In the future we’ll all be nice

Wouldn't it be great if it was like this all the time?

NO matter the rows at Stormont, the rest of the population will, very soon, be nice to each other.


You see the First Minister and the deputy (joint?) First Minister have agreed on a cohesion, sharing and integration programme that will help us all shake hands across sectarian divides.


Among the planned initiatives are a welcome back from Orangefest (a.k.a. triumphalist march in July) at the Ardoyne Shops with massed ranks of bodhran players and a squad of slipper fitters for the tired feet of flute band drummers.


Also in the pipeline is an Easter Sunday address to Republicans (a.k.a. ex-terrorists/freedom fighters) by Presbyterian preachers delivering a sermon on the sanctity of rebellion and the theological basis for the Ancient Order of Hibernians.


Linfield will adopt a 50/50 player recruitment policy and The Sash will be sung at all Irish rugby international matches.


Meanwhile back in the real world…

Peelers, politicians and the Treasury

IT is with a complete sense of boredom that we report on another week without agreement on the devolution of policing and justice.

With thousands of air miles clocked up, the not-so dynamic duo of First Minister Robinson and deputy First Minister McGuinness continued their shuttling back and forth between Stormont and Downing Street.

It has now become impossible to count the times that devolution of the said powers has been close…Queen’s University, Belfast are opening a Masters Degree in Maths based around the probability theory on just how many times two people can talk about the same bloody thing. This will complement their advanced probability on the Executive ever agreeing on education…

Meanwhile Robinson and McGuinness were taking the deal to their parties. The former was consulting with ‘Executive colleagues’, demanding clarification and the wonderfully titled ‘Tory-proofing’. The latter’s party colleagues have all said no problem to the cash deal and plan.

While most of the population are thoroughly bored with this, it must be a matter of vexation for the First Minister. If he holds out a wee while longer, he can present himself as a tough negotiator…albeit one who takes a very long time to negotiate!

He wants to be able to fend off TUV attacks on the devolution of policing and justice…the old unionist ‘we’re harder than you are’ argument.

But therein lies the rub. Should Sinn Féin feel that they are being given the runaround, the temptation for them will be to collapse the Assembly and hold an election coinciding with the Westminster poll.

With the unionist vote split (at least) three ways in most constituencies, McGuinness must fancy his chances of gaining the First Minister monicker and ditching the deputy tag.

Meanwhile boredom strikes even the political hacks…

He said this, he said that…

MARRIAGE counselling can be a tricky moment in any relationship. Before the rowing partners accept that the other has a point, they must vent their spleen. Before they hug and make up each must air their differences. Each must honestly say where they think their other half has gone wrong.

At least most couples have the decency to air their squabbles in private.

Not so the likely lads that make up the wonderful First and deputy First Minister partnership.
Their private spats make public headlines. First Peter moans at an event in September. Then Martin moans after their US trip. (The old marriage counselling trick of getting the couple away from the scene of disagreement seems to have only briefly caused a kiss and make up scenario.)

And, now, with the spectre of Gordon coming across to cast his beady eye on the situation, will the rowing partners finally see that divorce is a step too far? Will they look each other in the eye and agree to try and work through their issues?

Stay tuned for more tension in the soap opera that is currently passing for politics.