Thus the golden generation departs off stage

THE golden generation of Ireland has sloped from the stage, heads bowed, acknowledging that for them the dream is over, the faint hopes that once were so stirring and exciting gone forever.

Instead ahead lies oblivion and taunts; old injuries bedding in as arthritic joints loom in the not too distant future.

Oh, and the Irish rugby team lost too.

Yes, where once a succession of Marys held the promise of a Celtic Tiger surging forward, bolstered by energy and reckless daring, we now have symbols of an Ireland confused by its identity. Asda shoppers, a disability claimant, a quangocrat, a Eurovison ‘winner’ and pensioners are numbered in the Irish presidential race.

Is this really the best that can represent Ireland? Will Asda be doing deliveries to the presidential palace? Would Mr Norris still be able to claim his disability payments and by now does anyone care?

The Irish presidential campaign promised much in the way of early excitement, with McGuinness and Norris bringing controversy and colour, but so far like the flaccid Irish forward line and the insipid tackling of the Irish rugby team it has faltered into something only the media really, truly care about.

One might almost be tempted to suggest that there is no hope for statesmanship in the wake of race, but this we are sure: it makes Norn Iron tribal politics seem at least a wee bit daring in comparison.

And He’s Been Shown the Red Card!

WITH all the tension of waiting for some referee in the premiership to decide whether it really was a two-footed challenge, Speaker of the Assembly William Hay gave TUV leader and anti-power sharing cheer leader Jim Allister a yellow card warning before, as the crowd bayed, showed the North Antrim Assembly man the red card…

Defiantly striding from the chamber, publicity mission accomplished, Mr Allister readied to serve out his extension.

Yes the suspension will restrain Mr Allister from being called to speak however we are worried about the sanity of officials in government departments.

The suspension will give Mr Allister more time to scribble some more written questions, of which he is quickly proving to be the master, with more than 200 in his name slapped down to answer since his election in May.

This could be the work of a man determined to assess whether the laws of pedantry have stepped into the realm of legislative and constitutional juxtaposition, or he is aiming for an Asian job creation scheme whereby answering his questions can be out-sourced to a call centre on the sub-continent.

We, of course, believe that all MLAs only ever ask questions for two reasons: to establish facts; and, to ensure transparent democracy. No MLA would ever ask a question to score political points.

Marching to the 'Field'

R&B ARTIST and possessor of fine assets Rhianna caused Norn Iron to hit global headlines after DUP councillor Alderman Alan Graham told her to cover up those assets and leave the field.

Some of you may suspect that Rhianna got confused about the date when a proportion of Norn Iron’s population march to the ‘field’. Others will suspect a masterstroke of PR by the Tourist Board, yet others have claimed it shows we’re just as backward as a Bible-belt, end of times evangelical from the southern states of the US.

Whatever way you want to look at it (and there were plenty trying to look at it across the aforementioned field) Rhianna’s bare-chested cheek at exposing herself put Norn Iron on to global news pages instead of our traditional summer ‘glories’ (winning golf majors and recreational rioting).

Condemnation and congratulations are a successful Norn Iron participatory sports, reserved for athletes lithe enough to dial a radio phone-in. Rhianna’s welcome into Norn Iron’s bosom (Editor’s Note: Stop those chest references right away!) meant that we exported our call-in condemnation/congratulation merry-go-round across the world.

Rumours that a major Hollywood porn studio is trying to book up fields here to get some shock PR were proved false when it was revealed [Editor’s 2nd Note – now really stop that!] that Norn Iron’s climate is normally dank, damp and mildly miserable.

What it did prove to the world is that Norn Iron can now collectively turn its hand to video, TV and film production for top studios, producers and directors from across the world.

But we wonder, was this an unexpected side consequence of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness talking up our production facilities in the US. If it was we hope that the pair have not made tits of themselves. And now we really must draw a modest curtain across this story…

And He’s Been Shown the Red Card!

