Fleadh bid ends

MAYBE we’re stupid (and it has been suggested and rejected before this day!) but it seems a wee bit weird that the bid by Derry to host the 2013 national Fleadh has been turned down on the basis of the threat posed by dissident Republicans.

We have no insight into the mindset of the so-called dissidents (you can always ring ‘Spook HQ’ [MI5] at Hollywood, if you want to find out). However, these utterly idiotic, ignoramuses with their idealised world of stupidity are not going to target traditional Irish singers, dancers, performers.

To do so would be to make sure that every bolthole, every hole in the hedge across the island of Ireland and further afield would be turned out by a population that may have previously grumbled about them.

Excepted, the so-called dissidents’ tactics normally involve risking innocent lives by blowing up tourist offices and other buildings that may bring jobs and wealth to a city with one of the worst unemployment rates in the UK.

For them planting a bomb under a policeman’s car is their great grand gesture, slaughtering without compunction or compassion to grieving families.

In these cowards minds, easy targets so far have not included the members of trad band Dervish.

Which makes one wonder why the Fealdh’s Ulster Council managed to say ‘no’… Was it a political statement as 2013 is the year when Derry holds the title of UK City of Culture? Is that whole UK thing rankling in the ranks.

As Norn Iron works towards a normal society east-west and north-south, cultural and economic links can be normalised while the so-called dust settles on our past until we decide what future we can face together.

One hopes that the Fleadh will overturn this decision and bring the economic benefits and rich culture to the maiden city; and that the politicians can earn their wages by moving forward without the tit for tat rivalries of the past, showing up the dissidents for what they are - idiots.

Down to business

THERE is an inclination to criticise the good members of the Northern Ireland Assembly, as they compete for air time on talk shows and other festivals of slagging each other off.

It is, therefore, rare that we get the opportunity to focus on the real business that the 108 worthies get down to.

This week the Assembly will be debating matters as weighty as pupil’s poverty, the protection of Strangford Lough’s environment and economy, while the first minister and deputy first minister will be interrogated by members on issues ranging from victims, child poverty, and foreign direct investment.

With all this hard work and devotion to weighty matters one has to wonder how these esteemed members can find the time to bicker about issues that most of us could not care two wits about.

Which leads one to ponder over who sets the agenda for such bickering about the past? If the MLAs are so determined to do real work, while having a pop at each other in public across the airwaves then it hardly sets an example of leadership.

In the coming months and years there is much to be celebrated and commemorated. No doubt the broadcasters will be seeking the drama of division as we look back on the history of the signing of the Ulster Covenant, the Battle of the Somme and the Easter Rising.

Wouldn’t it be a nice change for our collected MLAs to sit down and welcome these historical anniversaries rather dragging events from 100 years ago into contemporary contretemps that will entrench divisions rather than celebrate the diverse history of these islands?

In the meantime I can’t wait until the debate on the A24 Ballynahinch by-pass.

Money bags O’Dowd

HE’S the man who seems to have pockets that runneth with gold, the rich uncle who pleads poverty, before producing a nice shiny pound for Little Timmy come Christmas, he is the one, the only Mr O’Dowd.

Yep – not too long ago, Education Minister John O’Dowd was looming large, not just because of his size, but because his shadow was being cast over school budgets, an axe poised over his shoulder ready to oversee staff cuts and school closures.

But, just this week Moneybags O’Dowd has produced £120m extra from his departmental pockets.

Where did this come from? Well that nice Finance and Personnel Minister Sammy ‘Smiler’ Wilson came up with some extra pennies from the ‘January Monitoring Round’. This is the quarterly bit of Government business when those departments who have not spent all their money have to give it back, leading to all the other departments clamouring for the extra dosh.

So, after all that money was found for Mr O’Dowd, and there was much back-slapping around the DUP/Sinn Féin part of the Executive.

But, do take a wee bit of time to log on to the Department of Education’s website to read the press release announcing the extra £120m. After the first paragraph it does not refer to it as £120m. Rather it refers to it as £30m/£15m/£75m. Why? Is this an arcane piece of Government accounting? Is it to please the ever present auditors?

