Eye on the Hill

The ‘Glorioius’ Twelfth

PARADING is a contentious issue in Northern Ireland – yes that may come as a surprise to some of you who thought it was just the associated protests and recreational rioting that was the issue.

In preparation for the marching season, interested parties are being brought to neutral Cardiff where the PSNI insist they’re not intending to solve the parading issue, but reduce tensions.

Whether the Parades Commission will be influenced by this, remains to be seen.

At the same time, the north Belfast Orange Order parade organisers are making contingency plans if their parade is prevented from passing by the Ardoyne shops on 12 July – the said plans include booking the nearby Ballysillan Playing Fields as an alternative to walking to ‘The Field’.

There is, of course, a temptation to tell the loyal orders and the protestors/community groups to just get over themselves and not seek to be offended. But that misses the point.

There is validity in terms of each side’s points, validity that is often lost in the nuances of rioting.

But we also think that Norn Iron plc is missing an opportunity – an export opportunity...

You see when the G8 meeting takes place there will be thousands of protestors gathering according to some sources. In the past such meetings have seen disorder, but more hype and hysteria than anything.

Here we only need a couple of dozen on each side to have public disorder. We should therefore be able to pack off protestors and parade organisers to various parts of the world to tell people how to be more thrifty in terms of numbers in organising civil disorder.

We would even go so far as to suggest that these trade missions take place in July and August...

Can you spoke proper Engerlish?

IT seems we have a problem called literacy. And we have a problem with numeracy too.

Spoking proper Engerlish seems like a wee bit beyond the reach of some of us’uns.

Thankfully the younger generation will be receiving help to move away from text speech and social media posts like ‘rofl’ (roll on floor laughing) ‘OMG’ (Oh My God) and similar...

And the same younger generation is also being supported in counting so that they know how to spend their dole money wisely, which given levels of youth unemployment is perhaps just as well.

The reason for hope is that last year’s promise to recruit extra teachers to address poor literacy and numeracy in Northern Ireland is coming to fruition with 230 new posts being advertised shortly.

While this represents a positive step in addressing the issue of literacy and numeracy, one must question why it has been left so long? After all we have known for some time that the literacy and numeracy strategy has not met the challenges.

However, we must be thankful that positive action is being taken  and look forward to all the other education issues being resolved in this spirit...well we are eternal optimists.

Don’t be poor – it’s bad for your health

ONE of the overlooked statistics published this week is that being poor is bad for your health.

Whilst we have heard lots about us all living longer, it seems that poverty leads to you dying quicker than the mystical average.

While various parties get their knickers in a knot over a percentage here or a percentage there when it comes to religious or cultural identity, a comprehensive approach to dealing with ill-health and poverty has not as yet not been addressed.

To paraphrase Mr Blair, it is time to get tough on ill-health and the causes of ill-health.

Much public health intervention work has been undertaken in terms of targeting smokers and trying to get us all to drink responsibly and eat healthily...no more Ulster fries as hangover cures apparently...

But this is a complex problem. The culture – no not the Orange and Green culture – of Northern Ireland, and indeed Scotland and our southern neighbours has been based around hard drinking – despite temperance efforts – smoking and eating plenty when you can.

While the Executive has been encouraging entrepreneurship many have been taking up the challenges with a proliferation of chip shops and takeaways around and near the ‘working class’ estates. In one area we counted five such establishments within a few hundred yards of each other.

Education on healthy eating is maybe one course, but we suggest that the Executive focuses on attracting a swathe of takeaways who serve healthy food.

Meanwhile the middle class enjoy the coffee culture and a more balanced diet...

Maybe that’s the problem; members of the middle class are living longer, thereby costing the health service a fortune. We should be encouraging these people to eat fatty food and smoke like a dock worker, thereby ending this culture of living too long! Think of the tax revenues and the training our doctors would get in the diseases of obesity, liver damage and respiratory illness, making us global leaders in fattiness and doctors!

UKIP slip up?

WITH Nigel Farage seemingly unable to put a foot wrong he did make one slip-up, which was not just trying to have a pint in Scotland...

He said that Sinn Féin would campaign for a united Ireland leaving the EU. Sinn Féin responded with a statement which was the equivalent of the sarcastic response, “aye, dead on!”

With UKIP having one MLA in the shape of David McNarry, it does suggest that Mr Farage needs to refine his pronouncements in terms of Northern Ireland – after all as an ostensibly UK and unionist party, drawing favourable comparisons about Sinn Féin being “logical” will not endear unionist voters here...

Or maybe he has a cunning plan we have missed out on appreciating.

