Let’s play happy families!

WHEN it comes to agreement and accord it seems that the ministers who serve the people of Northern Ireland set less than a shining example to the populace.

A case in point is the ICAN centre in Ballynahinch. This accredited centre, which helps young children with difficulties gain the communications and other skills to enter mainstream education, is faced with closure with funding being withdrawn.

Now, the Minister for Education says it is the fault of the Minister for Health, Social Services and Public Safety. The Minister for Health, Social Services and Public Safety says it is the fault of the Minister for Education. They also, variously, blame the education and library board, Executive colleagues who have imposed cuts and anyone’s granny who once spoke up about real life issues.

In a debate earlier this week, the Assembly heard much about the good work undertaken at the ICAN centre. It heard how lives had been changed. It heard how much can be saved through early intervention.

The debate, however, did not give any indication of a solution.

While ministers wrangled and argued the victims are not those who have had points scored against them in the heat of debate. The victims are the children and families who will no longer have a service.

In other words, those whom the Ministers claim to serve. Has the notion of public service been sacrificed at the altar of a poor blame game? Unfortunately that seems to be the case.

You see there was once this school...

THERE was once a nice wee primary school on the outskirts of north Belfast. Pupils were generally happy and it fed many children into a nearby post-primary school.

Then some nasty people started a fire that ended up with the school being demolished.

Pupils, parents and staff were understandably distraught. Then along came a Minister. No, not a Minister of the church, a Minister in the executive instead! This Minister said that there would be a nice new shiny school built to replace the burnt out shell.

So, the thought of the children squatting in the nearby high school for a wee while wasn’t so bad for the children.

Then the Minister said that all building work was under review and the new primary school might not get built any time soon.

Ooops!

Of course, times are tough and there are a lot of schools needing new buildings and refurbishment, so a review is necessary. And, work on the nice new shiny Irish language schools is started before the review is underway.

Cue much political point-scoring. But one has to at least admire the fact that a Sinn Féin MLA took to the steps of Stormont in the face of an irate group of parents, mainly from the Rathcoole housing estate, which has never been regarded as an estate where republican politicians are ever going to receive a favourable response.

It is, however, less than admirable that the parents – and the pupils who also made the journey – received no solace, no news on a new school build, or even a realistic timescale for the review’s completion.

It’s so nice when politics works, and so horrible when it all comes collapsing around the feet of the ordinary men, women and children. Still, at least we have a resolution to the post primary school transfer conundrum. Errr, well maybe not!

That Friday Feeling...

THANK crunchie its Friday, murmured more than one politician stumbling from a count centre, blinking into the glare of sodium street lights and the incessant pops of photographers flashguns.

Northern Ireland's political landscape used to have an air of stable predictability about it. McGinty's Goat would wait patiently to see which unionist party would place a sash around its neck; while on the nationalist side the 'blessed peacemakers' of the SDLP/Sinn Féin (delete as you see fit!) would compete for the green sprig that they could place on McGinty's Goat.

Of late, there have been increasingly strident claims amongst the more 'shouty' type of unionist to represent the party with the right to bestow the sash on the abovementioned goat.

Alas, such claims were put to the test at Thursday’s elections. Awkward things elections. They're not like Radio Ulster talk shows, who wait for the numpties and bampots to comment; often welcoming and even encouraging the claims and outlandish statements of the 'shouty' type of unionist.

Fortunately, talk show appearances are not reliable indicators of the will of the electorate. For one, most of electors are at work, even those in the public sector.

Which, of course means that the Traditional Unionist Voice was a voice that most of the unionist electorate didn’t bother to listen to when casting their vote? The proportion of airtime given to a party that has, as yet, failed at every electoral outing, gave lie to the reality.

When the European election saw TUV supremo and Jim Allister QC snag 66,000 votes, he had high hopes of grabbing at the very least the North Antrim Westminster seat. Instead, he was trounced, and across Northern Ireland the party received just 26,000 votes.

Barristers generally get paid no matter whether the result is a win, lose or draw. But in politics, generally it is winning that counts.

Meantime it is rumoured that all TUV phone numbers have been taken off the Stephen Nolan Show's speed dialler...

Running on empty

CRUEL pundits and satirists have said that the Conservatives and Unionists 'project' is now running on empty...Reg Empty that is!

By the time you are reading our next Northern Ireland Political Update, there may be an empty chair where there once was an Ulster Unionist leader, as pressure mounts for the party to find a direction that won’t see them disappear into political oblivion.

One joke doing the rounds asks: What is the difference between an Ulsterbus and the Ulster Unionists? The answer, of course, is that the Ulsterbus has seats.

Which is more than a little nasty. Reg in South Antrim came close to taking the seat off the DUP. But his fate was much like his big brothers in the Conservatives. Close, but not close enough.

The 3.6% swing from DUP to Reg meant he was still more than a thousand votes shy of toppling the Rev William McCrea. The gamble didn't pay off.