We’d ask the questions, but frankly we don’t care! We’re still waiting for the NIMBY clamour of MLAs when they learn that their neighbouring school is still going to close because there are 15 pupils and seven teachers on a two acre site…

Oh ‘ell there goes DEL

HOW many ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well that depends if it is a light bulb that requires planning permission, or whether the ministers have returned to their work programme, or have been in university.

And, if they haven’t completed their diversity training, or used public transport they may not be allowed to. And, if it isn’t in the Programme for Government, then it may not be possible to allocate an additional lightbulb budget.

With all that in mind, one may be tempted to ask whether there needs to be a reason for asking why we have so many ministers and departments.

In the interest of saving money, or political expediency, it seems that the Department for Employment and Learning is to be put to the sword (hopefully they’ll have the lightbulb changed so the Executive puts the right department to the sword).

Of course, this has nothing to do with a nod and a wink to let Alliance keep the Justice Ministry… And, only the churlish would suggest that having two Alliance ministers is just a wee bit bothersome when the Executive all sits round the big table at Stormont Castle. Let’s face it, given the number of ministers and junior ministers, they risk having to ask the SDLP Environment Minister Alex Attwood for planning permission for an extension to the Castle.

But, say the naysayers, this is all about the personalities involved, or a DUP/Sinn Féin stitch-up.

Be that as it may there is a warning that this will mean the re-running of D’Hondt to allocate the ministries again. Oh dear, oh dear! We’re not worried about how this will all work out, we’re worried about having to try and explain D’Hondt again!

College, it’s only for the educated…

WHEN it comes to teacher training it is safe to say that Norn Iron has a monopoly on how we educate teach our teachers to teach our children. First there was Stranmillis College, which may became part of Queen’s University, Belfast. Then we have St Mary’s College.

So we have two institutions, one of which may become part of a larger institution, and some sort of confusion about who agrees with whom and what is to be done about it.

So, while the rest of the MLAs are still slumbering before their 9 January return, the Committee for Employment and Learning were grilling their Minister, Alliance MLA, Dr Stephen Farry.

Jim Allister was having a go about alleged levels of support for the merger of Stranmillis with QUB, while from the SDLP came a charge of social engineering.

So, no-one wants to merge and those black-hatted villains in Alliance are conspiring to have our teachers educated in some way that has as yet to be outlined.

Frankly, in the statelet that is Norn Iron, a devolved region of a Euro-doubtful UK, and on an island floating at the edge of the Euro dead zone, this isn’t so much a case of re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but actively seeking icebergs to crash into at full speed with this duplication of resources over what RE lessons are to be taught to teachers to teach the young impressionable minds.

How many teachers do we need? That’s an easy one. With Education Minister John O’Dowd of Sinn Féin planning a slash and burn of school numbers, the answer will be ‘not as many as before’. How many human resources departments, ICT systems and various premises do we need to train our teachers? Now we didn’t do advanced mathematics, but we’re pretty sure the number is one.

So a realistic way forward is to have one – yes one – institution to train our teachers, managed through a larger entity producing efficient governance. But as there will always be some numptie wanting to parade his or her political or religious colours to gain a vote or two, we have come up with a new name: “St Mary’s College for fenians, located on the Orange lovin’ Stranmillis campus to be sold on to a property developer by Queen’s University, Belfast where teachers can learn about how to incorporate bias into teaching Irish history depending on what school they want to teach in”.

We admit it’s a bit long-winded, but it’ll catch on in time.

Sorry is really such a costly word for the starving

IF you have to say sorry, probably the best bet you have is to say it early, and then sound sincere. There really should be books written about it, and whole communications courses taught about the best ways to say sorry.

Oh, wait a minute there are already are all of the above! Which does make us wonder why Alasdair ‘Starvation Wage’ McDonnell hasn’t read any of the books or taken the advice of those in his party who have been on the courses or done the degrees?