Eye on the Hill

All buses lead to Maghaberry...

WITH thousands of extra police officers, army teams, choppers, Air Force One, etc, etc all descending on Norn Iron for the G8 conference, it emerged that one entire prison block at Maghaberry gaol is to be set aside for arrested protestors...or at least that’s what we are telling the world’s media.

With the traffic disruption, dark glass wearing security men on every highway and byway, police motorcycle outriders and anti-globalisation protestors all threatening to interrupt our traditional June warm-up for the rioting season, all in Norn Iron know the real use the prison block will be put to.

Given this anticipated chaos, Justice Minister David Ford, while revealing that Dungannon court house will be used to process protestors who have been arrested, he neglected to mention the ‘secret sessions’. During these 'secret sessions', local applicants for rest and respite from the disruption can gain a place in Maghaberry. Of course they will have to prove they are Norn Iron residents by proper use of the phrases: “Aye, dead on”, “Yer ma!” and “Amptinat tellin’ ye that before”. Once they have done so, the doors of the prison will swing open as a gateway to escape the G8 mayhem.

While we will have a few out of work Game of Thrones extras laying on riot scenes for CNN and Al Jazeera, the rest of the population will retire peacefully to Maghaberry to watch endless re-runs of last year’s riot season, brew our own beer and toast the millions of extra cash allegedly coming to Norn Iron – just like the good/bad old days really.

It also emerged that the extra police officers being drafted in from Britain for the summit are receiving training from the PSNI in how to deal with civil disorder...

We sincerely believe this is too late. Doing it in May seems a bit rushed. The festive flag protests and other sundry disorder earlier in the year would have been the perfect opportunity to bring those officers over for some on-the-job training.

Logo to go? We’ll have 8 please

IN one of the regular spats over names, DUP and UUP MLAs slagged off the City of Culture – that’s Derry~Londonderry to you - for not identifying that it is the ‘UK’ City of Culture.

The infamously named Stroke City (because it was sometimes called Derry/Londonderry) has had its fair share of controversy over what exactly it is called. Whole teams of etymologists (look that one up in your dictionary!) have been employed for near on a century to agree on what it is actually properly called and why it is also referred to as ‘The Maiden City’ or ‘Yon Place’.

But as the team behind City of Culture responded to this perceived ‘slight’ on the rest of the UK, it emerged that “Legend-Derry’ City of Culture has eight logos. Yes, you read that right, eight logos.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying: "Culture Company branding includes eight different logos any of which can be used by different organisations as they see fit. That includes an Irish language version, an Ulster-Scots version, a UK City of Culture version, a City of Culture version as well as a Derry/Londonderry version and several other variations.”

Seems they forgot the logo for people who couldn’t care less about culture unless there’s a controversy...but then again that would have just been extravagant.

Nothing wrong with ambition...

CLINT Eastwood was famously known as the ‘Man With No Name’ for several of his Sergio Leone directed ‘Spaghetti Westerns’. In each of these, a desperate population, terrified by their plight, a mysterious stranger rode into town as an anti-hero and disposed of the ‘bad guys’.

In Norn Iron we have the ‘Party with No Name’, intending to ride into the rife torn village of Stormont to save the population from bickering and in-fighting.

We are, of course, referring to the ‘Gang of Two’, Lagan Valley MLA Basil McCrea and South Down MLA John McCallister.

Recently they have revealed that before the summer recess they will announce the name of their party. (Mc’s For Norn Iron is our suggestion!)

In a statement of confidence, Messers McCrea and McCallister say that over time they plan to be in Government with Mr McCrea as leader and a long term vision of being First Minister.

There’s nothing wrong with ambition, but perhaps they should look to getting elected in the first place next time out.

Eye on the Hill

Should I Stay Or Should I Go...

WELL would you Adam and Eve it, but the Health Minister Edwin Poots is in the eye of the storm once again.  

Last week parents of paediatric cardiac patients were up in arms over the potential end of such surgery in Norn Iron.  This week the children of the elderly are up in arms...

Yes, Transforming Your Care, the document designed to shape the way forward for our health service, had said that more elderly people wanted to be cared for in their own homes. So the health trusts promptly started announcing they would be closing their nursing and care homes.

Zimmer frames and walking sticks at the ready, the elderly began manning the barricades, ready to repel any demolition men, but allowing journalists through for interviews.

One journalist reported that an attempt was made by one pensioner to bite a manager in the style of Luis Suarez but their false teeth dropped out at an inopportune moment.

Minister Poots, in his softly spoken and eloquent manner, said handling of the announced closures had been a “disaster” and claimed that local health mandarins had “over-stepped the mark”.

