Eye on the Hill

We are the Knights that like to say “NI”

FOR those that like a small slice of surrealism in their lives, political or otherwise Monty Python’s epic film of nonsense, The Holy Grail contains one scene where King Arthur is confronted by the Knights Who Like to Say “Ni”.

While Messers Cleese, Palin et al were not referring to political machinations of Northern Ireland politics, one cannot help but harken back to this scene as Mr McCrea and Mr McCallister launched the name of their ‘new’ political project in Belfast’s Metropolitan Arts Centre (MAC).

The name of their new party, widely trailed in the media beforehand,  is NI21. This is meant to build on the Northern Ireland identity; looking forward, rather than backwards to the 20^th century.

Of course we welcome any political developments that open the debate around what Norn Iron plc stands for, but as we listened to the impressive speeches from the two MLAs and a number youthful types disenchanted with politics, we were reminded of that scene from the Holy Grail.

Unwittingly King Arthur caused the Knights Who Like to Say ‘NI’ terrible pain and discomfort by using a dreaded word. That word was ‘IT’, and that is the word that may cause some worry for NI21 – as in the question “What Is It?”

“It” may or may not be a new force in Norn Iron politics, but we can at least be assured that it won’t be boring...

Early morning

REVELLERS and party animals know that 3am is about the time when the party really gets into swing, when there is one person holding sway as the conversation and rapport focussed towards them; the gathering in the kitchen gravitating to this individual.

Such must have been the thoughts of TUV leader Jim Allister, when his private members bill preventing those with serious criminal convictions being appointed as Special Advisors passed all its stages, following a late-night sitting of the Assembly.

Leaving asides the rights and wrongs, the vacillations of the SDLP, and the potential for a Sinn Fein appeal to some court or another, we want to focus on the ability of the collective mass of MLAs to actually debate something for so long.

Legislation affecting our home, health, wealth and our children’s care and future seems never to garner this much time in the Assembly, even when ‘big’ issues are before the house.

Ministers of all shades tend to prefer the announcements and pronouncements rather than the lengthy debates.

Whether these debates serve any purpose or not depends on your viewpoint, but the credibility of the chamber could be enhanced if the members were seen debating legislation issues concerning health, wealth and education into the early hours.

With the Marine Bill awaiting Royal Assent there are five bills progressing through the Assembly.

How many of these bills will see MLAs debating through to the early hours?

North West Whingers?

GREGORY Campbell this week went out of his way to defend fellow DUP member and Enterprise Minister Arlene Foster when she claimed that some people in the north west of Northern Ireland were whingers.

Following a robust defence of attempts by Invest NI to bring Foreign Direct Investment to the North West, Mrs Forster went on to (rhetorically we hope) ask whether investors wanted to come somewhere that has – so she claimed - more than its fair share of people who complain.

Whether they do or not (well they seem happy enough about yon City of Culture), misses the point.

Here in Northern Ireland we are Olympic standard whingers.

As temperatures rose this week, complaints that it was too warm overtook those that last week saw complaints about it being cold for the time of year, which had overtaken complaints about the rain.

If you should have the fortune (or misfortune) to listen to the Assembly on a regular basis [which we do stoically on behalf of our clients] then you will know that our MLAs are in an elite class of moaners.

But this does mean that we are only complaining because we know things can be better and can be done better.

That is the optimism of the whinger.

So, let us harness the energy of the complainer, let us listen to their hopes and fears. And then maybe, just maybe things can get better.

On the other hand we could all just ring into Nolan and Talkback and have a good wee whine about everything and anything...

Eye on the Hill

C₁₁ h₁₇ N₂ O₂ S Na

FOR those of who do not have children doing GCSE examinations in chemistry at the moment you may be unfamiliar with the letters and numbers above, they are a chemical formula – a formula for one of the most dangerous chemical concoctions on the planet.

It is the formula for Sodium Pentothal – the barbiturate sometimes known as the truth serum.

Can you imagine the damage that could be inflicted in our political system, if it was ever administered to our MLAs, or worse still, our Ministers in the Northern Ireland Executive?

Amidst the plethora of debates in the Assembly, media interviews and Executive press releases there are so many allusions to truth that it is difficult to find where the facts lie, let alone an impartial interpretation of those debates.