Dr ‘MLAs will starve’ McDonnell currently, as an MLA, has to publish a register of his ‘interests’. In this, the enlightened will learn that he is an MP, with a salary of around £65,000. He also owns a ‘small’ 24-acre farm. And, this is the bit we love…as leader of an ostensibly left leaning socialist party Mr McDonnell is a property tycoon. Okay, not exactly Donald Trump, but this gentleman farmer, former GP, owns rental property in Belfast, London, and Glenariffe, not to mention a share in a heath centre on Belfast’s Ormeau Road.

Now, we actually think that our MLAs could possibly be deserving of a pay rise. Leaving aside the Sinn Féin representatives who hand back a wedge to their party, there is an argument that with better remuneration there might, just might be better candidates for public service. And, as Alasdair ‘spare us a tenner’ McDonnell, might have been trying to point out, MLAs have to seek their job backs every few years or so (although seeing as a large number of the same old faces our returned after every poll, perhaps we, the electors might want to be more stringent in the interview process).

Ousted, outgoing and retiring MLAs do, however, get a parachute payment much like a relegated Premiership football team. They also get a pension, which uses a figure better than the pension formula applied to almost all of the public sector and better than the private sector whose pensions have been screwed by the banking collapse.

So, the point raised by Alasdair ‘where’s my expenses cheque’ McDonnell is sort of halfway close to being possibly valid in a strange space time continuum where MLAs make decisions and don’t partake in bickering on radio shows.

‘Starvation wages’? Leaving aside the double-jobbing property owning SDLP leader, the average MLA gets £43,000+ once elected. If they’re lucky to be a post holder they get more money, which goes up and up once they chair a committee or attain the heady heights of being a minister. Plus they get up to £75,000 to spend on stuff like computers. And they get paid expenses to travel to their place of work. Think on that as you count the last pennies to afford a weekly bus or train ticket or put fuel in your motor the week before you collect your salary.

Alasdair ‘I have claimed £130 for hotel expenses in London’ McDonnell perhaps should not have been surprised when voices of dissent were raised; after all almost half of his party didn’t elect him as leader, and they represent areas where starvation wages means getting an emergency loan off the dole to make sure your children have food and clean clothes for school.

Rather than hold his hands up almost right away and offer the usual ‘it was taken out of context’ Alasdair ‘I make no profit from my partnership in a travel agency’ McDonnell initially went public to slag off a party member. Later when even his deputy was sounding increasingly nervous about their leader’s comments, Alasdair ‘I’m a shareholder in a medical company’ McDonnell went on the BBC to say sorry.

It’s a fairly easy word to pronounce. Children from the age of three can manage the most convincing pronouncing of the word, with sad eyes.

But did the man branded by the US Consul (we know this thanks to Wikileaks…) as a “bull-in-a-china-shop” give us the sad eyes, the wistful smile and the gracious nod as he said sorry? Well if you saw the slip up, sorry we meant interview, you can make up your own mind!

In the meantime Dr McDonnell should perhaps be considering a tour round party colleagues and constituency branches to bring them a healthy dose of his humble pie.

We wonder if he can claim that on expenses?

Happy Nollaig Shona Duit Christmas and a Merry Hannakah New Year to all

IN these culturally diverse times, when we gather around a Pagan altar to anoint the birth of the Messiah, Prophet, etc etc around the time of the Winter Solstice we want to wish all our faithful readers season’s greetings – but we’re sort of stuck in the correct manner to do so.

A few short years ago we were pretty clear – a simple Happy Christmas would suffice as the fumes of the office Christmas Party wafted over hapless storekeeps as we toiled to gather little Timmy’s two mandarins and chocolate coins for his Christmas stocking.

Now, do we offer the greeting in Irish? Do we offer the greeting in English? We’re not even sure what the Ulster-Scot version is, and we’re fearful lest we offend someone who is not a ‘Christian’.

Just look at the mess councillors and aldermen in Belfast City Hall got themselves into over one Irish language sign!

Eur not sore, are eu?