D’Oh! As Homer Simpson might say... It was Minister Poots that said that publicly owned homes should close. It’s just that the boards were moving quicker than he anticipated.

At the same time, is there likely to be an increase in private care and nursing home provision? We’ll leave that as a rhetorical question for our readers to decide on...

Of course our health system has to change with the times, but we couldn't help but noticing that latest statistics clearly say that more people are living longer...which suggests that even if more people wish to stay at home longer, there will still be a rise in demand for places in nursing and care homes...

In just the same way that more babies are surviving with complex conditions – like cardiac problems – than ever before, one cannot help but notice that recent decisions suggest that statisticians in the health department were reading the wrong set of figures...

Breakdown services needed...

QUICK! Call the AA! We have a breakdown in our examination systems!

Yes, Norn Iron has spoken! We don’t want no truck with that revisionist A level nonsense. We like our A and AS levels just the way they are, and no tinkering thank you very much!

What this all boils down to is that in England, education secretary Michael Gove wants A levels back to the way they were when only Oxbridge candidates got the benefit of doing one set of examinations at the end of upper sixth.

Whether one believes Gove is a visionary, a true man of Middle England, or just plain bonkers, it is clear that his plans have gotten the thumbs down in Norn Iron.

A survey showed that most head teachers were strongly opposed to the plans from the Engerland education secretary and want things just the way they are.

Which means that if the change to Engerland’s A levels takes place in 2015, and presuming the land of tartan stays in the UK, there could be four separate systems for universities to assess before agreeing to accept the next generation of degenerates, sorry we meant students.

Will the Scottish highers be given the same weight as Norn Ireland A Levels, or will the Gove A levels trump them all?

Frankly, we think that education minister John O’Dowd is building a case for an all-Ireland examination system, which would at least have the benefit of being less complicated. Baccalaureate anyone?

Conservative, libertarian success...

CONSERVATIVES are not, as we write this, having a good day, except if you are conservative with a small ‘c’ and have a large UKIP rosette pinned to your lapel.

As we write this, we see that UKIP is gaining council seats across England, and even coming a credible second in the South Shields by-election . The coalition partners in the shape of the Tories and the Lib Dems have received an electoral bloody nose.

Of course this could all change, but it does signal a potential shift to the right in terms of Tory policy to regain ground from UKIP, before the next general election.

Of course, in Norn Iron UKIP MLA David McNarry must be thinking that he timed his shift to UKIP just right!

Eye on the Hill

Take the next exit to anywhere

WE’RE on the road to nowhere, running up bills and on a highway to the high court…

Yes, the A5 saga rolls on like a juggernaut sloughing off the carriageway, the road that goes nowhere is now costing more than a tank fuel of diesel – with land purchases alone costing almost £800,000.

Now, Minister for trains, drains, and automobiles – a.k.a. Minister for Regional Development – Danny Kennedy might have been safely buckled in ahead of the latest ruling from the judiciary; who let’s face it have a nice road trundling into North Down.

But buckled in or not, the defeat threw the entire A5 project spinning off like a rear wheel drive car on ice in March.

Now, the £300m upgrade to the road between Aughnacloy and Derry~Londonderry is stalled, with the ignition unable to turn any further until an assessment on the impact on the rivers Foyle and Finn ‘Special Areas of Conservation’.

Still, not a man to twiddle his thumbs in a traffic jam, Minister Kennedy has fired up the turbocharged Ministerial car and torn up the tarmac to meet the Ulster Farmers’ Union and other interested parties to tell them just how good the A5 will be when it is made a  dual carriageway.

But, as we pondered the problem stuck in an interminable line of barely moving traffic, like the bull bars on a farmer’s 4x4, it hit us! The A5 project is linked to Tyrone in the westerly part of Norn Iron, this must be a project to line the pockets of lawyers...

Bear with us here: Fermanagh also in the west is amongst the areas earmarked for ‘fracking’, the hydraulic fracturing of mother earth to release gases that she has previously held tight in her grasp.

With these two projects destined to be caught in claim and counter-claim, reviews, enquiries and judicial pronouncements, the region’s economy will receive a massive boost as solicitors and barristers vie for the best profile coming out of the courts, whilst trying not to smile about the tens of thousands they’ll be trousering...

Shrine to anything you want

NORN Iron seeks controversy where it can find it – like a rabbid red-top newspaper editor faced with getting headlines without hacking, everyone in this wee outpost of Europe seems to like a bit of bother.

It has even been alleged by seasoned members of the commentariat that some people will travel a long way to be offended.

