Eye On The Hill

Crayon funding under threat

2012-02-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

A COLOURING in crisis of vast magnitude is striking at the heart of Norn Iron arts sector.

A vast shortfall in crayon stocks, poster paint and little plastic smocks to keep clothes clean will not be met from the public purse.

In a shock move the Minister for Social Development, Nelson McCausland said that several leading crayon manufacturers had upped their prices and are working on Sundays.

As a result the Department is on the horns of a dilemma: if they stop funding crayon colouring in and other arts projects, the result will be less arty farty types clogging up the capitalist advance towards a retail driven society, but will also mean more lovies clogging up the dole queues.

Yes, it looks like the Laganside events grant will close next month, throwing the likes of the Festival of Fools (Editor’s Note this is not the weekly Festival of Fools at Stormont – the arts festival of fools is intentionally funny) and the Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival.

There is no doubt, despite our earlier jibes, that the arts community brings valuable life to parts of the city and the region. But in a time of austerity they are both an easy target, and in the cold hard glare of bean counters, a reasonable one.

That is not to say that there should be a complete ending of arts funding. Tourists like it when we have a party in Norn Iron – as do the restaurant and bar owners.

Therefore, Mr McCausland should grab his own personal crayon collection and hurriedly scribble, in his best joined up writing, a note to his friends in the Executive asking them to share out some good will and poster paints to make sure that when they go for their food and drinkie poos in Belfast’s Cathedral Quarter, there’s a wee bit of life about the place.

A good week’s work...

2012-02-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

THERE are times when we wonder what worth is the work of the denizens of Satan’s seventh sulphurous circle of hell, also known as the Assembly’s Chamber. For a change the stench of futility was over-powered by the sweet whiff of virtue.

“What!” we hear you cry, surely some mistake, if the cynics spotted something good!
Well, much as we do enjoy working with the malaise of misguided political shenanigans, we also have to doff our cap when there is a result worthy of praise.

This week’s Norn Iron Assembly plenary sessions saw a debate take place on the horror of people trafficking. Let’s lay our cards on the proverbial table here: those who traffic in their fellow human beings - often involving prostitution - are the lowest form of life to walk on legs; all the punishments of our penal system are not enough for them.

Any steps our MLAs as legislators may take to clamp down on human trafficking and those who avail of the services of these modern day slaves must be welcomed.

Thus when it emerged that an Assembly debate on human trafficking had prompted the Minister of Justice to bring forth legislation to combat this bestial trade, it was all we could do not to break into spontaneous applause.

Speakers from all parties spoke passionately on the Sinn Féin motion, and for once there was cross-party consensus that brought a real result.

Also this week, there were pointless debates on Lurgan’s Millennium Way and car insurance that won’t do a thing, there was some waffle about the educational maintenance allowance that won’t solve the problem of youth unemployment and some other platitudes voiced during various ministerial question times.

The Assembly has proven through this high profile action that ministers can make real change for people. While it is doing other good work, it is so disappointing to have these efforts over-shadowed in the public mind by pointless debates.

Let it be a lesson to legislators that work to change people’s lives can be started, and hopefully completed, lest the electorate boycott the ballot box in their droves, come the next election.

Quackers counting

2012-02-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

RIGHT we apologise for the pun about being quackers, but it was South Antrim MLA Mitchell McLaughlin’s fault.

“If it walks like an overspend, quacks like an overspend, then as far as the public is concerned it is an overspend,” said Mr McLaughlin about a government ‘overspend’ on an accounting software procurement designed to improve accounting...

The software package concerned, called Account NI, is designed to make procurement in the civil service more efficient. Seriously, you really couldn’t make this up.

Of course, the civil service had a perfectly rational explanation why something budgeted at almost £1m ended up costing ten times that figure. For those like us with limited mathematical skills, we’ll save you reaching for the calculator - it works out as almost £10m.

Now while this is a shocker in terms of how such a figure grew to such wallet choking amounts, it does give legs to the issue of the deep, entrenched relationship between the public sector and the private sector.

As good, balanced people, we can regularly argue for both public sector cuts and protection of the public sector, sometimes at the same time. However, pushing the political soundbite generators known as MLAs to one side for a minute, the reality is that for some companies the deep pockets of the civil service can be picked to see what pounds lie within - consultancies specialising in telling the civil and public sector exactly what they want to hear are two a penny here.

In the public’s perception this must lead to some confusion.

There now follows a gratuitous selection of puns: This whole thing is quackers; we need to identify who ducked this issue; and we cry fowl on the whole thing!

And that’s before the news that the Public Prosecution Service, the Departments of Justice and Finance are expected to have to cough up around £2m to settle a lawsuit taken by…over 50 lawyers.

Is it any wonder that various species of duck come to Norn Iron as part of their annual migration: with so many people quackers they feel right at home.

Peace sells…but who’s buying?

2012-02-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

SO Europe has said that they’ll cough up the cash for the new peace and conflict resolution centre at the site of the former Maze prison.

Complete with a centre to explore past divisions, workshop with international groups, tour trips to an ‘H’ block and visits to the former prison’s hospital and chapel it sounds wonderful.

The bill is not so wonderful. Europe is contributing £18m. The total cost of the re-developing the entire Maze site, including the Peace Centre thingy is £350m, a serious wad of cash in these straitened times.

But, really it’s not the cost that is really irksome. It’s the length of time it takes for the executive to get round to getting the blooming thing done. By our calculation most prisoners spent less time in the Maze than it has taken to actually develop the new place!

Belfast is spending £233m developing parts of the city and seems on schedule to spend it in three years. C’mon Maze development team! Get yer act together. If you’re going to spend our money do it quickly so we can have a nice wee row about your spending our money.

Tory Transfer Talks

2012-02-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

AS if Tom Elliott didn’t have his sorrows to seek, the Tories in Northern Ireland are on the march again with the official formation of a new political party going by the name “The Conservative and Unionist Party of Northern Ireland”.

Given previous elections results, this is less an ominous threat and more a damp sponge casually tossed at the battlers within the UUP.

However, with at least one prominent candidate publicly jumping ship to the Bangor based Conservatives, will other UU’s be tempted to throw in their lot with the blue brigade, thus leaving the ranks of the increasingly blue-rinse backers of the Ulster Unionists.

After the re-buff from Tom Elliott to the Tory advances for a union with unionists, the new party will initially have an observer seat on the Conservative party’s national board and its own party leader. Will this be enough to attract UU members or like-minded independents? And how will the ‘unionist’ in its new title (not to mention the union flag logo displayed prominently on the party’s website) go down with that constituency that supports the values of a centre right party but is fiercely proud of its Irishness?

We have our doubts that the new party will be an instant success, but having its HQ in Bangor is an astute move. While Lady Sylvia Hermon attracted a sizeable vote for her personal constituency work and independent minded nature, there is a rump amongst the cognoscenti in Cultra, Helen’s Bay and Bangor West who might be persuaded at council, and eventually Assembly level to take a gamble.

Oh the horror of it all! We, and the average voter are confused enough with the Single Transferable Vote and sorting out the green and orange vote before trying to think through who is right wing, who is left wing, who is centre right and who is centre left. And then putting them in order on the ballot paper…spare the poor voters like us who struggle counting beyond five without taking one glove off.

Seconds out, round one!

2012-02-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

AT the sound of the bell the two heavyweight political pounders stalked forward, circling each other as the assembled ladies and gentlemen of the press lean forward for the first of the 15-round contest.

Title holder and Ulster Unionist party leader Tom Elliott is up against the battling Strangford MLA David McNarry. The slugfest has seen McNarry and Elliott trade blows. Elliott dumped David on the carpet with a quick jab to the jaw, resulting in McNarry leaving his post as deputy chair of the Education Committee.

With Assembly newbie Mike Nesbitt settling in to the cosy chair still warm from McNarry’s departing behind, McNarry lost no time in landing a flurry of media blows from left hooks about phone calls through to upper cuts about being the Ulster Unionist liaison officer in 'secret' talks with the DUP.

And this is just the first round…

Where will it all end as the Ulster Unionist party seems intent to journey further down the spiral towards electoral obscurity. When DUP leader Peter Robinson recently attended a GAA match, he must have had a smug wee grin on his face as he walked away from the grounds, thinking to himself that gaelic football wasn’t as rough as the UU's contests.

What must the more moderate Ulster Unionists think, with the party hierarchy seemingly approving of links with the DUP? And, what of those who worked to firm up the “broad church” concept of the UUP in the wake of the election slump of 2011 think?

There seems to be a horrible inevitability to it all now. The broad church has many leaks in its roof and the walls are crumbling as the party slugs out its battles in public.

As to the way forward...with 14 rounds still to go party loyalists must be hoping that the remainder of this contest can be held behind closed doors.

Perma-tan Pete and the judges...

2012-01-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

THE secretary of state who had the best tan throughout his tenure, Peter Hain, has upset our esteemed local judiciary.

In his newly published memoirs, he said some rather disparaging things about the judge involved in the case concerned with the appointment of the first victim’s commissioner. We haven’t sought the advice of lawyers, but we reckon best not to repeat Mr Hain’s comments. The lord chief justice Sir Declan Morgan seems annoyed enough as it is!

Rather we contrast the reaction of politicians to Mr Hain’s remarks; all rather muted, but then again he didn’t plunge the knife in too deep. And, there are worse things said on Wikileaks.

The contrast is the lord chief justice getting all upset about Mr Hain describing one of his colleagues as “off his rocker”...without taking the advice of expensive lawyers we’ll stop that train of satire before it hits legal buffers.

All we’d like to say on this matter is that given our legal aid costs an arm and a leg and the latest report from the Criminal Justice Inspectorate says that our justice system is slow to the point of a crawl; taking twice as long for cases in Norn Iron compared to other parts of the UK with youth courts take even longer.

So, instead of challenging remarks from perma-tan Pete Hain perhaps our judges could kick some butt to help speed up the judicial process here. Otherwise the real and present threat is that justice minister David Ford, the man Mr Hain described as the ‘”least flexible” of the political leaders, will come down and have a word. And really Sir Declan, we wouldn’t wish that on anyone. (Our lawyers have now stepped in, refused to correct the grammar and told us, uninvited, that we must, heretofore and forthwith “please shut up!”).

Let’s all be friends!

2012-01-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

AS far as one party systems go, the idea of one, single unionist party is an old one: dating back to the early years of the creation of this ‘wee country’ of Norn Iron. But back in the day it must have seemed a remote possibility to have the UUP making cow eyes at the upstart DUP.

Whatever the rights, wrongs or maybes the DUP are now in the proverbial box seat and able to sit back and await the amorous advances of what appears to be a trickle of UUP MLA suitors.

And there is no doubting that David McNarry is weighing up the options of moving his stock into the DUP.

Added in to the mix is the reported easy relationship between the UUP regional development minister Danny Kennedy and his DUP colleagues on the Executive.

Of course the leadership of the UUP must be getting rightly miffed over the whole thing. It detracts from trying to rebuild the crumbling edifice that remains after the last election, and there appears to be all sorts of splits and factions: one lot looking at the Alliance Party, another lot looking at the DUP, while a rump appears to be just that, a rump.

Peter Robinson’s position of Mr Reasonable on some issues will of course help sow further seeds among those within the UUP who are unhappy with their party leadership’s tone.

However, we have one tiny, wee word of caution - actually two.

First: have a look at the electoral figures from last time out and think whether you are in with a chance of selection on the list and how many of the oft-talked about quotas are up for grabs. Would the sitting DUP MLAs and potential candidates gift you a slot on the ballot paper.

But most importantly, UUP MLAs must consider this: whether it is worse to sit in a UUP old folk’s meeting (a.k.a constituency branch meeting) or the wide-eyed stares at a DUP Constituency meeting?

Fleadh bid ends

2012-01-23T06:26:00.000-08:00

MAYBE we’re stupid (and it has been suggested and rejected before this day!) but it seems a wee bit weird that the bid by Derry to host the 2013 national Fleadh has been turned down on the basis of the threat posed by dissident Republicans.

We have no insight into the mindset of the so-called dissidents (you can always ring ‘Spook HQ’ [MI5] at Hollywood, if you want to find out). However, these utterly idiotic, ignoramuses with their idealised world of stupidity are not going to target traditional Irish singers, dancers, performers.

To do so would be to make sure that every bolthole, every hole in the hedge across the island of Ireland and further afield would be turned out by a population that may have previously grumbled about them.

Excepted, the so-called dissidents’ tactics normally involve risking innocent lives by blowing up tourist offices and other buildings that may bring jobs and wealth to a city with one of the worst unemployment rates in the UK.

For them planting a bomb under a policeman’s car is their great grand gesture, slaughtering without compunction or compassion to grieving families.

In these cowards minds, easy targets so far have not included the members of trad band Dervish.

Which makes one wonder why the Fealdh’s Ulster Council managed to say ‘no’… Was it a political statement as 2013 is the year when Derry holds the title of UK City of Culture? Is that whole UK thing rankling in the ranks.

As Norn Iron works towards a normal society east-west and north-south, cultural and economic links can be normalised while the so-called dust settles on our past until we decide what future we can face together.

One hopes that the Fleadh will overturn this decision and bring the economic benefits and rich culture to the maiden city; and that the politicians can earn their wages by moving forward without the tit for tat rivalries of the past, showing up the dissidents for what they are - idiots.

Down to business

2012-01-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

THERE is an inclination to criticise the good members of the Northern Ireland Assembly, as they compete for air time on talk shows and other festivals of slagging each other off.

It is, therefore, rare that we get the opportunity to focus on the real business that the 108 worthies get down to.

This week the Assembly will be debating matters as weighty as pupil’s poverty, the protection of Strangford Lough’s environment and economy, while the first minister and deputy first minister will be interrogated by members on issues ranging from victims, child poverty, and foreign direct investment.

With all this hard work and devotion to weighty matters one has to wonder how these esteemed members can find the time to bicker about issues that most of us could not care two wits about.

Which leads one to ponder over who sets the agenda for such bickering about the past? If the MLAs are so determined to do real work, while having a pop at each other in public across the airwaves then it hardly sets an example of leadership.

In the coming months and years there is much to be celebrated and commemorated. No doubt the broadcasters will be seeking the drama of division as we look back on the history of the signing of the Ulster Covenant, the Battle of the Somme and the Easter Rising.

Wouldn’t it be a nice change for our collected MLAs to sit down and welcome these historical anniversaries rather dragging events from 100 years ago into contemporary contretemps that will entrench divisions rather than celebrate the diverse history of these islands?

In the meantime I can’t wait until the debate on the A24 Ballynahinch by-pass.

Money bags O’Dowd

2012-01-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

HE’S the man who seems to have pockets that runneth with gold, the rich uncle who pleads poverty, before producing a nice shiny pound for Little Timmy come Christmas, he is the one, the only Mr O’Dowd.

Yep – not too long ago, Education Minister John O’Dowd was looming large, not just because of his size, but because his shadow was being cast over school budgets, an axe poised over his shoulder ready to oversee staff cuts and school closures.

But, just this week Moneybags O’Dowd has produced £120m extra from his departmental pockets.

Where did this come from? Well that nice Finance and Personnel Minister Sammy ‘Smiler’ Wilson came up with some extra pennies from the ‘January Monitoring Round’. This is the quarterly bit of Government business when those departments who have not spent all their money have to give it back, leading to all the other departments clamouring for the extra dosh.

So, after all that money was found for Mr O’Dowd, and there was much back-slapping around the DUP/Sinn Féin part of the Executive.

But, do take a wee bit of time to log on to the Department of Education’s website to read the press release announcing the extra £120m. After the first paragraph it does not refer to it as £120m. Rather it refers to it as £30m/£15m/£75m. Why? Is this an arcane piece of Government accounting? Is it to please the ever present auditors?

We’d ask the questions, but frankly we don’t care! We’re still waiting for the NIMBY clamour of MLAs when they learn that their neighbouring school is still going to close because there are 15 pupils and seven teachers on a two acre site…

Oh ‘ell there goes DEL

2012-01-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

HOW many ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well that depends if it is a light bulb that requires planning permission, or whether the ministers have returned to their work programme, or have been in university.

And, if they haven’t completed their diversity training, or used public transport they may not be allowed to. And, if it isn’t in the Programme for Government, then it may not be possible to allocate an additional lightbulb budget.

With all that in mind, one may be tempted to ask whether there needs to be a reason for asking why we have so many ministers and departments.

In the interest of saving money, or political expediency, it seems that the Department for Employment and Learning is to be put to the sword (hopefully they’ll have the lightbulb changed so the Executive puts the right department to the sword).

Of course, this has nothing to do with a nod and a wink to let Alliance keep the Justice Ministry… And, only the churlish would suggest that having two Alliance ministers is just a wee bit bothersome when the Executive all sits round the big table at Stormont Castle. Let’s face it, given the number of ministers and junior ministers, they risk having to ask the SDLP Environment Minister Alex Attwood for planning permission for an extension to the Castle.

But, say the naysayers, this is all about the personalities involved, or a DUP/Sinn Féin stitch-up.

Be that as it may there is a warning that this will mean the re-running of D’Hondt to allocate the ministries again. Oh dear, oh dear! We’re not worried about how this will all work out, we’re worried about having to try and explain D’Hondt again!

College, it’s only for the educated…

2012-01-09T07:42:00.000-08:00

WHEN it comes to teacher training it is safe to say that Norn Iron has a monopoly on how we educate teach our teachers to teach our children. First there was Stranmillis College, which may became part of Queen’s University, Belfast. Then we have St Mary’s College.

So we have two institutions, one of which may become part of a larger institution, and some sort of confusion about who agrees with whom and what is to be done about it.

So, while the rest of the MLAs are still slumbering before their 9 January return, the Committee for Employment and Learning were grilling their Minister, Alliance MLA, Dr Stephen Farry.