Of course, one area you would expect to be familiar with chemical formula is in health. And the battle lines over health have been drawn this week, with the SDLP accusing Health Minister Edwin Poots of introducing privatisation by stealth.

Quoting Bevan’s vision, and decrying parts of the NI Health Department’s Transforming Your Care, as forcing people towards private care pathways, they were vocal in the chamber and on the media.

The Minister was robust in his denial, while even industry figures and health spokespeople were drawn into the airwaves debate.

But with an already mixed economy and the purchasing of private services part of policy from the late 1980s, aren’t the private and social enterprise sectors already a key part of our health and social services landscape? Or, is it essential to maintain a balance that has the health service as the lynchpin public service?

Whatever, it is certain that health is costing NI plc more each year, as people have discovered the annoying habit of living longer, with the help of more expensive treatments.

Waiting lists and crowded A&E departments are debated in the Assembly and elsewhere as issues, when they are symptoms of a changing demographic, which is partly addressed by Transforming Your Care.

But our MLAs, while no doubt well briefed belie their ideologies, as they debate these issues. And, one wonders what they actually think when they utter their opinions in debates.

And that is where Sodium Pentothal could be dangerous – the truth serum administered, we could listen to their real thoughts and their real opinions...a dangerous precedent in politics would ensue.

 

And congratulations to us!

IT is always nice to receive an award, but it is even better to receive an award from ourselves for us.

Yes, it really is nice to see us rewarding ourselves! We refer to this week Northern Ireland Tourist Board awards for tourism – while there were many worthy recipients who deserve acclaim for their work, for others we scratched our heads.

Titanic Belfast and the 2012 Irish Open where among the winners.

We therefore have a publicly funded body (the Tourist Board) presenting awards to events and destinations that were partly publicly funded either through sponsorship or capital investment.

Now, we think that the Open and Titanic Belfast are fantastic, but is there a potential conflict of interest that should have excluded these.

Of course, a better move might have been an announcement that the North West 200 would be afforded more flexibility to cope with Norn Iron’s variable weather, but after all the typical NW200 visitor tends to be of the biker variety and not really suitable for the suit wearers who seem to prefer those nicely dressed golfers and bemused tourists from cruise ships.

In the absence of any office employee of the month, we have just decided to commend ourselves! What for? We don’t know yet, but in between serving all our clients, we’ll fold some paper for an Origami presentation to everyone here!

And next week we shall be discussing...

ONLY one month until our MLAs take a break from their legislative programme and heady round of debating and committee meetings.

Summer recess and holidays may be planned for our elected representatives, but this coming week they are knuckling down to a busy committee programme.

The Planning Bill discussion is keeping the Committee for the Environment on their toes, while Education is thinking about school enhancement and Priorities for Youth, and the Regional Development committee is wrestling with the Translink funding conundrum.

But, in our diligent search through committee business on behalf of our clients, we couldn't help but notice one wee gem.

For those of you not familiar with corporate governance, the Department for Finance and Personnel is responsible for guiding and assisting all departments on how to buy goods and services, as well as a range of other duties.

That is why it is intriguing to see the Department for Finance and Personnel is before the Public Accounts Committee, which continues its “Inquiry into Department of Finance and Personnel - Collaborative Procurement and Aggregated Demand”.

Wow – DFP subject to an inquiry...should be fascinating!

A sense of perspective...

THE esteemed technologist and author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams, once wrote that the cruelest thing that you could do to any person was to give them a sense of perspective as to their place in the universe.

Which is probably why it makes sense that all our political representatives in Northern Ireland must remain insular, lest they be driven even more crazy than usual by seeing just how small we are, here on the outer fringes of Western Europe?

In a week that has seen a devastating tornado rip through Oklahoma, race riots in Sweden, car bombings in Iraq and horror on the streets of Woolwich our MLAs have been on the radio in their usual round of bickering.

Yes, we know there are problems with the economy, and that the Shared Future proposals are causing their fare share of division, and we know that the parading and flags issue needs sorted: but we also know that sometimes we are a little inward-looking.

Which is why, despite the detractors, it is good to see members of our Executive jetting round the world plugging NI plc.

