Hey Jedward

WELL it’s the time of the year when all eyes focus on the key poll, when we are preoccupied with the thought of who will gain most votes, when we sit up late glued to the box to see who has won – yep it’s Eurovision time.

Jedward may have once claimed to be Under Pressure on X-Factor as they covered/massacred [delete according to whether you have no taste or prefer actual music] the Queen and David Bowie song, but now the real pressure mounts.

Will they be Ireland’s 21st Century Johnny Logan (for younger readers he was the last ‘proper’ Eurovision winner) or just a turkey novelty act.

We have high hopes for the bequiffed twins. They already have come close to winning X-Factor, have secured advertising deals and are about to get a 75-date European tour underway.

Should they succeed in winning Eurovision we reckon that Jedward should lead the new Government of the Republic of Ireland.

After all, with Northern Ireland politics only occasionally rising above the level of laughing stock, having a near neighbour who has a joke Government should put everything into perspective.

And Jedward, despite their lack of musical ability or talent, would at least bring out the popular vote – alas it would be votes from people who are either too young to vote, or people so stupid they shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Departments are getting all connected

THE wonders of technology are being pushed forth as the Norn Iron executive is embracing the world of social media. Not only are they ‘tweeting’ links to their news releases, but the Executive ad several of its departments have launched their own Youtube channels.

Some of the videos are looking quite well, and we await the Assembly questions about cost, but we have other concerns.

A cynic might say that the use of social media to directly connect with the citizenry is a conspiracy to cut out media interpretation. Having scanned the newspapers on a regular basis, the press releases are usually put in the papers with few attempts at critical analysis. Journalists have obviously better things to do…

But we believe that the Executive should take the next step. On each press release on their website there should be the ability to comment on said press release. That way the citizenry can comment on exactly what they think of the releases contents – or with their views on the Executive in general.

We suspect that this may be a step too far in engaging, transparently with the populace. To do so may mean that there will have to be a Ministerial Sub-Committee on the issue.

In the meantime congratulations to the NI Executive’s Twitterers for having the Executive’s Twitter feed reaching almost 700 followers. It’s just surprising how many of their followers are journalists and politicians – do they not get the press releases already?

Woe is Tory me!

IT’S unfair. Seriously they used to be mates, but now it has all gone to hell in a handbasket: that is the Tory UUP link that was people!

Secretary of State Owen Paterson declared that Martin McGuiness being elected as First Minister would be an endorsement of political progress, and the local Conservatives are opening their own campaign office with the blessing of the Tory leadership.

Tom Elliott is genuinely a decent sort of bloke – or so we are told – but c’mon no-one deserves to be kicked when they are down. Party members leaving, Tories now seemingly running away, general comments about the death of the UUP, we can only see one hope: a petition to the courts by the UUP seeking to declare every other political party illegal.

Scanning down through history’s pages isn’t that what they used to do? Or are we being too literal about the ‘old Stormont’?

Oh no not more Nolan!

CONGRATULATIONS to the ever ebullient Mr Stephen Nolan. With the latest RAJAR (radio listening statistics) published his Radio Ulster phone-in is once more confirmed as the “Biggest Show In The Country”.

No doubt there are many who find the BBC broadcaster annoying. No doubt there are public servants who feel he unfairly lambasts those hard at work.

We often raise a silent toast to Mr Nolan as he lays into politicians; or through his baiting makes them seem even more preposterous than they are usually.

But now he has once again secured the ratings to justify his claims, we are in silent despair, having switched the radio off. No longer will we be able to justify a mug of hot chocolate at 9am lasting to 10.30 as we titter at the titillations and political trivia booming from our radio.

For between now and May each and every prospective Assembly candidate from each and every party will be sitting with the Nolan Show’s number on speed dial – ready to pop off a missive or demand an appearance to show how they are right and every other party is wrong.

We may be forced to retreat to the safer environs of Wendy Austin’s afternoon phone-in; that is until she starts having party leaders on her show.

