You’ve got to laugh

YOU’VE got to laugh at the knots that our esteemed leaders and political thinkers are tying themselves into over the seemingly impossible task of agreeing the Northern Ireland Budget.

Every now and then Finance Minister Sammy Wilson feels obligated to spout a few words on BBC about unrealistic members of the Executive, while similarly obligated Sinn Féin members reach for the phone in hotline to tell Nolan et al that there’s money in them thar hills.

Said money is to come from the end of the rainbow, the mobile phone companies or other improbable sources.

Sammy’s improbability comes from his reluctance to suggest that there is any possibility that any more money can be prised from the notoriously tight budgets of HM Treasury.

Sinn Féin’s improbability comes from saying (on talk shows) that their position that water charges will not be introduced is “non-negotiable”.

Oh yes, there is an election coming up.

One may also note that our esteemed First and deputy First Ministers have been relatively circumspect on the whole wrangling between their respective parties.

We can only suggest a couple of alternatives. Firstly, could it be they know something the rest of us don’t. Or is it that they have decided to behave in a statesman like fashion?

Nope neither of these is plausible. More likely they are content to let their minions butt heads while they ponder the cost of a cappuccino on one of their frequent jaunts to the US, London or wherever they can go to get away from their embattled colleagues.

Meanwhile no serious budget agreement is in sight.

Bye for now Gerry

SO the beard is bringing the man down below the hated border. Yes, Gerry Adams, fed up with the growing unemployment and run down nature of the North is heading to the only part of Europe with worse employment prospects – the Republic of Ireland.

The MP, MLA and general politician at large is to stand as a TD in Co. Louth. His toothy smile and generally sunny disposition will no doubt woo the economically disenfranchised electorate of Louth. But one does wonder where it leaves his infamous ‘they haven’t gone away you know’ comments. While they haven’t gone away, the rest are just on holiday in Donegal or canvassing in Louth.

Independence for the independents!

FOR some time in the ‘70s those with a poor grasp of macro-economics and a tenuous hold on reality used to advocate for an independent Northern Ireland.

While most thought that politicians with little hope of electoral success had been consigned to the part of the ballot paper few were brave enough to tread, other than the Monster Raving Loony Party, we now have a new political ‘force’ set to contest the Assembly elections in May.

The UK Independence Party has said that it plans to put its hat into the ring as a “non-sectarian, sensible, unionist alternative”.

Our proportional representation system of voting is one reason cited for the step. However, even those who are challenged by voter mathematics will be concerned to see a party that achieved just over 3.1% of the electoral share in the Westminster election hope to score a quota no matter how many transfers they gain from TUV votes.

Paisley backs united Ireland shock!

THE Lord Bannside formerly known as Ian Paisley has come out in favour of a united Ireland. Yes, you read that right: Lord Bannside has said in the House of Lords he would support a united Ireland.

Lord Bannside only put one tiny, small, minute condition on his support. Indeed such a small condition it would be small-minded and intemperate for anyone to find a problem with such a condition.

The condition was that Ireland could be reunited under the British Crown.

Errrr, that may be a little too weird for even the weirdest of republicans to back. Seems the clue is in the name...republican that is!

Best of luck to you all

THE EDUCATION Minister has been pretty even handed. Yes, and don’t you dare doubt it.

Caitriona Ruane, in a press release on the eve of the Grammar Schools’ ‘breakaway’ transfer tests offered her best wishes to those sitting the tests. She also offered her best wishes to those not sitting the tests.

Such even-handedness could be subscribed to – even welcomed - were it not for the fact that Caitriona and her political nemesis Education Committee Chairman Mervyn Storey, together with the massed supporters behind them, can barely agree the day of the week let alone a way to slice open this Gordian knot.

There is one sure way – it is called compromise. What exactly that compromise may be, we dare not suggest (we could but this is a political column not a politician’s column!).

But perhaps we should start by making sure that the politicians concerned should all be a bit more concerned about the 10 and 11-year-olds who, while sitting in mummy and daddy’s car on their way to school, have their innocent ears polluted by intransigence, belligerence and downright nastiness from both sides.

Next thing will be that MLAs will be claiming there is no Santa – rotters the lot of them!
If they are not careful we’ll set the Tooth Fairy on them!

You couldn’t make it up!

YOU really couldn’t make it up! No really, you could not make up the surreal world where public bodies across Northern Ireland have rates arrears of £4.5m.

Let’s get this straight now. Central government gives arms length bodies and executive non-departmental bodies (what the slow of thinking call quangos) money to do work.

They then expect them to give some of that money back in the form of rates.

This then needs to be administered by those arms length bodies, NDPBs and needs to be administered centrally to make sure that the money that was given out comes back...

Instead of this palaver, bureaucratic stupidity and deskbound paper and budget shuffling would it not be easier for the Department of Finance and Personnel to just say to all the departments – “chill out, we’ve got your rates covered.”

Might mean that some civil servants and public servants can do constructive work rather that getting money in, to give it back to the department that handed it out in the first place!

Chow down folks while you still can

STORMONT has a real problem. There are no Chinese restaurants, chip shops or decent pizza parlours on the premises. For MLAs this makes ordering in some chow when you’re peckish.

