Relax – it’s only tax after all

THERE’S been much talk about taxes this week that is just about to pass into last week. Much talk has been over the tax implications of the bail-out of the Republic of Ireland and the tax and cut budget.

Equally, Norn Iron has had tax on its political mind. First Minister Peter Robinson has said that he eagerly awaits the HM Treasury paper on rebalancing the local economy as he urged a reduction in corporation tax “up here”.

Before the mirth, here are the facts, as we selectively choose them much in the way that a management consultant may, or may not select such facts to suit their client’s needs.

First off, the rate of corporation tax in the UK (which, despite protestations from some, Norn Iron is currently part of) is set at 28%. Second, the rate of corporation tax in the Republic of Ireland is 12.5%. Thirdly, large companies, and even small ones employ accountants. Figure the relationship out for yourself.

The next fact is that Foreign Direct Investment – that Golden Goose Government so eagerly prostrates itself before – is dependent on more than the tax regime. After all it is also down to what Invest Norn Iron can con, sorry can do, to convince investors to make their way to our fair shores, laden with promises of jobs and hands out for handouts.

So why all the fuss about Corporation Tax? Said allegedly high UK rate has not as yet deterred the financial world building modern towers of Babel in London. If you were to believe bankers, it is only the threat of curbing bonuses that may threaten London’s pre-eminence in financial shenanigans.

We think there is a wee sneaky voice in most politicians advocating lower corporation tax in Norn Iron that occasionally whispers in the darkened night, when conscience creeps towards realisation that the wee voice is uttering just two words: “gesture politics”.

Why oh why did we choose this career path!

THERE comes a time in one’s life when one looks back over the successes and failures of one’s career and wonders whether it has all been worth it.

No, we’re not talking about donning a hair shirt, seeking spiritual enlightenment or devoting vast amounts of time to green gardening. We’re talking about why oh why we didn’t pursue a career in the law profession!

After all most solicitors with a few years under the expanding belts are worth a few proverbial quid. But then there is a cash earner on an entirely different level - the barrister!

Maybe, just maybe, we could have thrust aside scruples, pretended to read more than necessary, and become a barrister. Think of the benefits. The government pays you money, and loads of it.

No, we’re not talking about public sector money, we’re talking about cold hard cash for ‘LEGAL AID’! Sorry, but that required capital letters. After it emerged that in the past two years one barrister coined in £2m plus, four earned £1.5m plus, six earned £1m plus and 22 earned £500k plus from working on LEGAL AID cases. And they get to wear black capes and natty wigs too! Even Batman didn’t get the cool wig!

To recap – a group of people get paid a lot of money by taxpayers. And get to wear wigs, and get to earn money ‘freelancing’ in legal waffling (sometimes called giving an opinion...hey we’ve got opinions too!).

Of course, they’ve done nothing “wrong” or illegal in getting paid these huge, wheelbarrow sized wads of money. After all, it is the Legal Services Commission that sets the money that said barristers get for LEGAL AID cases. Oh, hold on a moment, it is the Northern Ireland Legal Services Commission. Which is different to the Legal Services Commission in England and Wales...

The Legal Services Commission seems, on the face of it, to pay barristers, QCs and other assorted wig wearing types a wee bit less than its Norn Iron counterpart. We could be wrong, of course, but goddammit this ain’t no court of law! Plus, after googling to try and discover who was a lawyer on the board of the Northern Ireland Legal Services Commission board and who wasn’t, and been denied access when we clicked on the ‘Members’ tag because we weren’t members, we gave up presenting any opinion before the court of public opinion...

But on a serious note, who let matters get to such a state where barristers coined in £60m in two years on legal aid cases? Surely it was the Government. Yes, and it wasn’t the Assembly. They only got to have a say in it recently and Mr Ford as Minister For Justice is putting a cap on all that and much more...or so he says.
So, has the heyday of bewigged barristers (when were they making hay while the country went to hell in a hand basket) now passed? Somehow we doubt it. After all for all the learned gentlemen and gentleladies of the law there only remains one phrase that needs to be translated into Latin: “There’s no justice, there’s just us!”.