Jim Allister was having a go about alleged levels of support for the merger of Stranmillis with QUB, while from the SDLP came a charge of social engineering.

So, no-one wants to merge and those black-hatted villains in Alliance are conspiring to have our teachers educated in some way that has as yet to be outlined.

Frankly, in the statelet that is Norn Iron, a devolved region of a Euro-doubtful UK, and on an island floating at the edge of the Euro dead zone, this isn’t so much a case of re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but actively seeking icebergs to crash into at full speed with this duplication of resources over what RE lessons are to be taught to teachers to teach the young impressionable minds.

How many teachers do we need? That’s an easy one. With Education Minister John O’Dowd of Sinn Féin planning a slash and burn of school numbers, the answer will be ‘not as many as before’. How many human resources departments, ICT systems and various premises do we need to train our teachers? Now we didn’t do advanced mathematics, but we’re pretty sure the number is one.

So a realistic way forward is to have one – yes one – institution to train our teachers, managed through a larger entity producing efficient governance. But as there will always be some numptie wanting to parade his or her political or religious colours to gain a vote or two, we have come up with a new name: “St Mary’s College for fenians, located on the Orange lovin’ Stranmillis campus to be sold on to a property developer by Queen’s University, Belfast where teachers can learn about how to incorporate bias into teaching Irish history depending on what school they want to teach in”.

We admit it’s a bit long-winded, but it’ll catch on in time.

Sorry is really such a costly word for the starving

2012-01-06T03:45:00.001-08:00

IF you have to say sorry, probably the best bet you have is to say it early, and then sound sincere. There really should be books written about it, and whole communications courses taught about the best ways to say sorry.

Oh, wait a minute there are already are all of the above! Which does make us wonder why Alasdair ‘Starvation Wage’ McDonnell hasn’t read any of the books or taken the advice of those in his party who have been on the courses or done the degrees?

Dr ‘MLAs will starve’ McDonnell currently, as an MLA, has to publish a register of his ‘interests’. In this, the enlightened will learn that he is an MP, with a salary of around £65,000. He also owns a ‘small’ 24-acre farm. And, this is the bit we love…as leader of an ostensibly left leaning socialist party Mr McDonnell is a property tycoon. Okay, not exactly Donald Trump, but this gentleman farmer, former GP, owns rental property in Belfast, London, and Glenariffe, not to mention a share in a heath centre on Belfast’s Ormeau Road.

Now, we actually think that our MLAs could possibly be deserving of a pay rise. Leaving aside the Sinn Féin representatives who hand back a wedge to their party, there is an argument that with better remuneration there might, just might be better candidates for public service. And, as Alasdair ‘spare us a tenner’ McDonnell, might have been trying to point out, MLAs have to seek their job backs every few years or so (although seeing as a large number of the same old faces our returned after every poll, perhaps we, the electors might want to be more stringent in the interview process).

Ousted, outgoing and retiring MLAs do, however, get a parachute payment much like a relegated Premiership football team. They also get a pension, which uses a figure better than the pension formula applied to almost all of the public sector and better than the private sector whose pensions have been screwed by the banking collapse.

So, the point raised by Alasdair ‘where’s my expenses cheque’ McDonnell is sort of halfway close to being possibly valid in a strange space time continuum where MLAs make decisions and don’t partake in bickering on radio shows.

‘Starvation wages’? Leaving aside the double-jobbing property owning SDLP leader, the average MLA gets £43,000+ once elected. If they’re lucky to be a post holder they get more money, which goes up and up once they chair a committee or attain the heady heights of being a minister. Plus they get up to £75,000 to spend on stuff like computers. And they get paid expenses to travel to their place of work. Think on that as you count the last pennies to afford a weekly bus or train ticket or put fuel in your motor the week before you collect your salary.

Alasdair ‘I have claimed £130 for hotel expenses in London’ McDonnell perhaps should not have been surprised when voices of dissent were raised; after all almost half of his party didn’t elect him as leader, and they represent areas where starvation wages means getting an emergency loan off the dole to make sure your children have food and clean clothes for school.

Rather than hold his hands up almost right away and offer the usual ‘it was taken out of context’ Alasdair ‘I make no profit from my partnership in a travel agency’ McDonnell initially went public to slag off a party member. Later when even his deputy was sounding increasingly nervous about their leader’s comments, Alasdair ‘I’m a shareholder in a medical company’ McDonnell went on the BBC to say sorry.

It’s a fairly easy word to pronounce. Children from the age of three can manage the most convincing pronouncing of the word, with sad eyes.

But did the man branded by the US Consul (we know this thanks to Wikileaks…) as a “bull-in-a-china-shop” give us the sad eyes, the wistful smile and the gracious nod as he said sorry? Well if you saw the slip up, sorry we meant interview, you can make up your own mind!

In the meantime Dr McDonnell should perhaps be considering a tour round party colleagues and constituency branches to bring them a healthy dose of his humble pie.

We wonder if he can claim that on expenses?

Happy Nollaig Shona Duit Christmas and a Merry Hannakah New Year to all

2011-12-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

IN these culturally diverse times, when we gather around a Pagan altar to anoint the birth of the Messiah, Prophet, etc etc around the time of the Winter Solstice we want to wish all our faithful readers season’s greetings – but we’re sort of stuck in the correct manner to do so.

A few short years ago we were pretty clear – a simple Happy Christmas would suffice as the fumes of the office Christmas Party wafted over hapless storekeeps as we toiled to gather little Timmy’s two mandarins and chocolate coins for his Christmas stocking.

Now, do we offer the greeting in Irish? Do we offer the greeting in English? We’re not even sure what the Ulster-Scot version is, and we’re fearful lest we offend someone who is not a ‘Christian’.

Just look at the mess councillors and aldermen in Belfast City Hall got themselves into over one Irish language sign!

Eur not sore, are eu?

2011-12-20T04:55:00.000-08:00

HERE on the outer fringes of a country on the western fringes of a European political organisation, drifting as part of an island and island group that floats on the European tectonic plate ever further from north America by a few centimetres each year, at least some politicians of note want a say in Europe.

Yes, former SDLP leader Margaret Ritchie wanted to know why David Cameron had added Norn Iron to the list of those he could ignore when exercising his Bulldog Spirit at the same time as throwing his veto amongst Johnny Foreigner.

Norn Iron comes next on his speed dial list after Nick Clegg, and I’m sure the speaker of the Assembly could have convened a 4am meeting of the MLAs quick enough to get a decision back to him by July 2012...

And wouldn’t you know it, the DUP were no slouches at rowing in with an opinion. Deputy Leader Nigel Dodds layed down a “David, We Love You” Commons motion, just in time to make Tory grandees think that they could dump those wishy washy Lib Dems in the run up to any general election and mate with the DUPs to ram through some damn tough legislation in case there is another hung parliament in 2015.

Of course, more sensible heads in Norn Iron would have been thinking straighter. As we gazed across the Foyle Peace Bridge, we wondered how many other grant schemes we could squeeze out of Strasburg before the Euro went the way of the Greek Potters Economic Wheel of Misfortune.

At least Agriculture Minister, Michelle O’Neill, got the prawn quotas sorted out in time for Margaret and Nigel to enjoy their prawn cocktails on Christmas Day! Just hope they didn’t get them from Iceland...

Tax ‘em til they squeak

2011-12-19T07:31:00.000-08:00

AS the UK and Ireland moves closer to becoming Tesco’s largest outlet, Sammy Wilson, Miser for Finance and Personnel, has decided that the superstores should pay more than their share to help Norn Iron’s floundering economy.

Yeah, that’s right Sammy has launched a 15% rates hike on those nasty old investors to help some of the small artisans and petty bourgeoisie small shopkeepers.

Go, Sammy! All that effort and fraught meetings with lobby groups and industry representative groups and you stuck to your guns, well pretty much to your guns anyway.

Tescos are in a huff, Sainsbury’s in a sulk, B&Q are hiding in the corner playing menacingly with a power tool and Ikea are in a Swedish strop and threatening to run away.

And there is perhaps one good thing to come from this rates rise. While we may bemoan that bankers got off scot free (again), at least there is the whisper of a chance that we’ll never get lost around Ikea’s labyrinthine flat pack maze.

‘Tis the season to be jolly

2011-12-19T03:11:00.000-08:00

AH, the twinkling of the fairy lights reflected in the eyes of poor Timmy as we looks around the hospital ward, and the gaiety of the nurses as they swish almost soundlessly from bed to bed with good cheer, as doctors chortle with their young charges...

Well that would have been nice but that Edwin ‘Scrooge’ Poots, our Health Minister, is to close the ward and slam a big “For Sale to the Private Sector” around the hospital gates as they clang shut for the last time.

And he’ going to charge for prescriptions too! Merry Christmas to all!

But, wait, is that really Scrooge McPoots? Under that grey suit, does there lurk the vision and demeanour of a super hero, ready to leap into the fray, the saviour of our ailing and obese NHS in Norn Iron? Tough Poots on the outside, but Edwin’s warm and gushy to make sure Little Timmy has his leg amputated in time for Christmas so he can make slum employers feel guilty in time for next Yuletide?

Truth be told, no-one’s even sure how it will shake out as the Compton Review of health and social care takes sail over the potential closure of half the wards in hospitals, the reduction of A&E departments and the ‘Fat Tax’.

Now that was the genius move! Before any lobby group or community organisation could whip up a head of steam to turn any given MLA into a ‘Not In My Back Yard’ closure hospital NIMBY, the media moved in 24 hours from radio shows about hospital wards to the ethics of the ‘Fat Tax’.

Chubby people all claimed it was their right to munch merrily away, while slim folks pontificated and smokers heaved a last drag of delight that they weren’t the targets any more.

Thus Mr Poots can glance a steely eye around the chamber and the next time an MLA speaks about how his Hicksville hospital in the boonies has to stay open, he can measure the girth of the waistband of said MLA and consider uttering the immortal words: “So, now we know who ate all the pies!”

Hutton, independence and pensions

2011-12-12T01:59:00.000-08:00

THEM canny old Conservatives thought they’d pulled a masterstroke when they appointed a Labour peer, Lord Hutton, to review public sector pensions.

Surely, given the dire state of the economy, the trade unions and the (taxpaying) public sector workers would go “all right, fair enough” when it came to slashing their pensions, making them pay more and work until they were senile enough not to know their homes were to be seized to pay for their nursing home bills. Even Jeremy Clarkson agreed it was a good deal.

Unfortunately the trade unions did not quite see it that way when you could have a good old fashioned strike, followed by some Christmas shopping.

Wrangles and stand-offs ensued, with, here in Norn Iron, a selection of MLAs dodging the question, not turning into their Parliament Buildings’ offices, and even crossing official union picket lines.

Then, what do we have happening? Well an independent panel reviewing MLAs not inconsiderable salaries and their pension schemes.

MLAs who crossed the picket lines must have known that they have what commentators have called gilt-edged pensions, certainly better ones than the public sector strikers can look forward to.

And, as the media asked various MLAs to comment on their pension review, some magnanimously agreed that they should take the pain too in reflecting the economic catastrophe in our midst. One such was Sammy ‘Ministerial Salary’ Wilson. As a former Chief Examiner of ‘A’ Level Economics, Mr Wilson will be aware that he’ll not feel as much pain from a pension cut as many others may do, and after all his final salary deal won’t be too shabby.

Others on lesser gilt-edged pension deal, did say that the review panel should cut back on their pension deals.

Others still took the view that Pontius Pilate was probably right and there was surely to be a basin to wash one’s hands of the matter, by saying that even if it was the Panel’s decision to leave it the same and award them a pay rise, well it was “out of their hands”.

Some commentators even managed to get MLAs to admit quietly that they would quite like a pay rise as their constitutional cousins in Wales and Scotland got more money than they did.

Err what! Thank you for that, but we should in the interests of fairness point out that the population of those semi-independent statlets is rather more than Norn Iron, and they have less people clogging up parliamentary corridors.

It seems that pension envy is alive and well as well as salary jealousy.

Of course, we the electorate have the power to oust these freeloaders, cutting short their pensionable entitlements. You know the way we do every few years or so; electing a new set of chancers each time. Oh wait a minute, we don’t seem to manage that trick!

Narnia and the Norn Iron Executive

2011-12-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

ROLL-UP, roll-up for yer extra student places! Step forward young man, step forward young woman, because the largesse of the Norn Iron Executive knows no bounds.

Welcome one and all to the wonderful, weird world of Higher Education in Narnia, otherwise known as Stormont.

Just one step through the magic wardrobe at Parliament Buildings and you could get one of the extra 700 places being created in Norn Iron’s universities. The wonderful generosity of Employment and Learning Minister, Dr Stephen Farry means that not only are degree fees £5,500 cheaper than England, but there are even more places!

Excuse us if we swoon here with all this beneficence coming to our young people, it all is a little too much.

But, here comes the proverbial fly in the ointment (go on, you knew there had to be one!). It seems that at the same time that many parts of Belfast will henceforth be known as ‘Student City’ there may be no-one to fill the places.

“Surely not” you say! “Surely so”, we say. Because, Dr Farry’s Executive colleague, Education Minister John ‘High Tower’ O’Dowd is talking about drastic cuts in, not only the number of schools, but of each school’s budget...

So we may have loads of extra places in low-cost science, technology, engineering and medical degrees. But too few teachers and schools to make sure that the young ‘uns get the ‘A’ Levels necessary; that is unless the grammar sector gets some more...oh wait a minute! There be a political minefield ahead.

One and one equals WHAT!

2011-12-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

WE are being told constantly that the resource we have amongst our educated workforce entices global companies to adopt the mantle as Foreign Direct Investors with a little Invest NI help and the possibility of Corporation Tax cuts at some stage in the future.

There is no doubt that we have a workforce available to start at the drop of a hat. In fact drop one near a dole office and you’ll have a ready made staff group clambering over each other to grab a pay cheque.

Whatever the rights and wrongs about the current education system, or your political perspective, a well-educated work force is pretty much needed. And to have a good well-educated work force you pretty much need schools.

So, what better way to prepare for the future than to cut back school budgets? Sure it all makes sense when you think about it. Or, maybe it doesn’t.

The reality, according to the Education Minister, John ‘Too Tall’ O’Dowd, is that Dick Dastardly (David Cameron) and Mutley (Nick Clegg) have teamed up with Skeletor (George Osborne) to impose cuts. That dratted British Administration has been blamed for each school having to cut five per cent off their budgets.

So, we have a bloated school estate, and no-one wants to see their local school close; we have at least five types of schools (well we can only remember five, but there are sure to be more); and there is a curriculum that doesn’t even seem prepared for 21st Century computing challenges.

A plan for the way forward? Audit the schools, cut budgets and well that seems about it.

According to most commentators (well those that manage to get on the media) we have a lot of high achievers and a lot who leave without qualifications. This seems to have existed for some time. And a plan to sort it all out? We’re sure that there is one, but in the meantime let’s cut schools’ budgets.

As we said it all sort of makes sense when you remember that we live in the Twilight Zone that is Norn Iron: do not adjust your sets you’re watching Stormont TV…

In other news more children are falling into the poverty trap. Sure at least they’ll be warm and fed in school, if it hasn’t been closed already!

In through the out door

2011-12-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

SOMETIMES we are alleged to be a little bit cynical. Yes, I know that may shock you, but it is true: we have been taught to be suspicious of every move that every politician takes, every time they open their mouths.

Which is perhaps why it was with a little jaundiced jeer that we toasted George Osborne’s announcement that Norn Iron was to get a cool £200m extra to spend on whatever the Executive saw fit when the Chancellor made his autumn budget statement.

No matter whether Norn Iron has had its begging bowl held out to Tories or Labour, it is a good idea to see what strings are attached to the outreached 30 pieces of silver.

But, for a time we couldn’t quite see where the catch was. At the heart of every cynic is a romantic hoping for the best while fearing for the worst.

And lo, behold, the Secretary of State for Norn Iron, Owen Paterson has announced that a date is to be set to consider allowing Norn Iron to have a wee bit special corporation tax rate to entice those Yanks with stuffed wallets to empty their contents here.

Great, after all the waffle then maybe a decision!

And then we looked at the figures. Estimates are that reduced Corporation Tax in Norn Iron will cost us between £100m and £500m. Not even the most rash bookie would offer odds on the final figure as being £200m – exactly what Mr Osborne is handing out...

Of course, such a cynical suggestion could have one rated as being paranoid, but it all sorts of makes sense when you look at head on, rather than through the prism of news stories churned out.

We don’t blame the Tories in the same way it is unfair to blame Labour handling of Norn Iron’s weird economy.

Giving with one hand, while taking with the other is a perfectly reasonable approach when dealing with the Norn Iron political ‘elite’.

In the middle of the muddle will be, for another 18 months at least, Mr Sammy Wilson, Minister for Finance and Personnel. We all feel much reassured...

Who ate all the pies?

2011-11-28T04:03:00.000-08:00

RIGHT own up now or the entire population gets detention! Who amongst you has been eating all the pies? C’mon, quicker that you own up, quicker that we can get on with decent ranting!

Well you pie eaters and salad dodgers, you’re going to cost us a fortune, and not just because of the hike in pastry prices across the land as a result of excessive demand.

Turns out all you burger munchers and chip addicts are going to cause a tsunami of obesity related illnesses that will result in huge demands on our already over-stretched waistlines, sorry health budget.

Which, given the parlous state of Norn Iron finances means real trouble. The bill will become ever more exacting in human lives, not to mention the costs of treating diabetes, strokes, heart attacks and respiratory illnesses, something our politicians are all too well aware of.

But what can any self-respecting, if slightly tubby MLA do about it apart from adopt a healthy lifestyle as an example to all?