This week, the proposed centre for peace and reconciliation had all sorts of people running to find a media crew to tell them that the plan was great/shocking/insulting and all things that wind up people determined to be wound up.

Touted as being four times the size of Canary Wharf and with the promise of 5,000 permanent jobs, there are petitions against it, praise for it and generally division lines where one seeks division lines.

However, there is one promise that is being praised on BBC Radio Ulster, that is the location of the annual farmers’ jamboree – the Balmoral Show – with marquees sprouting up quicker than rain-drenched spuds.

Clamping the way

SINN Féin will be pleased to note this week that at least one government department – and one overlorded by an Ulster Unionist minister - is taking strides towards collapsing the border.

Yes, the Minister for Regional Development, Danny Kennedy is allowing Norn Iron’s traffic wardens to authorise clamping cars from the Republic for unpaid parking fines.

With this all-island approach to parking fines, Sinn Féin may well be raising a glass to toast Mr Kennedy, however, we believe there is a more plausible explanation.

It is the latest stage in the federation of traffic wardens’ bid to take over the world – eventually all our cars will be immobilised until we all agree to a totalitarian state of traffic wardens…

Eye on the Hill

Too many carbons

AS that esteemed political analyst and Top Gear presenter has said there are too many carbons, or as the more scientifically minded might say the rise in carbon dioxide in the atmosphere may result in doom for the species.

Hyperbole aside, it is reassuring to know that Norn Iron is doing its bit to save the world; or as the green movement of the 80s might have said, thinking globally, acting locally.

This week the Assembly agreed to pass the draft Carbon Reduction Commitment Energy Efficiency Order 2013, a step to making Norn Iron more energy efficient.

The scheme will involve energy gobbling coming at a cost with the onus on government especially to stop its buildings bleeding energy, as if it were an infinite resource.

However, we do wonder will the energy efficiency tests be applied to the hotels ministers and officials use as they jet set around the world… or will that just be a carbons check too far?

But on a positive note, our environment Minister Alex Attwood has announced that solar panels for businesses, farms and schools no longer need planning permission…here comes the sun everyone!

The youth gone wild

THIS week the Minister for Employment and Learning, Dr Stephen Farry was doing much to trumpet his schemes designed to address youth unemployment.

However, no matter how much Dr Farry had hoped to address the issue of youth unemployment it remains the highest in the UK.

But more baffling is the assertion by the Minister that we invest more in youth unemployment – and the best solution so far is the ‘public sector’.

Dr Farry said in the Assembly: “…the private sector is not yet big enough to sustain this by itself and offer all the required work experience opportunities. Therefore, we need buy-in from the public sector and the community and voluntary sector.”

So, despite calls to reduce the size of the public sector from various parts of the Assembly, including Dr Farry’s ministerial colleagues, a Northern Ireland Executve Minister publicly admits that the public sector can get unemployed youths work experience.

Have we gone mad, or is it just that our Executive has more sides than a dodecahedron and twice as many opinions on any given matter...on reflection we’re not mad...

Just G8 Gr8

ISN’T it great that the G8 is coming to our wee country! Obama, Putin, and all their cronies will be dandering round the highways and byways of Co. Fermanagh, with their press entourages, plus a few protestors to boot.

Already the PSNI are drafting in extra help and warning of traffic disruption around airports and most of the region.

In the Assembly, Justice Minister David Ford sought to reassure members that all will be well; and that the £30m tab to police the event was being picked up by David Cameron; although not personally out of his bank account.

He did warn of mass protests, but the PSNI would seek to “facilitate” such protests.

That is a sight we can’t wait to behold. A crowd of PSNI officers and a crowd of protesters  “You go first!” “No, you go first!”

Learning the lessons from the flag protests and the summer rioting, we expect much more civilized protests. Facilitating rioting will mean that only approved riots will take place, and PSNI will ensure that the rioters are in place and ready with petrol bombs and assorted missiles, before the global media arrives for a few stylish shots.

Then a quick cut in the news reporting to one of the G8 ministers condemning the rioting but reminding us all that these global titans have solved all the world’s problems…apart from Norn Iron’s that is!

Eye on the Hill

Gizza some money...please!

WE'D like some money, saieth the men of the Norn Iron Executive to their paymasters at Her Majesty's Treasury, and some of that control of corporation tax also please.

Nay, saieth the venerable Secretary of State, Ms Villiers - you need to be nice boys and girls and learn to share.

Share? Saieth the Norn Iron Executive, we already share and are nice boys and girls. We have a nice table we sit around and we share all the nice things that our wee executive have control of.

Ahh, but have you a plan to share, saieth the Secretary of State?