WITH all the tension of waiting for some referee in the premiership to decide whether it really was a two-footed challenge, Speaker of the Assembly William Hay gave TUV leader and anti-power sharing cheer leader Jim Allister a yellow card warning before, as the crowd bayed, showed the North Antrim Assembly man the red card…

Defiantly striding from the chamber, publicity mission accomplished, Mr Allister readied to serve out his extension.

Yes the suspension will restrain Mr Allister from being called to speak however we are worried about the sanity of officials in government departments.

The suspension will give Mr Allister more time to scribble some more written questions, of which he is quickly proving to be the master, with more than 200 in his name slapped down to answer since his election in May.

This could be the work of a man determined to assess whether the laws of pedantry have stepped into the realm of legislative and constitutional juxtaposition, or he is aiming for an Asian job creation scheme whereby answering his questions can be out-sourced to a call centre on the sub-continent.

We, of course, believe that all MLAs only ever ask questions for two reasons: to establish facts; and, to ensure transparent democracy. No MLA would ever ask a question to score political points.

The Education Elephant in the Room

APPARENTLY we’re crap. Yes, crap. Rubbish, useless and downright awful. That’s according to Professor Sir Robert Salisbury.

Sir Bob is the man charged with the numeracy and literacy review in Norn Iron. He has not as yet pointed out that most MLAs can neither spell numeracy or literacy let alone pronounce them, but we live in hope that this fact makes it into his final report.

The knighted prof slammed what he claimed was the “enduring myth” that we in Norn Iron are good, like, in edukashion, or, like, in doing sums, like. Amptinat (“Am I not” for those unfamiliar the local patois) telling ye lot all the time we’re a wee bit shabby when speekin the proper words!

No sooner had Sir Bob popped up on BBC to reveal to shocked Daily Mail readers across the land that in the top 30 rankings for reading we came in at 19th – well behind the English. Shocked radio announcers declaimed this fact in almost perfect grammar as producers sweated over whether Mr Green Ink of North Down would spot that incorrect participle or sloppy verb agreement in the previous bulletin…

And, when it comes to counting we ranked only 27 out of 30. Are these figures reliable? Well, we hope so as they were prepared by someone educated in a country ranked higher than 27th!

Of course, there followed an announcement in the Assembly that this education lark would be a doddle once we’ve audited, trimmed the fat, and generally knuckled down; followed by a perfunctory debate and name-calling.

Take a wee step back and look at our track record on dealing with education. We have eleven different systems: controlled; catholic maintained; voluntary; Irish medium; and integrated [see what we did there with a maths related joke…oh you didn’t? Well that’s perhaps why we’re ranked so low!]

And these systems are governed by eight education boards: Northern, South Eastern, Southern, Belfast and Western [What, you still don’t get the joke! We give up!]

And then we have the various ‘colours’ of the NI Executive, an examining board and the Department of Education, plus a whole load of smaller Arm’s Length Bodies we can’t remember. Your homework will be to link the phrase “over-governed” and “irony” through an exposition of whether this is comic irony, tragic irony, historic irony, situational irony, Socratic irony or taking the mick. We’re sure there’s a Google search result or Wikipedia page you can copy and paste from to help in your three or four word answer.

We have had four Assembly elections (1998, 2003, 2007 and 2011) to gather a group of politicians in the Big House. We’ve had more false starts than can be easily enumerated, more huffs than Carlos Tevez, and more talking than the chattering of the chattering classes. And we still end up with a rifted education system and dogma aplenty.

There are the ideological differences, there are the political differences and there are the differences for the sake of being different. What we can say for certain is that we have some children who do very, very, very well in GCSE’s and ‘A’ levels. And, we have way, way, way too many who leave school barely able to read the horse racing pages or count up their betting slips costs.

This tells us something. First, there is a thing called ‘functional literacy’ which means in short hand terms, the ability to function in society other than read the sports pages or do the maths showing why there are very few poor bookies.

So, this is a very simple challenge to the Norn Iron Executive – look in the dictionary for the word ‘agree’. You may be surprised by what you find. If you are struggling with translating this word into action head straight back to your dictionary and check what it defines under the word ‘compromise’.