We have been known to indulge a little like the rest, but we also know the success of public health campaigns on smoking, drink driving and the like. Yet, we spend so little on the public health budget in Norn Iron that an Ulster Fry, with all the trimmings (that means double bacon, double sausages and double fried eggs) seems at times like a national cuisine d’art.

The alternative is for the Health Minister to begin a serious re-evaluation of spending on public health as part of the ongoing review of health.

Or could all of you who have been eating all the pies own up and leave lest you tip the island into the Atlantic!

Fracking fracker of a frackin’ row

2011-11-25T06:45:00.000-08:00

WE do confess to being not at the top of the intellectual discipline that is geology. We do know what a rock looks like, and being resident in Belfast some of the time we know what the best weight of a rock is to heft during a riot.

However, when it comes to the practice of extracting deep buried sources of fuel from within (DUP Young Earth Creationists look away now) the boundaries of rock laid down millions of years ago, we’re not quite sure.

Norn Iron seems to, for all intents and purposes, to be bereft of natural fossil fuel sources. Had we oil or vast reserves of coal we’d have American ‘peace’ keeping forces here in 1969.

As it is, apart from strong winds from MLAs mouths, wind power is our only abundant natural energy resource.

But it recently turned out that we may have some ‘shale’ gas in Fermanagh: which comes with a slight catch. Shale gas is difficult to get out of the ground, even if some dissident republicans might suggest that they have some explosives that can do the job, scientists did explain that mixing gas and explosives is not a naturally good thing.

To get this gas out of the ground they use hydraulic forces to, erm well to hydraulically force the gas out. This technique is a wee bit controversial, even if it seems that we are to be reassured that some nice Australians are to be given the licence.

After all their ancestors were probably shipped to Oz as a punishment for some minor offence, so it might seem right and proper that they come back looking not to extract overdue revenge, but to extract our gas.

All well and good so far?

Well controversy between environmentalists and business men aside, this issue is not normally the subject of political satire.

But then pops up the Green Party saying that Energy Minister Arlene Foster’s hubby owns some of the land to be ‘exploited,’ or developed if you prefer.

Surely, claimed Mr Steven Agnew, it was a faux pas not to mention this when the Minister was answering questions on the licence to ‘frack’?

Not a bit of it, saieth the First Minister, Peter Robinson!

Who may be right as to whether profiting from property was a cause for investigation? Is it Mr Robinson? Is it Mr Agnew?

Or will this whole fracking mess just go away without the Speaker having to make a ruling.

Now as mentioned in the start we’re no experts in geology, but we do know how to use Wikipedia, the same as the next ignoramus. And we did come across an article suggesting that fracking may, or may not, have been the cause of a minor earthquake in Blackpool.

If fracking was to cause a political earthquake rather than a geological one in Fermanagh and South Tyrone, even Mr Agnew might welcome it.

PfG2 - The Delivery Begins!

2011-11-18T07:42:00.001-08:00

DEEP in the bowels of Parliament Buildings, Stormont lies a darkened room.

Occasionally a door opens letting in light, causing the denizens of this secret cabal to blink and shrink from the glare.

The rare times it does open is to admit a pizza delivery, or multi-packs of stimulant drinks.

Here lies the geek.

Here lies the programmers; that secretive bunch of nerds who crouch and stoop as they bend over their keyboards, using their programming skills to shape and adjust the figures and avatars flitting across their screens.

Here they are ready for their latest release, with a fanfare almost as big as any Xbox 360 release, dripping with the same hyperbole PlayStation3 games the nerds let loose their latest product “Programme for Government 2.0 – the delivery Begins!”

Players of PfG2 are immediately faced with the first challenge, controlling rival speakers as they bore endlessly without tripping up, or worse still, disagreeing.
Next navigate a host of media interviewers were reporters shoot barbed jibes and awkward questions.

Finally beware the end of level boss: earn experience points from ‘Da Speaker’ before facing the End of Level Boss – The Allister.

Pass by The Allister and you’ll move on to Level Two, where you must extract the secret elixir called ‘Money’ to deliver your Level One Promises into the strangest yet of environments. It’s called the real world. As yet few MLAs have passed that level consistently for more than a few fleeting moments.

The programmers of Pfg2 – The Delivery Begins promise four years of gameplay before the ultimate stage ‘The Election’. Before then thrill with your ‘Sword of Cuts’ as you slash into the bloated dragons of Local Government, reducing their numbers until you can manage them; and discover the secret hoards of gold hidden in the mysterious caverns called ‘Monitoring Rounds’.

Less advanced PfG2 players still have the option of downloading a player guide in hard copy where you can join in by picking a page and rolling a dice to see whether any Programme for Government promises can be met.

Collision course

2011-11-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

THE prospect of closing schools seems a nice wee idea for saving money, although no-one has yet explained how this will be achieved as there is unlikely to be a queue to buy old school buildings, but at least they’ll save on the costs of those pesky teacher’s wages.

So, while we’re all welting away thinking about what the Education Minister, John ‘High Tower’ O’Dowd’s audit of schools will result in, some schools in the South Eastern Education and Library Board area are already ‘earmarked’ for closure.

One such school is Knockmore Primary School in Lisburn, an integrated school with a special needs unit. Who should pop up there on Friday, but Health Minister Edwin Poots. And the Department of Health’s press release duly issued a press release with much made of the speech and language work done there.

But surely it could be construed as inappropriate for an Executive Minister to visit a school while its future is being decided. If he was visiting as the constituency MLA then fair enough, but then the gathered press officers would not have needed to pull together a few well honed phrases and issue the release via the Executive Information Service.

Has a nod been tipped to ‘Big John’ or will this see mutual huffing?

Nothing like a crisis to get us all motivated

2011-11-14T06:30:00.001-08:00

NORTHERN Ireland’s politicians have adopted the motto of the Boy Scout movement to “Be Prepared” by planning for a crisis over the next Justice Minister six months in advance.

For those of you too bored to pay attention, Alliance took on the mantle of the devolved Justice portfolio in April 2010 after much faux brinkmanship between the DUP and Sinn Féin. But that deal will end in May 2012.

Who will then become Justice Minister? Sinn Féin quite fancy a shot at it, but the DUP will not look forward to facing their core electorate with that in place, so are suggesting that the number of executive departments be reduced so the posts can be doled out to prevent such embarrassment. Either way we could be see D’Hondt run again (Oh, go and look that up on Wikipedia because we’re not going to explain it again!).

Alliance leader and current Justice Minister, David Ford said he would willingly step aside to make sure that the devolution of justice would not fall.

And, an agreed way forward? We can’t be having that! Otherwise there would be no sense of crisis to work towards in May. After all we’ve no election to get worked up about!

On yer bike!

2011-10-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

HEALTH staff! Out, get out right now! Yep, Health Minister Edwin Poots wants you gone! And especially if you're what he calls non-essential staff...

Mr Poots claimed this week that he had secured £15m to offer voluntary redundancies and early retirement packages to health staff and wasn’t able to rule out that ‘frontline’ staff would not be included. So, does that mean that if a member of the ‘frontline’ turns up asking for early retirement,Mr Poots will say no until there are enough non-essential staff collecting their cheques? And, who exactly qualifies as non-essential? And, how soon will they be back as management consultants?

Past efforts have been less than successful, or have seen swathes of the health service, like cleaning services, contracted out to the private sector. And who are we to say that it was a mere coincidence that Mr Poots was recently in the US of A, where people who don’t have health insurance yearn for the luxury of the NHS, even our less than perfect version of it.

Right here, right now more operations are being carried out, ever more complicated procedures are undertaken regularly, cancer sufferers have better survival rates and people are living longer than any other period of history.
This means that the ministerial portfolio attached to health is one which will forever be a victim of the success of those under their titular command.

Therefore spending £15m to get rid of some staff to save £9m a year seems a good deal. But, we suspect – regular Clouseau’s that we are – that all will not run smoothly, and the law of the health service unintended consequences will kick in almost immediately.

Fox, Tories and the UUP

2011-10-21T08:28:00.001-07:00

WE hate the term lobbyists. It conjures up images of sharp suited types smarming round the corridors of the Congress and the Senate in the US to make sure more kids are addicted to tobacco and oil companies are allowed to kill wildlife.

Here in Northern Ireland there are few lobbyists. These include professional, dedicated consultants who work in an open transparent way with their clients and politicians. As opposed to say the way a certain Mr Werrity is alleged to have operated…

Mr Fox stood up in the Commons and, like a naughty school boy on front of the headmaster said he done wrong, but if it wasn’t for them touts in the media…

Now, much as we have the occasional dislike for the media and their scurrilous ways, it is a bit rich to say the media were misbehaving because I was misbehaving and that wasn’t fair; if you catch what we mean.

Instead of the mutual respect public affairs professionals here in Northern Ireland share with politicians, policy officers and their aides, the Fox affair has the potential to cause the sort of chaos that occurs when…well when a fox gets into the henhouse. (You can now park all your ‘long runs the Fox’ comments, we’ve heard them all)

While this year’s Tory party conference was marked by there being more “lobbyists” than Conservative Party delegates, here in Norn Iron party conferences are generally more sedate and, well more gentlemanly type of affairs. A long weekend, getting to know candidates and colleagues, influencers and decision-makers alongside the politicos and their acolytes.

And lo and behold this weekend the Ulster Unionist Party conference is to be a much truncated affair, a private session for party members to work out where it all went wrong this afternoon (Friday) and a brief opportunity for those lobbyist types to mingle tomorrow morning (Saturday), before the main session concludes at lunchtime.

Oh do behave!

2011-10-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

THE ability for Norn Iron’s politicians to behave as clowns for the entertainment of the chittering and chattering classes has no bounds.

Whoever is in the Assembly speaker’s chair has to contend with TUV leader Jim Allister for a start – the politician with more red cards than Wayne Rooney. They also have to contend with people shouting, people making statements while sitting (a definite parliamentary no-no), people making statements instead of asking questions and at least one other language.

Deputy speaker Roy Beggs showed a red card to Dominic Bradley last week, who was asking a question/making a statement/ordering lunch in Irish but refusing to translate his words into English. While some other Gaeilge speakers in the chamber could understand Mr Bradley’s point, frankly we couldn’t really be bothered, when the comedy value of another MLA getting a red card was out there.

Of course, there was no real sanction. Not being able to speak in plenary sessions is a skill many an MLA has acquired and judging by the empty benches during debates, attending challenges more than a few.

So what would be a real sanction for an MLA? A cut in wages for a week or month or a fine should be one option. Repeat offenders could be made to apologise publicly to their party Assembly grouping, or better still their constituents?

But all of this belies the fact that most MLAs manage to work hard, both in committees and on behalf of constituents.

While much has been done to profile the Assembly and educate the population on its structures we feel that the real problem is that MLAs never really explain their work or profile their jobs. We fear that no amount of money could hire Max Clifford or other PR publicists to tackle that Herculean job!

We're all doomed

2011-10-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

IN case you hadn’t noticed, we’re all doomed…and it’s our fault. Yep we’re not spending enough to buy our way out of recession.

This remarkable analysis appeared in a number of articles following the publication of Norn Iron statistics that showed that our manufacturing figures slumped deeper than thought and were taking longer to recover.

Amidst much handwringing, beating of brows and rending of garments one of the proposed ways out of the tumultuous terror of double dips (make one of ours a guacamole dip please!) is to spend more and more.

Okay therein lies a basic problem: with unemployment rising and wages slumping it is hard to see how we’re going to avoid a dip in sales figures (of course we could all buy hummus dips…).

But hope lies on the horizon! Yes, our money Minister, Sammy Wilson has said there are more civil servants (yes especially those ones from North Down who buy the really expensive dips). Despite a so-called recruitment freeze there were more civil servants hired to stalk the corridors of the Stormont departments.

Other public bodies may not be hiring as many staff, but it is reassuring that there are more civil servants. Sales of biros and clipboards are sure to rise.

But what of the rest of the economy? Newspaper headlines scream meltdown; talk shows offer anyone with an opinion their slot on the airwaves and never have so many economists offered so few options to so many media outlets.

Who is offering solutions? No-one apparently has any realistic answers. The much-mooted corporation tax cut for Norn Iron has disappeared off the immediate horizon.

Which is all a lot of words to say that while economies crumble, nation states waver, financiers and bankers sweat and governments quail there is no immediately viable solution to the problems that beset a small part of a small island on the fringes of the European Union.

In the meantime we’re off to get some of that really expensive ‘caviar’ dip, taramosalata, wash it down with some top notch retsina… or a meal deal and a bottle of buckfast…

Thus the golden generation departs off stage

2011-10-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

THE golden generation of Ireland has sloped from the stage, heads bowed, acknowledging that for them the dream is over, the faint hopes that once were so stirring and exciting gone forever.

Instead ahead lies oblivion and taunts; old injuries bedding in as arthritic joints loom in the not too distant future.

Oh, and the Irish rugby team lost too.

Yes, where once a succession of Marys held the promise of a Celtic Tiger surging forward, bolstered by energy and reckless daring, we now have symbols of an Ireland confused by its identity. Asda shoppers, a disability claimant, a quangocrat, a Eurovison ‘winner’ and pensioners are numbered in the Irish presidential race.

Is this really the best that can represent Ireland? Will Asda be doing deliveries to the presidential palace? Would Mr Norris still be able to claim his disability payments and by now does anyone care?

The Irish presidential campaign promised much in the way of early excitement, with McGuinness and Norris bringing controversy and colour, but so far like the flaccid Irish forward line and the insipid tackling of the Irish rugby team it has faltered into something only the media really, truly care about.

One might almost be tempted to suggest that there is no hope for statesmanship in the wake of race, but this we are sure: it makes Norn Iron tribal politics seem at least a wee bit daring in comparison.

And He’s Been Shown the Red Card!

2011-10-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

WITH all the tension of waiting for some referee in the premiership to decide whether it really was a two-footed challenge, Speaker of the Assembly William Hay gave TUV leader and anti-power sharing cheer leader Jim Allister a yellow card warning before, as the crowd bayed, showed the North Antrim Assembly man the red card…

Defiantly striding from the chamber, publicity mission accomplished, Mr Allister readied to serve out his extension.

Yes the suspension will restrain Mr Allister from being called to speak however we are worried about the sanity of officials in government departments.

The suspension will give Mr Allister more time to scribble some more written questions, of which he is quickly proving to be the master, with more than 200 in his name slapped down to answer since his election in May.

This could be the work of a man determined to assess whether the laws of pedantry have stepped into the realm of legislative and constitutional juxtaposition, or he is aiming for an Asian job creation scheme whereby answering his questions can be out-sourced to a call centre on the sub-continent.

We, of course, believe that all MLAs only ever ask questions for two reasons: to establish facts; and, to ensure transparent democracy. No MLA would ever ask a question to score political points.

Marching to the 'Field'

2011-10-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

R&B ARTIST and possessor of fine assets Rhianna caused Norn Iron to hit global headlines after DUP councillor Alderman Alan Graham told her to cover up those assets and leave the field.

Some of you may suspect that Rhianna got confused about the date when a proportion of Norn Iron’s population march to the ‘field’. Others will suspect a masterstroke of PR by the Tourist Board, yet others have claimed it shows we’re just as backward as a Bible-belt, end of times evangelical from the southern states of the US.

Whatever way you want to look at it (and there were plenty trying to look at it across the aforementioned field) Rhianna’s bare-chested cheek at exposing herself put Norn Iron on to global news pages instead of our traditional summer ‘glories’ (winning golf majors and recreational rioting).

Condemnation and congratulations are a successful Norn Iron participatory sports, reserved for athletes lithe enough to dial a radio phone-in. Rhianna’s welcome into Norn Iron’s bosom (Editor’s Note: Stop those chest references right away!) meant that we exported our call-in condemnation/congratulation merry-go-round across the world.

Rumours that a major Hollywood porn studio is trying to book up fields here to get some shock PR were proved false when it was revealed [Editor’s 2nd Note – now really stop that!] that Norn Iron’s climate is normally dank, damp and mildly miserable.

What it did prove to the world is that Norn Iron can now collectively turn its hand to video, TV and film production for top studios, producers and directors from across the world.

But we wonder, was this an unexpected side consequence of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness talking up our production facilities in the US. If it was we hope that the pair have not made tits of themselves. And now we really must draw a modest curtain across this story…

And He’s Been Shown the Red Card!

2011-09-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

The Education Elephant in the Room

2011-09-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

APPARENTLY we’re crap. Yes, crap. Rubbish, useless and downright awful. That’s according to Professor Sir Robert Salisbury.

Sir Bob is the man charged with the numeracy and literacy review in Norn Iron. He has not as yet pointed out that most MLAs can neither spell numeracy or literacy let alone pronounce them, but we live in hope that this fact makes it into his final report.

The knighted prof slammed what he claimed was the “enduring myth” that we in Norn Iron are good, like, in edukashion, or, like, in doing sums, like. Amptinat (“Am I not” for those unfamiliar the local patois) telling ye lot all the time we’re a wee bit shabby when speekin the proper words!

No sooner had Sir Bob popped up on BBC to reveal to shocked Daily Mail readers across the land that in the top 30 rankings for reading we came in at 19th – well behind the English. Shocked radio announcers declaimed this fact in almost perfect grammar as producers sweated over whether Mr Green Ink of North Down would spot that incorrect participle or sloppy verb agreement in the previous bulletin…

And, when it comes to counting we ranked only 27 out of 30. Are these figures reliable? Well, we hope so as they were prepared by someone educated in a country ranked higher than 27th!

Of course, there followed an announcement in the Assembly that this education lark would be a doddle once we’ve audited, trimmed the fat, and generally knuckled down; followed by a perfunctory debate and name-calling.

Take a wee step back and look at our track record on dealing with education. We have eleven different systems: controlled; catholic maintained; voluntary; Irish medium; and integrated [see what we did there with a maths related joke…oh you didn’t? Well that’s perhaps why we’re ranked so low!]

