“We just hate everyone” – a statement from the masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex society

THE politics of condemnation is one that all politicians and almost all commentators have become all too familiar with over the period of the Troubles and in more recent weeks.

But sometimes there is sheer bewilderment at the stupidity, arrogance and hate-filled spite that spews from some.

If it was not bad enough that some of the so-called dissident groups murdered, in cold blood, Constable Ronan Kerr, or that morons targeted a football manager, we had to listen to a litany of targets and collaborators from a masked idiot.

The police were targets, with Roman Catholic officers being prime targets, and anyone else they might come up with on a Saturday night. But, they also slammed Church men, constitutional politicians, the GAA and no doubt were adding anyone in the rest of the population of Ireland, north and south, to their potential legitimate targets, along with the entire nations of Scotland, England and Wales, with the EU to follow shortly afterwards.

They are the worst sort of masked idiots; ones with no real agenda other than hatred and violence. Whatever agenda they may pretend to have is so out of touch with the reality experienced by the majority of Northern Ireland’s 1.8m residents. Sure we rarely agree on anything, but the days of sectarian murder, town centres crippled and pulverised, lives and limbs torn apart are behind us. What sort of twisted nostalgia wants that all to happen again.

We have a theory: masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex. It’s a personality disorder that feels that the sufferer’s life is not complete unless a notional state entity, is wedded with conspirators in churches and politics, working with every civilian to punish illegally the sufferer’s ‘cause’.

The sufferers of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex are easy to spot by their actions, such as wittering on to a few dozen halfwits, murdering people and trying to destroy the economy.

Unfortunately they are harder to identify as their idea of fashion is a balaclava and they prefer to skulk about in the dead of night committing their foul deeds against humanity.

We’d like to offer a final message to sufferers’ of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex from a Republican background: we slag off anyone and everyone in a form of humour sometimes called satire. We’re not always good at it, but we are even-handed, so sufferers from a Loyalist background have been our legitimate targets too. But we target with words. Perhaps you’d be so kind to seek psychiatric help in the meantime.

Colour coding Norn Iron

WE’RE a thoughtful bunch here in Norn Iron – we colour code areas of staunch sectarian attitudes. We can safely lay claim to being the first, if not the only country to colour code sectarianism.

No, not something straightforward as flags or bunting: no, we go one step further and colour code our pavements’ kerbing.

Although the practice is dying out as quickly as traditional industries and support for paramiltarism, there are still parts of Belfast were you will know by way of a green, white and gold kerb, or a red, white and blue kerb, just what the general affiliation of the inhabitants is.

But with the passing of the majority of pavement artistes there has emerged another reliable sign of when you move from one demographic affiliation to another; that is the election poster.

If you see a large amount of DUP and UUP posters then in all likelihood you’ll know you are in a Loyalist/Unionist ward. Similarly, a large amount of Sinn Féin and SDLP posters and you are in a Republican/Nationalist ward.

And, if the net value of the houses in the ward is well above the average then you might see Alliance posters.

[In terms of balance we’d like to say there are other parties contesting the election, check them out on reliable media; or failing that try the local papers, BBC and UTV].

With such sectarian colour coding, it reveals a deep flaw in Northern Ireland politics. The four largest parties do not aspire to gain votes from, wait for it, “the Other Side”.

Much as a token member or voter will appear when politically opportune, or for media purposes, the parties have not the confidence in their message to have any ambition of winning voters by argument. If they did, the arguments on so-called bread and butter issues would justify campaigning in every ward.

Instead we have what we have: the old saying that we get the politicians we deserve may well be true after all.

Aren’t bank holidays inconvenient?

THERE has been much moaning about the Royal Wedding by those fed up with the wall-to-wall media love-in, and privately even the staunchest Royalist unionist politician must be fed up with the whole affair...err not that we’re suggesting a Royal Affair!

First there was Easter and the Assembly election campaign on the stumps stumbled as banks were closed Good Friday and Easter Monday, while some other employers offered staff Easter Monday and Tuesday. Canvassers didn’t know what the score was at all.

Then there was the big yellow ball in the sky...sunshine in Norn Iron at Easter? It’s practically unheard of. Voters were seen in cars actually preparing to go the beach! And, they weren’t wearing seven layers of thermals and a knitted sweater.