But more importantly, a midst the maelstrom of world events Northern Ireland is generally known for two things – the Troubles and the Titanic. Both of which cost a lot of lives in the end....

However, now that we are becoming known amongst the Hollywood set for Game of Thrones and as Gillian Anderson’s favourite filming destination, news emerged that the latest iteration of Dracula is to be filmed here.

Whether it will make up for the job losses in the Britvic factory where part of Bram Stoker’s gothic horror- romance is to be filmed, remains to be seen, but shared future or not one thing remains constant – the public’s perception remains that our folks on the hill do nowt but row.

Hopefully that perception will change but until then we can hope they never, ever get a sense of perspective of their place on this wee ball spinning in the emptiness of the universe...

Education fail from everyone

IF Education Minister John O’Dowd was to read an end of term report on education developments in Northern Ireland he would have to face a report that saw that the entire system scrapping a ‘pass’ with the teacher comments reading: ‘could do better’.

As end of term approaches and the vexed subject of transfer to post-primary education is still unresolved (‘E’ grade) and the area plans still to be finalised (‘C’ grade), there remains much to be done to improve the overall standard of education.

While the Executive’s decision to give unemployed teachers two-year contracts to target literacy and numeracy (‘B+’ grade) is a step forward and shared education campuses a step in the right direction (B-), the continuing confusion over what Shared Education means has blighted much of the good work (‘C-‘ grade).

However, the end of term examinations have proved more difficult than the modular with English as Education Secretary Michael Gove is determined to part company with Norn Iron and Wales and create a separate examination system for England. While Mr O’Dowd stands by his coursework, Mr Gove says only end of year examinations count for GCSE and A levels, even hinting that Northern Ireland and Wales shouldn’t call them GCSEs anymore.

Despite Minister O’Dowd’s protestations (‘C+ grade) there remains little he can do.

On a more positive note, the Minister has taken positive steps to address the mess over computer tests in primary schools (‘B’ grade) by making sure that the tests are no longer mandatory and helping some schools through a piloting of the system.

So, as we sit down to review education, we can see many problems must be addressed in the coming term, but with a little more effort, children starting primary school in September might see a better education system overall before they go to university...

Googling tax issues

IT has long been a bone of contention that Northern Ireland’s tax affairs have not been devolved in a meaningful way, apart from long-haul air passenger duty.

Sinn Féin want more powers to deal with tax independent from Whitehall mandarins and the DUP have placed all their apples in the corporation tax basket.

But when one looks at the confusion and moral shrieking about the tax affairs of Google, Apple, Amazon et al there is an opportunity here of Machiavellian proportions.

On this anniversary of the Italian political philosopher (who asserted that the ends do indeed justify the means) Norn Iron has a massive opportunity.

On one hand we can say to the Treasury that you can cut the Block Grant by a few billion and on the other hand come up with neat tax scheme to entice the global giants to re-locate for tax proposes to Belfast, Derry~Londonderry and any other Norn Iron town they care to think of.

As well as tax breaks, we can offer excellent golf opportunities despite objections from UNESCO and we can promise annual rioting as a summer diversion.

That combined with interminable appearances before Assembly committees and having the BBC’s Stephen Nolan on tap is sure to entice them. Isn’t it?

Eye on the Hill

The ‘Glorioius’ Twelfth

PARADING is a contentious issue in Northern Ireland – yes that may come as a surprise to some of you who thought it was just the associated protests and recreational rioting that was the issue.

In preparation for the marching season, interested parties are being brought to neutral Cardiff where the PSNI insist they’re not intending to solve the parading issue, but reduce tensions.

Whether the Parades Commission will be influenced by this, remains to be seen.

At the same time, the north Belfast Orange Order parade organisers are making contingency plans if their parade is prevented from passing by the Ardoyne shops on 12 July – the said plans include booking the nearby Ballysillan Playing Fields as an alternative to walking to ‘The Field’.

There is, of course, a temptation to tell the loyal orders and the protestors/community groups to just get over themselves and not seek to be offended. But that misses the point.

There is validity in terms of each side’s points, validity that is often lost in the nuances of rioting.

But we also think that Norn Iron plc is missing an opportunity – an export opportunity...

