within two hours. Ain’t gonna happen.

So why all the fuss.

The Scottish Highlands and Islands has a sort of exemption. Well, we’re not exactly sure, but if any politician seriously thinks that equating NI plc with Tartan world lite is going to help Norn Iron then they might want to think again.

And, given the head of steam that’s building up around the corporation tax debate, local politicians may start clamouring for powers to set APD in Norn Iron.

Less tax raised in the region means a smaller hand out from Treasury each year. Can we afford tax varying powers, and if we can afford them, can we trust yer average MLA to do real economic maths without taking their socks off.

Paisley and the DUP – row ensues

WITH friends like these who needs enemies? When the DUP fall-out that fall-out is usually behind closed doors. The result sees someone walking off in a huff or simply swallowing their pride and keeping calm and carrying on.

But there has been a very public spat within the party. First off, Ian Paisley Jnr said the standard of debate in the Northern Ireland Assembly wasn’t very good. Next Peter Robinson said that oh yes it was! Pantomime season isn’t upon us, but this was beginning to seem like a right old pantomime.

What it has done is cause us to all examine what the debates at the Assembly are really for. Unless directly relating to legislation being introduced debates are generally waffling for the sake of waffling about special interests relating to constituencies.

Or to have a pop at a Minister – which, frankly, is like shooting fish in a barrel; very easy, but with an after-taste.

Paisley the Younger may be close to the mark in his criticism of the standards of debate at Parliament Buildings – and the standards of grammar. We surely are not alone when our teeth grind as verb agreements are torn asunder by the serried ranks of MLAs on a regular basis! But Mr Paisley should also be aware that the like of Prime Minister’s Question Time is a set-piece zoo-like spectacle of the worst kind.

Here, constrained by the constitutional conveniences of consensual politics, debates are less engaging, rhetoric a skill less-deployed, and the semi-literate can turn a phrase pre-prepared for them.

The real question should be whether it is effective. As the mother of Parliaments, and the legislative home of all reserved and excepted matters, not to mention all English laws, Westminster has a lot more work to do.

On a pro rata basis the Assembly gets through quite a lot of work – all be it that last time out they did a lot of that in the closing weeks. The debates, as such, are the public window-dressing for the beating heart of the Assembly, which can usually be found in the bear-pits of Assembly statutory committees. There lies the real fun, and where unfortunately too few bother to watch or attend the delights of MLAs quizzing civil servants.

Tuition feeble decision not taken

ONE of the advantages of a mandatory coalition – and yes we are assured there is at least one - is that one does not need to rush to a conclusion.

One of the disadvantages of a mandatory coalition – and yes we are aware there are many - is that eventually one must come to some sort of a conclusion.

The Alliance Party may have been delighted to get in on the big act with a seat by right at the top table, but soon Minister for Employment and Learning, Dr Stephen Farry, might find it is the hot seat.

The reason became all too clear at this week’s oral Assembly questions, when Dolores Kelly asked about student tuition fees. For those with memory loss, over the past year there have been quite a few protests about student tuition fees; with the majority of students thinking an increase is pretty much a bad idea!

For Dr Farry there is a confluence of factors rolling together: a need to make a decision being the first factor!

Then there is the fact that a decision must be taken by September so that the loans can be sorted out for the following academic year.

After that there is the not inconsiderable task of shaping third level education to meet the employment needs of both international and local employers – not to mention the academics who live by the axiom of publish or die when it comes to tenure!

Next is the fact that our two universities are bleating about the cuts they are being forced to make as it is, without the problems that may ensue if they do not get either more money from higher fees or more money from the Executive.

And finally, Dr Farry will have to get all his new found Executive chums to agree to whatever decision is made by “September at the latest”.

We have a cunning plan: one which will help Dr Farry and his Executive chums in the long run. First – any degree that includes the words “dance” or “fashion” go immediately.

Next: any degrees in journalism – out! Politics? Seriously? Only for those not studying what passes for politics here! Agriculture? That’s a college course. And Art! No, no, no! If you can colour in between the lines award yourself an ‘A’ level and don’t even think about an art degree. There, they’d saved a wee fortune right off.

But seriously – yes we can be serious for a minute or two – Dr Farry must steer the middle ground between recommending a sensible fee structure that still enables a wide range of students access to degree courses, while maintaining the integrity and teaching standards befitting our universities.

Yellow pack – what’s that then your honour?

THE row between Justice Minister David Ford and the legions of lawyers rumbles on with impoverished legal eagles having to auction the Astin Martin and buy some of the cheaper Scotch from supermarket shelves.

Amidst the tooing and froing a curious phrase emerged from one of the legal combatants in this curious strike action. He alleged that the Minister wanted “Yellow Pack justice”.