On that note we are away to convince all children we know to become highly paid doctors or better still barristers...after all barristers get to wear wigs!

That’s a bit rich...

WE have been missing Caitriona Ruane! With all the talk of the economy and the doomed nature of Norn Iron plc there has hardly been a chance to mention the Minister for Education, and that seems a little unfair.

To redress the balance here’s a wee snippet. Your department pays for a new school wing. You are invited to open said school wing. Then you tell them they’ve got to mend their damned post-primary selection ways.

What? C’mon that seems a bit rich. We know that as Minister for “Every School a Good School” Education you could at least lay off what is patently a good school (St Dominic’s Girls Grammar, Belfast).

Ahh Caitriona we’ve missed your pithy rejoinders to all who challenge your world view. Although we do wonder whether we will see the school whose new wing you opened fall at your devastating logic and become all ability? Err, no, they had hundreds sit the entrance test to grab a place at this good school.

In through the out door

THE BBC has recently written an extensive article on the use of the word ‘progressive’ in the world of politics, citing old world progressive rockers ‘Yes’ as a means of introducing the article.

We have been wondering whether the ultimate blues, folk, rock, metal progressive act Led Zeppelin have had their album ‘In Through The Out Door’ playing in the Parsley household.

Ian Parsley announced last week that he has parted ways with Conservative Party in Northern Ireland. That comes about 18 months after he parted ways with the Alliance Party. That’s the Alliance Party that his partner Paula Bradshaw joined after quitting the Ulster Unionist Party, which was in a working arrangement with the Conservatives in the UCUNF project.

Mr Parsley eloquently outlined his position as had his partner in previous weeks.
Surely it is progressive that our politicians have such a progressive attitude to party membership that they can up political sticks on a regular basis.

Oh Owen, we love it when you talk tough!

SECRETARY of State, Owen Paterson has been talking tough. As the Peter and Martin air miles clock up again flying to London with begging bowl held out to HM Treasury, Owen has been saying where said begging bowl can be thrust!

Speaking on Thursday, he said a settlement was a settlement not the opening gambit in a negotiation.

Keen to point out that Norn Iron had already gotten a good deal and that Scotland and Wales had already set their Budgets, Mr Paterson called for an urgent agreement so as work can get underway on the NI Budget.

Mr Paterson may have visited this part of the UK/part of the island of Ireland/etc many, many times but he seems to have missed that old Belfast witticism that could be applied to any member of the NI Executive: “Sure, yer man would start a row in an empty house!” And against such a backdrop there ain’t much hope of agreement within the same party let alone across the varied political affiliations in the Executive. Much easier to extend the begging paw...

Next week: the First Minister and deputy First Minister guest write for the Big Issue, and flog copies across London.

Make Northern Ireland normal...

SECRETARY of State Owen Paterson has suggested that, with a wave of the legislators’ deathly hand, Norn Iron can be normalised.

Mr Paterson has said that he is seriously considering a ‘Normalisation Bill’ that would with all sorts of legislative garbage that has been left over from various agreements, side deals and unseemly delays that led to an unseemly rush to make laws.

But there is one thing that troubles us. When has the root word of normalisation (that would be ‘normal’ for all those struggling to keep up!) ever been used in connection with Norn Iron.

The Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher, may have said that our towns were as British as Finchley, but then again she didn’t get out much from behind the layers of security. Paterson, one would have thought, should know better.

We’re the country that introduced colour coded kerb stones for those not sure which sectarian enclave you were stumbling upon.

We’re the country where for a long time 10-year-old boys could determine a rifle calibre from the distant sound of a gunshot.

We’re the country that has many of its middle-aged people complaining that riots aren’t just as much fun as they used to be.