You see when the G8 meeting takes place there will be thousands of protestors gathering according to some sources. In the past such meetings have seen disorder, but more hype and hysteria than anything.

Here we only need a couple of dozen on each side to have public disorder. We should therefore be able to pack off protestors and parade organisers to various parts of the world to tell people how to be more thrifty in terms of numbers in organising civil disorder.

We would even go so far as to suggest that these trade missions take place in July and August...

Can you spoke proper Engerlish?

IT seems we have a problem called literacy. And we have a problem with numeracy too.

Spoking proper Engerlish seems like a wee bit beyond the reach of some of us’uns.

Thankfully the younger generation will be receiving help to move away from text speech and social media posts like ‘rofl’ (roll on floor laughing) ‘OMG’ (Oh My God) and similar...

And the same younger generation is also being supported in counting so that they know how to spend their dole money wisely, which given levels of youth unemployment is perhaps just as well.

The reason for hope is that last year’s promise to recruit extra teachers to address poor literacy and numeracy in Northern Ireland is coming to fruition with 230 new posts being advertised shortly.

While this represents a positive step in addressing the issue of literacy and numeracy, one must question why it has been left so long? After all we have known for some time that the literacy and numeracy strategy has not met the challenges.

However, we must be thankful that positive action is being taken  and look forward to all the other education issues being resolved in this spirit...well we are eternal optimists.

Don’t be poor – it’s bad for your health

ONE of the overlooked statistics published this week is that being poor is bad for your health.

Whilst we have heard lots about us all living longer, it seems that poverty leads to you dying quicker than the mystical average.

While various parties get their knickers in a knot over a percentage here or a percentage there when it comes to religious or cultural identity, a comprehensive approach to dealing with ill-health and poverty has not as yet not been addressed.

To paraphrase Mr Blair, it is time to get tough on ill-health and the causes of ill-health.

Much public health intervention work has been undertaken in terms of targeting smokers and trying to get us all to drink responsibly and eat healthily...no more Ulster fries as hangover cures apparently...

But this is a complex problem. The culture – no not the Orange and Green culture – of Northern Ireland, and indeed Scotland and our southern neighbours has been based around hard drinking – despite temperance efforts – smoking and eating plenty when you can.

While the Executive has been encouraging entrepreneurship many have been taking up the challenges with a proliferation of chip shops and takeaways around and near the ‘working class’ estates. In one area we counted five such establishments within a few hundred yards of each other.

Education on healthy eating is maybe one course, but we suggest that the Executive focuses on attracting a swathe of takeaways who serve healthy food.

Meanwhile the middle class enjoy the coffee culture and a more balanced diet...

Maybe that’s the problem; members of the middle class are living longer, thereby costing the health service a fortune. We should be encouraging these people to eat fatty food and smoke like a dock worker, thereby ending this culture of living too long! Think of the tax revenues and the training our doctors would get in the diseases of obesity, liver damage and respiratory illness, making us global leaders in fattiness and doctors!

UKIP slip up?

WITH Nigel Farage seemingly unable to put a foot wrong he did make one slip-up, which was not just trying to have a pint in Scotland...

He said that Sinn Féin would campaign for a united Ireland leaving the EU. Sinn Féin responded with a statement which was the equivalent of the sarcastic response, “aye, dead on!”

With UKIP having one MLA in the shape of David McNarry, it does suggest that Mr Farage needs to refine his pronouncements in terms of Northern Ireland – after all as an ostensibly UK and unionist party, drawing favourable comparisons about Sinn Féin being “logical” will not endear unionist voters here...

Or maybe he has a cunning plan we have missed out on appreciating.

Eye on the Hill

All buses lead to Maghaberry...

WITH thousands of extra police officers, army teams, choppers, Air Force One, etc, etc all descending on Norn Iron for the G8 conference, it emerged that one entire prison block at Maghaberry gaol is to be set aside for arrested protestors...or at least that’s what we are telling the world’s media.

With the traffic disruption, dark glass wearing security men on every highway and byway, police motorcycle outriders and anti-globalisation protestors all threatening to interrupt our traditional June warm-up for the rioting season, all in Norn Iron know the real use the prison block will be put to.