[NB – there are at least, technically, five hidden grammatical errors in the preceding article. If, and when, you find them you have reached the stage of English-language Jedi Initiate, we wish you well on your journey to enlightenment, but we still want to check your passport to make sure you really are from Norn Iron!]

Who silenced the media?

THE arrival of Martin McGuinness into the race for Irish president precipitated an avalanche of media comment about what role he did or did not do in the Provisional IRA.

Since he has shorn himself from the Aran sweaters he favoured in bygone days and now bears the work wear of a senior politician (sensible suit and shoes) he can at least be glad that he is no longer being pursued by the fashion police. It also means that a part-time job as an Art Garfunkel tribute act is now beyond him – look at the pictures from the 80s and you’ll get that reference!

Any complaints from unionist politicians – and the more unstable callers to radio shows - about his past are moot points north of the border. Given they are more than happy to work alongside him in his role as deputy First Minister, it would be churlish to complain about him throwing his hat into the ring for President of what one unionist commentator called a “foreign state”.

But the role of the media in the presidential race has come under close scrutiny. One of the constant, recurring themes on the ‘tinterweb has been that the ‘southern media’ will be much tougher on Mr McGuinness, and will look closely at his PIRA past…
Which begs the question as to what the ‘northern media’ has been doing for the past decade or so? Even journos and hacks have trotted out the line that the ‘southern media’ will be looking closely at his past.

Whether doing that is right or wrong will be subject of many an online rant. However, we are worried, nay very worried, about what that implies for Norn Iron’s press corps, specialist correspondents and generally every reporter in the six counties.

Are they timid? Are they easily bored? Do their editors not give them enough expenses? Have they ever even hacked a phone?!

Or – enter the conspiracy theory – have they been silenced? Have they taken an editorial ‘go softly’ line with certain MLAs? Does this mean they have taken an active stance on the peace process and not stood by and reported?

We’re not concerned at the whys and wherefores, we’re concerned at the implication that the south of Ireland journalists are better than our journalists in the north. C’mon people, the Republic of Ireland may be higher that Norn Iron in the football rankings but surely not in the journalism league tables!

Unclean, unclean!

IT seems that we are determined here in Norn Iron to emulate the southern states of the US’s Bible Belt. At least that would seem to be the case as Health Minister Edwin Poots declared this week that the lifetime ban on homosexual men donating blood would continue.

Mr Poots may or may not be right in stating this was a rational course but, as they say in marketing, it is all about perception.

First off, one would not like to see this laid open to a judicial review – lawyers get enough money as it is. Second, what will this do to Norn Iron as tourist destination for the ‘pink pound’ of gay travellers?

Then there is the issue of need. As one commentator pointed out, we may need to erect a blood wall to prevent the blood of gay men in the rest of the UK being imported for life-saving operations…

Now, as Mr Poots rightly points out there are some states of the USA and parts of Europe that have persisted in retaining a lifetime ban on homosexual donors, but there are a few problems in this. What are the risks of someone telling a lie when giving blood? What about bi-sexuals? What about those who had one ‘encounter’ and then led a life of celibacy – oops that’s another story.

We wonder how long he can maintain this stance – we’ve moved from the enlightenment of scientific practice and evidence that screens all donations for diseases, to one of blanket bans…tricky times at the blood bank. We just hope we don’t have to make any withdrawals from said bank if shortages ensue…

The Doubles Game

THERE was once upon a time, a long time ago in a galaxy called election campaigns when the topic of double jobbing was much in the spotlight. Back then a euphemism was devised. It was: “dual mandate”.

Such was this euphemism, that it sort of explained everything and nothing all at the one time, because MLAs were representing the same people twice, but they were elected – presumably – by the same people, hence the ‘dual tag’. We still prefer double jobbing as you wouldn’t want your window cleaner trying to wash your upstairs windows and downstairs windows at the same time [You may wish to think about this metaphor for a wee while...]

Such was the ire of the people on double jobbing that it gave way quickly to boredom after a few politicians [sacrificial lambs?] did pick up their electoral beds and walk to one house only.