And these systems are governed by eight education boards: Northern, South Eastern, Southern, Belfast and Western [What, you still don’t get the joke! We give up!]

And then we have the various ‘colours’ of the NI Executive, an examining board and the Department of Education, plus a whole load of smaller Arm’s Length Bodies we can’t remember. Your homework will be to link the phrase “over-governed” and “irony” through an exposition of whether this is comic irony, tragic irony, historic irony, situational irony, Socratic irony or taking the mick. We’re sure there’s a Google search result or Wikipedia page you can copy and paste from to help in your three or four word answer.

We have had four Assembly elections (1998, 2003, 2007 and 2011) to gather a group of politicians in the Big House. We’ve had more false starts than can be easily enumerated, more huffs than Carlos Tevez, and more talking than the chattering of the chattering classes. And we still end up with a rifted education system and dogma aplenty.

There are the ideological differences, there are the political differences and there are the differences for the sake of being different. What we can say for certain is that we have some children who do very, very, very well in GCSE’s and ‘A’ levels. And, we have way, way, way too many who leave school barely able to read the horse racing pages or count up their betting slips costs.

This tells us something. First, there is a thing called ‘functional literacy’ which means in short hand terms, the ability to function in society other than read the sports pages or do the maths showing why there are very few poor bookies.

So, this is a very simple challenge to the Norn Iron Executive – look in the dictionary for the word ‘agree’. You may be surprised by what you find. If you are struggling with translating this word into action head straight back to your dictionary and check what it defines under the word ‘compromise’.

[NB – there are at least, technically, five hidden grammatical errors in the preceding article. If, and when, you find them you have reached the stage of English-language Jedi Initiate, we wish you well on your journey to enlightenment, but we still want to check your passport to make sure you really are from Norn Iron!]

Who silenced the media?

2011-09-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

THE arrival of Martin McGuinness into the race for Irish president precipitated an avalanche of media comment about what role he did or did not do in the Provisional IRA.

Since he has shorn himself from the Aran sweaters he favoured in bygone days and now bears the work wear of a senior politician (sensible suit and shoes) he can at least be glad that he is no longer being pursued by the fashion police. It also means that a part-time job as an Art Garfunkel tribute act is now beyond him – look at the pictures from the 80s and you’ll get that reference!

Any complaints from unionist politicians – and the more unstable callers to radio shows - about his past are moot points north of the border. Given they are more than happy to work alongside him in his role as deputy First Minister, it would be churlish to complain about him throwing his hat into the ring for President of what one unionist commentator called a “foreign state”.

But the role of the media in the presidential race has come under close scrutiny. One of the constant, recurring themes on the ‘tinterweb has been that the ‘southern media’ will be much tougher on Mr McGuinness, and will look closely at his PIRA past…
Which begs the question as to what the ‘northern media’ has been doing for the past decade or so? Even journos and hacks have trotted out the line that the ‘southern media’ will be looking closely at his past.

Whether doing that is right or wrong will be subject of many an online rant. However, we are worried, nay very worried, about what that implies for Norn Iron’s press corps, specialist correspondents and generally every reporter in the six counties.

Are they timid? Are they easily bored? Do their editors not give them enough expenses? Have they ever even hacked a phone?!

Or – enter the conspiracy theory – have they been silenced? Have they taken an editorial ‘go softly’ line with certain MLAs? Does this mean they have taken an active stance on the peace process and not stood by and reported?

We’re not concerned at the whys and wherefores, we’re concerned at the implication that the south of Ireland journalists are better than our journalists in the north. C’mon people, the Republic of Ireland may be higher that Norn Iron in the football rankings but surely not in the journalism league tables!

Unclean, unclean!

2011-09-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

IT seems that we are determined here in Norn Iron to emulate the southern states of the US’s Bible Belt. At least that would seem to be the case as Health Minister Edwin Poots declared this week that the lifetime ban on homosexual men donating blood would continue.

Mr Poots may or may not be right in stating this was a rational course but, as they say in marketing, it is all about perception.

First off, one would not like to see this laid open to a judicial review – lawyers get enough money as it is. Second, what will this do to Norn Iron as tourist destination for the ‘pink pound’ of gay travellers?

Then there is the issue of need. As one commentator pointed out, we may need to erect a blood wall to prevent the blood of gay men in the rest of the UK being imported for life-saving operations…

Now, as Mr Poots rightly points out there are some states of the USA and parts of Europe that have persisted in retaining a lifetime ban on homosexual donors, but there are a few problems in this. What are the risks of someone telling a lie when giving blood? What about bi-sexuals? What about those who had one ‘encounter’ and then led a life of celibacy – oops that’s another story.

We wonder how long he can maintain this stance – we’ve moved from the enlightenment of scientific practice and evidence that screens all donations for diseases, to one of blanket bans…tricky times at the blood bank. We just hope we don’t have to make any withdrawals from said bank if shortages ensue…

The Doubles Game

2011-09-19T03:13:00.000-07:00

THERE was once upon a time, a long time ago in a galaxy called election campaigns when the topic of double jobbing was much in the spotlight. Back then a euphemism was devised. It was: “dual mandate”.

Such was this euphemism, that it sort of explained everything and nothing all at the one time, because MLAs were representing the same people twice, but they were elected – presumably – by the same people, hence the ‘dual tag’. We still prefer double jobbing as you wouldn’t want your window cleaner trying to wash your upstairs windows and downstairs windows at the same time [You may wish to think about this metaphor for a wee while...]

Such was the ire of the people on double jobbing that it gave way quickly to boredom after a few politicians [sacrificial lambs?] did pick up their electoral beds and walk to one house only.

But yeah through the valley of media ennui walked 18 MLAs, who still are double jobbing.

We’ll spare them the embarrassment of naming them – also known as us being too lazy to type them all out – but hope that they will hang their heads in shame. Yeah we like a joke.

The Committee on Standards in Public Life – which once upon a time was known as the Committee on Expenses We Can Get Away With – has said Parliament should introduce legislation to ban such electoral double jobbing. If it did so our own Stormont Commissioner for Complaints could tut loudly until MLAs resigned a seat or two.

Until such legislation is introduced the Stormont Commissioner for Complaints can tut all he wants and the MLAs drawing down truck loads of cash (and if it’s not for themselves, think of all the expenses and office staff they can gain!) can continue on their merry gravy train.

But if we were members of the parties with members double jobbing we’d be a wee bit worried: because so long as they’re doubling up on electoral duties, what opportunities are there for new candidates to be blooded on the election trail, or at occupying a comfy seat in Parliament Buildings.

Three-way Battle to be Leader

2011-09-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

WELCOME ladies and gentlemen to this month’s racing calendar, with the featured race, the race to be leader of the SDLP.

The runners and riders will be shortly under starters orders in this three-horse long distance challenge.

First to the post is Patsy McGlone who is expected to make the early running in this National Hunt meeting. The Mid-Ulster MLA emerged as the favourite after his early intention to run.

Next up is the outsider, fleet of tongue and fast on his feet is Conall McDevitt. A younger runner in some people’s eyes, the South Belfast man has been around the party for a wee while now, but can he manage it over some of the higher fences.

Bringing up the rear is Alasdair McDonnell, another from the South Belfast stables. With two constituency branches putting up hurdles by declaring for McGlone, the race veteran will have a challenge to his staying power.

It’s set to be a long race ladies and gentlemen, starting at the SDLP HQ on the Ormeau Road, with a long chase up to the finishing line on Shaw’s Bridge (Ramada Hotel) in November.

Despite the long race, we’re fully expecting the race to end in a photo-finish as the contenders slow before the finishing post and ask themselves: “Do I really want this job?”

Critical Condition

2011-09-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

There follows the transcript of a real call to the emergency services.

Operator: Which service do you require?

Caller: Ermmm, Ambulance I suppose.

Operator: Before you go on, you do know that we take prank calls very seriously?

Caller: Of course I do! This isn’t a prank!

Operator: And we don’t waste time with trivial calls!

Caller [Becoming increasingly irate!]: This is no trivial call! The patient is in a critical condition!

Operator: You see one in five calls are about stupid stuff like heart attacks or brain trauma. Have you people never heard of taxis?

Caller [Exasperated]: No, the patient really needs help!

Operator: You know one in five calls are a waste of highly trained managerial and public relations time.

Caller [Angry now]: You’re not listening! The patient needs help right now!

Operator: Are you really, really, really sure?

Caller [Yelling]: Yes, really, really, really, bloody sure!

Operator: No need to shout! I believe you now. So, what is the nature of the patient’s problem?

Caller: Haemorrhaging badly.

Operator: Badly?

Caller: Really, really badly, and sounding incoherent.

Operator: I see, well, what’s the nature of the injury?

Caller: It’s horrible! It’s flowing out of everywhere.

Operator: Everywhere?

Caller [Sobbing now]: First it was the promises, now the cash is haemorrhaging all over the place, please, please send help!

Operator: That is horrible!

Caller: First it was the cancer centre up there beyond passport controls in stroke city [Derry/Londonderry), then it was the other promises on everything, everything I tell you!

Operator: Oh, I see. Where will we send the help to then?

Caller: Department of Health, Social Services and Public Safety, Dundonald House, Belfast.

Operator: Well we can’t do that

Caller: What!

Operator: Well don’t you know we’re shutting down some A&E departments and right now there are too many people at your nearest emergency department. Can I suggest you ring the new 111 number.. If you are still having problems make begging noises outside the Department of Finance. They’re giving all that money to students to subsidise their fees but there should still be few pounds left.

To university we go!

2011-09-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

HOLD the front pages – the Norn Iron Executive has managed to make a decision. Yes, a real live, honest to goodness decision!

Student fees for our two ‘prestigious’ universities have been steadied at around £3,500, give or take a few quid.

The cost of this will be borne by to nabbing £40 million plus from somewhere else to hand out to the universities, with the exact details to be unveiled next week.

It also means that some of the political parties will be able to keep their election ‘promises’.

What we wonder – as do many others – is what sort of creative accounting are the Norn Iron Executive undertaking to bail out the universities, and at the same time put in place higher fees for non-Norn Iron students.

What superb accountants they must be to find funds for such extravagance, and can they come and look at our household budgets when they have a spare moment or so.

Of course, there are conspiracy theorists out there (we prefer to call them cynics when we are numbered among their ranks). They might suggest that there will be some sort of cull of other budgets, with accident and emergency departments and further education college campuses closing their doors.

On the other hand there might be a clear out of the more esoteric degrees from universities, such as the Slavic Music in the 13th century masters, or of the even less practical qualifications, such as degrees in journalism.

In the meantime we are predicting (not too confidently) a property boom in Norn Iron. If plans go ahead for higher fees for non-Norn Iron students then English students’ parents may think it better value to buy a cheap terraced house for Charles and Edwina to claim residency and avail of the reduced uni rates. We can recommend some discounted properties on the up-coming bijous markets on the Falls and Shankill Roads which they may wish to invest in…

An open letter to SDLP leader Margaret Ritchie

2011-09-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms Ritchie,

We applaud your courageous decision to stand down as leader of the SDLP and as MLA for South Down. Thank you for your service to the party over the past two years. You will now have the time to remove the knives in your back.

You will no doubt also take the time to reflect on your tenure as leader as you enjoy the calmer waters of Westminster, particularly on the fact that under your stewardship, the party lost fewer Assembly seats than under previous incumbents.

We also hope that you pay particular attention to any representatives of the United States of America. Perhaps you may wish to give them a stout length of County Down oak in commemoration of the leaked comments about your allegedly ‘wooden’ media performances.

Yours etc

Spend, spend, spend...and lose

2011-09-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

THE classic story of a football pools winner in the 20th century was someone who won millions and squandered the lot to end up back where they started. How much worse would it be to spend all that and end up in a poorer state?

Well the Ulster Unionist Party shelled out £96,000 in advance of May’s Assembly election and managed to lose seats. They were the biggest spenders; and one must question the tactics that cost them so much to achieve so little.

In contrast, the Alliance Party’s £29,000 spend produced eight seats – at an average cost of £3,625 a seat.

Even better value was the DUP’s £52,000 resulting in 38 seats, averaging out at about £2,120 a seat.

And even better value, Sinn Féin’s 29 seats cost an average around £1,750 a seat in the Assembly.

And when it comes to expenses, a tight rein may be exerted on all MLAs, but who will hold the reins come the next time the UUP plan an election campaign. One thinks that spending close on £100,000 may not be top of the party’s agenda.

Fianna Fails

2011-09-05T02:50:00.000-07:00

FIANNA Fáil has failed, well not so much failed but rather decided not to fail in the Irish presidential election.

Leader Michael Martin announced on Wednesday last week that Fianna Fáil will not be nominating a candidate for the forthcoming presidential poll in the Republic. In a wonderfully worded statement, Mr Martin said that the party had undertaken research that indicated there “wouldn’t be any significant shift or change in terms of public opinion."

Translation: “We’d get a kicking in the ballot boxes!”

Perhaps some would say there is a lesson for certain parties in Northern Ireland, but even more pertinent could be FF dangling the carrot of a potential link-up with the SDLP.

Both parties are struggling to re-build after electoral slumps. With Sinn Féin in electoral ascendancy in the North, a formal link would demonstrate the SDLP's nationalist credentials and provide a distraction from FF’s woes.

And with the social media tweeting about a possible late Sinn Féin presidential candidate from North of Ireland, the pressure on both Fianna Fáil and the SDLP to show a commitment to a united island becomes all the more relevant.

The question is whether any of the potential SDLP leadership candidates float this idea ahead of the party conference...just to see if there is any mood for desperate measures.

Protect us from petitions

2011-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

THERE is a rather extreme view that this ‘tinterweb’ thingymabob is a good thing. But given the recent British Government initiative on e-petitions, we are wondering whether those with access to the ‘tinterweb’ should have to pass a stupidity test before being allowed to connect to the world wide web.

The first e-petition out of the blocks is the death penalty. The ‘weight’ of opinion for this means Parliament will get to debate something that will never happen.

Well, of course we do have a contingent of ‘hang ‘em high’ Tory backbenchers...

Nevermind that the death penalty doesn’t reduce crime, or that the risk of miscarriages of justice has too high price...

However, it was nice that it gave Jeffrey Donaldson a chance to go on the air and repeat the DUP stance, which roughly equates to “death is too good for them”.

Can’t wait for that debate in the Assembly, let alone Westminster!

Moral panic fear outbreaks across the nation

2011-08-12T03:44:00.001-07:00

THE United Kingdom is in the grip of fear, a fear induced by unprecedented moral panic.

Politicians, pundits, op-ed columnists and everyone who can dial into a radio show have been caught up in the rampant theft of clichés; charges are likely to be brought on those who have trotted out with armloads of unfounded opinions.

As a people we must fight back against this fever of fervent fundamentally flawed wafflers.

This post-modernist world we have plunged into is one where airtime is given to anyone, where we fear that everyone with an opinion is granted equal weight – everyone has a rear end too, but we don’t want to see those on the air either.

The fight back begins now.

We urge every broadcaster, every leader column writer and every numpty of an excuse for a politician to be silenced. Then perhaps we can make sense of this moral panic...

Yes, there have been riots and looting and criminality. Yes, it has shocked us all – well apart from those with a nice new shiny 42” plasma screen TV gratis.

So, what to do?

If the recalled MPs and the pundits hanging on their words were to think for a moment then, rather than polluting the airwaves in a competition to seem more outraged than the last punter, they might think that the obvious thing to do is ask a question.

Why?

And ask the question to the right people.

In the meantime we have the prospect of anyone covering their faces being potentially charged by gallant police men.

Yeah, we can see that working in Norn Iron – we have to cover our heads and pull hoods tight to survive the vagaries of the weather...

And, while the PSNI are capable of many things we can’t really see them having a wee chat with the rioters at Ardoyne shops next year urging them not to cover their wee fresh faces...

Can MLAs do sums?

2011-08-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

ACCORDING to the BBC website the Assembly is shelling out more than £1m each year for security, maintenance and running costs for a property that it wants to sell for £2.5m after buying it in 2001 for £9m.

Ormiston House is a historic property that deserves to be noted, acknowledged and protected, but that is what the planning service does.

The Assembly is not exactly a cheap legislature, so rather than shell out £1m plus would it not be easier to set up an auction where the highest bidder gets the property. It may not be the best solution, but the loss on a piece of capital will be more than made up for by the savings in running costs.

Perhaps the accountants, auditors and actuaries may not be happy at shifting the various monies across the columns of their ‘books’, but then again common sense may break out. If something costs you £1m per year with no real benefits, get rid of it!

Fight Club!

2011-08-05T04:04:00.000-07:00

WHAT happens in Fight Club stays in Fight Club is the infamous phrase from the eponymous Fight Club movie and political leaders from the beginning of time must have wished that they could impose such discipline! And prime amongst them right now is Margaret ‘Wooden’ Ritchie.

The ‘wooden’ title comes not from our pen, rather from the wikileaks intercepts of US state department emails. But, if that was all of Ms Ritchie and the SDLP’s woes, then summer would be a time to relax.

Instead there now follows massive uncertainty about the leadership. Patsy McGlone, deputy leader, has tossed his hat into the ring and became the first to break cover. Defeated leadership candidate Alasdair McDonnell is allegedly coming under pressure to enter the leadership race.

The below the line message is that Ms Ritchie’s leadership has seen the collapse of the SDLP vote and the loss of two Assembly seats. And this only goes to prove that pundits sense only the present and lack the perspective of even the recent past.

The reality is that the SDLP’s vote has been slowly sliding away, eroded by a variety of factors, not least by Sinn Féin’s solidity at the ballot box.

And the two seats lost should be seen in terms of losses and gains across the region.
But, please, please Ms Ritchie, Mr McGlone and Dr McDonnell can you keep this going solidly until the party conference? You’ll need extra space for the frustrated journos, bloggers, film crews, twitterers and political anoraks...oh and we’ll be there too.