Given this anticipated chaos, Justice Minister David Ford, while revealing that Dungannon court house will be used to process protestors who have been arrested, he neglected to mention the ‘secret sessions’. During these 'secret sessions', local applicants for rest and respite from the disruption can gain a place in Maghaberry. Of course they will have to prove they are Norn Iron residents by proper use of the phrases: “Aye, dead on”, “Yer ma!” and “Amptinat tellin’ ye that before”. Once they have done so, the doors of the prison will swing open as a gateway to escape the G8 mayhem.

While we will have a few out of work Game of Thrones extras laying on riot scenes for CNN and Al Jazeera, the rest of the population will retire peacefully to Maghaberry to watch endless re-runs of last year’s riot season, brew our own beer and toast the millions of extra cash allegedly coming to Norn Iron – just like the good/bad old days really.

It also emerged that the extra police officers being drafted in from Britain for the summit are receiving training from the PSNI in how to deal with civil disorder...

We sincerely believe this is too late. Doing it in May seems a bit rushed. The festive flag protests and other sundry disorder earlier in the year would have been the perfect opportunity to bring those officers over for some on-the-job training.

Logo to go? We’ll have 8 please

IN one of the regular spats over names, DUP and UUP MLAs slagged off the City of Culture – that’s Derry~Londonderry to you - for not identifying that it is the ‘UK’ City of Culture.

The infamously named Stroke City (because it was sometimes called Derry/Londonderry) has had its fair share of controversy over what exactly it is called. Whole teams of etymologists (look that one up in your dictionary!) have been employed for near on a century to agree on what it is actually properly called and why it is also referred to as ‘The Maiden City’ or ‘Yon Place’.

But as the team behind City of Culture responded to this perceived ‘slight’ on the rest of the UK, it emerged that “Legend-Derry’ City of Culture has eight logos. Yes, you read that right, eight logos.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying: "Culture Company branding includes eight different logos any of which can be used by different organisations as they see fit. That includes an Irish language version, an Ulster-Scots version, a UK City of Culture version, a City of Culture version as well as a Derry/Londonderry version and several other variations.”

Seems they forgot the logo for people who couldn’t care less about culture unless there’s a controversy...but then again that would have just been extravagant.

Nothing wrong with ambition...

CLINT Eastwood was famously known as the ‘Man With No Name’ for several of his Sergio Leone directed ‘Spaghetti Westerns’. In each of these, a desperate population, terrified by their plight, a mysterious stranger rode into town as an anti-hero and disposed of the ‘bad guys’.

In Norn Iron we have the ‘Party with No Name’, intending to ride into the rife torn village of Stormont to save the population from bickering and in-fighting.

We are, of course, referring to the ‘Gang of Two’, Lagan Valley MLA Basil McCrea and South Down MLA John McCallister.

Recently they have revealed that before the summer recess they will announce the name of their party. (Mc’s For Norn Iron is our suggestion!)

In a statement of confidence, Messers McCrea and McCallister say that over time they plan to be in Government with Mr McCrea as leader and a long term vision of being First Minister.

There’s nothing wrong with ambition, but perhaps they should look to getting elected in the first place next time out.

Eye on the Hill

Should I Stay Or Should I Go...

WELL would you Adam and Eve it, but the Health Minister Edwin Poots is in the eye of the storm once again.  

Last week parents of paediatric cardiac patients were up in arms over the potential end of such surgery in Norn Iron.  This week the children of the elderly are up in arms...

Yes, Transforming Your Care, the document designed to shape the way forward for our health service, had said that more elderly people wanted to be cared for in their own homes. So the health trusts promptly started announcing they would be closing their nursing and care homes.

Zimmer frames and walking sticks at the ready, the elderly began manning the barricades, ready to repel any demolition men, but allowing journalists through for interviews.

One journalist reported that an attempt was made by one pensioner to bite a manager in the style of Luis Suarez but their false teeth dropped out at an inopportune moment.

Minister Poots, in his softly spoken and eloquent manner, said handling of the announced closures had been a “disaster” and claimed that local health mandarins had “over-stepped the mark”.

D’Oh! As Homer Simpson might say... It was Minister Poots that said that publicly owned homes should close. It’s just that the boards were moving quicker than he anticipated.

At the same time, is there likely to be an increase in private care and nursing home provision? We’ll leave that as a rhetorical question for our readers to decide on...