Err, no saieth the boys and girls, we just sort of play this thing by ear and pretty much share that power thing.

Well, if you are not nice boys and girls, no extra money to help you along...

And thus the saga of aid to Norn Iron continued, with no happy ending in sight; where endless positions are shuffled and strange things happen.

In a nutshell our fairy story is about how Norn Iron hasn't agreed a shared future strategy, and Ms Villiers says you need to be 'nice' to each other.

But, our heroes in the Executive remain dogged saying they don't need a piece of paper to get along.

So the tale goes on, and once more no-one hears a happily ever after and life goes on its merry way for the rest of us.

Bye Bye Lady Thatcher...

 NO-ONE can deny the presence that Baroness Thatcher cast over the political landscape (she preferred Lady Thatcher to Baroness Thatcher according to ‘reputable’ right wing newspapers).

  

Lady Thatcher certainly was a figure of hate for both sides of Norn Iron’s political divide during the 80s proving that she wasn’t as divisive as people say; her stand over Hunger Strikers led to riots on the streets in republican and nationalist areas, while her signing of the Anglo-Irish Agreement led to riots on the streets in loyalist and unionist areas.

As her £10m plus funeral arrangements are put in place and Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson glad hands the former Apartheid South African Premier, FW De Klerk, one notes that the BBC is forced into a quandary over the charts.

In an attempt by those who rejected Lady Thatcher’s tough love to the economy and even the union, the sing from that playful allegorical movie ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ is being touted as a potential Chart topper. The song is, “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead”.

Just as people have been getting their knickers in a knot by either solemn remembrance or because of parties, it seems a relative storm in a teacup and one suspects Lady Thatcher at her prime would have enjoyed the joke rather than the posturing by both sides.

Bagged and tagged

 HAVE you got your five pennies ready? If not when you approach your local retail outlet remember to have your re-useable bag to hand.

In the same way that you have your recycled bag, the Norn Iron Executive has recycled policies from elsewhere – like those from our cousins south of the border.

We hope that this trend continues; where something sensible is proposed we can then adopt it. However, this isn’t always the case. The widespread abuse of libel laws to challenge scientific publications has been addressed in England and Wales. Not the case here, where it has been rejected by Finance Minister, Mr Wilson.

As a former Economics teacher, Mr Wilson should be aware that economics has various trends and opinions, with other people’s views often challenged by academics with differing views. With Norn Iron not offering the same protection will an academic journal or paper now be open to challenge in our courts?

But at least we can be content that the plague of carrier bags will be addressed – we hope!

Journal of a (senior) Civil Servant

 MONDAY: Minister irritating everyone, but got him a nice warm mug of Horlicks and his favourite biccies and he’s calmed down

TUESDAY: Minister needs all sorts of stuff for questions in the Assembly – the intern can do that as I need to write a business case for something….what was it, oh yes that ‘trip’ the minister and I discussed

WEDNESDAY: New York here we come – Minister gives me and the other bod I work with the nod to join him on a ‘fact-finding’ trip. As the plebs would say ‘aye right’ but they don’t realize how tough a job we have

THURSDAY: Swimming trunks and sun tan lotion packed for our trip at the weekend to a lovely Mediterranean resort

FRIDAY: So much for that planned golf afternoon – Minister wants a trip to some city in the US arranged, but would settle for a jaunt to Canada. Must get the secretary to book that.. I might manage to get nine holes in before that black tie dinner with the fee wine.

Of course, we don’t believe this leaked journal, suspecting it to be a false trail laid by a disgruntled journalist, or plain fiction of a diseased mind (not ours – honestly!).

However, while some visits may be justified and essential we wonder just why there is a need for two or more civil servants to accompany a minister – just how many bags are they carrying?

Eye on the Hill

Missile Crisis

AS military forces line up in and around the Korean Peninsula, the US General in charge of the armies has been inspecting the troops.

After checking out the tanks and artillery of the South Koreans he declared himself impressed.

He walked beside the might of the US air force, chatting to the airmen and was delighted at their combat readiness.

Sailors from the South Korean and US Navies were lined up and he was assured by their poise and preparedness.

As he came to the end of the line there was a flatbed trailer, loaded with planks, concrete, a mixer and a clatter of bricks.

In front of it were five men, all wearing leather box jackets, with dodgy moustaches and broad Belfast accents.

Non-plussed by this sight the General asked them what they were going to bring to the battle.

“Battle mate? Nah we’re not here for a battle we’re opening an Irish Bar and a social club.”