However, for the SDLP the real problem is that, despite the melodrama of leadership challenges, there really is only the benefit of being a side show.

Whatever the root causes of the disconnect with the wider public - and worse still this internal wrangling – the four years until the next Assembly election may seem like a lot of time to resolve them, but time’s arrow only points in one direction and the seconds tick-by faster than you think. How many votes can be gained or lost in that time? And will any gains be enough for whatever leader the SDLP emerges with?

At least it wasn’t all hidden behind closed doors. And, in this day of smartphones and social media, we’re glad that that the code of fight club can no longer be held to by MLAs.

A word for the idiots

2011-07-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

THIS week saw another piece of idiocy on the streets of Belfast. Taking the place of the idiotic rioters was the discovery of a viable mortar in a residential part of north Belfast.

We cannot, nor can any other sane person, think what sort of political statement can be achieved through such actions; and those responsible cannot possibly think that they can bring about a united Ireland, socialist utopia through such actions.

In the – vain – hope that one of the idiots responsible reads this, we have a word of advice for them: take a holiday.

Go, sun yourselves, get a few cheap beers down yer neck and forget about killing people for some long forgotten cause.

Or, better still, head off to the horn of Africa and carry out some aid work – then if a Somalian fighter kills your sorry rear end, you’ll have done some good before leaving the rest of us in peace.

Thar she blows that great white myth – a decision!

2011-07-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

IT looks like there is a distinct possibility that the rarest of beasts has been spotted in Norn Iron – a real, honest to goodness political decision.

For years, the Captain Ahab’s of the chattering classes and the commentariat have been ploughing through the waters of Hansard and the waves of newsprint in search of a decision.

Finally with Moby Dick like suddenness a decision has crested at the most unlikely of times...

Health Minister Edwin Poots has revealed that one of Belfast’s many accident and emergency departments is to close its doors, and the likely candidate is the Belfast City Hospital’s A&E department.

Belfast currently has more hospitals than you can shake a bandage at, with the Royal, the City and the Mater, not to mention the nearby Ulster Hospital.

In days of yore such a luxury was feasible for a number of reasons. In medical terms the care of emergency patients was not as advanced as it is now, where teams of highly trained nurses, anaesthetists, radiographers and doctors need to be on hand.

Then there was of course the political decision to open the Belfast City Hospital to please some people, not least unionists who claimed that the mile or so to the Royal in west Belfast was to venture into uncharted territories. The Mater was seen as a ‘Roman Catholic’ hospital by some, but that never stopped the injured from the Shankill visiting there when needs arose.

Finally there was the situation of political ennui – there has seemed, for the past decade or so, a political boredom with the idea of health as something that was difficult to make a decision on.

This week Edwin Poots was before the health committee at Stormont – a committee called back from recess, unusually, to discuss real politics rather than spouting off in general.

Minister Poots admitted that there was work needing done, and with staff shortages, and a lack of junior doctors such work involved closing something.

His predecessor, Michael McGimpsey had warned that health was under-funded, but a lack of executive willingness to back a UUP minister made sure it was held in abeyance.

Of course, hot on the heels of Minister Poots’ announcement came the ritual of south Belfast politicians whining on about how they would fight to keep the City Hospital A&E Department and denouncing the decision.

Just like the campaigners for about a dozen small hospitals across the region, they are large on rhetoric and short on solutions. And how many people noticed those closures a year or two down the line? And how many remember that those hospitals once provided A&E services.

What Minister Poots needs to do now is to make the closure fact in order to trim the fat away from other hospitals, the Mater being surely next in the firing line, and to invest any savings into making the Royal Hospital’s A&E departments (for there is also the regional children’s A&E unit on the same site) truly world beaters where patient’s care is the best that it can be.

After that he just has his own constituents' complaints about shorter A&E hours at Lagan Valley Hospital to worry about!

FOOTNOTE: Yes, you could argue that Minister Poots’ announcements that Altnagelvin Radiotherapy unit would go ahead was a decision, but for the sake of an extended metaphor we prefer to see it as keeping an election promise that the First and Deputy First Minister made...

We’re (NOT) leaving on a jet plane

2011-06-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

“SOMETIMES you couldn’t make it up”. Or so goes the old cliché. And certainly it would be a stretch to find a passage of fiction to match the alleged facts behind the Air Passenger Duty (APD) debacle.

It has been claimed that the Norn Iron Executive didn’t respond to the consultation over APD. Meanwhile Finance Minister Sammy Wilson did submit a response.

Now, for those who think that APD only really matters when you find out you’re budget airline fare isn’t as budget as you think, then please think again.

First, let’s rewind ourselves back to all the comments around the budget at the end of last year. We were told, to paraphrase an American President, “It’s the economy stupid.”

And one of the things that we have always been led to believe is that an air bridge – that is an air route – helps enormously in getting American investment into Norn Iron’s wee economy.

So, when our near neighbours in Dublin charge only a few Euro in tax for a transatlantic flight, here the only transatlantic flight has tax of £120 for a return flight.

Now, hold up your hands in despair! Our economy must be on the verge of collapse if Continental Airlines ends its Belfast to Newark route.

Well, no it won’t.

Dublin Airport is less than two hours drive from Belfast.

Try flying into a major hub airport in the US and getting to a city centre within two hours. Ain’t gonna happen.

So why all the fuss.

The Scottish Highlands and Islands has a sort of exemption. Well, we’re not exactly sure, but if any politician seriously thinks that equating NI plc with Tartan world lite is going to help Norn Iron then they might want to think again.

And, given the head of steam that’s building up around the corporation tax debate, local politicians may start clamouring for powers to set APD in Norn Iron.

Less tax raised in the region means a smaller hand out from Treasury each year. Can we afford tax varying powers, and if we can afford them, can we trust yer average MLA to do real economic maths without taking their socks off.

Paisley and the DUP – row ensues

2011-06-17T06:08:00.001-07:00

WITH friends like these who needs enemies? When the DUP fall-out that fall-out is usually behind closed doors. The result sees someone walking off in a huff or simply swallowing their pride and keeping calm and carrying on.

But there has been a very public spat within the party. First off, Ian Paisley Jnr said the standard of debate in the Northern Ireland Assembly wasn’t very good. Next Peter Robinson said that oh yes it was! Pantomime season isn’t upon us, but this was beginning to seem like a right old pantomime.

What it has done is cause us to all examine what the debates at the Assembly are really for. Unless directly relating to legislation being introduced debates are generally waffling for the sake of waffling about special interests relating to constituencies.

Or to have a pop at a Minister – which, frankly, is like shooting fish in a barrel; very easy, but with an after-taste.

Paisley the Younger may be close to the mark in his criticism of the standards of debate at Parliament Buildings – and the standards of grammar. We surely are not alone when our teeth grind as verb agreements are torn asunder by the serried ranks of MLAs on a regular basis! But Mr Paisley should also be aware that the like of Prime Minister’s Question Time is a set-piece zoo-like spectacle of the worst kind.

Here, constrained by the constitutional conveniences of consensual politics, debates are less engaging, rhetoric a skill less-deployed, and the semi-literate can turn a phrase pre-prepared for them.

The real question should be whether it is effective. As the mother of Parliaments, and the legislative home of all reserved and excepted matters, not to mention all English laws, Westminster has a lot more work to do.

On a pro rata basis the Assembly gets through quite a lot of work – all be it that last time out they did a lot of that in the closing weeks. The debates, as such, are the public window-dressing for the beating heart of the Assembly, which can usually be found in the bear-pits of Assembly statutory committees. There lies the real fun, and where unfortunately too few bother to watch or attend the delights of MLAs quizzing civil servants.

Tuition feeble decision not taken

2011-06-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

ONE of the advantages of a mandatory coalition – and yes we are assured there is at least one - is that one does not need to rush to a conclusion.

One of the disadvantages of a mandatory coalition – and yes we are aware there are many - is that eventually one must come to some sort of a conclusion.

The Alliance Party may have been delighted to get in on the big act with a seat by right at the top table, but soon Minister for Employment and Learning, Dr Stephen Farry, might find it is the hot seat.

The reason became all too clear at this week’s oral Assembly questions, when Dolores Kelly asked about student tuition fees. For those with memory loss, over the past year there have been quite a few protests about student tuition fees; with the majority of students thinking an increase is pretty much a bad idea!

For Dr Farry there is a confluence of factors rolling together: a need to make a decision being the first factor!

Then there is the fact that a decision must be taken by September so that the loans can be sorted out for the following academic year.

After that there is the not inconsiderable task of shaping third level education to meet the employment needs of both international and local employers – not to mention the academics who live by the axiom of publish or die when it comes to tenure!

Next is the fact that our two universities are bleating about the cuts they are being forced to make as it is, without the problems that may ensue if they do not get either more money from higher fees or more money from the Executive.

And finally, Dr Farry will have to get all his new found Executive chums to agree to whatever decision is made by “September at the latest”.

We have a cunning plan: one which will help Dr Farry and his Executive chums in the long run. First – any degree that includes the words “dance” or “fashion” go immediately.

Next: any degrees in journalism – out! Politics? Seriously? Only for those not studying what passes for politics here! Agriculture? That’s a college course. And Art! No, no, no! If you can colour in between the lines award yourself an ‘A’ level and don’t even think about an art degree. There, they’d saved a wee fortune right off.

But seriously – yes we can be serious for a minute or two – Dr Farry must steer the middle ground between recommending a sensible fee structure that still enables a wide range of students access to degree courses, while maintaining the integrity and teaching standards befitting our universities.

Yellow pack – what’s that then your honour?

2011-06-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

THE row between Justice Minister David Ford and the legions of lawyers rumbles on with impoverished legal eagles having to auction the Astin Martin and buy some of the cheaper Scotch from supermarket shelves.

Amidst the tooing and froing a curious phrase emerged from one of the legal combatants in this curious strike action. He alleged that the Minister wanted “Yellow Pack justice”.

Younger listeners and viewers will, no doubt have been bemused by that turn-of-phrase from Pearse MacDermott of the Solicitors Criminal Bar Association.

For those of you who recall the halcyon days of Stewarts and Crazy Prices supermarkets, Yellow Pack products were own label products deliberately marketed as being cheap and cheerful without any frills.

So, it seems that Mr MacDermott chose an apt metaphor in his allegation.

But wait a cotton-picking moment, Yellow Pack goods slipped from the shelves around 20 years ago.

We can deduce from this that perhaps it is the case that Mr MacDermott has not done any food shopping in supermarkets for around 20 years, as he has someone do it for him.

Or was it a very deliberate attempt to force those who were too young to remember Stewarts and Crazy Prices to extrapolate the metaphor, thereby achieving a tortuous victory...

We’re not sure which it was, but it was a strange choice of words, but still one that caught the mood of this increasingly rancorous dispute.

Still, now the English firms are threatening to poach the home turf, we’ll see how firm some of the law firms hold as revenue trickles away to some solicitor from across the North Channel.

Are the Ulster Unionists written off?

2011-06-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

EVERY good thing must come to an end: that fine glass of Beaujolais, that exquisite steak, or that wondrous dessert the local lodge prepared.

But Mr Tom Elliott is hoping that he will not be savouring the end of the UUP, but rather a hearty repast before mounting a resurgence.

Last week at the UUP AGM Mr Elliott said that after just nine months in charge and one relatively disastrous election it was time to look at candidate selection and generally sort out the mess.

However, rather curiously he did admit there was division in the party, but that members should present a united front.

Now, analyse that for a wee while. We’re rowing, but as long as the neighbours don’t call the cops it will be okay...

The party has taken a hammering and as yet has failed to emerge the other side. If there is dissension within, surely a strong leadership would simply kick it out?

Oh, but then again kick too many out and what are you left with...

Bout ye David!

2011-06-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

ACCORDED the honour of addressing the Norn Iron Assembly Prime Minister David Cameron gently chided the assembled MLAs that they needed to get on with getting on as he explained what ‘bread and butter’ politics really are.

It was a little like the public school headmaster telling assembled pupils that they needed to get their priorities straight.

There was, no doubt, straight talking in Stormont Castle when Cameron and attendant puppy Paterson met Martin McGuinness and Peter Robinson. Such straight talking, we are led to believe included: “Look David, you’ll have an extra wee bun whether you like it or not!” Another example was “David, What actually are you doing here?”

And it is that latter question that is perhaps most pertinent one. Was there a clear goal behind the visit? There’s no election in the offing, the edifice of powers-sharing is relatively stable and there was no international media in attendance.

Then it came to us – he was trying to avoid a very public spat with Archbishop of Cantebury Dr Rowan Williams, and mulling over whether the Lords Templar should vote to get rid of the Lords Spirtual?

Largesse dispensed

2011-06-06T06:23:00.001-07:00

WHO gave the new ministers a cheque-book? Health Minister Edwin Poots throws open the doors and announces that Altangelvin hospital in Derry/Londonderry will have a radiotherapy unit. Then Roads Minister Danny Kennedy announces a West Link upgrade for Belfast.

It seems in the run-up to the summer recess the MLAs are determined to be nice to everyone.

But we fear within this velvet glove are a set of knuckle dusters, and hidden in the folder is a cleaver sharpened and ready for cuts.

For, former Chief Examiner of ‘A’ Level Economics, and current Minister for Finance Sammy Wilson seemed pretty sure that we need to cut our cloth in these tough times to match a shrinking budget.

Which sort of means that all these nice new shiny announcements will be paid for by slashed services?

Whether we like it or not the books have to balance and harsh decisions will have to be taken.

Ahh wick like it’s a wikileak

2011-06-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

JUST when you thought the world had gotten over itself with the ranting, raving and finger pointing about who met whom and who said what in this part of the world when rampaging right out of the news pages is a wikileak.

The internet rapscallions passed on cables that implied/inferred/said outright that DUP and Sinn Féin were in direct talks before the iconic 2007 face-to-face. And we wonder why this is news?

You see most people will tell you that Sinn Féin and the DUP talked before 2007. It just happened. However the fact that the party said no contact was sanctioned means that if by chance there was a meeting, then there was deniability.

Hardly the stuff of Watergate...

At least there was some entertainment value at US officials rating Margaret Ritchie in none too pleasant terms and agreeing that the previous Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s ‘Biffo’ (Big ignorant fecker from Offally) nickname was appropriate.

It all leads to one question – what else is being said in confidential memos from other governments around the world.

Methinks we need a makeover for Norn Iron plc and some voice coaching for some of our MLAs...

Now that’s a bit rich!

2011-06-03T07:52:00.000-07:00

WHO would have thunk it! MLAs are spending a wee fortune to have someone tell them how much they should be paid.

Now stay with us here, much as you might feel the urge to throw things around and stamp your feet please keep calm and remember there’s always BBC Radio Ulster’s Nolan Show to ring up and harangue.

Last year, the Assembly, not wanting to appear greedy, passed a law that said if and when they set up an independent panel to decide how much they get paid, they had to absolutely, without question, accept what it said.

So despite all their concerns about quangos and arm’s length bodies, MLAs have created a quango to decide how much they will get paid.

The cost to taxpayers will be £100,000+ and for that we’ll get three part-time ‘panellists’ at a cost of £19,000. Doing some simple maths that’s about £6,333.33 per panellist per year for what will probably amount to a day or two per month. Who will these panellists be? We are willing to bet they will be drawn from the hordes of non-executive directors floating from quango to quango in the twilight years of their earning.

The rest of the money will be £60,000 for support staff and £20,000 for specialist advice – for that read management consultant!

According to a BBC report, after the first year, annual costs will drop from £100,000 to £15,000 per year. We haven’t a clue why - although once they’ve said how much the men and women on the Hill are to get in their pay packets, what else will they be doing?

Now, almost certainly this panel will recommend a pay rise, given that MLAs for a long time have noted that colleagues in Scotland and Wales get loads more dosh than they do.

And the genius thing is that they have to, no doubt with heavy heart and much protestation, accept the pay rise: because they passed a law to that effect.

But before you all go “well they work hard and £43,000 isn’t a lot for the work they do” think again.

A fare whack of the MLAs get an additional salary, if they are “office holders”. This additional salary ranges from just over £2K up to a whopping £66k for the FM and dFM.

Ministers get an additional £37k and chairs of committees get over £11k.

No doubt the independent panel will up those rates too.

Before you go any further, have a wee think about the expenses they receive too. For driving into work they get 40p a mile, which means some members pocket several thousand pounds a year. And cyclists aren’t left out, they get 20p per mile for, well we’re not exactly sure what they get it for.

Sure and then there’s the double jobbers...

Let’s face it, being an MLA is hard work, but is it any harder work than a nurse or a teacher? Yeah that is simplistic, but it’s hard not to think that way when the MLAs are going quango crazy to get a pay rise.

Marshall Mathers for Bangor!

2011-05-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

THERE can, perhaps be no stranger sentence in the English language that associates North Down with Marshall Bruce Mathers III a.k.a. Eminem.

What will the residents of Cultra, Crawfordsburn, West Bangor and Groomsport make of Eminem – a man alleged to be a foul-mouthed misogynist, with criminal convictions – headlining the Tenants Vital concert in Bangor’s Ward Park?

Last year Ward Park was adorned by the ever so polite nice young men of Snow Patrol, and now the foul mouthed rapper comes to North Down.

It hasn’t arrived yet, but wait for it, there will be predictable cries for Eminem to be banned from, well, the predictable sources.

Some say that the greatest triumph of the DUP was when Ballymena Council managed to ban the innocuous and pleasantly melodious Electric Light Orchestra on the grounds that they would attract "the four Ds Drink, Drugs, Devil and Debauchery”. So what will they make of Eminem?

Goodness only knows what sort of apoplexy TUV leader Jim Allister will slide into trying to link rappers’ potty tongues to Sinn Féin plotting “sordid deals” with the DUP.