Of course our health system has to change with the times, but we couldn't help but noticing that latest statistics clearly say that more people are living longer...which suggests that even if more people wish to stay at home longer, there will still be a rise in demand for places in nursing and care homes...

In just the same way that more babies are surviving with complex conditions – like cardiac problems – than ever before, one cannot help but notice that recent decisions suggest that statisticians in the health department were reading the wrong set of figures...

Breakdown services needed...

QUICK! Call the AA! We have a breakdown in our examination systems!

Yes, Norn Iron has spoken! We don’t want no truck with that revisionist A level nonsense. We like our A and AS levels just the way they are, and no tinkering thank you very much!

What this all boils down to is that in England, education secretary Michael Gove wants A levels back to the way they were when only Oxbridge candidates got the benefit of doing one set of examinations at the end of upper sixth.

Whether one believes Gove is a visionary, a true man of Middle England, or just plain bonkers, it is clear that his plans have gotten the thumbs down in Norn Iron.

A survey showed that most head teachers were strongly opposed to the plans from the Engerland education secretary and want things just the way they are.

Which means that if the change to Engerland’s A levels takes place in 2015, and presuming the land of tartan stays in the UK, there could be four separate systems for universities to assess before agreeing to accept the next generation of degenerates, sorry we meant students.

Will the Scottish highers be given the same weight as Norn Ireland A Levels, or will the Gove A levels trump them all?

Frankly, we think that education minister John O’Dowd is building a case for an all-Ireland examination system, which would at least have the benefit of being less complicated. Baccalaureate anyone?

Conservative, libertarian success...

CONSERVATIVES are not, as we write this, having a good day, except if you are conservative with a small ‘c’ and have a large UKIP rosette pinned to your lapel.

As we write this, we see that UKIP is gaining council seats across England, and even coming a credible second in the South Shields by-election . The coalition partners in the shape of the Tories and the Lib Dems have received an electoral bloody nose.

Of course this could all change, but it does signal a potential shift to the right in terms of Tory policy to regain ground from UKIP, before the next general election.

Of course, in Norn Iron UKIP MLA David McNarry must be thinking that he timed his shift to UKIP just right!

Eye on the Hill

Take the next exit to anywhere

WE’RE on the road to nowhere, running up bills and on a highway to the high court…

Yes, the A5 saga rolls on like a juggernaut sloughing off the carriageway, the road that goes nowhere is now costing more than a tank fuel of diesel – with land purchases alone costing almost £800,000.

Now, Minister for trains, drains, and automobiles – a.k.a. Minister for Regional Development – Danny Kennedy might have been safely buckled in ahead of the latest ruling from the judiciary; who let’s face it have a nice road trundling into North Down.

But buckled in or not, the defeat threw the entire A5 project spinning off like a rear wheel drive car on ice in March.

Now, the £300m upgrade to the road between Aughnacloy and Derry~Londonderry is stalled, with the ignition unable to turn any further until an assessment on the impact on the rivers Foyle and Finn ‘Special Areas of Conservation’.

Still, not a man to twiddle his thumbs in a traffic jam, Minister Kennedy has fired up the turbocharged Ministerial car and torn up the tarmac to meet the Ulster Farmers’ Union and other interested parties to tell them just how good the A5 will be when it is made a  dual carriageway.

But, as we pondered the problem stuck in an interminable line of barely moving traffic, like the bull bars on a farmer’s 4x4, it hit us! The A5 project is linked to Tyrone in the westerly part of Norn Iron, this must be a project to line the pockets of lawyers...

Bear with us here: Fermanagh also in the west is amongst the areas earmarked for ‘fracking’, the hydraulic fracturing of mother earth to release gases that she has previously held tight in her grasp.

With these two projects destined to be caught in claim and counter-claim, reviews, enquiries and judicial pronouncements, the region’s economy will receive a massive boost as solicitors and barristers vie for the best profile coming out of the courts, whilst trying not to smile about the tens of thousands they’ll be trousering...

Shrine to anything you want

NORN Iron seeks controversy where it can find it – like a rabbid red-top newspaper editor faced with getting headlines without hacking, everyone in this wee outpost of Europe seems to like a bit of bother.