A late Easter and then the nuptials of Prince William and Katherine Middleton... With the beneficence of a medieval Lord, Prime Minister Cameron granted us another public holiday.

At the time even nationalists raised a brief huzzah at the thought of another day away from the sweatshop. But now political parties are muttering.

Four days when you can’t guarantee if the punters will be in to harass with good weather, and Champions League semi-finals to boot...

But while they have been bemoaning the wedding, weather and days off voters beware! With all that time off we believe that they will be all marshalling their energies, gathering the canvassing troops and heading to doorsteps and media studios across the land.

Baton down the hatches, get the dog ready to bark the loudest, or simply tell them that you’ve made up your mind, so please, go away. If only it was that easy.

Promises, promises...don’t give me your promises! #ae11

YOU really know when an election is in full swing! It’s when parties can make a whole series of empty promises. Yes, roll-up, roll-up to hear how all the problems of Norn Iron can be solved by just voting for the party that promises the most!

This week we have the DUP saying there will be no increase in student fees and no water charges. Sammy Wilson may be the prophet of economic doom before the election, but largesse seems to have been found somewhere.

We do wonder what sort of cuts elsewhere will need to be made to pay for this, and whether his future party colleagues will agree to these.

And, Sinn Féin is in on the act too now. They’re promising a referendum on a united Ireland, knowing full well that it will not gain the necessary cross-community backing. That’s not to mention aiming for an all-island health service free at the point of delivery, despite knowing that the Dáil will need several months of cutting everything to be able to afford a fraction of the cost involved in realising this. An unlikely scenario, given the crippling debt repayments the country is having to make thanks to the profligacy of its banks.

So, if you believe these promises – along with the bright shiny talk emanating from the other parties – we urge you to remember the last Executive. Round that big table at Stormont Castle parties had difficulty agreeing and taking decisions on a number of big ticket issues; the future of our children’s education, local government reform, ending double jobbing... When a prospective MLA comes round your door, don’t ask them their policies or promises. Instead ask them if they think they can get their coalition colleagues to agree with them. Expect a fudged answer at best.

Windmills at Stormont! #ae11

THE Green Party has declared that Norn Iron can be a low-carbon region. While this is laudable, it does not make any recommendations as to how we can reduce the global warming caused by the hot air spewing forth from Parliament Buildings during plenary debates!

During an idle moment we considered the options.

Not to state the obvious, but despite recent appearance of the big shiny ball in the sky, solar power isn’t really a runner for much of our energy needs.

However, there two weather elements that we have in copious quantities – wind and rain. Starter for 10 – every new home has to have a big barrel that’s contents are used for flushing the loo. Wait until our politicians do their sums again and realise they need to charge us for water, before Norn Iron goes broke; you’ll see a rush on rain barrels.

Which leads us on to wind power. While there are some funky wind farms out there and others being planned, we think that we can make savings by using small ideas. Remember as a child you had the wee windmills on the end of a plastic stick? You don’t – childhood poverty must go back a few years!

Well, to cut to the chase, the walk up to Parliament Buildings is cold and windy most of the year; so fit hundreds if not thousands of these wee windmills along the way, each connected to a rechargeable battery. Simple – MLAs could even use these batteries to keep their mobile phones charged the next time they feel the need to call Stephen Nolan...

All of this was going to be a lead up to a literary reference about spotting which Assembly candidate has been tilting at windmills, but instead it is an allusion to the fact that like it or not, the economy will need to be top of the agenda, if the new Executive is to keep even half the promises being made during this election!

Confused? You’re not alone!

WE believed with all sincerity that the forthcoming convergence of Assembly and council elections was a good thing, but now we’re worried about the poor voter.

Adorning lampposts across Norn Iron is the usual kaleidoscope of party contenders. On a short journey across varied highways and byways we spotted a variety of party hopefuls.

In some areas, parties have two lists of candidates on the same lamppost, and other areas the same candidates are running as Assembly candidates and council candidates (we got that from the post from Mark McGregor and subsequent debate on Slugger O’Toole).

Which means that the poor voter will be confronted with a two different ballot papers; sometimes with completely different names, and sometimes with the same names?

