Peace sells…but who’s buying?

SO Europe has said that they’ll cough up the cash for the new peace and conflict resolution centre at the site of the former Maze prison.

Complete with a centre to explore past divisions, workshop with international groups, tour trips to an ‘H’ block and visits to the former prison’s hospital and chapel it sounds wonderful.

The bill is not so wonderful. Europe is contributing £18m. The total cost of the re-developing the entire Maze site, including the Peace Centre thingy is £350m, a serious wad of cash in these straitened times.

But, really it’s not the cost that is really irksome. It’s the length of time it takes for the executive to get round to getting the blooming thing done. By our calculation most prisoners spent less time in the Maze than it has taken to actually develop the new place!

Belfast is spending £233m developing parts of the city and seems on schedule to spend it in three years. C’mon Maze development team! Get yer act together. If you’re going to spend our money do it quickly so we can have a nice wee row about your spending our money.

Tory Transfer Talks

AS if Tom Elliott didn’t have his sorrows to seek, the Tories in Northern Ireland are on the march again with the official formation of a new political party going by the name “The Conservative and Unionist Party of Northern Ireland”.

Given previous elections results, this is less an ominous threat and more a damp sponge casually tossed at the battlers within the UUP.

However, with at least one prominent candidate publicly jumping ship to the Bangor based Conservatives, will other UU’s be tempted to throw in their lot with the blue brigade, thus leaving the ranks of the increasingly blue-rinse backers of the Ulster Unionists.

After the re-buff from Tom Elliott to the Tory advances for a union with unionists, the new party will initially have an observer seat on the Conservative party’s national board and its own party leader. Will this be enough to attract UU members or like-minded independents? And how will the ‘unionist’ in its new title (not to mention the union flag logo displayed prominently on the party’s website) go down with that constituency that supports the values of a centre right party but is fiercely proud of its Irishness?

We have our doubts that the new party will be an instant success, but having its HQ in Bangor is an astute move. While Lady Sylvia Hermon attracted a sizeable vote for her personal constituency work and independent minded nature, there is a rump amongst the cognoscenti in Cultra, Helen’s Bay and Bangor West who might be persuaded at council, and eventually Assembly level to take a gamble.

Oh the horror of it all! We, and the average voter are confused enough with the Single Transferable Vote and sorting out the green and orange vote before trying to think through who is right wing, who is left wing, who is centre right and who is centre left. And then putting them in order on the ballot paper…spare the poor voters like us who struggle counting beyond five without taking one glove off.

Seconds out, round one!

AT the sound of the bell the two heavyweight political pounders stalked forward, circling each other as the assembled ladies and gentlemen of the press lean forward for the first of the 15-round contest.

Title holder and Ulster Unionist party leader Tom Elliott is up against the battling Strangford MLA David McNarry. The slugfest has seen McNarry and Elliott trade blows. Elliott dumped David on the carpet with a quick jab to the jaw, resulting in McNarry leaving his post as deputy chair of the Education Committee.

With Assembly newbie Mike Nesbitt settling in to the cosy chair still warm from McNarry’s departing behind, McNarry lost no time in landing a flurry of media blows from left hooks about phone calls through to upper cuts about being the Ulster Unionist liaison officer in 'secret' talks with the DUP.

And this is just the first round…

Where will it all end as the Ulster Unionist party seems intent to journey further down the spiral towards electoral obscurity. When DUP leader Peter Robinson recently attended a GAA match, he must have had a smug wee grin on his face as he walked away from the grounds, thinking to himself that gaelic football wasn’t as rough as the UU's contests.

What must the more moderate Ulster Unionists think, with the party hierarchy seemingly approving of links with the DUP? And, what of those who worked to firm up the “broad church” concept of the UUP in the wake of the election slump of 2011 think?

There seems to be a horrible inevitability to it all now. The broad church has many leaks in its roof and the walls are crumbling as the party slugs out its battles in public.

As to the way forward...with 14 rounds still to go party loyalists must be hoping that the remainder of this contest can be held behind closed doors.

Perma-tan Pete and the judges...

THE secretary of state who had the best tan throughout his tenure, Peter Hain, has upset our esteemed local judiciary.

In his newly published memoirs, he said some rather disparaging things about the judge involved in the case concerned with the appointment of the first victim’s commissioner. We haven’t sought the advice of lawyers, but we reckon best not to repeat Mr Hain’s comments. The lord chief justice Sir Declan Morgan seems annoyed enough as it is!

Rather we contrast the reaction of politicians to Mr Hain’s remarks; all rather muted, but then again he didn’t plunge the knife in too deep. And, there are worse things said on Wikileaks.

The contrast is the lord chief justice getting all upset about Mr Hain describing one of his colleagues as “off his rocker”...without taking the advice of expensive lawyers we’ll stop that train of satire before it hits legal buffers.