Whatever happened to…

IT used to be a regular staple of newspaper columns; dig up some old fading star or starlet, find them working in a chippy and then run a ‘whatever happened to’ story.

In that fine tradition the Assembly will, in this coming week, have a debate on whatever happened to the Civic Forum.

Proposed by the SDLP triumvirate of Colum Eastwood, John Dallat and Dolores Kelly the motion calls for the return of the Civic Forum to help sort this benighted region…

Which is a task that even the esteemed minds of MLAs have found virtually impossible, so if anyone can, maybe the Civic Forum can?

Of course this motion will not succeed, simply because vested party interests don’t want anyone undermining their authority. What’s more it might show some people up.

With the great and good of civic society – and a few others too – sure to be disappointed by the prospect that the Civic Forum has no prospects, they are struggling to get their voices heard, especially on the media.

So, we have a suggestion – start your own TV reality show. The premise is simple: crowd of people crammed into a house with tasks to complete. First on the agenda will be economic recovery. If they manage that they’ll be let out of the house and sent to solve that wee problem in the Korean Peninsula.

We predict a riot...

To paraphrase the Kaiser Chiefs, we predict a riot this week coming. Okay in Norn Iron that’s a pretty safe prediction as 20 weeks of the year you are guaranteed some form of civil disorder.

What we are predicting is a riot when the week’s Committee business of the Assembly gets underway.

In the Education Committee there will fun and games when the Minister, John O’Dowd, comes before the members to explain Area Planning: which given all the controversy surrounding closures will mean the point scoring exercise will be well underway.

Oh, and they’ll be discussing school uniforms too…

Meanwhile this week will see the Public Accounts Committee discuss its Inquiry into the PSNI employing agency staff and its inquiry into the Organisational Review of Department Oversight at the Fire Service.

Both of which are potential tinderboxes.

During this week’s plenary session we will also see the First Minister and Deputy First Minister answering questions on the cost of their recent jaunt to the US and exactly what is going on in terms of yon Corporate Tax debacle.

And from that list there is sure to be an issue or two to provoke a media riot for rentaquotes from all the parties.

Worryingly for citizens in the Korean Peninsula the Assembly All Party Group on International Development is not scheduled to meet this week.

Eye on the Hill

Taxing times

IT'S all Alex Salmond's fault - him and those crazy Cypriot bankers! If it wasn't for them Norn Iron would have control over its own Corporation Tax rates with the prospect of multi-national businesses throwing their cash into 'our wee country'.

Instead, Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness trooped disconsolately away from Downing Street, heads bowed, saying they were disappointed that Davey Boy Cameron had thrown in the towel and said, "away ye go lads!".

There is a rational reason for not giving the folks on the Hill the power to strike our own corporation tax rate; the  small matter of Scotland voting on whether to reduce the United Kingdom to three component parts (what the UK will then be called is another matter altogether!).

In the run up to next September’s vote, the PM won’t want Norn Iron demands for devolving corporation tax to muddy the waters. Giving the Scots the same powers as us would prove a lot more costly to the bean counters in Whitehall.

Winter's deathly grip

ONE would be a hard-hearted not to have total sympathy for those stranded by the recent snow storms leaving so many individuals cut off and hundreds of sheep and livestock dead or dying. 

Northern Ireland's fast response MLAs have covered themselves in nothing short of ignominy. Thursday night of last week the snow started and by Friday evening it was clear that this was more than the usual spring flurries so often encountered here.

As it was then the weekend and ministers and MLAs alike were ready for their Easter recess, our politicians were not at hand, other than to build snowmen and chuckle at all the cute kids sledding down the hill at Stormont.

Where was the emergency Executive meeting? Where was the urgent response to this agri-crisis? Equivocation began on Tuesday, to be quickly replaced by waffle, photo-opportunities and general hand washing. Decisions were in short supply, as talk of compensation was batted back and forth across the air waves.

By Tuesday night/Wednesday morning it was agreed that the RAF  Chinooks were needed and by Thursday Irish Air Corp helicopters them.

When did the emergency meeting of the Committee for Agriculture take place? Thursday. Mind you, this was a meeting of MLAs that could not compel action, but could only scrutinise such action and generate a lot of hot air.

To summarise - a week after the snow began MLAs at last sat down to talk.

Surely in this 21st Century communications era those charged with ministerial responsibility could have connected through those amazing devices called telephones and had some sort of Executive meeting, even if their laneways had more than a dusting of snow flakes.

Surely by Saturday, when the plight of farmers and stranded communities became clear someone would have displayed leadership and acted with some sense of urgency.

There was none forthcoming, with one prominent member of our Assembly blaming "the weather".