HERE on the outer fringes of a country on the western fringes of a European political organisation, drifting as part of an island and island group that floats on the European tectonic plate ever further from north America by a few centimetres each year, at least some politicians of note want a say in Europe.

Yes, former SDLP leader Margaret Ritchie wanted to know why David Cameron had added Norn Iron to the list of those he could ignore when exercising his Bulldog Spirit at the same time as throwing his veto amongst Johnny Foreigner.

Norn Iron comes next on his speed dial list after Nick Clegg, and I’m sure the speaker of the Assembly could have convened a 4am meeting of the MLAs quick enough to get a decision back to him by July 2012...

And wouldn’t you know it, the DUP were no slouches at rowing in with an opinion. Deputy Leader Nigel Dodds layed down a “David, We Love You” Commons motion, just in time to make Tory grandees think that they could dump those wishy washy Lib Dems in the run up to any general election and mate with the DUPs to ram through some damn tough legislation in case there is another hung parliament in 2015.

Of course, more sensible heads in Norn Iron would have been thinking straighter. As we gazed across the Foyle Peace Bridge, we wondered how many other grant schemes we could squeeze out of Strasburg before the Euro went the way of the Greek Potters Economic Wheel of Misfortune.

At least Agriculture Minister, Michelle O’Neill, got the prawn quotas sorted out in time for Margaret and Nigel to enjoy their prawn cocktails on Christmas Day! Just hope they didn’t get them from Iceland...

Tax ‘em til they squeak

AS the UK and Ireland moves closer to becoming Tesco’s largest outlet, Sammy Wilson, Miser for Finance and Personnel, has decided that the superstores should pay more than their share to help Norn Iron’s floundering economy.

Yeah, that’s right Sammy has launched a 15% rates hike on those nasty old investors to help some of the small artisans and petty bourgeoisie small shopkeepers.

Go, Sammy! All that effort and fraught meetings with lobby groups and industry representative groups and you stuck to your guns, well pretty much to your guns anyway.

Tescos are in a huff, Sainsbury’s in a sulk, B&Q are hiding in the corner playing menacingly with a power tool and Ikea are in a Swedish strop and threatening to run away.

And there is perhaps one good thing to come from this rates rise. While we may bemoan that bankers got off scot free (again), at least there is the whisper of a chance that we’ll never get lost around Ikea’s labyrinthine flat pack maze.

‘Tis the season to be jolly

AH, the twinkling of the fairy lights reflected in the eyes of poor Timmy as we looks around the hospital ward, and the gaiety of the nurses as they swish almost soundlessly from bed to bed with good cheer, as doctors chortle with their young charges...

Well that would have been nice but that Edwin ‘Scrooge’ Poots, our Health Minister, is to close the ward and slam a big “For Sale to the Private Sector” around the hospital gates as they clang shut for the last time.

And he’ going to charge for prescriptions too! Merry Christmas to all!

But, wait, is that really Scrooge McPoots? Under that grey suit, does there lurk the vision and demeanour of a super hero, ready to leap into the fray, the saviour of our ailing and obese NHS in Norn Iron? Tough Poots on the outside, but Edwin’s warm and gushy to make sure Little Timmy has his leg amputated in time for Christmas so he can make slum employers feel guilty in time for next Yuletide?

Truth be told, no-one’s even sure how it will shake out as the Compton Review of health and social care takes sail over the potential closure of half the wards in hospitals, the reduction of A&E departments and the ‘Fat Tax’.

Now that was the genius move! Before any lobby group or community organisation could whip up a head of steam to turn any given MLA into a ‘Not In My Back Yard’ closure hospital NIMBY, the media moved in 24 hours from radio shows about hospital wards to the ethics of the ‘Fat Tax’.

Chubby people all claimed it was their right to munch merrily away, while slim folks pontificated and smokers heaved a last drag of delight that they weren’t the targets any more.

Thus Mr Poots can glance a steely eye around the chamber and the next time an MLA speaks about how his Hicksville hospital in the boonies has to stay open, he can measure the girth of the waistband of said MLA and consider uttering the immortal words: “So, now we know who ate all the pies!”