It has even been alleged by seasoned members of the commentariat that some people will travel a long way to be offended.

This week, the proposed centre for peace and reconciliation had all sorts of people running to find a media crew to tell them that the plan was great/shocking/insulting and all things that wind up people determined to be wound up.

Touted as being four times the size of Canary Wharf and with the promise of 5,000 permanent jobs, there are petitions against it, praise for it and generally division lines where one seeks division lines.

However, there is one promise that is being praised on BBC Radio Ulster, that is the location of the annual farmers’ jamboree – the Balmoral Show – with marquees sprouting up quicker than rain-drenched spuds.

Clamping the way

SINN Féin will be pleased to note this week that at least one government department – and one overlorded by an Ulster Unionist minister - is taking strides towards collapsing the border.

Yes, the Minister for Regional Development, Danny Kennedy is allowing Norn Iron’s traffic wardens to authorise clamping cars from the Republic for unpaid parking fines.

With this all-island approach to parking fines, Sinn Féin may well be raising a glass to toast Mr Kennedy, however, we believe there is a more plausible explanation.

It is the latest stage in the federation of traffic wardens’ bid to take over the world – eventually all our cars will be immobilised until we all agree to a totalitarian state of traffic wardens…

Eye on the Hill

Too many carbons

AS that esteemed political analyst and Top Gear presenter has said there are too many carbons, or as the more scientifically minded might say the rise in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere may result in doom for the species.

Hyperbole aside, it is reassuring to know that Norn Iron is doing its bit to save the world; or as the green movement of the 80s might have said, thinking globally, acting locally.

This week the Assembly agreed to pass the draft Carbon Reduction Commitment Energy Efficiency Order 2013, a step to making Norn Iron more energy efficient.

The scheme will involve energy gobbling coming at a cost with the onus on government especially to stop its buildings bleeding energy, as if it were an infinite resource.

However, we do wonder will the energy efficiency tests be applied to the hotels ministers and officials use as they jet set around the world… or will that just be a carbons check too far?

But on a positive note, our environment Minister Alex Attwood has announced that solar panels for businesses, farms and schools no longer need planning permission…here comes the sun everyone!

The youth gone wild

THIS week the Minister for Employment and Learning, Dr Stephen Farry was doing much to trumpet his schemes designed to address youth unemployment.

However, no matter how much Dr Farry had hoped to address the issue of youth unemployment it remains the highest in the UK.

But more baffling is the assertion by the Minister that we invest more in youth unemployment – and the best solution so far is the ‘public sector’.

Dr Farry said in the Assembly: “…the private sector is not yet big enough to sustain this by itself and offer all the required work experience opportunities. Therefore, we need buy-in from the public sector and the community and voluntary sector.”

So, despite calls to reduce the size of the public sector from various parts of the Assembly, including Dr Farry’s ministerial colleagues, a Northern Ireland Executve Minister publicly admits that the public sector can get unemployed youths work experience.

Have we gone mad, or is it just that our Executive has more sides than a dodecahedron and twice as many opinions on any given matter...on reflection we’re not mad...

Just G8 Gr8

ISN’T it great that the G8 is coming to our wee country! Obama, Putin, and all their cronies will be dandering round the highways and byways of Co. Fermanagh, with their press entourages, plus a few protestors to boot.

Already the PSNI are drafting in extra help and warning of traffic disruption around airports and most of the region.

In the Assembly, Justice Minister David Ford sought to reassure members that all will be well; and that the £30m tab to police the event was being picked up by David Cameron; although not personally out of his bank account.

He did warn of mass protests, but the PSNI would seek to “facilitate” such protests.

That is a sight we can’t wait to behold. A crowd of PSNI officers and a crowd of protesters  “You go first!” “No, you go first!”

Learning the lessons from the flag protests and the summer rioting, we expect much more civilized protests. Facilitating rioting will mean that only approved riots will take place, and PSNI will ensure that the rioters are in place and ready with petrol bombs and assorted missiles, before the global media arrives for a few stylish shots.

Then a quick cut in the news reporting to one of the G8 ministers condemning the rioting but reminding us all that these global titans have solved all the world’s problems…apart from Norn Iron’s that is!

Eye on the Hill

Gizza some money...please!