We live in a temperate part of the world, where hurricanes and virtually unknown, ice-storms never take place and temperatures are generally like Goldilocks porridge - not too warm and not too cold. We experience no volcanic eruptions and earthquakes are so mild none but the most sensitive detectors even note they happen at all.

But as all forecasters outside the loony fringe of climate-change deniers acknowledge, the weather cycles are more and more likely to be subject to change and alteration, requiring better response from all agencies to floods etc.

And it is no use blaming the Met Office. Weather is a dynamic, chaotic system that requires an understanding of probability for anything beyond a few days reliable predictions. But should our elected representative try to blame the Met Office, they could do well to remember that last week's snow was well forecast.

Was it beyond the bounds of likelihood for one member of the Executive or an official to pick up the phone and ask whether they should make some contingency for the weather? Obviously it was.

Happy Easter/Ishtar

AS we mark Easter, or for those who worship ancient Babylonian Gods, Ishtar, we would like to wish all our readers and clients the greetings of the season and with the clock's about to change hope that spring will see re-birth for the political process.

While we may despair at the ongoing violence of minute terror gangs on both sides of the divide, or the horrors of the ongoing strife in Syria, we would ask you to remember the work of evolutionary psychologist Stephen Pinker, who notes that there is no safer time in recorded history to be alive.

Enjoy your eggs and see you next week! 

Eye on the Hill

A lot more work to be done…
PRESIDENT Barack Obama – that’s the guy in charge of the US of A for those not paying attention – has declared more work needs to be done here in Norn Iron.

As he hosted the globe-trotting First Minister and Deputy First Minister Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness on the latest stop in their world tour, Obama greeted them in the Oval Office for St Patrick’s Day.

The dynamic duo will be returning to Norn Iron in sufficient time for the Easter Assembly Recess…the two weeks MLAs enjoy following their hard work since Christmas and after their own day off for St Patrick’s Day.

Then our elected representatives have that long slog until they reach the May Day Bank Holidays, which should tide them over until their several summer weeks off.

Even teachers are looking on enviously…

However, with unemployment figures rising again, one Stormont Minister was at least able to announce one growth sector.

Employment and Learning Minister, Dr Stephen Farry this week opened the new Job Centre Offices in Cookstown.

The new centre offers a “spacious, welcoming and professional environment for customers” who are known as the unemployed in less politically correct circles.

See the Assembly at its busiest
STUCK for something to do over the Easter Holidays? Fear not, you can take friends, family and distant relatives on a free tour of Parliament Buildings at its busiest…during recess when most MLAs are ensconced safely back in their constituencies.

Yes, the iconic big white house at the top of the hill is running free hourly tours Monday to Friday between 10am and 3pm.

You can now head up to the big house without any fear of bumping into an MLA trying to do you a favour to earn an extra vote.

You’ll get to see the chamber where MLAs sometimes turn up to make laws, or slag off the other side in a pointless debate that one side or another has tried really hard to be offended by.

Great G8
THIS week we learned that the G8 will be Gr8 for Norn Iron.

In written answers to MLAs’ questions the dynamic duo of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuiness emailed from their latest stop on their worldwide tour to tell the Assembly that Invest NI and the Norn Iron Tourist Board will be pulling out all the stops to bring long term economic benefits to Fermanagh Council and the rest of the wee country.

Short term benefits will include those for event management companies, catering companies and transport firms.

It was also revealed that around 2,000 members of the media are expected to be present.

We hope that at least half of them will be reporting on the G8 summit and not looking for a recreational riot to beam worldwide. Even if they don’t find one at least we can expect it to be one hell of a bar bill!

Irish language and the tale of the chip shop
IS there something deeply ingrained in the national psyche of Irish Language speakers that attracts them to deep fried food.

Of course the entire population of Norn Iron likes a feed of food fried in lard, but details emerged this week of a specific penchant amongst Irish speakers for the food that beckons a cardiac arrest.

In a written Assembly Answer it was revealed that help has been given by Foras na Gaeilge to erect Irish language signage at: Brown’s Chippy, The Village Chippy, and Barnes Fish and Chip Shop.

At least those in search of a battered sausage need never worry about finding the right place if they only speak Irish.

Previously only the smell of freshly frying fish had helped direct their quest.

But fear not Ulster Scots speakers, because money is being spent on your fair tongue too!

Tourism iApps are being developed and a scoping study is being held to establish a baseline of present pipes and drums to establish if tourists can be attracted to the skirl of the pipes. We wonder about this as we’re pretty sure we sent bagpipes to Scotland as a joke and the Scots haven’t got the joke yet…

Eye on the Hill

Maze of transformation

CONFLICTS leave an aftermath, whether it is of aggrieved victims, groups who refuse to accept the ‘war’ is over, or landmarks to the conflict, there is always a legacy.