In case you’ve forgotten…

JUST in case you have forgotten, the education post-primary school transfer debacle has yet to be resolved.

As thousands of pupils ponder their results, and others wonder whether they should have done the test, or are relived that they have not had to go through it, a resolution to the transfer conundrum has not been reached.

We still have an Education Minister entrenched in her position. Caitriona Ruane issued a press release on Thursday, which on the one hand offered her best wishes to pupils who went through the tests and on the other hand said children should be able to choose their school without “any process of selection/rejection”.

On the other side, we have the equally entrenched positions of the unionists, who are of the school of thought, much like Ms Ruane that they shall not be moved.

Which, of course, leaves the children stuck in the middle…

As if this wasn’t enough, trade unions waded into the education debate this week, but not about transfer tests. Instead the issue was the teacher redundancies. There were charges about scaremongering and debate on the air, and then who should row into the phone-in debate?

Of course, it was Sinn Féin’s John O’Dowd and from the DUP’s Mervyn Storey.
Was that absolutely predictable or are we becoming increasingly cynical that everything to do with education will see a Punch and Judy knockabout verging on the ridiculous.

It is perhaps an idiotic dream, but come May, when election fever and general stupidity dies down there will be calm, sober reflection. Maybe all the political parties will sit down and come to some consensus on transfer tests, the Education Skills Authority, the funding crisis, segregated education and the crumbling school estate – but then we wake up and realise that it will be the same entrenched sides…

Oh for goodness sake just go!

PARLIAMENTARIANS must have wished that Gerry Adams would just go, leave the tag of elected representative for the West Belfast Westminster seat behind (in practice, the SF President wasn’t an MP as he never took his seat in Parliament).

Instead the world (well those darned political anoraks...) marvelled at the 17th Century history of the Chiltern Hundreds, it’s use during the mass unionist Anglo-Irish agreement huff in the 80s, and how it was an ‘office of the crown’.

The whole giggle of Gerry packing it in but having difficulty getting his P45 for potentially handing into the Dail must have passed by those half aware MPs.

Some like to refer to Westminster as the Mother of Parliaments. This anachronistic chaos proved that in this case, the Mother was not wedded to the Father of Parliaments as it raised a bastard set of rules not fit for its 21st Century inheritors.

C’Mon, why not just everyone don cloaks and wigs, smoke corn pipes and murmur knowingly about cotton prices. That would make at least some sense.

Welcome to the crazy world of Norn Iron politics

IT has occurred to us that some readers are not the political anoraks that we fiercely deny we are...and that a beginner’s guide to Norn Iron politics might be useful.

On reflection even a beginner’s guide would fill more pages than we can really be bothered writing, what with all the excitement (not!) over the forthcoming raft of elections.

So we just decided to give those of you who have a life a wee glimpse at what the mighty law-dispensing body that is the Assembly has in store this week.

Well, there are a number of vitally important decisions that must, no really must be faced within the (teddy) bear pit - that is the fierce debates in the Northern Ireland Assembly chamber. Okay, they’re not that fierce, more like restrained distaste across the expanse of blue carpet.

After the statutory prayers today (Monday) there are such vital items for discussion as the Dogs (Amendment Bill) and the Second Stage of the Cyclists (Protective Headgear) Bill. Both worthy and necessary pieces of legislation; but if you were to look round the chamber you’d likely find a paltry show of MLAs.

There is also the wonderfully obtuse section of Assembly jargon with an item proposed that “this Assembly takes note of the Draft Budget announced on 15 December” by the venerable Finance Minister Sammy Wilson.

Take note – or randomly disagrees about everything that the DUP and Sinn Féin will agree on before deciding to pick on UU Health Minister Michael McGimpsey again.
On Tuesday things really hot-up with the Welfare Animals Bill, and the Consideration and Further Consideration, respectively of the Licensing and Registration of Clubs (Amendment) Bill and the Transport Bill.