Times have moved on since the DUP banned ELO, we have had raves in the Kings Hall and estates around Antrim, we’ve had death metal bands playing all across Norn Iron, but will Eminem be enough to raise the hackles?

However, before the disapproval bounds forth on to The Nolan Show, rips on to newspaper pages and mounts a pulpit, those who are preparing to pontificate should consider two things: Seamus Heaney – Nobel Poet Laureate reckons Eminem is a pretty good wordsmith and secondly, Marshall Mathers knows what it is like to be cast as a cliché.

Just as our politicians can be unfairly stereotyped (we always try to satirise fairly!) so entertainers are too:

“Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am...”

And, as our politicians sit back of an evening, how many cast aside the tie and suit jacket and consider whether they have become the persona that the public says they should be.

The Allister Employment Scheme

2011-05-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

TUV Leader Jim Allister! All hail the Allister Employment Scheme!

In a stroke of absolute genius the one, the only Jim Allister has managed to set up a scheme that guarantees public sector employment of dozens, if not hundreds of humble civil and public servants.

Mr Allister’s cunning plan kicked in almost as soon as he signed up as a Member of the Legislative Assembly – yep that’s the very same one he howled a wee bit about when it was the UUP in charge, and then when his erstwhile DUP friends took charge.

Mr Allister – rather cunningly – has been disguising his employment scheme as “a thorn in the side of the DUP”. Phase one has been to make a lot of noise: always useful in providing cover for the real plan.

Next stage – and here’s the really clever bit, we only wish other MLAs had thought of this – is ask loads and loads of written questions.

These are good because – and it’s not the obvious reason such as getting an answer to cause embarrassment – those questions need answered. The answers come not from the ministers, but from the ranks of civil and public servants who have to dig through records, pull out emails, generate reports, get an Excel spreadsheet together, save it in a format the drones can save in the font that the Assembly uses, and then post it to Mr Allister, and then to its website...phew, that’s a lot of work for a lot of workers.

With barely two working weeks under his belt Mr Allister has lodged more than 10 written questions to the Office of First Minister and Deputy First Minister alone! At this rate, any hope for cuts in public services will disappear under an avalanche of paperwork and questions, thus ensuring the jobs of many, many people!

Thank you Mr Allister for keeping so many people in employment!

Spin city

2011-05-23T02:09:00.000-07:00

THE Chartered Institute of Public Relations (CIPR) has a definition of what public relations means. It says on its website that PR is:

“…the planned and sustained effort to establish and maintain goodwill and mutual understanding between an organisation and its publics.”

This is of course, what each and every new minister seems to be undertaking since they were appointed…

Within 36 hours of taking their Ministerial pledge, there were stories with culture minister Carál Ní Chuilín and education minister John O'Dowd on a double page spread in the Irish News.

Then we had the exclusive BBC interview with new health minister Edwin Poots. Chunks of airtime, despite the wall-to-wall Royal visit down south coverage, were devoted to Minister Poots.

The first part of the CIPR definition of PR is about reputation. So, combined with the quotation above, we have a clear agenda to gain a better reputation for ministers, goodwill towards them and their decisions, and – get this – mutual understanding.

Well that’s all right then. Our ministers will work to make sure that not only are they going to tell us what’s happening through their organised media management, but they are also going to listen to what service users want and need.

We suspect not. In fact, call us cynical (most people do) but the whole exercise of ministers in the media this past week smacks of a concerted effort to make sure that the public recognises their faces.

So who is behind this propaganda effort? (We’ll not dignify it as PR because the charm offensive will die out as soon as hard choices need to be made)

Is it the Executive Information Service? Is it the party’s themselves? Is it the legions of ‘Special’ Advisers?

Whoever it is, we expect that journalists will find that the word ‘goodwill’ shall be dropped from any definition of PR that equates to ministerial communications.

An invidious position

2011-05-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

SINN Féin must have been greatly relieved that the visit of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II – or Elizabeth Windsor, if you are from Óglaigh na hÉireann – came after the recent elections.

It has meant that they have not had to face all that awkwardness surrounding the visit of the Queen.

Gerry and his beard have looked particularly uncomfortable; with a sort of ‘not the right time’ and ‘some more apologies from the Brits please’ beginning to sound distinctly churlish in the wake of wall-to-wall coverage.

In fact, some of the coverage passed ‘over-the-top’ on the way to complete and utter overkill.

The media struggled for another commentator to repeat the word ‘historic’ every few seconds of interview time.

Which left the half-hearted dissention of Sinn Féin and the rabid dissidents casting stones and vitriol: and in an ironic twist one of those rabid protestors was wearing the shirt of an English football team…

To a certain extent it was not in Sinn Féin’s interests to make too much of a deal about the Royal visit. Their focus in the Republic is on the economy; and Barack Obama’s advisers look closely at recent statements of political parties before he touches down.

And in Norn Iron Martin McGuinness is shoulder to shoulder with Peter Robinson on their personal agenda of making it all better here in the north.

Obviously Martin couldn’t be seen at the state banquet in Dublin Castle but such is the new found, if tentative, matey-ness of the two that Peter is said to have brought back a wee doggie bag of leftovers for their plotting sessions on the downfall of the UUP and SDLP.

Whether the Queen managed to notice the absence of Sinn Féin at the banquet will remain unknown in line with protocol, but at the Irish National Stud could it have been the case that Sinn Féin like all the other politicians, were waiting for a tip from Her Majesty on the 3.15 race at Chepstow…

Whatever the case, the visit of the Queen leaves Sinn Féin with a dilemma in terms of their public positioning. If they maintain their vocal anti-royalist stance, tying the monarchy into past issues, the public will largely ignore this, or worse still lambast them. If they choose to let the wedding and royal visit furor die down then the hardliners may ask why they have kept relatively quiet.

Whatever the case a wee secret bad part of Gerry and Martin must be hoping for a tabloid royal scandal exposé very soon…

If you’re happy and you know it…

2011-05-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

IT’S getting down to business and, in case you doubt it, Peter and Martin are going to tell you that it is so! The new, shiny face of the Norn Iron Executive is that of an executive ready to get down to the hard work of government.

How long the honeymoon period actually lasts is another matter, for as sure as the sun rises and the day darkens at dusk there will be rows and hissy fits.

So in the meantime, there’s a certain sense of knuckling down to the hard tasks. And who said that our ministers must work together? Well it was the electorate according to Peter and Martin.

There was, however, a hint that a window of opportunity exists in the next 18 months or so to get the really awkward decisions taken. Peter did mention that it is three years until the next election.

Compare that to the last two years – a European election, a Westminster election and then May’s double whammy – and it is easy to see that it was difficult to agree on whether the Executive would have tea or coffee let alone agree a budget!

So, with real politics/bread and butter politics [delete as applicable] on the table can we expect all to be sweetness and light? Well, no.

For a start a clear signal has been sent from Minister of Cuts, Sammy Wilson that the hard times are coming down the road. The warnings have been given over the past year and now the stark reality is coming to pass.

Add into that there is the switcherooney planned by the DUP in two years time, with ministers stepping aside for a new tranche of bright-eyed DUP guys.

Translate this simply: the new squad of ministers will not have to bear the blame for the harsh decisions. In two years time, pummelled by cuts and the harsh decisions, the electorate will welcome with open arms the new set of DUP ministers, as they bring light, beneficence and bigger budgets to bear. And, at the same time they can slag off the rest of the Executive.

No doubt their coalition partners, Sinn Féin, will be immune to the battering, but the SDLP and UUP will be firmly in the sights of the DUP ministers. No real change there then!

Welcome back?

2011-05-17T03:12:00.000-07:00

IN media circles there was much popping of corks, high fives across newsrooms and celebrations akin to the ending of a long war.

The reason for their success? The election of Mr Jim Allister to the Assembly! It does not matter to the media that Mr Allister’s party was not even close elsewhere in the Assembly elections. It does not matter that Mr Allister was not elected on a wave of popular dissent against the DUP.

What does matter is that they no longer feel awkward about inviting Mr Allister to speak about everything or anything he objected to when he held no democratic mandate.

That of course begs the question as to whether the exposure of Mr Allister in the media in the months leading up to the poll helped or hindered him in the poll. Would another party – let’s say the Green Party, the Worker’s Party or UKIP – have benefitted from similar pre-purdah exposure?

But, Mr Allister now stands as an elected Member of the Legislative Assembly. The media were already hanging on his every utterance as the election of the speaker and his deputies got underway.

As a piece of political theatre it was engrossing, but theatre it was. It added nothing to our understanding of the future path of the individuals, parties or the assembly itself. It did, perhaps, signal to other existing and future MLAs that shouting loudest and stirring an already cooked pot gets the most coverage if not the most progress.

“We just hate everyone” – a statement from the masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex society

2011-04-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

THE politics of condemnation is one that all politicians and almost all commentators have become all too familiar with over the period of the Troubles and in more recent weeks.

But sometimes there is sheer bewilderment at the stupidity, arrogance and hate-filled spite that spews from some.

If it was not bad enough that some of the so-called dissident groups murdered, in cold blood, Constable Ronan Kerr, or that morons targeted a football manager, we had to listen to a litany of targets and collaborators from a masked idiot.

The police were targets, with Roman Catholic officers being prime targets, and anyone else they might come up with on a Saturday night. But, they also slammed Church men, constitutional politicians, the GAA and no doubt were adding anyone in the rest of the population of Ireland, north and south, to their potential legitimate targets, along with the entire nations of Scotland, England and Wales, with the EU to follow shortly afterwards.

They are the worst sort of masked idiots; ones with no real agenda other than hatred and violence. Whatever agenda they may pretend to have is so out of touch with the reality experienced by the majority of Northern Ireland’s 1.8m residents. Sure we rarely agree on anything, but the days of sectarian murder, town centres crippled and pulverised, lives and limbs torn apart are behind us. What sort of twisted nostalgia wants that all to happen again.

We have a theory: masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex. It’s a personality disorder that feels that the sufferer’s life is not complete unless a notional state entity, is wedded with conspirators in churches and politics, working with every civilian to punish illegally the sufferer’s ‘cause’.

The sufferers of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex are easy to spot by their actions, such as wittering on to a few dozen halfwits, murdering people and trying to destroy the economy.

Unfortunately they are harder to identify as their idea of fashion is a balaclava and they prefer to skulk about in the dead of night committing their foul deeds against humanity.

We’d like to offer a final message to sufferers’ of masochistic martyrdom paranoia complex from a Republican background: we slag off anyone and everyone in a form of humour sometimes called satire. We’re not always good at it, but we are even-handed, so sufferers from a Loyalist background have been our legitimate targets too. But we target with words. Perhaps you’d be so kind to seek psychiatric help in the meantime.

Colour coding Norn Iron

2011-04-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

WE’RE a thoughtful bunch here in Norn Iron – we colour code areas of staunch sectarian attitudes. We can safely lay claim to being the first, if not the only country to colour code sectarianism.

No, not something straightforward as flags or bunting: no, we go one step further and colour code our pavements’ kerbing.

Although the practice is dying out as quickly as traditional industries and support for paramiltarism, there are still parts of Belfast were you will know by way of a green, white and gold kerb, or a red, white and blue kerb, just what the general affiliation of the inhabitants is.

But with the passing of the majority of pavement artistes there has emerged another reliable sign of when you move from one demographic affiliation to another; that is the election poster.

If you see a large amount of DUP and UUP posters then in all likelihood you’ll know you are in a Loyalist/Unionist ward. Similarly, a large amount of Sinn Féin and SDLP posters and you are in a Republican/Nationalist ward.

And, if the net value of the houses in the ward is well above the average then you might see Alliance posters.

[In terms of balance we’d like to say there are other parties contesting the election, check them out on reliable media; or failing that try the local papers, BBC and UTV].

With such sectarian colour coding, it reveals a deep flaw in Northern Ireland politics. The four largest parties do not aspire to gain votes from, wait for it, “the Other Side”.

Much as a token member or voter will appear when politically opportune, or for media purposes, the parties have not the confidence in their message to have any ambition of winning voters by argument. If they did, the arguments on so-called bread and butter issues would justify campaigning in every ward.

Instead we have what we have: the old saying that we get the politicians we deserve may well be true after all.

Aren’t bank holidays inconvenient?

2011-04-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

THERE has been much moaning about the Royal Wedding by those fed up with the wall-to-wall media love-in, and privately even the staunchest Royalist unionist politician must be fed up with the whole affair...err not that we’re suggesting a Royal Affair!

First there was Easter and the Assembly election campaign on the stumps stumbled as banks were closed Good Friday and Easter Monday, while some other employers offered staff Easter Monday and Tuesday. Canvassers didn’t know what the score was at all.

Then there was the big yellow ball in the sky...sunshine in Norn Iron at Easter? It’s practically unheard of. Voters were seen in cars actually preparing to go the beach! And, they weren’t wearing seven layers of thermals and a knitted sweater.

A late Easter and then the nuptials of Prince William and Katherine Middleton... With the beneficence of a medieval Lord, Prime Minister Cameron granted us another public holiday.

At the time even nationalists raised a brief huzzah at the thought of another day away from the sweatshop. But now political parties are muttering.

Four days when you can’t guarantee if the punters will be in to harass with good weather, and Champions League semi-finals to boot...

But while they have been bemoaning the wedding, weather and days off voters beware! With all that time off we believe that they will be all marshalling their energies, gathering the canvassing troops and heading to doorsteps and media studios across the land.

Baton down the hatches, get the dog ready to bark the loudest, or simply tell them that you’ve made up your mind, so please, go away. If only it was that easy.

Promises, promises...don’t give me your promises! #ae11

2011-04-21T02:50:00.000-07:00

YOU really know when an election is in full swing! It’s when parties can make a whole series of empty promises. Yes, roll-up, roll-up to hear how all the problems of Norn Iron can be solved by just voting for the party that promises the most!

This week we have the DUP saying there will be no increase in student fees and no water charges. Sammy Wilson may be the prophet of economic doom before the election, but largesse seems to have been found somewhere.

We do wonder what sort of cuts elsewhere will need to be made to pay for this, and whether his future party colleagues will agree to these.

And, Sinn Féin is in on the act too now. They’re promising a referendum on a united Ireland, knowing full well that it will not gain the necessary cross-community backing. That’s not to mention aiming for an all-island health service free at the point of delivery, despite knowing that the Dáil will need several months of cutting everything to be able to afford a fraction of the cost involved in realising this. An unlikely scenario, given the crippling debt repayments the country is having to make thanks to the profligacy of its banks.

So, if you believe these promises – along with the bright shiny talk emanating from the other parties – we urge you to remember the last Executive. Round that big table at Stormont Castle parties had difficulty agreeing and taking decisions on a number of big ticket issues; the future of our children’s education, local government reform, ending double jobbing... When a prospective MLA comes round your door, don’t ask them their policies or promises. Instead ask them if they think they can get their coalition colleagues to agree with them. Expect a fudged answer at best.

Windmills at Stormont! #ae11

2011-04-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

THE Green Party has declared that Norn Iron can be a low-carbon region. While this is laudable, it does not make any recommendations as to how we can reduce the global warming caused by the hot air spewing forth from Parliament Buildings during plenary debates!

During an idle moment we considered the options.

Not to state the obvious, but despite recent appearance of the big shiny ball in the sky, solar power isn’t really a runner for much of our energy needs.

However, there two weather elements that we have in copious quantities – wind and rain. Starter for 10 – every new home has to have a big barrel that’s contents are used for flushing the loo. Wait until our politicians do their sums again and realise they need to charge us for water, before Norn Iron goes broke; you’ll see a rush on rain barrels.

Which leads us on to wind power. While there are some funky wind farms out there and others being planned, we think that we can make savings by using small ideas. Remember as a child you had the wee windmills on the end of a plastic stick? You don’t – childhood poverty must go back a few years!

Well, to cut to the chase, the walk up to Parliament Buildings is cold and windy most of the year; so fit hundreds if not thousands of these wee windmills along the way, each connected to a rechargeable battery. Simple – MLAs could even use these batteries to keep their mobile phones charged the next time they feel the need to call Stephen Nolan...

All of this was going to be a lead up to a literary reference about spotting which Assembly candidate has been tilting at windmills, but instead it is an allusion to the fact that like it or not, the economy will need to be top of the agenda, if the new Executive is to keep even half the promises being made during this election!

Confused? You’re not alone!

2011-04-20T01:08:00.000-07:00

WE believed with all sincerity that the forthcoming convergence of Assembly and council elections was a good thing, but now we’re worried about the poor voter.

Adorning lampposts across Norn Iron is the usual kaleidoscope of party contenders. On a short journey across varied highways and byways we spotted a variety of party hopefuls.

In some areas, parties have two lists of candidates on the same lamppost, and other areas the same candidates are running as Assembly candidates and council candidates (we got that from the post from Mark McGregor and subsequent debate on Slugger O’Toole).

Which means that the poor voter will be confronted with a two different ballot papers; sometimes with completely different names, and sometimes with the same names?

But we have a cunning plan. In four years time, they’ll have to pick one or the other! What! Has that been suggested already? Oh, so it has! And rejected... Ho Hum, another cunning plan then: when the parties have had their fun, we’ll cut the number of local councils! What! Has this been suggested already? Oh, so it has! And rejected...Ho Hum, our last attempt at a cunning plan then: MLAs to actually make a decision! Now that really would be something worth voting for!

From whence the mainstream emerged

2011-04-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

FOR years and years anoraks across the land have been predicting the end of mainstream journalism; when a cast of thousands of citizen journalists (a.k.a. anoraks) will tell the tales that the newspapers and broadcast media have neither the time nor the inclination to cover.

Like all the ‘truths’ told in Norn Iron, it is only half the truth and less than a quarter of the facts.