Younger listeners and viewers will, no doubt have been bemused by that turn-of-phrase from Pearse MacDermott of the Solicitors Criminal Bar Association.

For those of you who recall the halcyon days of Stewarts and Crazy Prices supermarkets, Yellow Pack products were own label products deliberately marketed as being cheap and cheerful without any frills.

So, it seems that Mr MacDermott chose an apt metaphor in his allegation.

But wait a cotton-picking moment, Yellow Pack goods slipped from the shelves around 20 years ago.

We can deduce from this that perhaps it is the case that Mr MacDermott has not done any food shopping in supermarkets for around 20 years, as he has someone do it for him.

Or was it a very deliberate attempt to force those who were too young to remember Stewarts and Crazy Prices to extrapolate the metaphor, thereby achieving a tortuous victory...

We’re not sure which it was, but it was a strange choice of words, but still one that caught the mood of this increasingly rancorous dispute.

Still, now the English firms are threatening to poach the home turf, we’ll see how firm some of the law firms hold as revenue trickles away to some solicitor from across the North Channel.

Are the Ulster Unionists written off?

EVERY good thing must come to an end: that fine glass of Beaujolais, that exquisite steak, or that wondrous dessert the local lodge prepared.

But Mr Tom Elliott is hoping that he will not be savouring the end of the UUP, but rather a hearty repast before mounting a resurgence.

Last week at the UUP AGM Mr Elliott said that after just nine months in charge and one relatively disastrous election it was time to look at candidate selection and generally sort out the mess.

However, rather curiously he did admit there was division in the party, but that members should present a united front.

Now, analyse that for a wee while. We’re rowing, but as long as the neighbours don’t call the cops it will be okay...

The party has taken a hammering and as yet has failed to emerge the other side. If there is dissension within, surely a strong leadership would simply kick it out?

Oh, but then again kick too many out and what are you left with...

Bout ye David!

ACCORDED the honour of addressing the Norn Iron Assembly Prime Minister David Cameron gently chided the assembled MLAs that they needed to get on with getting on as he explained what ‘bread and butter’ politics really are.

It was a little like the public school headmaster telling assembled pupils that they needed to get their priorities straight.

There was, no doubt, straight talking in Stormont Castle when Cameron and attendant puppy Paterson met Martin McGuinness and Peter Robinson. Such straight talking, we are led to believe included: “Look David, you’ll have an extra wee bun whether you like it or not!” Another example was “David, What actually are you doing here?”

And it is that latter question that is perhaps most pertinent one. Was there a clear goal behind the visit? There’s no election in the offing, the edifice of powers-sharing is relatively stable and there was no international media in attendance.

Then it came to us – he was trying to avoid a very public spat with Archbishop of Cantebury Dr Rowan Williams, and mulling over whether the Lords Templar should vote to get rid of the Lords Spirtual?

Largesse dispensed

WHO gave the new ministers a cheque-book? Health Minister Edwin Poots throws open the doors and announces that Altangelvin hospital in Derry/Londonderry will have a radiotherapy unit. Then Roads Minister Danny Kennedy announces a West Link upgrade for Belfast.

It seems in the run-up to the summer recess the MLAs are determined to be nice to everyone.

But we fear within this velvet glove are a set of knuckle dusters, and hidden in the folder is a cleaver sharpened and ready for cuts.

For, former Chief Examiner of ‘A’ Level Economics, and current Minister for Finance Sammy Wilson seemed pretty sure that we need to cut our cloth in these tough times to match a shrinking budget.

Which sort of means that all these nice new shiny announcements will be paid for by slashed services?

Whether we like it or not the books have to balance and harsh decisions will have to be taken.

Ahh wick like it’s a wikileak

JUST when you thought the world had gotten over itself with the ranting, raving and finger pointing about who met whom and who said what in this part of the world when rampaging right out of the news pages is a wikileak.

The internet rapscallions passed on cables that implied/inferred/said outright that DUP and Sinn Féin were in direct talks before the iconic 2007 face-to-face. And we wonder why this is news?

You see most people will tell you that Sinn Féin and the DUP talked before 2007. It just happened. However the fact that the party said no contact was sanctioned means that if by chance there was a meeting, then there was deniability.

Hardly the stuff of Watergate...

At least there was some entertainment value at US officials rating Margaret Ritchie in none too pleasant terms and agreeing that the previous Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s ‘Biffo’ (Big ignorant fecker from Offally) nickname was appropriate.

It all leads to one question – what else is being said in confidential memos from other governments around the world.

Methinks we need a makeover for Norn Iron plc and some voice coaching for some of our MLAs...