And, in our nasty little conflict with no clear ‘winner’ it is those landmarks that have long been in contention, whether it is a disused army barracks, or a former police station they have aroused all sorts of weird feelings.

None more so than the Maze/Long Kesh Prison site. Here were the infamous ‘H’ blocks; the site of a mass prison break, hunger strikes and the incarceration of prisoners from both republican and loyalist groups.

For years the future of the site has been negotiated over, debated over and held false promise.

First it was to be an international sports stadium… but that fell by the wayside. Then it was to be the site of a conflict resolution centre…but that fell at the first hurdle on the nearby racecourse.

But with a sense of bold foresight the Royal Ulster Agricultural Society decided to upsticks from its King’s Hall venue in Belfast and move its showgrounds to the Maze.

After all it is a big site for animals…

Now the DUP has taken a corporate decision to let the conflict resolution centre go ahead, as an international centre for addressing how to get over all that bickering and fighting over pieces of land and methods of government.

Sinn Féin have magnanimously said any such centre would be about all involved in the Maze during the prison’s former life…prisoners, guards, soldiers and police.

So that’s all right then – we can have the landmark architect appointed and get on with it.

We have no comment to add, other than to say we are just glad somebody has finally made a decision…

April Fool’s Day…

YOU’D have to be a fool to turn down a pay rise – wouldn’t you?

Well that’s exactly what some members of our esteemed and respected Assembly are going to do, according to a poll in today’s (Friday) Belfast Telegraph.

The unappreciative members of the SDLP and UUP MLA are to turn down pay rises that will see the hard-working, resolute and determined members of the Assembly receive just rewards of £48,000 per year, committee chairs and Junior Ministers to receive a total of £60,000 per year, ministers to receive £86,000 per year and First Minister and Deputy First Minister to receive £120,000 each.

It would surely take a fool to turn down the extra wonga…

Except for the fact that they will lose some money as a result of cuts in expenditure they are allowed to claim for.

Various MLAs of differing hue and cry were quick to rush forward and say that the extra cash would go to office staff salaries to make up for this cut. And, the bean counters also said that this would result in a net saving of over £3.16m.

All well and good, except that some MLAs pay less than £5,000 in staff costs – it’s on the Assembly website, if you don’t believe us.

And then there are some MLAs saying that they may have had to make staff redundant or cut services, if they don’t take the pay rise, given the cut in their office allowances.

The UKIP MLA, David McNarry, argued that MLAs are ‘hard-working’ and that there was a need to attract “cleverer people than me…”.

As it is the first pay rise in 10 years, maybe they deserve a few extra quid, but it really is a downright silly decision. To put it in plain language, the money MLAs get to pay low wage support staff is to be reduced, while the MLAs will get a pay hike, which some will have to re-direct to make sure those support staff can stay in a job or not see their pay cut.

And the pay rise is being introduced on April 1st…no more fitting day than that can be imagined.

Theology aside…

THE DUP have had long ideological differences with the Vatican and its Head of State, the Pope.

However, there may have been a few who raised a glass of non-alcoholic beverage to their lips when Pope Francis was announced.

After all this promises to be no liberal reformer papcy…Frankie is clear that same sex marriage is bad, and abortion is very bad.

Strange bedfellows can be found in religion, as in politics.

In other election news, the new President of China Xi Jinping was confirmed, as well as new premier Li Keqiang. Out of a poll of 3,000 legislators Mr Li only three voted against his premiership, with six abstentions. Messers Robinson and McGuinnes can only dream of such voting, but are hurriedly on the phone from Brazil to arrange their next visit to China.

What you say? The leaders of Norn Iron are in Brazil? Try to keep up there! It’s a trade mission.

Brazil, is a member of the BRIC nations – Brazil, Russia, India and China. While developed world languishes in the ‘bankster’ fuelled recession, the BRIC nations are where the economic action really is. It only makes sense for the First Minister and deputy First Minister to go on tour there. Really, it does. Sadly as the Vatican is not one of the BRIC nations, Pope Francis will have to come here, rather than Peter and Martin going to meet him.

Heated debate

APPARENTLY there was a heated debate in the Assembly this week.

Given the stormy passions aroused by this debate we are going to say nothing about it other than to say it went according to form.

Next week another sham fight is planned in the Assembly will be staged about something or another while unreported and unacknowledged some MLAs and civil servants are getting on with running the country.