But we have a cunning plan. In four years time, they’ll have to pick one or the other! What! Has that been suggested already? Oh, so it has! And rejected... Ho Hum, another cunning plan then: when the parties have had their fun, we’ll cut the number of local councils! What! Has this been suggested already? Oh, so it has! And rejected...Ho Hum, our last attempt at a cunning plan then: MLAs to actually make a decision! Now that really would be something worth voting for!

From whence the mainstream emerged

FOR years and years anoraks across the land have been predicting the end of mainstream journalism; when a cast of thousands of citizen journalists (a.k.a. anoraks) will tell the tales that the newspapers and broadcast media have neither the time nor the inclination to cover.

Like all the ‘truths’ told in Norn Iron, it is only half the truth and less than a quarter of the facts.

Blogs, comment boards, Twitter, Facebook and every other half popular social media outlet has been pouring from the keyboards of frustrated so-called experts with increasing fervour and vitriol since the Obama election was proclaimed by those who ran out of hyperbole as the web2.0 election.

While the Westminster election acted as the warm-up here, this time Norn Iron has been deluged by every sort of commentator making the cross-over between social and mainstream media as the Assembly elections draw ever closer – not to mention the local government polls and AV referendum.

While the journey leaders of Mark Devenport at the BBC and Mick Fealty and his cohorts on Slugger O’Toole have been blogging for years, we have now a raft of Tweet Ups, UTV specials, Nolan Show and Talkback Twitter comments, party tweet ups and a clamour to integrate and populate the debate.

Hurrah! The electorate can get involved, cheer on the policies they want and spout forth with ranks of amateurs raising their voices.

Twitter feeds signed up to by politicos that were silent for months have suddenly come alive, Facebook statuses are now updated regularly, and we’ve even had the opportunity to read about candidates experiences out canvassing.

Which all bodes well one would think. But we have a dark nagging fear, as we lie awake at night... We fear that a lot of the political aspect of social media here is of interest to us anoraks, while the rest of the country use social media to, well to be social!

The true test will come in terms of turn-out. Did the extra effort on the web really engage the electorate? We hope so, but in the meantime there are a few comments we need to post...anoraks of the world unite: after all, the geeks will inherit the earth.

What shape the NI Executive?

ACCORDING to two parties, the Norn Iron Executive (that is our powersharing cabinet) was a dysfunctional trading floor, where bullying and stitch-ups were the norm.

At least one other party wants to reform it, for what appears to be singular self interest.

But, realistically, what cabinet is not dysfunctional, made up of compromise and occasional ill-will? We only need to reflect on the Tory/Lib Dem cabinet to see it in action in Whitehall, and cast your mind back to Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s tenure at Downing Street, and the various biographies show that she had to compromise with the ‘Wets’ no matter what might have been said by the Iron Lady in public.

So, realistically, barring a total meltdown in the vote of the UUP and SDLP, it will be a cabinet where Sinn Féin and the DUP carve up the issues they agree on, fight on ideological issues, ignore junior parties and hand out money to the justice budget whenever David Ford creases his beard.

Given the recent attacks and murder of Constable Ronan Kerr, a dysfunctional, rowing Executive may be a price worth paying.

Media confused but battling on as usual

YOU cannot get moving across the mainstream media broadcast channels and the acres of newsprint without seeing a political analysis. You can at least switch off the party political broadcasts, but BBC, UTV and the main three daily papers are crowded by politicians and pundits.


But there is an element of confusion appearing in the coverage.

The more enlightened (or naive) journalist wants to talk about health, education, water charges or other ‘proper’ political topics. Talk shows on the radio are even devoting hour long specials on these.

In the meantime, McGinty’s goat is sure that as long as you pin the right rosette on him close to election he’ll get voted in.

Phoney campaign over

THE phoney war may be over, and the jabs and punches being thrown since the May election last year have been merely a prelude to a full-on conflict.

But we need to be clear. This is a truly sectarian vote. Before you find a high horse to mount while muttering about a new Northern Ireland and the return of normal politics, hold on a moment.

It is sectarian in terms of the unionists trying to take votes off each other, and the nationalists trying to take votes off each other.

Sinn Féin will not capture many disgruntled DUP or UUP voters. Any first preference votes they gain will be at the expense of the SDLP and vice versa. No UUP voters will switch to Sinn Féin, nor will any gravitate that way from the DUP.

So it is a sectarian slugging match waged on each side of the tribal fence, which leaves the Alliance Party caught in the middle as usual...