Blogs, comment boards, Twitter, Facebook and every other half popular social media outlet has been pouring from the keyboards of frustrated so-called experts with increasing fervour and vitriol since the Obama election was proclaimed by those who ran out of hyperbole as the web2.0 election.

While the Westminster election acted as the warm-up here, this time Norn Iron has been deluged by every sort of commentator making the cross-over between social and mainstream media as the Assembly elections draw ever closer – not to mention the local government polls and AV referendum.

While the journey leaders of Mark Devenport at the BBC and Mick Fealty and his cohorts on Slugger O’Toole have been blogging for years, we have now a raft of Tweet Ups, UTV specials, Nolan Show and Talkback Twitter comments, party tweet ups and a clamour to integrate and populate the debate.

Hurrah! The electorate can get involved, cheer on the policies they want and spout forth with ranks of amateurs raising their voices.

Twitter feeds signed up to by politicos that were silent for months have suddenly come alive, Facebook statuses are now updated regularly, and we’ve even had the opportunity to read about candidates experiences out canvassing.

Which all bodes well one would think. But we have a dark nagging fear, as we lie awake at night... We fear that a lot of the political aspect of social media here is of interest to us anoraks, while the rest of the country use social media to, well to be social!

The true test will come in terms of turn-out. Did the extra effort on the web really engage the electorate? We hope so, but in the meantime there are a few comments we need to post...anoraks of the world unite: after all, the geeks will inherit the earth.

What shape the NI Executive?

2011-04-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

ACCORDING to two parties, the Norn Iron Executive (that is our powersharing cabinet) was a dysfunctional trading floor, where bullying and stitch-ups were the norm.

At least one other party wants to reform it, for what appears to be singular self interest.

But, realistically, what cabinet is not dysfunctional, made up of compromise and occasional ill-will? We only need to reflect on the Tory/Lib Dem cabinet to see it in action in Whitehall, and cast your mind back to Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher’s tenure at Downing Street, and the various biographies show that she had to compromise with the ‘Wets’ no matter what might have been said by the Iron Lady in public.

So, realistically, barring a total meltdown in the vote of the UUP and SDLP, it will be a cabinet where Sinn Féin and the DUP carve up the issues they agree on, fight on ideological issues, ignore junior parties and hand out money to the justice budget whenever David Ford creases his beard.

Given the recent attacks and murder of Constable Ronan Kerr, a dysfunctional, rowing Executive may be a price worth paying.

Media confused but battling on as usual

2011-04-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

YOU cannot get moving across the mainstream media broadcast channels and the acres of newsprint without seeing a political analysis. You can at least switch off the party political broadcasts, but BBC, UTV and the main three daily papers are crowded by politicians and pundits.

But there is an element of confusion appearing in the coverage.

The more enlightened (or naive) journalist wants to talk about health, education, water charges or other ‘proper’ political topics. Talk shows on the radio are even devoting hour long specials on these.

In the meantime, McGinty’s goat is sure that as long as you pin the right rosette on him close to election he’ll get voted in.

Phoney campaign over

2011-04-12T03:39:00.000-07:00

THE phoney war may be over, and the jabs and punches being thrown since the May election last year have been merely a prelude to a full-on conflict.

But we need to be clear. This is a truly sectarian vote. Before you find a high horse to mount while muttering about a new Northern Ireland and the return of normal politics, hold on a moment.

It is sectarian in terms of the unionists trying to take votes off each other, and the nationalists trying to take votes off each other.

Sinn Féin will not capture many disgruntled DUP or UUP voters. Any first preference votes they gain will be at the expense of the SDLP and vice versa. No UUP voters will switch to Sinn Féin, nor will any gravitate that way from the DUP.

So it is a sectarian slugging match waged on each side of the tribal fence, which leaves the Alliance Party caught in the middle as usual...

Like Rory, who will choke on the final run-in?

2011-04-12T00:57:00.000-07:00

WHILE all hearts go out to unsuccessful Masters golfer Rory McIlroy, the question is which party will choke as May 5th comes closer.

Rory played wonderfully and already unfair commentators are concentrating on his final round, rather than the other three fantastic days. But while Rory will grow and learn from his mistakes throughout the summer tours, political parties have only one shot at the Assembly every four years; one misplaced drive at the opposition and voters are less forgiving than the Augusta course around Amen Corner.

Will the rifts that appeared in the UUP be papered over to preserve the vote? Will Caitriona Ruane’s poll rating as the least popular minister affect her electoral chances? Can Alliance capitalise on Naomi Long’s Westminster poll or slide back into perennial pretenders? Will the DUP smite once more the TUV’s challenge?

The hustings are unforgiving places for any politician, and the battle won’t be won or lost by who has the most posters on the lampposts. Instead we have a new phenomenon creeping into the election – the reactivated social media politician!

During the Westminster election politicians scrambled on to Twitter and Facebook, and then promptly forgot about it! Now, as an election looms that may affect their pay packets you cannot get moving on Twitter for tweets from parties and increasingly desperate candidates.

Goodness only know how any normal people are expected to organise parties, keep track of sporting fixtures when politicians are clogging up social sites, and punters are changing predictions daily on the same.

In the meantime, there is something particularly unforgiving about the social media. In previous elections what was said on telly or in the papers was quickly forgotten. But in the social media what is said is not forgotten. It is there forever. One wrong word, one misplaced phrase can come back to haunt; one post about the opposition can be cast back whenever your enemies choose.

We think we might just actually read some of those Tweets and Facebook updates – who knows what material we may find there!

It’s bread and butter politics

2011-04-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

FIRST Minister Peter Robinson claims that this will be the first set of Northern Ireland elections that deal with ‘everyday issues’.

On one level, our esteemed political commentators and pundits have been waxing lyrical about Peter’s implicit move to this stance as an indication of maturity from the DUP supremo, confident that the constitutional issue is resolved.

Amid pops at other parties, Mr Robinson – who once allegedly led men in berets up a hill – spoke about jobs, care for the elderly and generally issues that would accord him a position on the centre right if he was in any other country.

But Norn Iron is not any other country. Buckfast is regarded as a table wine in some parts, while less than a mile away only the finest Beaujolais will do; if riots were an Olympic sport we’d show Johnny Foreigner how to win a gold in throwing petrol bombs: yes Norn Iron is a wee bit different.

Only here would pictures of kids wearing balaclavas and toting AK47s appear in newspapers alongside wannabe fame babes and lifestyle columns. Only here would there be more Mercedes Benz and BMW’s per head of population than any other part of Europe, alongside soaring levels of child poverty.

So when Mr Robinson talks about everyday issues, he might care to remember that the vast, vast majority of the population has been getting on with everyday issues during the entire span of his political career.

The so-called bread and butter politics of health and social services, our segregated education system, community policing, creating jobs and manning the dole offices are the reality that never stops.

Like all the politicians standing for election, the DUP might care to speak to an electorate that has been less and less likely to make it way to the polling stations.

But then again seeing as there are three polls in one day perhaps we all just might turn out and vote on everyday issues. Now if only there was an everyday political party to vote for.

Questions, questions...

2011-04-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

DEMOCRACY doesn’t come cheap. In fact it is damned expensive.

And we’re not talking about all that ballot box nonsense that rolls around every couple of years.

No we’re talking about the cost of answering questions MLAs pose of Executive ministers.

Minister for Health, Social Services and Public Safety Michael McGimpsey revealed – in answer to a written question - that written questions cost £300 to answer and oral answers cost £925 to answer.

It also emerged – in response to a written question - that 8,160 hours have been spent answering such questions. We were going to calculate all that out, but frankly our wee pocket calculator cannot cope with sums so big.

But it did come up with one answer we were initially confused with. At first we couldn’t understand the reading; we turned it this way and that, until we accidentally read it in the mirror. The answer it seems read like this: “This is the price of accountability”.

We wonder which ministers and which MLAs will be found accountable come May 5th.

He said that I said...

2011-03-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

WELL sure we can be mates after the election, just joint mates. That sentence sort of paraphrases the offer by deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness to First Minister Peter Robinson that should Sinn Féin return the largest amount of MLAs they will offer to have the title joint First Minister in order that unionists don’t run away screaming at the prospect of having Marty as First Minister.

Leaving aside the fact that under some sort of agreement, some time ago in a past occupied by political anoraks and those with the time to give a stuff (apart from TUV leader Jim Allister, who always gives a stuff) the First and deputy First Ministers are coequals it is just a matter of titles.

Peter was canny in his reply – which translates as: “Even if it happens do you really think I’m going to contemplate answering that before the results are in?”

So, the real issue is whether the DUP will seize enough UUP votes, and Sinn Féin will seize enough SDLP votes to make it a close enough vote to at least be interesting.

As we write this we are now counting down to the real issue. With less than five weeks to go, is it long enough to get in the popcorn and sweeties, and create a nest in the home or office where you can watch the results flow in on the telly and power up the PC to pretend that you understand it all.

Because, rest assured you know just as much about it as the stuffed shirts who will be talking endlessly on the box – after all you are reading this right now and it isn’t even April yet!

All screwed either way

2011-03-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

THERE are many regions around the world that have sectarianism, but few do it as well, with such fervour as here in Norn Iron. If it was an Olympic sport in 2012, we’d clean up.

It has been long known that there is an underclass of underachievers on both sides of the sectarian divide, peering across the peace wall in preparation for summer time riots.

Whether you bear the label of 'Prod' or 'Fenian' cast disparagingly along with other terms of abuse such as 'orange bastard', 'taig' or whatever, you can be sure that if you live in an interface area your life chances are worse than those in the ‘burbs.

The extent of Protestant underachievement was highlighted this week with a report into educational underachievement in Protestant working class areas.

Congratulations to East Belfast MLA Dawn Purvis and those around her for producing an analysis that brought into sharp focus what so many knew by anecdote for so long.

Here’s what we make of it. For a long time, unemployment rates in Catholic areas have been too high. In the interim unemployment rates in Protestant areas have been slowly creeping up. Now there is an aspiration deficit that affects those without an ambition beyond the dole queue or the becoming the next drug dealer.

Now that affect is being felt sharpest along interface and inner city areas, with those on the Protestant side showing a real malaise.

There have been a raft of Government pilot schemes, and the quotation of the week goes to Ms Purvis in calling for real action: “We’ve had more pilots than Ryanair!”

But only here in Norn Iron could the problem be so succinctly put in a sectarian way as when outgoing Education Minister Caitríona Ruane claimed that the problem was the fault of unionist politicians because they were retaining selection at aged 11.

Sure end that and the world would be a brighter place, with full employment for all!

Hey ho to elections we go!

2011-03-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

SO here we are once more in the election playground, ready for the swings of the swingometer and the roundabouts of going round the constituency merry-go-round.

It barely seems like a year since we were last here, eagerly awaiting the fun and games that precede the casting of votes. In fact it hasn’t really been a year; for over six or seven months we have been a phoney war in preparation for the election campaign.

And what a campaign it will be - three votes on one day! Pundits have been sharpening tongues and gathering witty phrases, while radio phone-in presenters have been dusting down put-downs and promising to hold the politicians to account.

But, just hold on one minute. Before we all run away with ourselves, just what is at stake here?

There is the make-up of our local councils to start with. Yes, those august gentlemen and ladies who hope to attach the prefix of councillor to their name after May 5th, will barely be into post when they will be considering at what level they will be setting our rates, and generally agreeing which services to cut.

We then have the AV vote. Now, try not to doze off when someone mentions this, because it is important. Rest assured we’ll try to explain it later on in the campaign, but for now just understand that there is set to be fewer constituencies.

And so, we have the Assembly election. Those of you who have a wee bit of wit about yourselves may have noticed that over the last three weeks the Assembly has churned through a lot of legislation – in fact a veritable mountain of bills, orders and other assorted miscellany of government.

Which begs a question of the outgoing crop of members of the legislative assembly: what on earth have you been doing over the past year or so? It’s not as if you didn’t know this was all due to be done! You lot are worse than schoolchildren waiting until the day before an exam to do your revision!

But the real test will come on May 5th. No, it’s not whether the candidates will be elected on the strength of their achievements to date. Rather, it is which way the orange vote will fall, which way the green vote will fall, whether the middle ground vote will hold, but most of all, how many citizens will get off their rear ends and exercise their democratic right.

Welcome to Oirelaand El Pesidente

2011-03-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

WELL the Shamrock has been well drowned and lo and behold El Presidente Obama is making the journey to the Republic of Oirishness.

Now will Barack take the next step and come north, where we used to associate the name Barack with the misspelled name of where security forces resided and paramilitaries used ‘barrack busters’?

And, should he nip across the border for tea and tiffins at Hillsborough Castle and a wee natter at the Assembly, then he would just be doing what the previous two incumbents of the Whitehouse have done.

But there is a slight problem - no crisis. If one tracks presidential visits over the past decade or so, they have mostly come at “crucial” points in Norn Iron politics. A timely visit from an actual, proper, statesman is seen as the order of the day to resolve the issue.

To ensure President Obama makes the wee jaunt north of the border, the challenge for our politicians is to get returned on 5th May and have an almighty row.
You’ll have to let the presidential aides know in advance, of course, but the actual row shouldn’t be a problem for our MLAs: most of them could start a row in an empty house.

In the meantime, genealogists in Ireland have discovered Barack has Oirish ancestors from Co. Offaly. This is the current ‘ancestral arms race’ going on between the Republic of Ireland and Norn Iron – to see whether north or south has had more presidents... So far Norn Iron is slightly in the lead but when the first Hispanic president is elected what are the odds that they’ll find his Mexican great, great Porta Rican grandfather met a man that sold him an Irish terrier...

Chill winds

2011-03-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

IT emerged this week that almost half of Northern Ireland homes suffer from fuel poverty – that is a large proportion of their budget goes on heating their homes, with many unable to do so regularly.

Social Development Minister and self-proclaimed scourge of HM Treasury, Alex Attwood, has launched a £127m programme to replace old boilers and generally help out those facing the deep chill.

Now some have been less than enthused by the whole package but it raises a couple of issues.

First up, is this a minister that was really opposed to the budget. He got money for fuel poverty and abstained from the Budget vote. Surely the highly principled MLA had not been bought off?

Next issue is how did we get to this state of affairs? How did we end up with people living in a developed country that has so many people struggling with their fuel bills?

And finally, if Mr Attwood can get to meet the utility companies and oil suppliers so quickly, can he please pass on their phone numbers to see if we can cadge a discount too?

Oh fudge it, it’s the budget

2011-03-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

WELL hurrah! Gosh darn it we have a budget for l’il ole Norn Iron!

After all the hullabaloo, backbiting and overall nastiness we have a NI Executive budget for the next four years.

Rest easy people because we now know just where the money will be spent…okay that’s a wee bit of a fib. We sort of know where it will be spent, and officials have been beavering away allocating the pounds, shillings and pence to various programmes.

But programmes are part of the picture. You see after all the fighting there is still a Programme for Government to be agreed post- May 5th. Take a deep sigh folks, because we have an election fight – already underway – and the rows over the Programme for Government.

We were watching the shenanigans over the budget row and a debate occasionally broke out.

It is hard not to feel a little depressed at the sheer predictability of the fights and shouting matches. Did anyone really expect mature, thoughtful consideration? Did anyone really expect our elected members to discuss in a calm, deliberate deployment of facts and figures?

So, what did we, the electorate learn from the debate that preceded the 67-31 vote budget approval?

Well, the biggest suspense was whether the UUP ministers would pack up their ministerial bags. Well, they didn’t. But by not voting they were in breach of the Stormont Assembly Ministerial code. Would Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness call on the Speaker to investigate? Would they be kicked out of office?

Of course not! If Michael McGimpsey or Danny Kennedy really expected the First Minister and deputy First Minister to give them more publicity through the process of investigation then it was a tactical error.

And, had they resigned it would have been seen as a futile gesture with barely three weeks until the dissolution of the Assembly.

On the other side of the row was it a tactical mistake to have such a public spat over health? Was the millions added to the health budget enough to stave off the very real picture of cuts to the frontline?

Ultimately the budget was a bun fight over cuts. As the Finance Minister Sammy Wilson was at pains to point out, cuts have to be made – end of story, no more debate.

Well apart from a couple of asides that are worth noting. Firstly, Social Development Minister Alex Attwood of the SDLP was not at the final vote – draw from that what you will but we cannot be bothered as boredom with the whole thing is now a wholesale malaise.

And, Sinn Féin are implementing cuts in Northern Ireland and fighting cuts in the Republic of Ireland – surely this is not an all-island approach.

Aperitif for the main course

2011-03-08T03:26:00.000-08:00

CONGRATULATIONS to each and every TD who thinks they did well in the south of Ireland’s general election.

But, for political anoraks here the whole brouhaha was but an appertiser for the main course here in Norn Iron.

Heck, even the electorate in the south got it pretty easy – here voters will have to contest with two ballot papers and a referendum paper.

So that’s two, 1,2,3’s and a vote on 1,2,3’s that’s almost like our STV but is AV and is part way to PR.

If you’re a political anorak – or someone who pays attention when the news is on - all of that last paragraph will make sense.

For the other 98% of the population that translates as putting a ‘1’ on the ballot paper beside the one you want to be your assembly member and putting some other numbers by those who you don’t like but don’t hate as much as other people on the ballot paper. Some may call this tactical voting, but we didn’t come up the Lagan in a Bubble (for foreigners, or those from Bangor who got through passport control at Sydenham that means we in bountiful Belfast are not naive...).

Once you have decided who will be your MLA, you also get to choose who will be your councillor. Again you get to choose your favourite, then put numbers against those who aren’t quite favourite, those who are not too bad, and avoid those you don’t like at all. If this was any English shire or advanced state with real paved roads and running water such council elections would be fought on local issues, but this is Norn Iron...

As to the decision over whether we will get the proportional representation halfway house of the ‘Alternative Vote’ for Westminster, we will have to take a lie down in a darkened room before even thinking about that...