But yeah through the valley of media ennui walked 18 MLAs, who still are double jobbing.

We’ll spare them the embarrassment of naming them – also known as us being too lazy to type them all out – but hope that they will hang their heads in shame. Yeah we like a joke.

The Committee on Standards in Public Life – which once upon a time was known as the Committee on Expenses We Can Get Away With – has said Parliament should introduce legislation to ban such electoral double jobbing. If it did so our own Stormont Commissioner for Complaints could tut loudly until MLAs resigned a seat or two.

Until such legislation is introduced the Stormont Commissioner for Complaints can tut all he wants and the MLAs drawing down truck loads of cash (and if it’s not for themselves, think of all the expenses and office staff they can gain!) can continue on their merry gravy train.

But if we were members of the parties with members double jobbing we’d be a wee bit worried: because so long as they’re doubling up on electoral duties, what opportunities are there for new candidates to be blooded on the election trail, or at occupying a comfy seat in Parliament Buildings.

Three-way Battle to be Leader

WELCOME ladies and gentlemen to this month’s racing calendar, with the featured race, the race to be leader of the SDLP.

The runners and riders will be shortly under starters orders in this three-horse long distance challenge.

First to the post is Patsy McGlone who is expected to make the early running in this National Hunt meeting. The Mid-Ulster MLA emerged as the favourite after his early intention to run.

Next up is the outsider, fleet of tongue and fast on his feet is Conall McDevitt. A younger runner in some people’s eyes, the South Belfast man has been around the party for a wee while now, but can he manage it over some of the higher fences.

Bringing up the rear is Alasdair McDonnell, another from the South Belfast stables. With two constituency branches putting up hurdles by declaring for McGlone, the race veteran will have a challenge to his staying power.

It’s set to be a long race ladies and gentlemen, starting at the SDLP HQ on the Ormeau Road, with a long chase up to the finishing line on Shaw’s Bridge (Ramada Hotel) in November.

Despite the long race, we’re fully expecting the race to end in a photo-finish as the contenders slow before the finishing post and ask themselves: “Do I really want this job?”

Critical Condition

There follows the transcript of a real call to the emergency services.

Operator: Which service do you require?

Caller: Ermmm, Ambulance I suppose.

Operator: Before you go on, you do know that we take prank calls very seriously?

Caller: Of course I do! This isn’t a prank!

Operator: And we don’t waste time with trivial calls!

Caller [Becoming increasingly irate!]: This is no trivial call! The patient is in a critical condition!

Operator: You see one in five calls are about stupid stuff like heart attacks or brain trauma. Have you people never heard of taxis?

Caller [Exasperated]: No, the patient really needs help!

Operator: You know one in five calls are a waste of highly trained managerial and public relations time.

Caller [Angry now]: You’re not listening! The patient needs help right now!

Operator: Are you really, really, really sure?

Caller [Yelling]: Yes, really, really, really, bloody sure!

Operator: No need to shout! I believe you now. So, what is the nature of the patient’s problem?

Caller: Haemorrhaging badly.

Operator: Badly?

Caller: Really, really badly, and sounding incoherent.

Operator: I see, well, what’s the nature of the injury?

Caller: It’s horrible! It’s flowing out of everywhere.

Operator: Everywhere?

Caller [Sobbing now]: First it was the promises, now the cash is haemorrhaging all over the place, please, please send help!

Operator: That is horrible!

Caller: First it was the cancer centre up there beyond passport controls in stroke city [Derry/Londonderry), then it was the other promises on everything, everything I tell you!

Operator: Oh, I see. Where will we send the help to then?

Caller: Department of Health, Social Services and Public Safety, Dundonald House, Belfast.

Operator: Well we can’t do that

Caller: What!

Operator: Well don’t you know we’re shutting down some A&E departments and right now there are too many people at your nearest emergency department. Can I suggest you ring the new 111 number.. If you are still having problems make begging noises outside the Department of Finance. They’re giving all that money to students to subsidise their fees but there should still be few pounds left.