This means that reluctantly MLAs must take their weary and care-worn bodies along to the restaurant, where well-cooked, well-prepared meals can be obtained at very reasonable prices: very reasonable subsidised prices.

Who pays this subsidy that enables MLAs, their guests and random visitors to eat cheap food? Well that would be us.

Taxpayers. Stormont is run with money that we cough up.

All of which means that one would have thought that a proposal to end the £500k subsidy would have received a ringing endorsement. But, then again it was Peter Robinson who proposed it.

Even though he claimed he was not speaking as First Minister, it is hardly the case that the other parties would just nod their heads and say yes.

Instead there was a pointless debate in the Assembly chamber and even more pointless debates on the air. The BBC even, helpfully, published what grub MLAs and other Assembly workers could order and how much it costs.

We must confess that, as well as whetting the taste buds, the large soup of the day (96p) the lasagne, garlic bread and spinach (£2.50) and mint chocolate cheesecake (90p) sounds rather tasty in price for a three course meal.

We, however, having salivated over the offerings and prices, have come up with a solution.

First ordinary workers (not party officers or MLAs) should still receive subsidised meals; after all they have to put up with the MLAs. Those subsidised meals will not be subsidised by taxpayers. They should instead be subsidised by MLAs. A ‘Lunch Club Savings Account’ should be created, which each of the 108 MLAs shall contribute a tenner per week (ministers and committee chairs should pay an even fifty per week). This will help keep costs down for porters, ushers, cleaners, security and administrative staff.

Having coughed that up, MLAs will be entitled to eat in the canteen, but pay full price for each meal. If they feel that they cannot then they can bring in a packed lunch.

Unfortunately many appear not to know how to butter bread, place a tasty morsel of meat in between a couple of rounds and put in a lunchbox along with a scrummy snack and something fizzy to wash it all down with.

That would seem a little too much like hard work for our pampered, cosseted and election feverish political representatives.

But at least it would appear that they have something useful in their brief cases.

While we’re at it perhaps MLAs should also pay car parking fees rather than enjoy the perk of a free space; and each and every MLA should be fined when they propose a meaningless and pointless debate in the chamber.

Hey, join in – together we can penalise the MLAs, and come together to solve all the economic woes of our ‘wee country’.

Should I stay or should I go?

AS The Clash sang: “if I leave there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double”… Such may have been the thoughts of Paula Bradshaw as she took the plunge to move from the Ulster Unionist Party to the Alliance Party.

Ms Bradshaw stood as a Westminster candidate on the UUP/Tory ticket, and while she scored credibly did not make a major impact. And, to add insult to electoral injury she was not selected as a candidate by the Ulster Unionists for the forthcoming Assembly election.

Now she claims that the Alliance Party is the party that is really working towards a ‘Shared Future’.

This, at least, will make for fun conversations over the breakfast cereal with partner, former Alliance member, and current Tory Ian Parsley…

Musical Chairs

AS we approach the Assembly elections, the candidacy for each party has become something of a mini-plot before the election kicks fully into gear with all the back-biting and outrageous statements that fill this and every other column from January.

At the very least we will see a new crop of MLAs with many standing aside, such as former SDLP and current Sinn Féin member Billy Leonard.

The Ulster Unionist party has seen several standing MLAs and potential new blood candidates pushed aside. Sitting MLAs George Savage and David McClarty are in jeopardy, new faces such as Harry Hamilton are likely not to appear on the UUP ticket. This leads some to question whether there party will ever seek to reduce the average age of its MLAs below 50+.

And, the SDLP has seen shifts in their Derry powerbase structure with wrangling over who will fill Mark Durkan’s shoes.

Helen Quigley has left ‘public life’ with the BBC claiming there was a disagreement over Mark Durkan’s replacement. Donegal native Pól Callaghan has taken Durkan’s spot in the Assembly until May, with Derry city councillor Mark H. Durkan saying he wants to win a seat rather than be co-opted.

Add into the equation the fact that the DUP has already inserted several new MLAs, who no doubt will be seeking election and there is a very real prospect that the 108 MLAs returned in May will have many new faces – will party officers be able to corral them all, or will there be fresh thinking? We’ll leave you to decide.

Chubby-sized flak jackets needed

IT is honourable – even desirable – for politicians who support military action [we’re talking about Afghanistan here – please feel free to add your political prejudice in this space] to visit the troops at the front.

So Lord Ken Maginnis and David Simpson MP were determined to be able jet out to see the Royal Irish Regiment in Helmend Province to offer support and a few words of wisdom.

But, alas the visit was postponed. The reason? Messers Maginnis and Simpson needed size 54 flak jackets, which the army didn’t have to hand. No one apparently thought that stitching two size 27 flak jackets together might have kept the portly politicians protected, nor did anyone think to mention to the two politicians that the bigger you are, the bigger a target you are.

But, it seems that the Army is scrabbling around to find the XL body armour for the pair to be able to visit the front line before the RIR’s tour of duty is completed.

Which, of course, will be a great relief for the men and women on duty; as they face the daily threat of ambushes, insurgent attacks, grenade and mortar fire, roadside IEDs and booby trapped buildings.