WE'D like some money, saieth the men of the Norn Iron Executive to their paymasters at Her Majesty's Treasury, and some of that control of corporation tax also please.

Nay, saieth the venerable Secretary of State, Ms Villiers - you need to be nice boys and girls and learn to share.

Share? Saieth the Norn Iron Executive, we already share and are nice boys and girls. We have a nice table we sit around and we share all the nice things that our wee executive have control of.

Ahh, but have you a plan to share, saieth the Secretary of State?

Err, no saieth the boys and girls, we just sort of play this thing by ear and pretty much share that power thing.

Well, if you are not nice boys and girls, no extra money to help you along...

And thus the saga of aid to Norn Iron continued, with no happy ending in sight; where endless positions are shuffled and strange things happen.

In a nutshell our fairy story is about how Norn Iron hasn't agreed a shared future strategy, and Ms Villiers says you need to be 'nice' to each other.

But, our heroes in the Executive remain dogged saying they don't need a piece of paper to get along.

So the tale goes on, and once more no-one hears a happily ever after and life goes on its merry way for the rest of us.

Bye Bye Lady Thatcher...

 NO-ONE can deny the presence that Baroness Thatcher cast over the political landscape (she preferred Lady Thatcher to Baroness Thatcher according to ‘reputable’ right wing newspapers).

  

Lady Thatcher certainly was a figure of hate for both sides of Norn Iron’s political divide during the 80s proving that she wasn’t as divisive as people say; her stand over Hunger Strikers led to riots on the streets in republican and nationalist areas, while her signing of the Anglo-Irish Agreement led to riots on the streets in loyalist and unionist areas.

As her £10m plus funeral arrangements are put in place and Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson glad hands the former Apartheid South African Premier, FW De Klerk, one notes that the BBC is forced into a quandary over the charts.

In an attempt by those who rejected Lady Thatcher’s tough love to the economy and even the union, the sing from that playful allegorical movie ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ is being touted as a potential Chart topper. The song is, “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead”.

Just as people have been getting their knickers in a knot by either solemn remembrance or because of parties, it seems a relative storm in a teacup and one suspects Lady Thatcher at her prime would have enjoyed the joke rather than the posturing by both sides.

Bagged and tagged

 HAVE you got your five pennies ready? If not when you approach your local retail outlet remember to have your re-useable bag to hand.

In the same way that you have your recycled bag, the Norn Iron Executive has recycled policies from elsewhere – like those from our cousins south of the border.

We hope that this trend continues; where something sensible is proposed we can then adopt it. However, this isn’t always the case. The widespread abuse of libel laws to challenge scientific publications has been addressed in England and Wales. Not the case here, where it has been rejected by Finance Minister, Mr Wilson.

As a former Economics teacher, Mr Wilson should be aware that economics has various trends and opinions, with other people’s views often challenged by academics with differing views. With Norn Iron not offering the same protection will an academic journal or paper now be open to challenge in our courts?

But at least we can be content that the plague of carrier bags will be addressed – we hope!

Journal of a (senior) Civil Servant

 MONDAY: Minister irritating everyone, but got him a nice warm mug of Horlicks and his favourite biccies and he’s calmed down

TUESDAY: Minister needs all sorts of stuff for questions in the Assembly – the intern can do that as I need to write a business case for something….what was it, oh yes that ‘trip’ the minister and I discussed

WEDNESDAY: New York here we come – Minister gives me and the other bod I work with the nod to join him on a ‘fact-finding’ trip. As the plebs would say ‘aye right’ but they don’t realize how tough a job we have

THURSDAY: Swimming trunks and sun tan lotion packed for our trip at the weekend to a lovely Mediterranean resort

FRIDAY: So much for that planned golf afternoon – Minister wants a trip to some city in the US arranged, but would settle for a jaunt to Canada. Must get the secretary to book that.. I might manage to get nine holes in before that black tie dinner with the fee wine.

Of course, we don’t believe this leaked journal, suspecting it to be a false trail laid by a disgruntled journalist, or plain fiction of a diseased mind (not ours – honestly!).

However, while some visits may be justified and essential we wonder just why there is a need for two or more civil servants to accompany a minister – just how many bags are they carrying?