While the Conservatives huddle in corners discussing whether they need a (C)legg up to achieve power, thoughts at Central Office have yet to turn to the failed New Front. When they do, will they be comforted by the thought of a few Assembly seats to build on for the future, or will they wash their hands of the whole thing?

Long shot

IN football the most spectacular goals are when a midfielder picks up the ball some 30 yards out from goal and with deft power and accuracy delivers it at pace to the one point in goal where the keeper can't reach.

The crowd rises in ecstatic joy etc etc.

But behind such glorious long distance goals is much hard work - the awareness to spot the opportunity, the vision to be in the right place for the pass, and the ability to see when defenders are backing off.

And, of course, it the defenders lack of ability to spot the threat, the fact that they are distracted by other players and the keeper being that crucial half yard out of position.

Okay, that's the football metaphor stretched to the limit to try and explain Naomi Long's defeat of Peter Robinson.

Amidst the Alliance Party euphoria it is easy to miss the fact that this was a 22.9% swing from the DUP.

While Ms Long has been at pains to point out that there was no negative campaign against Robinson from Alliance, the simple truth is that there did not need to be.

The other factor which must be taken into consideration is the perfect storm conditions. Robinson was on the defensive amid the media stories, and Naomi Long was just ending a year as Lord Mayor of Belfast.

Even the perfect favourable storm means nothing, if it cannot be capitalised on. And to return to the footballing metaphor hard work set up the chance. Long and her team - oft regarded as bit players in the bear pit of Stormont - worked hard at constituency level. And there is a lesson for all elected representatives - the harder the work, the greater the reward from the electorate.

Economic slump source found

A NEW macroeconomic source for global downturn has been found - the cost of recounts in Fermanagh and South Tyrone. In fact, a new School of Economics has been founded in the University of Ulster's Big Sums Faculty.

An example of their work to date: the largest known number at present is a 'yotta'. That is a 1 followed by 24 zeroes. Following research at the university, this is to be revised upwards as mathematicians now know the permutations on votes in Fermanagh and South Tyrone are innumerable.

The new largest number will be dubbed a 'Gildernew', which is a 1 followed by as many zeroes as you can feasibly think of while watching another TV report of a recount of votes from Ballygobackwards.

The drain on global resources from these recounts has now been calculated as causing a shortage in worldwide supplies of calculators, logarithm books and abacuses.

Meanwhile, David Cameron reckons that an early election must be avoided at all costs as another poll in Fermanagh and South Tyrone will utterly destroy any hopes of cutting public spending - it may in fact cost another trillion.

The Liberal Democrats have rejected a Tory compromise of nuking Fermanagh and South Tyrone, but only because the Lib Dems promised that Trident just had to go. "Even if we wanted to, if we use one of these big bombs we'd have to buy another one....still it might be worth it to save the world's electoral resources," said one source close to Clegg. In the meantime, they are threatening to send Lembit Opik as this may cause local farmers to lock up all daughters of voting age and he has nothing to do with his vastly increased spare time.

Any wheelbarrows handy?

WHILE calculators were at a premium in Fermanagh and South Tyrone, it was wheelbarrows that were much in demand at the North Down count.

Lady Sylvia Hermon's landslide was such that extra weighing scales were brought in to count her votes by the tonne as this was easier than having to confirm the 21,181 that will see her returned to Westminster.

Shock news: Ruane really isn't liked

CATRIONA Ruane must be wondering what she has to do to be liked. The pioneering Sinn Féin education minister is committed to reforming our archaic system, is fiercely determined to see every school as a good school, and is a woman driven in the hope that each and every pupil will be conversant in Irish - indeed her fervour should surely be rewarded at the ballot box!

But no, those ungrateful wretches prefer an SDLP housing minister and leader. C'mon it's not like Social Development is anywhere near as important as education; it's only handing out benefit cheques and not building any houses...

Even the unionist secret desire to get on well with the soft spoken education minister was somehow repressed as a cross-community series of votes went to Margaret Ritchie rather than the unfairly vilified Ms Ruane...who would have thought it.

In other election news...

In other election news - well there isn't any. Gerry got West Belfast, Mark got Foyle, Sammy got East Antrim, Jim got Strangford and several BBC and UTV reporters got hallucinations as a result of sleep deprivation.

Anoraks at the ready

ANORAKS not absorbed by the ongoing ‘will he won't he’ Clegg watch (i.e. most of the country) are poring meticulously over every percentage, every swing and every shift in voting patterns, because next year there's an Assembly election and possibly a local government election.

We can hardly contain our glee…err you know what we mean. We are political anoraks and proud of it! And it seems we're in good company as more than a hundred thousand viewers in Northern Ireland were still watching the count at 2:30am. We say to them congratulations on your new found addiction. Next time see if you can keep up with us to past 4.30 am!

[Please note: beginner political anoraks should not attempt to track a Fermanagh and South Tyrone election count as this may be hazardous to any remaining vestiges of a sense of proportion]