All we’d like to say on this matter is that given our legal aid costs an arm and a leg and the latest report from the Criminal Justice Inspectorate says that our justice system is slow to the point of a crawl; taking twice as long for cases in Norn Iron compared to other parts of the UK with youth courts take even longer.

So, instead of challenging remarks from perma-tan Pete Hain perhaps our judges could kick some butt to help speed up the judicial process here. Otherwise the real and present threat is that justice minister David Ford, the man Mr Hain described as the ‘”least flexible” of the political leaders, will come down and have a word. And really Sir Declan, we wouldn’t wish that on anyone. (Our lawyers have now stepped in, refused to correct the grammar and told us, uninvited, that we must, heretofore and forthwith “please shut up!”).

Let’s all be friends!

AS far as one party systems go, the idea of one, single unionist party is an old one: dating back to the early years of the creation of this ‘wee country’ of Norn Iron. But back in the day it must have seemed a remote possibility to have the UUP making cow eyes at the upstart DUP.

Whatever the rights, wrongs or maybes the DUP are now in the proverbial box seat and able to sit back and await the amorous advances of what appears to be a trickle of UUP MLA suitors.

And there is no doubting that David McNarry is weighing up the options of moving his stock into the DUP.

Added in to the mix is the reported easy relationship between the UUP regional development minister Danny Kennedy and his DUP colleagues on the Executive.

Of course the leadership of the UUP must be getting rightly miffed over the whole thing. It detracts from trying to rebuild the crumbling edifice that remains after the last election, and there appears to be all sorts of splits and factions: one lot looking at the Alliance Party, another lot looking at the DUP, while a rump appears to be just that, a rump.

Peter Robinson’s position of Mr Reasonable on some issues will of course help sow further seeds among those within the UUP who are unhappy with their party leadership’s tone.

However, we have one tiny, wee word of caution - actually two.

First: have a look at the electoral figures from last time out and think whether you are in with a chance of selection on the list and how many of the oft-talked about quotas are up for grabs. Would the sitting DUP MLAs and potential candidates gift you a slot on the ballot paper.

But most importantly, UUP MLAs must consider this: whether it is worse to sit in a UUP old folk’s meeting (a.k.a constituency branch meeting) or the wide-eyed stares at a DUP Constituency meeting?

Fleadh bid ends

MAYBE we’re stupid (and it has been suggested and rejected before this day!) but it seems a wee bit weird that the bid by Derry to host the 2013 national Fleadh has been turned down on the basis of the threat posed by dissident Republicans.

We have no insight into the mindset of the so-called dissidents (you can always ring ‘Spook HQ’ [MI5] at Hollywood, if you want to find out). However, these utterly idiotic, ignoramuses with their idealised world of stupidity are not going to target traditional Irish singers, dancers, performers.

To do so would be to make sure that every bolthole, every hole in the hedge across the island of Ireland and further afield would be turned out by a population that may have previously grumbled about them.

Excepted, the so-called dissidents’ tactics normally involve risking innocent lives by blowing up tourist offices and other buildings that may bring jobs and wealth to a city with one of the worst unemployment rates in the UK.

For them planting a bomb under a policeman’s car is their great grand gesture, slaughtering without compunction or compassion to grieving families.

In these cowards minds, easy targets so far have not included the members of trad band Dervish.

Which makes one wonder why the Fealdh’s Ulster Council managed to say ‘no’… Was it a political statement as 2013 is the year when Derry holds the title of UK City of Culture? Is that whole UK thing rankling in the ranks.

As Norn Iron works towards a normal society east-west and north-south, cultural and economic links can be normalised while the so-called dust settles on our past until we decide what future we can face together.

One hopes that the Fleadh will overturn this decision and bring the economic benefits and rich culture to the maiden city; and that the politicians can earn their wages by moving forward without the tit for tat rivalries of the past, showing up the dissidents for what they are - idiots.

Down to business

THERE is an inclination to criticise the good members of the Northern Ireland Assembly, as they compete for air time on talk shows and other festivals of slagging each other off.

It is, therefore, rare that we get the opportunity to focus on the real business that the 108 worthies get down to.

This week the Assembly will be debating matters as weighty as pupil’s poverty, the protection of Strangford Lough’s environment and economy, while the first minister and deputy first minister will be interrogated by members on issues ranging from victims, child poverty, and foreign direct investment.

With all this hard work and devotion to weighty matters one has to wonder how these esteemed members can find the time to bicker about issues that most of us could not care two wits about.

Which leads one to ponder over who sets the agenda for such bickering about the past? If the MLAs are so determined to do real work, while having a pop at each other in public across the airwaves then it hardly sets an example of leadership.

In the coming months and years there is much to be celebrated and commemorated. No doubt the broadcasters will be seeking the drama of division as we look back on the history of the signing of the Ulster Covenant, the Battle of the Somme and the Easter Rising.