But wait a minute! It’s easy to poke fun at our MLAs engaging in such debates; no honestly it’s really easy! But behind the veneer of idiocy there is some proper ‘work’ going on up at the Big House, such as the Safeguarding Bill to protect children and the Wildlife and Natural Environment Bill protecting what’s left of our eco-system.

So why do our MLAs, even when it is not election season, seem determined to obscure the solid pieces of legislation that they and their officials undertake with shows of obdurate daftness when a microphone is waved before them? No party is blameless, so we suspect that it is a conspiracy. We’re not normally conspiracy theorists, but this one has the stench of implausible plausibility.

If we the great unwashed were to ever suspect that they were actually doing something meaningful we would have to consider voting on ISSUES. Rather than engaging in the sectarian headcount that passes for polls we would have to discuss ISSUES. And if we were to do that even Alliance might get a shout at an Executive seat...oops they already got that because the Assembly’s internal sectarian headcount couldn’t agree who was to get the poisoned justice chalice.

Budget – oh please give us a break

WHEN it comes to the NI Executive budget there is a general theme emerging as we draw closer to the end of the consultation. We basically know that we’re all doomed, but one has to keep a watchful eye on the goings on at the Assembly.

On Tuesday (25 January) the Committee for Employment and Learning discussed the review of the Education Maintenance Allowance. Good deal, one thinks – as it is a topic that has exercised much discussion, not least amongst students.

But here’s the rub: they debated it in closed session according to the information published on the Assembly website.

One wonders what will be said behind firmly shut doors; and how this is a demonstration of open accountable democracy in action.

Quick, do a UUP headcount

MUCH as we’ve all been overtaken by events in the Republic of Ireland, it must come as a relief to Tom Elliott as he watches more departures from his party.

The latest departures are on Larne Council, and news that David McClarty is to run as an Independent, all would seem to add to the woes of Mr Elliott. At the Alliance Party conference two Westminster UUP candidates – Paul Bradshaw and Harry Hamilton – were visible and obviously afforded a warm welcome.

With such a background there has been much talk about electoral meltdown for the UUP. We, however, suspect that they will surprise a few doubters (no, we are not insane!).

Hear us out here: after they do a headcount of who is left in the UUP there is one obvious tactic guaranteed to have recalcitrant Ulster Unionist voters rushing to vote. It is the sympathy vote. Mr Elliott needs to go on air at every possible opportunities and gurns his wee lamps out (to coin a Belfast colloquialism). Claim that the political playground bullies are picking on him and every bleeding heart liberal will be backing him. That is, if they put aside his earlier gaffes on gays and the GAA…

Omens and portents

THERE has been a much-hyped fictional rubbish being peddled that 2012 will mark the end of the world, based on some obscure calendar. As with all these prophesies they generally fall short of evidence based on the fact that so far they have proved to be rubbish.

But, we are feeling a little nervous about 2012. Yes, omens and portents of strangeness are bounding about the world.

Think about it for a moment: the Alliance Party leader David Ford declared his party as the truly ‘radical’ party at his party conference at the weekend and no-one – inside or outside the conference hall – guffawed. A few sniggers yes, but had that been uttered by any Alliance leader before this, there would have been one of those laugh-out-loud moments much beloved by the LOL texters.

To add to the omens and portents there was the sight of Fine Gael leader (and Taoiseach in waiting?) Enda Kenny addressing the Alliance conference. Fine Gael do not strike many people as being the natural bedfellows of Alliance (one glance at party policies is enough to confirm that) but Enda was adamant about being mates with Alliance.

What with Brian quitting as chief blame taker in the Republic as the conference was still ongoing, we do fear that this congruence of coincidences may not be a mere statistical anomaly and is the first of the sets of omens and portents that will afflict politics before the world ends in 2012.

[Editor’s note: we do not in fact believe that the world will end in 2012 being rational human beings, but we fear that there may be mature political debate breaking out, thus leaving satirists and comedians struggling for material.]