We’re the country that has managed to elevate benefit collection to an art form.

We’re the country that has had more public enquiries than the rest of the Europe combined, and probably has more lawyers per capita than any other region apart from the US.

And therein lies one particular rub. Mr Paterson, it turns out may not be quite as daft as he seems.

In talking about the idea of a story-telling to sort of wrap the whole Troubles thing up, he said: “Historians might just have more appropriate skills than lawyers in helping to resolve the past."

That may be the case, but it certainly is the case that they charge a helluva lot less than the battalions of barristers and legions of lawyers who hang round the gates pondering the next thousand pounds or so of legal aid fees they can charge, or wonder wistfully when the next public enquiry is to get underway.

You’ve got to laugh

YOU’VE got to laugh at the knots that our esteemed leaders and political thinkers are tying themselves into over the seemingly impossible task of agreeing the Northern Ireland Budget.

Every now and then Finance Minister Sammy Wilson feels obligated to spout a few words on BBC about unrealistic members of the Executive, while similarly obligated Sinn Féin members reach for the phone in hotline to tell Nolan et al that there’s money in them thar hills.

Said money is to come from the end of the rainbow, the mobile phone companies or other improbable sources.

Sammy’s improbability comes from his reluctance to suggest that there is any possibility that any more money can be prised from the notoriously tight budgets of HM Treasury.

Sinn Féin’s improbability comes from saying (on talk shows) that their position that water charges will not be introduced is “non-negotiable”.

Oh yes, there is an election coming up.

One may also note that our esteemed First and deputy First Ministers have been relatively circumspect on the whole wrangling between their respective parties.

We can only suggest a couple of alternatives. Firstly, could it be they know something the rest of us don’t. Or is it that they have decided to behave in a statesman like fashion?

Nope neither of these is plausible. More likely they are content to let their minions butt heads while they ponder the cost of a cappuccino on one of their frequent jaunts to the US, London or wherever they can go to get away from their embattled colleagues.

Meanwhile no serious budget agreement is in sight.

Bye for now Gerry

SO the beard is bringing the man down below the hated border. Yes, Gerry Adams, fed up with the growing unemployment and run down nature of the North is heading to the only part of Europe with worse employment prospects – the Republic of Ireland.

The MP, MLA and general politician at large is to stand as a TD in Co. Louth. His toothy smile and generally sunny disposition will no doubt woo the economically disenfranchised electorate of Louth. But one does wonder where it leaves his infamous ‘they haven’t gone away you know’ comments. While they haven’t gone away, the rest are just on holiday in Donegal or canvassing in Louth.

Independence for the independents!

FOR some time in the ‘70s those with a poor grasp of macro-economics and a tenuous hold on reality used to advocate for an independent Northern Ireland.

While most thought that politicians with little hope of electoral success had been consigned to the part of the ballot paper few were brave enough to tread, other than the Monster Raving Loony Party, we now have a new political ‘force’ set to contest the Assembly elections in May.

The UK Independence Party has said that it plans to put its hat into the ring as a “non-sectarian, sensible, unionist alternative”.

Our proportional representation system of voting is one reason cited for the step. However, even those who are challenged by voter mathematics will be concerned to see a party that achieved just over 3.1% of the electoral share in the Westminster election hope to score a quota no matter how many transfers they gain from TUV votes.

Paisley backs united Ireland shock!

THE Lord Bannside formerly known as Ian Paisley has come out in favour of a united Ireland. Yes, you read that right: Lord Bannside has said in the House of Lords he would support a united Ireland.

Lord Bannside only put one tiny, small, minute condition on his support. Indeed such a small condition it would be small-minded and intemperate for anyone to find a problem with such a condition.

The condition was that Ireland could be reunited under the British Crown.

Errrr, that may be a little too weird for even the weirdest of republicans to back. Seems the clue is in the name...republican that is!