Well you can please some of the people...

2011-03-04T01:04:00.000-08:00

THE old saying goes that you can please all of the people some of the time, but never all of the people all the time. And when it comes to Northern Ireland rest assured nobody is ever happy all of the time no matter how many times you try to please them.

And with so much at stake, you would have thought that the collective parties associated with this blighted and blessed patch of land would have brought together their wisdom, acumen and accumulated knowledge to bring home a budget to please at least some of the people, some of the time.

As they say in Belfast: “Aye right!” For those not fortunate enough to live in this most beautiful city, the phrase “Aye right!” represents more than a soupcon of sarcasm and a load of irony.

After the wrangling and bitterness surrounding the budget, it was finally agreed by the Executive yesterday (Thursday, 3 March) amid...wait for it...wrangling and bitterness.

Finance Minister, Sammy Wilson unveiled the budget plans with a degree of relish with plans for a special Assembly meeting today (Friday, 4 March). Now we are putting together this l’il old article ahead of the special Assembly meeting. And, it is without fear of contradiction that we can say there will be a certain amount of wrangling and bitterness.

This is also known as party politics, or electioneering.

Amazingly, for a man who proclaimed – and we paraphrase here – “we’re all doomed” a few short months ago, the Minister claims there now seems to be a wee bit of cash floating around the system.

Among those due for congratumalationwelldone accolades are the Land and Property Service, which apparently has gotten better at collecting our rates (local tax).

The result is that health and education are not quite as doomed as we thought. The Department of Employment and Learning is also getting some extra moolah. Pity the poor old Department of Social Development, which is losing £70m.

Of course, there are howls of disappointment and rants a plenty set for the coming months, but whether the Executive got it right, or whether the UUP and SDLP were right to vote against it at yesterday’s meeting of the Executive, we have a budget.

Now everyone gets to row about the detail and after the election fight about the Programme for Government.

Politics is such fun here. We can hardly contain ourselves!

Kicked into touch

2011-02-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

PASS through to the centre forward, intercepted by the full-back, who punts forward, only for the ball to be missed by the winger and roll through to the keeper.

No we’re not talking about the latest round of European soccer matches, but rather the health service.

It’s not that the health service is receiving more soccer related injuries.

It is, however, reference to the fact that the acting head of the NHS Confederation, Nigel Edwards, has appealed for health not to be used as a political football.

Which, we suspect exposes a little bit of naivety on his part – surely health is, and must remain, a political football. From the Bevan reforms, through to the Tory creation of trusts, health has always been a political football with the word ‘ideology’ emblazoned on the ball itself.

The latest consideration is, of course, the Conservatives’ plans to semi-privatise/open up to community groups…oh hold on a moment perhaps the Confederation head was speaking about Norn Iron (well he was over here on Wednesday speaking at its local annual gathering…).

Given that, it is another piece of naivety: he must understand that in Norn Iron everything is a political football.

And the local health service managers Mr Edwards was addressing know all too well that the report into the children’s hospital, cancer waiting times, and so on and so on means that the football is getting walloped all over the park.

And, as a footnote to this story – the Department of Health, Personal Social Services and Public Safety issued a press release on Friday (25 February) which noted that the number of people waiting more than 12 hours for emergency care rose from 702 in December to 1,236 in January. Do we hear the sound of a another soccer match getting ready for kick-off?

You only sing when you’re winning, sing when you’re winning…

2011-02-25T06:29:00.001-08:00

YOU’RE going home in the back of an ambulance! The referee’s a w****r! Okay we’ll stop there before descending into the less cerebral and even more offensive football chants.

This week’s passage of the Justice Bill through the Assembly suffered a hiccough along the way when an amendment to end sectarian chants at sports events was defeated.

Ulster Unionist MLA, Basil McCrea was among those that were at the heart of the debate. We say “hear, hear” because the amount of interventions recorded in the Assembly’s Official Report during the debate meant that anyone who managed to stay focussed had managed an achievement of some sort. And a rousing 'hear, hear' and an obligatory 'Amen' is what we expect for any achievement - we may even tip into a 'well done!'

And as to sectarian chanting! No, we never hear such things at rugger or GAA grounds.

We did think of asking Gregory Campbell for his thoughts on this vexed subject after one of his visits to see his beloved Rangers. But after his team were beaten 3-0 by the ‘Hoops’ last weekend we thought better of it!

We oppose!

2011-02-22T03:33:00.000-08:00

THE Ulster Unionist leader Tom Elliott last week floated the idea that mandatory coalition government is perhaps not the best way forward.

In a speech to business leaders he floated the idea of a formal opposition in the Assembly chamber and other assorted ideas such as reduced numbers of constituencies.

We, have to wonder, has Mr Elliott thought this through.

First of all – under the current system and most people’s guesstimates over the May election results this would mean no seat in Government for the UUP or SDLP.

Second – the whole committee system would need to be over-hauled.

And then we – the public – would have to cough up for the ‘opposition’ parties. That’s not even to mention the confusion this would create for the Alliance Party.

But, as a party with no MPs, it may have escaped the notice of the UUP that at Westminster – even with the new fangled Conservative and Lib Dem Government, opposition parties rarely, if at all change policy, law or practice of governments. They do get soundbites on the news headlines, but we wonder if that will be sufficient comfort at passing on ministerial and committee chair salaries.

And that’s not to mention the changes to election boundaries – a tricky issue, which can lead to accusations on all parts of gerrymandering; and look where that has landed us!

Excuse me, but it is our money!

2011-02-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

NOW we may be ignorant as to the mystical and mythical ways that bean counters, treasury officials, auditors, management consultants, actuary managers and others with spreadsheets work, but even they must despair at the labyrinth that passes for budget discussions in Northern Ireland.

C’mon politicians it is the budget for all of Northern Ireland, for all of Northern Ireland’s population, for every man, woman and child, for each and every one of our services.
It is not your budget, apart from the fact that you too – hopefully – pay taxes on your earnings.

So while you are bickering, wrangling, fighting and waffling here’s a brief guide to understanding the budget…

First we pay taxes. The taxes go across the water to people in England. Those people agree how much of that tax money can come back to Northern Ireland.

Then you, as responsible, mature, thoughtful politicians agree how to those taxes can be used to provide services to we, the public.

Okay that last sentence may have contained a fib or two – like the adjectives ‘responsible’, ‘mature’, and ‘thoughtful’ when applied to the mass of MLAs. We are, of course, not suggesting that there are not some who are responsible, thoughtful or mature, but then again….

When it comes to putting a semblance of decision-making behind the whole budget business (and we’re not even going to mention the regional rate!) one would have expected at least our Executive, our committee members and other assorted MLAs to have some common purpose.

Then again, we are generally hopeful that Utopia will eventually be created somewhere outside Belfast (given our luck it will be somewhere in north Down…) and all will be well with the world.

Instead, we have the Finance Committee telling, in effect, their party colleagues, that the budget was delivered too late, and that some departments weren’t engaging with scrutiny committees.

So, it is a mess, the Executive will do what it wants, and in many cases civil servants will have prepared all the programmes for ticking off by their political masters (who, we hope have given appropriate political direction).

And with an election coming down the track all too rapidly, we can at least expect everyone to disagree with everyone else. As they do that, we hope that they remember that it is all our money they are talking about, and it is us who will be queuing at the ballot box.

Dear Columnist

2011-02-14T08:10:00.000-08:00

I note with alarm that Minister for Justice, Mr David Ford MLA, is suggesting that solicitors be allowed to appear in the High Court or the Court of Appeal.

As a practicing barrister, I believe that while this may coincide with some superannuated civil service review, it breaches my inalienable, long established right to cream off as much legal aid as one humanly can within one’s lifetime.

I am sure that Mr Ford is working to ensure that criminals, sorry I meant clients, will be able to access a range of legal services. For goodness sake, how can a solicitor, who can earn money ‘conveyancing’ as well as doing ‘proper’ legal work hope to provide a better and more robust case than us who need to recoup the cost of a silly cape and wig.

We barristers have very little steady income to rely on, and if Mr Ford has his way there will be even less for the high court to contend with in the event of reduced criminality and better community justice. If it keeps going this way, then I shall have to sell the second holiday home and renege on my membership of the yacht club and reduce my golfing to just three times a week.

Yours,

Ex-millionaire Barrister

PS – I know that the Government in London has said there will be no more ‘Saville-type’ inquiries, but can we please, please have at least one big one to keep the pension pot alive?

Hey Jedward

2011-02-14T05:07:00.000-08:00

WELL it’s the time of the year when all eyes focus on the key poll, when we are preoccupied with the thought of who will gain most votes, when we sit up late glued to the box to see who has won – yep it’s Eurovision time.

Jedward may have once claimed to be Under Pressure on X-Factor as they covered/massacred [delete according to whether you have no taste or prefer actual music] the Queen and David Bowie song, but now the real pressure mounts.

Will they be Ireland’s 21st Century Johnny Logan (for younger readers he was the last ‘proper’ Eurovision winner) or just a turkey novelty act.

We have high hopes for the bequiffed twins. They already have come close to winning X-Factor, have secured advertising deals and are about to get a 75-date European tour underway.

Should they succeed in winning Eurovision we reckon that Jedward should lead the new Government of the Republic of Ireland.

After all, with Northern Ireland politics only occasionally rising above the level of laughing stock, having a near neighbour who has a joke Government should put everything into perspective.

And Jedward, despite their lack of musical ability or talent, would at least bring out the popular vote – alas it would be votes from people who are either too young to vote, or people so stupid they shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Departments are getting all connected

2011-02-08T03:26:00.000-08:00

THE wonders of technology are being pushed forth as the Norn Iron executive is embracing the world of social media. Not only are they ‘tweeting’ links to their news releases, but the Executive ad several of its departments have launched their own Youtube channels.

Some of the videos are looking quite well, and we await the Assembly questions about cost, but we have other concerns.

A cynic might say that the use of social media to directly connect with the citizenry is a conspiracy to cut out media interpretation. Having scanned the newspapers on a regular basis, the press releases are usually put in the papers with few attempts at critical analysis. Journalists have obviously better things to do…

But we believe that the Executive should take the next step. On each press release on their website there should be the ability to comment on said press release. That way the citizenry can comment on exactly what they think of the releases contents – or with their views on the Executive in general.

We suspect that this may be a step too far in engaging, transparently with the populace. To do so may mean that there will have to be a Ministerial Sub-Committee on the issue.

In the meantime congratulations to the NI Executive’s Twitterers for having the Executive’s Twitter feed reaching almost 700 followers. It’s just surprising how many of their followers are journalists and politicians – do they not get the press releases already?

Woe is Tory me!

2011-02-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

IT’S unfair. Seriously they used to be mates, but now it has all gone to hell in a handbasket: that is the Tory UUP link that was people!

Secretary of State Owen Paterson declared that Martin McGuiness being elected as First Minister would be an endorsement of political progress, and the local Conservatives are opening their own campaign office with the blessing of the Tory leadership.

Tom Elliott is genuinely a decent sort of bloke – or so we are told – but c’mon no-one deserves to be kicked when they are down. Party members leaving, Tories now seemingly running away, general comments about the death of the UUP, we can only see one hope: a petition to the courts by the UUP seeking to declare every other political party illegal.

Scanning down through history’s pages isn’t that what they used to do? Or are we being too literal about the ‘old Stormont’?

Oh no not more Nolan!

2011-02-07T04:07:00.000-08:00

CONGRATULATIONS to the ever ebullient Mr Stephen Nolan. With the latest RAJAR (radio listening statistics) published his Radio Ulster phone-in is once more confirmed as the “Biggest Show In The Country”.

No doubt there are many who find the BBC broadcaster annoying. No doubt there are public servants who feel he unfairly lambasts those hard at work.

We often raise a silent toast to Mr Nolan as he lays into politicians; or through his baiting makes them seem even more preposterous than they are usually.

But now he has once again secured the ratings to justify his claims, we are in silent despair, having switched the radio off. No longer will we be able to justify a mug of hot chocolate at 9am lasting to 10.30 as we titter at the titillations and political trivia booming from our radio.

For between now and May each and every prospective Assembly candidate from each and every party will be sitting with the Nolan Show’s number on speed dial – ready to pop off a missive or demand an appearance to show how they are right and every other party is wrong.

We may be forced to retreat to the safer environs of Wendy Austin’s afternoon phone-in; that is until she starts having party leaders on her show.

In case you’ve forgotten…

2011-02-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

JUST in case you have forgotten, the education post-primary school transfer debacle has yet to be resolved.

As thousands of pupils ponder their results, and others wonder whether they should have done the test, or are relived that they have not had to go through it, a resolution to the transfer conundrum has not been reached.

We still have an Education Minister entrenched in her position. Caitriona Ruane issued a press release on Thursday, which on the one hand offered her best wishes to pupils who went through the tests and on the other hand said children should be able to choose their school without “any process of selection/rejection”.

On the other side, we have the equally entrenched positions of the unionists, who are of the school of thought, much like Ms Ruane that they shall not be moved.

Which, of course, leaves the children stuck in the middle…

As if this wasn’t enough, trade unions waded into the education debate this week, but not about transfer tests. Instead the issue was the teacher redundancies. There were charges about scaremongering and debate on the air, and then who should row into the phone-in debate?

Of course, it was Sinn Féin’s John O’Dowd and from the DUP’s Mervyn Storey.
Was that absolutely predictable or are we becoming increasingly cynical that everything to do with education will see a Punch and Judy knockabout verging on the ridiculous.

It is perhaps an idiotic dream, but come May, when election fever and general stupidity dies down there will be calm, sober reflection. Maybe all the political parties will sit down and come to some consensus on transfer tests, the Education Skills Authority, the funding crisis, segregated education and the crumbling school estate – but then we wake up and realise that it will be the same entrenched sides…

Oh for goodness sake just go!

2011-02-01T04:55:00.000-08:00

PARLIAMENTARIANS must have wished that Gerry Adams would just go, leave the tag of elected representative for the West Belfast Westminster seat behind (in practice, the SF President wasn’t an MP as he never took his seat in Parliament).

Instead the world (well those darned political anoraks...) marvelled at the 17th Century history of the Chiltern Hundreds, it’s use during the mass unionist Anglo-Irish agreement huff in the 80s, and how it was an ‘office of the crown’.

The whole giggle of Gerry packing it in but having difficulty getting his P45 for potentially handing into the Dail must have passed by those half aware MPs.

Some like to refer to Westminster as the Mother of Parliaments. This anachronistic chaos proved that in this case, the Mother was not wedded to the Father of Parliaments as it raised a bastard set of rules not fit for its 21st Century inheritors.

C’Mon, why not just everyone don cloaks and wigs, smoke corn pipes and murmur knowingly about cotton prices. That would make at least some sense.

Welcome to the crazy world of Norn Iron politics

2011-01-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

IT has occurred to us that some readers are not the political anoraks that we fiercely deny we are...and that a beginner’s guide to Norn Iron politics might be useful.

On reflection even a beginner’s guide would fill more pages than we can really be bothered writing, what with all the excitement (not!) over the forthcoming raft of elections.

So we just decided to give those of you who have a life a wee glimpse at what the mighty law-dispensing body that is the Assembly has in store this week.

Well, there are a number of vitally important decisions that must, no really must be faced within the (teddy) bear pit - that is the fierce debates in the Northern Ireland Assembly chamber. Okay, they’re not that fierce, more like restrained distaste across the expanse of blue carpet.

After the statutory prayers today (Monday) there are such vital items for discussion as the Dogs (Amendment Bill) and the Second Stage of the Cyclists (Protective Headgear) Bill. Both worthy and necessary pieces of legislation; but if you were to look round the chamber you’d likely find a paltry show of MLAs.

There is also the wonderfully obtuse section of Assembly jargon with an item proposed that “this Assembly takes note of the Draft Budget announced on 15 December” by the venerable Finance Minister Sammy Wilson.

Take note – or randomly disagrees about everything that the DUP and Sinn Féin will agree on before deciding to pick on UU Health Minister Michael McGimpsey again.
On Tuesday things really hot-up with the Welfare Animals Bill, and the Consideration and Further Consideration, respectively of the Licensing and Registration of Clubs (Amendment) Bill and the Transport Bill.

But wait a minute! It’s easy to poke fun at our MLAs engaging in such debates; no honestly it’s really easy! But behind the veneer of idiocy there is some proper ‘work’ going on up at the Big House, such as the Safeguarding Bill to protect children and the Wildlife and Natural Environment Bill protecting what’s left of our eco-system.

So why do our MLAs, even when it is not election season, seem determined to obscure the solid pieces of legislation that they and their officials undertake with shows of obdurate daftness when a microphone is waved before them? No party is blameless, so we suspect that it is a conspiracy. We’re not normally conspiracy theorists, but this one has the stench of implausible plausibility.

If we the great unwashed were to ever suspect that they were actually doing something meaningful we would have to consider voting on ISSUES. Rather than engaging in the sectarian headcount that passes for polls we would have to discuss ISSUES. And if we were to do that even Alliance might get a shout at an Executive seat...oops they already got that because the Assembly’s internal sectarian headcount couldn’t agree who was to get the poisoned justice chalice.

Budget – oh please give us a break

2011-01-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

WHEN it comes to the NI Executive budget there is a general theme emerging as we draw closer to the end of the consultation. We basically know that we’re all doomed, but one has to keep a watchful eye on the goings on at the Assembly.

On Tuesday (25 January) the Committee for Employment and Learning discussed the review of the Education Maintenance Allowance. Good deal, one thinks – as it is a topic that has exercised much discussion, not least amongst students.

But here’s the rub: they debated it in closed session according to the information published on the Assembly website.

One wonders what will be said behind firmly shut doors; and how this is a demonstration of open accountable democracy in action.