Wouldn’t it be a nice change for our collected MLAs to sit down and welcome these historical anniversaries rather dragging events from 100 years ago into contemporary contretemps that will entrench divisions rather than celebrate the diverse history of these islands?

In the meantime I can’t wait until the debate on the A24 Ballynahinch by-pass.

Money bags O’Dowd

HE’S the man who seems to have pockets that runneth with gold, the rich uncle who pleads poverty, before producing a nice shiny pound for Little Timmy come Christmas, he is the one, the only Mr O’Dowd.

Yep – not too long ago, Education Minister John O’Dowd was looming large, not just because of his size, but because his shadow was being cast over school budgets, an axe poised over his shoulder ready to oversee staff cuts and school closures.

But, just this week Moneybags O’Dowd has produced £120m extra from his departmental pockets.

Where did this come from? Well that nice Finance and Personnel Minister Sammy ‘Smiler’ Wilson came up with some extra pennies from the ‘January Monitoring Round’. This is the quarterly bit of Government business when those departments who have not spent all their money have to give it back, leading to all the other departments clamouring for the extra dosh.

So, after all that money was found for Mr O’Dowd, and there was much back-slapping around the DUP/Sinn Féin part of the Executive.

But, do take a wee bit of time to log on to the Department of Education’s website to read the press release announcing the extra £120m. After the first paragraph it does not refer to it as £120m. Rather it refers to it as £30m/£15m/£75m. Why? Is this an arcane piece of Government accounting? Is it to please the ever present auditors?

We’d ask the questions, but frankly we don’t care! We’re still waiting for the NIMBY clamour of MLAs when they learn that their neighbouring school is still going to close because there are 15 pupils and seven teachers on a two acre site…

Oh ‘ell there goes DEL

HOW many ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well that depends if it is a light bulb that requires planning permission, or whether the ministers have returned to their work programme, or have been in university.

And, if they haven’t completed their diversity training, or used public transport they may not be allowed to. And, if it isn’t in the Programme for Government, then it may not be possible to allocate an additional lightbulb budget.

With all that in mind, one may be tempted to ask whether there needs to be a reason for asking why we have so many ministers and departments.

In the interest of saving money, or political expediency, it seems that the Department for Employment and Learning is to be put to the sword (hopefully they’ll have the lightbulb changed so the Executive puts the right department to the sword).

Of course, this has nothing to do with a nod and a wink to let Alliance keep the Justice Ministry… And, only the churlish would suggest that having two Alliance ministers is just a wee bit bothersome when the Executive all sits round the big table at Stormont Castle. Let’s face it, given the number of ministers and junior ministers, they risk having to ask the SDLP Environment Minister Alex Attwood for planning permission for an extension to the Castle.

But, say the naysayers, this is all about the personalities involved, or a DUP/Sinn Féin stitch-up.

Be that as it may there is a warning that this will mean the re-running of D’Hondt to allocate the ministries again. Oh dear, oh dear! We’re not worried about how this will all work out, we’re worried about having to try and explain D’Hondt again!

College, it’s only for the educated…

WHEN it comes to teacher training it is safe to say that Norn Iron has a monopoly on how we educate teach our teachers to teach our children. First there was Stranmillis College, which may became part of Queen’s University, Belfast. Then we have St Mary’s College.

So we have two institutions, one of which may become part of a larger institution, and some sort of confusion about who agrees with whom and what is to be done about it.

So, while the rest of the MLAs are still slumbering before their 9 January return, the Committee for Employment and Learning were grilling their Minister, Alliance MLA, Dr Stephen Farry.

Jim Allister was having a go about alleged levels of support for the merger of Stranmillis with QUB, while from the SDLP came a charge of social engineering.

So, no-one wants to merge and those black-hatted villains in Alliance are conspiring to have our teachers educated in some way that has as yet to be outlined.

Frankly, in the statelet that is Norn Iron, a devolved region of a Euro-doubtful UK, and on an island floating at the edge of the Euro dead zone, this isn’t so much a case of re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but actively seeking icebergs to crash into at full speed with this duplication of resources over what RE lessons are to be taught to teachers to teach the young impressionable minds.

How many teachers do we need? That’s an easy one. With Education Minister John O’Dowd of Sinn Féin planning a slash and burn of school numbers, the answer will be ‘not as many as before’. How many human resources departments, ICT systems and various premises do we need to train our teachers? Now we didn’t do advanced mathematics, but we’re pretty sure the number is one.

So a realistic way forward is to have one – yes one – institution to train our teachers, managed through a larger entity producing efficient governance. But as there will always be some numptie wanting to parade his or her political or religious colours to gain a vote or two, we have come up with a new name: “St Mary’s College for fenians, located on the Orange lovin’ Stranmillis campus to be sold on to a property developer by Queen’s University, Belfast where teachers can learn about how to incorporate bias into teaching Irish history depending on what school they want to teach in”.

We admit it’s a bit long-winded, but it’ll catch on in time.